


over the castle on the hill

by ironstan



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Acquaintances to Friends to Lovers, Canon Compliant, Character Growth, Character Study, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Getting Together, Hogwarts Seventh Year, Hogwarts Sixth Year, Idiots in Love, James Potter grows up (not for a girl), Mutual Pining, Post Snape's Worst Memory, Slow Burn, War
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-27
Updated: 2019-12-17
Packaged: 2020-07-21 03:44:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 32
Words: 148,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19995292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ironstan/pseuds/ironstan
Summary: Times are tough. There is a war brewing. Hogwarts has always seemed like a safe pocket of the world; full of wonder and laughter. But as the students grow older, they realize that even their safe haven might have a few cracks.(aka: James and Lily fall in love, but first they make an everlasting friendship)





	1. let the man be born

**Author's Note:**

> I'm a big fan of the Marauders' Era because there's so much that we don't know. I love reading versions of the marauders where they're genuinely up to no good and there's laughter all around, but I wanted to delve into what it would be like to grow up in a time/war that is so polarizing. 
> 
> How did Lily really feel about ending her friendship with Snape? How did she fall in love with James Potter? How did James go from an arrogant bully to a good man? How did the cracks in the Marauders' friendship develop? Is it as black and white as we think?
> 
> Find me on Tumblr [here](https://pollymemes.tumblr.com)

Sirius has his arm around him. It is, quite possibly, the only thing keeping James from collapsing. His glasses have smudges on them, blurring his vision. He’s glad for it. He has no interest in raising his head to watch the scene unfolding in front of him.

“James,” Sirius murmurs quietly. It’s the first time James can recall his friend ever sounding so gentle with him. He hums as a response. Sirius sighs and thrusts something soft into his hand. 

He lowers his eyes to his hands, at the flowers brushing against his Quidditch callouses. Sirius squeezes his shoulder once, then twice and somewhere in James’ heart he finds it in himself to look over at his friend. 

“I know it’s hard, mate,” He says, gaze steadily ahead at the sight James refuses to witness. “But you’ll regret it forever if you don’t look now.” Sirius keeps his hand on his shoulder as James looks over to his right, towards his father. 

Fleamont Potter isn’t the kind of man anyone could call cold or callous. The Potter household isn’t one where the men puffed their chests and refused to cry. They cried like they did everything; unabashedly and proudly. Yet, when James looks at his father just then, it’s like gazing upon him for the very first time. His father’s hands are shaking, his eyes unblinking as they well up with tears. The sunlight is so bright that the greys in his hair look white, aging his father even more. It adds wrinkles around his eyes and on his brow. And for a moment, his father looks more his age than he ever had before. 

James clenches his fists and the flower in his hand sags under the pressure. A fizzing, scarlet anxiety starts to churn in his stomach. He turns his head down to where he is meant to be looking. 

Euphemia Potter’s body is wrapped in a lilac, satin cloth. Whenever the light hits right, the cloth sparkles and glitters like it’s embroidered with diamonds. Her face is covered, which lodges a piece of relief in James’ chest because he doesn’t think he has it in him to look at her expression. People are tossing flowers onto his mother, delicate, white petals fluttering in the wind. His father’s hand too, is extended, tossing flowers that he seems to be conjuring, his wedding ring glinting in the sunlight. 

A ministry wizard is standing by his mother’s feet, speaking words that spiraled into one ear and out the next. His father had asked James if he’d wanted to speak. He had refused, knowing in his heart that he’d cry, bawl hard enough that it would take the combined strength of Sirius, Remus and Peter to get him to stop sniffling. Instead of saying all the things he would’ve wanted to say about his mother, he’d curl up into a ball and ask her to come back. 

And that wouldn’t be what she’d have wanted. 

His father squares his shoulders. James feels it more than he sees it, his father’s robes brushing against his own, feels the creaky breath he takes as though it were his own. The ministry wizard stays rooted in his spot and James’ father moves to stand at his mother’s head. Automatically, Peter steps forward, filling his father’s place and bumps his shoulder against James’. He doesn’t bump back. 

“Thank you all,” his father says, the tears in his eyes still sparkling, “for coming.” He clasps his hands together, long, funeral robes swishing as he does. Black does not suit funerals, James thinks, it looks too much like Hogwarts’ robes. His gaze falls over the whole crowd slowly, like he’s individually thanking all the people that came to say goodbye to his wife.

“Euphemia,” His father continues, voice steadier than James’ ever could’ve been, “would’ve been _appalled_ to see her sendoff be so quiet. She’d have liked balloons and streamers, sparks flying from wands. My wife always did have a flair for the dramatic.” His gaze falls down to lilac cloth and he takes a breath, “When you’re my age, you always think, it’s only a matter of time until it’s your turn to go. I had always selfishly hoped that Euphemia would outlive me.” His father smiles sadly, “But, sometimes you don’t get what you want.”

“My wife was a brave woman. Always had that Gryffindor spirit. She fought for the things she believed in, often at risk of herself. She’d come home after long days and I’d know her back would be aching and her soul would be tired, but she’d light up like a lumination charm when our son walked into the room. Once, back when James was this tall,” His father held up a hand, flicking it over to a height around his father’s waist, “he had come running towards his mum and asked ‘how many bad guys did you catch today?’ And my wife, she smiled, ruffled his hair and told him something I’ll never forget.”

“She sat down and told him, there are no _bad_ guys. Don’t think about people as good and bad, the world would be a horrible place if things were so black and white, if we lived in a world without a grey area. And James had just shook his head and asked, ‘but aren’t _we_ good guys?’.” His father’s gaze rests squarely on James and though his eyes are hazel like his own, he swears that he sees a part of his mother shine. “And my wife… my dear Euphemia squeezed his hands and told him ‘We've all got both light and dark inside us. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That's who we really are.”

James swallows roughly. He remembers the day as clearly as his father. Remembers the pink of his mother’s lipstick, the iron in her voice and the soft way her hand had caressed his hair. Despite it all, he remembers shrugging, disappointed at not being told a fun story about what it was like to be an Auror. How foolish he had been.

“It would be easy, to stand up here and condemn the people responsible for my wife’s death. But I do not want to spend this day spewing hatred and fear into a world that is already filled with it.” His father looks away from James down at his wife and for the first time since the news had hit his hands are not shaking. His voice is soft, “I want to choose to act on the light within me and tell you all how very much I love my wife. Though she may be gone, I will never forget the things she taught me, the love she liked to spread. If there is anything you want to do to pay your respects to Euphemia, all I ask is you choose the light within you.”

James throws his flower onto the lilac shroud. 

He takes a heavy breath and takes a few steps forward until he is standing shoulder to shoulder with his father. He smiles at his son and James does his best to return it. His father raises his hand, wand high in the air and James wrangles his own out of his robe pocket. He looks out toward the crowd; at Sirius who is barely concealing his own grief but still standing upright, at Remus whose respect for James’ mother is written all over his sad smile, at Peter whose concern for his friends is clear in his blue eyes. They are all looking at him.

He raises his wand in the air, waves it in a big arc. Wisps of white smoke trail from the tips of his and his father’s wands. They encircle the lilac shroud, white flames taking over until James cannot see any lilac left at all. His eyes sting with tears, but he doesn’t wipe them away, lets them fall from his cheeks to his robes. He makes a noise from the back of his throat, a strangled whimper and stretches his hand out so he can hold onto his father’s elbow. His father stands strong and solid, all the burden of parenting resting on his shoulders and James stares down at the coffin that has replaced the white flames. He closes his eyes and wishes his mother were there to hold him too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know the quote "We've all got both light and dark inside us. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That's who we really are." is said by Sirius in the movies, but I felt that it fits the theme of the story I'm trying to write really well. And plus I think it would be sweet for Sirius to hear the words from the Potters.  
> Oh and upon reading Pottermore, I realized that James' parents were alive to see him married, but um whoops ! Hope you can suspend your belief!


	2. lionheart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even now, the memory of being called… _that_ by Severus burns, like the chain of bigotry has slipped from her ears to around her neck, threatening to choke the laughter from her life.

Lily wants to fight in the war. 

She hasn’t come up with the thought on a whim. She’s had the entire summer to think about it. Nothing to do _but_ think, turns out, when you’ve cut off all ties with your best friend. As depressing as it is to think about, Severus has been the tipping point for Lily’s stubbornness with joining the war effort. 

Here’s a secret Lily’s never told anyone: For a place filled with things like dragons and shape shifting, singing teacups and flying broomsticks, Hogwarts hadn’t been the magical place she’d been hoping it to be. It’s a secret she holds tightly to her chest, she’s never even told Severus no matter how many times she’d wanted to. 

The truth is, Lily’s wildest fantasies had come true when Severus had told her that she was a witch and that someday, the two of them would be studying at a school specifically for wizardry. A place meant for people like her. A periwinkle mirth had snapped inside her, thinking no one would ever call her a freak at Hogwarts, surely. 

Only, when she’d arrived, she’d learnt a different word, the weight of which she’d have to carry around forever. Mudblood. 

At first, she hadn’t even known what it meant. An older, white-haired Slytherin had scoffed it at her during her first week of classes. Though she hadn’t known the meaning, she could recognize the poison in his voice and kindly told him where he could shove it. The following afternoon, her and Severus had been sitting outside by one of the big trees by the lake, she’d asked him, “An older boy from your house called me a mudblood yesterday. What’s it mean?”

She’d asked him mid-bite of a chocolate frog, parsing through notes for Transfiguration. Severus had choked, looking a little like a baby bat, and said, “What? Who—and don’t go around saying it so casually!”

“Don’t tell me what not to say,” Lily had laughed, innocently amused by the color in his cheeks. “So, what’s it mean?”

“It’s just… a rude word.” He had mumbled eventually and changed the subject so quickly she’d gotten whiplash. 

Though she’d dropped the subject with Severus, she was too curious for her own good. She’d sat up on the common room sofa, idly reading an old copy of Anne of Green Gables, wondering if she should ask her dormmate, Mary Macdonald if she knew what “mudblood” meant. Only, she’d just met Mary and hadn’t gotten around to making load of friends in her house yet. She didn’t want to jinx the friendship before it had even started. So, she asked someone whose opinion she didn’t really care for. 

“Oi,” She said, stretching out a hand to tap at Sirius Black’s scrawny shoulder. He turned from where he was playing wizard’s chess with Remus Lupin to give her an irritated stare.

“What is it, Evans?” He’d replied, voice dripping with over-exaggerated annoyance. 

“I have to ask you a question.”

“Do you now?” He fluttered his lashes at her, tipping the chair he was seated in on its back two legs. 

“I didn’t know who else to ask.” Lily said and then closed her book so she could lean forward to whisper, “Your whole family’s been in Slytherin right?”

Instantly, Sirius’ shoulders squared and he narrowed his eyes at her, though he kept his chair in the air. From what Severus had told her, Sirius Black had been the first person in his family to be sorted into Gryffindor. And now, watching the hard set of his jaw and flexing of his wand arm, she wasn’t the least bit surprised. “What’s that got to do with anything?”

There was a rotten feeling crawling in her stomach. Perhaps she should have taken Severus’ advice and refrained from speaking about it so casually. But though she’d apparently been called a rude word, she’d never been called a coward. “I figured you’d know what “mudblood” meant.”

The chair he’d been sitting on slammed to the floor. He twisted around, straddling it, leaning his arms to rest on the back, scooting closer until he was almost uncomfortably close to the sofa. The look in his eyes could only be described as cautious. “Who’s been calling you a ‘mudblood’?”

“Some older bloke in Slytherin.” She explained and when he didn’t respond straight away, she pressed on, “So what’s it mean? And don’t tell me it’s just a rude word, I’m not stupid.”

He took a moment to purse his lips together as though he was thinking his words through. And in the short week she’d known Sirius Black, he wasn’t the kind of guy to think before he spoke; he launched words from his lips as though he didn’t have a care in the world for whomever they hit. “It means you’re Muggle-born.”

“Is that all? I thought it meant something horrible!” She said, rather taken aback. She ran a hand through her ponytail, letting out a relieved snort. But he didn’t laugh with her. “What is it?”

“People _mean_ to be horrible when they say it. Old wizarding families, made up of only wizards and witches think that Muggle-borns are well… beneath them.” He explained, an odd sort of expression passing over his features as though he’d smelled something rotten.

“Oh.” She frowned at him, “Well that’s a bit stupid, isn’t it? We’re all magical.”

He didn’t smile. “They don’t see it that way.” So much for being a Muggle-born not making a difference, she thought bitterly, heart thudding painfully beneath her Gryffindor uniform.

“Old wizarding families like yours?” She inquired, then glanced behind Sirius to where James Potter had taken to swapping Liquorice Wands with Remus. Severus had said James’ family was very famous too. “And Potter’s?”

“Mine, yeah. Not James’ for sure.” Sirius said letting out his first laugh, brittle like shattering glass. 

“So it’s not all wizarding families who think that?” Lily soldiered on though the truth of the word was making her feel like clothes were on too tight.

“No, it isn’t.” Sirius told her, then clenched his jaw together as though he was about to tell her some horrible news, “Can I give you a piece of advice, Evans?”

She squared her shoulders, after all she was a Gryffindor too. “Depends on what it is.”

Sirius’ voice was steady when he said, “I know loads of tossers who call people ‘mudbloods’ and to this day, I haven’t met a single one worth befriending.”

He didn’t even blink, didn’t even smile when he said it and Lily tucked the advice into a neat pocket of her brain and willed her heart to beat a tad slower. “Noted.”

And then, Lily had never forgotten the next time someone had called her a ‘mudblood’ (Richard Nott, a month into the school year). And she hadn’t forgotten the next and the next and the next until it had turned into a burning, metal chain that curled around her ears and seared into her heart like a shameful reminder. A long, winding chain whose most recent addition had been Severus. 

Pinpricks of hurt still appear, especially now that she’s returned home for the summer. It’s been rather lonely, wandering around pretending like she hasn’t had childhood memories all around town with a boy who hadn’t been brave enough to tell her the truth. Severus had never told her what people thought of Muggle-borns, of what Slytherins lauded as fact, what his friends hoped to accomplish, what, evidently, he believed. 

She’d had to put it together like an amateur sleuth, collecting clues and listening to whispers about what kids in the Slytherin house wanted to be when they grew up. Even now, the memory of being called… _that_ by Severus burns, like the chain of bigotry has slipped from her ears to around her neck, threatening to choke the laughter from her life. 

It’s probably a lofty and ambitious thing for a sixteen year old girl to think she’s going to fight in a war. Probably a little crazy, more than a little reckless. But Lily doesn’t want to be stuck under that tree, watching Severus spit poison at her for the rest of her life. She dangles her feet off her bed, OWL results clenched tightly in her hand. Eight Outstandings and two Exceeds Expectations in Transfiguration and Divination. She stares at the dark O written next to her Defense Against the Dark Arts section and smiles to herself. 

Long before Lily knew what the word “mudblood” meant, Lily had been a fighter. She’d meant what she’d told James Potter that day, (not the bit about him being an arrogant toe-rag, though that was true as well). She didn’t need him to make Severus apologize, she didn’t need his wand or his defensive words. She was a girl more than capable of taking care of herself and someday, she was going to help _end_ this war against Muggle-borns.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I find that Lily must've been an exceptionally strong person to be able to hear what Snape said to her. I've always thought that she'd be extremely keen to get out there and help the war effort to defeat death eaters and Voldemort and blood purists. There's no way she'd have been ok with being complacent and sitting around until she was ASKED to join the Order.


	3. bruised knuckles and too short robes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Put James, Snape and Lily into an equation and things never add up well, do they ?

“What’d you reckon, will our new professor be as incompetent as the last?” Marlene asks, leaning her head against the window, blonde hair tumbling over her shoulders. She’d still not changed into her Ravenclaw robes though Lily had reminded her about three times that they were almost at Hogwarts.

“Can’t see how it can be any worse than Gibbons last term.” Emmeline replies, pulling her arm back to aim a Bertie Bott’s bean. She throws it in a long arc, her Chaser skills on display, letting it sail through the middle of the compartment until it lands squarely in Lily’s mouth.

She winces at the hot sauce flavor that spreads across her tongue. Her fingers find the bean box and she pulls a green one out, screws her features together in concentration and with all her ability tosses it back at Emmeline. It hits the seat next to her and she pouts at her bad aim. “Professor Slughorn said he liked the new bloke. So there’s about a 50-50 chance of him being an absolute tosser.”

Marlene starts to laugh, turning her gaze until it lands on the compartment door, an amused smirk brushing her lips. “Lover boy is here, Lils.”

She rolls her eyes, knowing who’s at the door before even having to look. James Potter sticks his head into the compartment, glasses smudged and a grin on his features. He’s grown over the summer, abandoning his boyish features in favor of a stronger jaw that had the beginnings of a five o’clock shadow.

He steps inside, robes swishing as he moves to sit across from Lily. He’s taller and broader too, a smattering of freckles from the sun displayed on his nose. When he speaks, he still has his boyish charm. “How was your summer, Evans?”

“Wow.” Emmeline whistles lowly, “It’s like you don’t even care about us.”

He grins at her, camaraderie easy after years of being in the same house. Lily’s never had quite the same ease with James Potter as everybody else. “I was getting to you lot, it’s in order of preference.”

“Mhmm, Em, wait your turn.” Lily smiles lightly and replies to his question, “It was alright. A bit slow.” She watches the relaxed way he’s sitting, one arm stretched out behind Emmeline. He’s always been so carefree. “How was—”

Their compartment door slides open once more and this time the guest is less welcome. “Lily.” He says and a cold fist closes around her heart. Her lips dry and she glances sideways at Marlene for help.

Foolish though, of her to think that James Potter would be silent if Severus Snape was anywhere in the vicinity. He sneers and greets the boy before Marlene has a chance to intervene. “Isn't it a bit early to be stinking up my robes, Snivelly?”

She glances up at Severus for the first time and takes a deep breath. Other than quick run ins at the supermarket, she hasn’t seen Severus properly in months. He’s grown taller too, despite his skinny build, and his cheeks have a certain gauntness to them. “I don’t recall addressing you, Potter.” He spits back at James.

James doesn’t even bother standing up, just rolling his eyes, false charm dripping when he smiles. “Hm, shame really, considering I’m the main attraction.”

“You—” Severus starts, poison in his voice as familiar to Lily as anything.

“Severus.” She interrupts quickly, “Was there something you wanted to say to me?”

His black eyes land on her, much softer. “I wanted to speak to you alone.”

There’s something about the gentleness of his tone that turns Lily’s stomach. He still has the gall to be friendly. “Anything you want to say to me can be said in front of them.” She says, trying to sound uninterested.

Immediately, Severus scowls, folding his arms together, pulling his Slytherin robes tighter around him. “In front of _him_ , really?” Lily stands up, but doesn’t bother with another response. Just stares and waits for Severus to leave. It really is much too early in the term to get into a fight. “I think you should watch yourself.”

Lily is almost too caught up in the surprise that he’d wanted to continue speaking despite James’ presence that she almost misses what he’s said. “Watch myself?” She repeats, the words so patronizing that she almost wants to laugh.

Severus seems to sense the hostility in her tone because he speaks much faster the next second. “Times are changing swiftly and you ought to be more careful. You should at least try to be—”

“What? Less of a mudblood?” Lily interrupts, actually letting a dry laugh loose, ignoring the flinch on James’ face at her word choice. Emmeline has drawn her wand and Lily would bet ten Galleons that Marlene has done the same.

“I didn’t say that.” Severus says quietly.

“You were thinking it, weren’t you?” She presses, stepping away from him, repulsed by the genuine concern in his voice. If he was so worried about her, maybe he shouldn’t have been trailing after Malfoy and Lestrange for the last few years, she thinks bitterly.

“I know you’re thinking of joining up and fighting, don’t deny it, I _know_ you.” He continues, wringing his fingers together. It stings, he _does_ know her, but the understanding that should spark between them after years of friendship isn’t there. “I just think it would be unwise to put yourself out there, considering your… status.”

At the word ‘status’, Lily feels her childhood take a last, feeble breath. James seems to lose his cool and for once Lily isn't in a rush to stop whatever stupidity he's going to unleash. She’s half a second from telling Severus to sod off herself when James stands up to his full height, towering behind Lily and growls, “Tread lightly, Snivelly. Evans can only make me behave for five minutes at a time and you’re tempting me.”

“You stay out of this, Potter.” Severus spits, not bothering to look away from Lily.

“Or _what_?” James replies, a heat in his voice that signals his ever-present fight response.

“Had a pleasant summer?” Severus asks, an unsettling, uncharacteristic smile overtaking his pale face. "I know I did."

“What?” Lily asks confused, about to ask Severus to leave when James’ hand grips her by the waist and pulls her to the side. She stumbles, Marlene’s hand catching her before she collides with the seat. She grips Marlene's cold fingers, exchanges a look before pulling herself upright. She turns just in time to see James pull his right arm back, muscles taut even through his robes, and punch Severus right in the nose.

Severus might be good in a duel, but he’s hopeless in a brawl. He crumples immediately, back colliding with the compartment door, hand covering his nose, blood dripping all over the floor. Lily’s mouth drops, heart thudding, horrified at the scene unfurling in front her. The scariest part is for once, James, who Lily has accused of never being able to shut up countless times, has no words to say. He stalks closer to Severus, stretches his hand out again, letting it collide with Severus’ cheek.

Emmeline gasps at the sound it makes, Severus makes a groaning noise and Lily snaps out of the reverie she’s in. “Potter!” She shouts, though the compartment is dead silent. James ignores her, pulls his arm back for a third strike. “Potter, stop it! You’re a top ranked Chaser, you’re going to kill him.”

His hand stalls, but he doesn’t drop it. Lily takes it as an opportunity to pull the back of his robes until he stumbles backwards. She sidesteps him quickly, whirling around to look at James. He has a dazed sort of look in his hazel eyes when he meets her gaze.

She digs her fingers into his bicep, tugs his arm back down. “Pull it together, yeah?” He nods at her, blinking once, then twice, until that clouded look as passed. She uncurls her hand from his arm, breathes out a creaky sigh, pink relief washing over her. Slowly, hesitant to turn away from him, she faces Severus.

He pulls himself to his feet, clearly concealing the pain with his hand. The look in his eyes is hurt, but she doesn’t think that has anything to do with the wound. “Are you alright, Snape?” She says quietly, stretching out her hand. His eyes flash and for a moment she thinks he’ll call her a ‘mudblood’ again, refuse her help on principle.

But he just gathers himself together, looking as dignified as he can with blood dripping down his chin, a purple almost blush spreading across his right cheek, and stands. He turns, pulling the compartment door angrily until it batters noisily and flees, robes billowing like bat’s.

Lily stares at the compartment door, watching the crestfallen look on her reflection in the window. She wishes there wasn't disappointment in her chest right now. She swallows, turning to face the rest of them. Emmeline looks at Lily with a concern that makes her feel more fragile than she is. Marlene looks as though she wishes she’d gotten to punch Severus herself.

James is staring at his knuckles, his pearly whites tucked away. She smiles tightly for him, grateful that she can avoid her friends' questioning for a little longer, “I won’t dock points from Gryffindor since we haven’t arrived yet. Sound fair, Potter?”

He scowls, actually scowls at her and mutters, “Whatever,”

She clenches her jaw, a spark of irritation flying in her chest. “Can you not keep it together for ten minutes?” She strides back towards him, putting her hands on her hips. “Do you have to rile him up all the time?”

She thinks she hears Marlene mutter an “Oh dear.”

James furrows his eyebrows at her, but his shoulders have unclenched. “Have you gone deaf? I wasn’t the only one having a go.” His eyes light up with that spark he gets when Lily argues with him. He's almost whining now. “I don’t see you scolding him!”

She folds her arms across her chest, anger uncoiling, but she keeps the irritated pinch of her eyebrows, “Well, seeing as we’re not friends anymore, I doubt that would do much good.”

James seems to sense the fight draining from her because he graces her with his usual, troublemaker smile, ruffles his hair and says, “That implies that we’re friends, hm Evans?”

The whole _thing_ is so James Potter that she can’t help but roll her eyes. “Don’t get smart with me.”

“I doubt that would be possible.” Marlene drawls, lifting her long legs to rest in Emmeline’s lap.

“Oh, come on, McKinnon!” James pouts.

“Did you, perchance, forget that you’re a wizard?” She asks him, arching a blonde eyebrow. Lily’s been on the receiving end of this stare and it never fails to make her feel like a right idiot so she can sympathize with James. Just barely.

“No!” He responds defensively, “I just thought that hitting him might make me feel better, and guess what? It did!”

Emmeline lets out a peal of high pitched laughter. “You’re such an idiot, anyone ever tell you that?” She rolls her eyes, fingers tapping out a rhythm against Marlene’s skin.

“Of course, you’ve met Evans, haven’t you?” James says, winking at her.

“Can't let your head get any bigger, can we?” Lily deadpans with a barely concealed smile. “Let’s have a look at your hand, Potter.” He stretches out his hand towards her and she takes it gingerly between her fingers. His skin is warm to the touch against the coolness of her own. She inspects the bruised knuckles, blood vessels surely bursting underneath the skin. “Does it hurt?”

“Not as much as Snivelly’s nose, I’m sure.” He jokes and she throws a half hearted glare in his direction. She smooths her thumb over his knuckles lightly, black fingernails short, and hears him suck in his breath sharply. “It just stings a bit.”

Lily nods, dropping one hand to her robe pocket to fish out her wand. She waves it in a small circle, pointing the tip at James’ skin. “ _Tergeo_.” The blood clears, leaving purpling skin in its wake. “At least the blood’s gone. Just ice it, will you?” She suggests though Healing charms is not her expertise.

He looks at her softly just then, half amused, half something else. Her heartbeat quickens. She holds his hand for a beat too long. The train lurches to a stop and she drops his hand quickly.

“Thank you, Madame Evans!” James finally responds, lifting his left hand to salute at her. “I should get going. And a tip for you ladies: don’t go round the back of the train unless you want an unfortunate case of boils!” He announces, winking at them before pulling the compartment door and sliding out swiftly.

Lily sits back down across from her friends, heaving out a sigh. “God, every time I think he’s going to grow up a bit, he goes and pulls one of his stupid pranks.” Marlene shoots Emmeline a knowing look, but Lily doesn’t comment on it, she doesn’t want to open that can of worms just yet.

Emmeline snorts, “Can’t really call them stupid, it’s quite advanced magic usually.”

Lily slides her wand back into her robe pocket and checks her wristwatch. She’s got a few minutes before having to guide the first years to the boats. She tilts her head to the side, trying to remember what exactly had set James off so badly in the first place. “D’you know why Potter got so angry? Right at the end?”

“Oh. Of course you hadn’t heard.” Emmeline says quietly, tilting her head down.

Marlene’s blue eyes soften a fraction. “His mum was killed a few months ago; she was an Auror. Apparently a few Death Eaters got her because she’d been rather vocal about her support of Muggle-borns.”

“Oh Merlin.” She breathes out. James had always spoken about his parents so fondly, it was so obvious to see that they had spoiled him quite terribly. Her heart sinks; his robes had been a tad too short. His mother would’ve noticed it, bought him new ones. “That’s… oh, that’s horrible.” Lily murmurs.  
/  
Once she enters the Great Hall, Lily’s eyes scan the Gryffindor table for James and his friends. "Where's Potter?" She asks her fellow prefect. Remus gives her a surprised look and she waves him off before he can crack a joke. "I just heard about his mum."

Remus' expression clears and he nods his head towards the middle of the room. “There,” He says, pointing towards the middle. She hears Sirius’ raucous laughter and is then easily able to locate him. She breaks into a soft jog to find a seat next to the boys on the bench. Luckily, Emmeline has already sat down next to Peter, so it saves her from having to locate her own friend. Remus sits next to her, striking up an easy conversation about her summer.

“Hello, Black, Peter,” She greets easily, sliding into the seat next to James. He widens his eyes at her presence, clearly not expecting her to go out of her way to spend additional time with him.

“Miss me already, Evans?” He grins at her. She just barely resists rolling her eyes at him, instead squeezing his shoulder. He opens his mouth, surely to say some idiotic thing or the other but she interrupts him.

“I wanted to say… I’m—I’m sorry about your mum.” She’s expecting his easy smile to drop, but other than a mild tightness around his eyes, no part of his demeanor changes. “I hadn’t heard about what happened until just now. I know you were really close with you parents.” He doesn’t say anything and Lily feels her hands clam up. She’s so used to James filling any and all silences that she flounders without his immediate response. “I mean—I can’t even imagine, I’m—if there’s anything I can do—”

“Careful there, Evans,” He interrupts, flashing teeth at her once more, “You sound like you’re hyperventilating.”

“Oh, bugger off,” She laughs, tension from her shoulders lifting with the appearance of his smile. “I really am sorry, Potter.”

“Thanks. And besides, Mum would’ve liked to go fighting.” James tells her, pride in his voice evident.

“She must’ve been a brave woman.” Lily says sincerely, though she’d never met his mum. She must have been really something to raise a son like James Potter.

“She was.”

She sighs, noticing the sad smile gracing his lips. “I know you like to put up a good front, but honestly, no one would blame you if you wanted to lash out.”

“Yeah?” James says dryly. He picks his hand up from his lap and lets it fall onto the table, bruised knuckles on display. “I don’t reckon my fists can take much more lashing out.”

“That was way out of line. It was cruel.” Lily breathes, feeling a misplaced sense of guilt. “He shouldn’t have said that.”

James offers her a shrug, “Well, can’t expect Snivelly to offer me a shoulder to cry on, can I?”

Lily looks at him, a tad bit mischievously and responds, “Mhmm, Sirius would be jealous if he did.”

James snorts, “Can’t have the drama queen feeling like he’s been replaced.”

“If you ever…” Lily starts, not knowing where the rest of her sentence is going.

“Actually need a shoulder to cry on, I should come to you?” James finishes innocently.

She bumps their shoulders together, turning to face the head’s table, Sorting Hat already in McGonagall’s hand. “Yeah,” she says quietly, “Maybe you could.”


	4. what's life without laughter?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James seems to grow up and not grow up, simultaneously somehow.

“Was I going blind or did you actually talk to Evans without messing with your hair even once?” Sirius laughs once they’ve entered their dormitory after the welcome feast. 

James’ hand, which was about to indeed push the hair out of his eyes, freezes in mid-air. “Shove off,” He says, flicking his head to the side trying to move his bangs without his hands. The look Peter gives him is less than impressed. “I don’t do it that much.” 

Remus snorts, already shucking off his robes to get into bed, tiredly. The full moon is in three days, James remembers. “Yeah, _alright_ , Prongs.”

James pushes his shoes off, collapsing face first into his four-poster and groans loudly. Peter, from his left side, throws a pillow at him. “Stop daydreaming about Lily and tell us what happened.”

He flips onto his back, staring at the ceiling above him. “Since all of your behavior is so bad, I suppose I’ll have to be my own favorite.” He unties his tie, letting it fall around his shoulders. 

“Oi!” Sirius shouts, sound mostly muffled by the speed at which he is shedding his clothes. “But really, I didn’t think Evans would ever speak to you after what happened last year.”

James pulls his sweater off, fingers unbuttoning his shirt. “Me neither.” He says quietly, laying there for a moment, the warm air of the dormitory spreading over his skin. He swallows, tries to mask the croaky nature his voice always gets when he talks about his parents, “It was… it was about mum. Suppose that outweighs Snivellus and the m-word.”

James pretends not to notice the concerned looks his friends exchange. Peter, the least subtle of them all, tries to brightly steer the subject back to less depressing waters. It’s painfully obvious, but he appreciates it nonetheless. “So, does that mean you didn’t get around to apologizing to her?”

He groans aloud, shucking off his robes and rolling them into a ball to throw at Peter. He squeaks, the fabric hitting them in his face. James had _such_ a well rehearsed speech planned. “I was going to, but Snape walked in asking to be punched in the face.”

Sirius laughs from his left side, clad in nothing but his boxers and his blanket wrapped around his shoulders. James snorts at the sight, throwing his shirt at Sirius. “I can’t believe you fought Snivelly and I wasn’t even there to see it.” He throws his tie at Remus next, who catches it with a barely there smile. “Did he cry?”

James sighs wistfully, unbuckling his belt and pulling down his trousers. “I don’t think he has enough of a heart to produce tears, sadly.”

Remus holds his hands up to catch the next article of clothing James is about to launch at him and catches it easily enough. One of these days, they’re going to stop being amused with his stripper routine and toss his clothes out the window, James thinks. “Alright, alright, before you go off on your usual tangent. When _are_ you going to apologize?”

Peter, who has crawled into bed without bothering to change out of his robes, shrugs his shoulders, “I still don’t see what he has to apologize for. It’s not like he made Snape call Lily the m-word.”

While that’s true, James can’t help but feel like if he hadn’t been there, Snape and Evans would probably still be friends. Them being best mates forever wasn’t exactly on James’ list of top three wishes, but that didn’t mean he wanted to be part of the reason they _stopped_ being friends either. “I was kind of a prat though.”

Sirius barks out a laugh, whipping out his wand to start levitating the shed articles of James’ clothing in fast circles around the dorm. “Sure, you always are.” 

“Oi!” He protests indignantly. 

Remus hums in agreement with Sirius, crawling into his own four-poster. He tuts at James in a very accurate impression of Professor McGonagall. “And asking her out in front of everyone, not your best move, Prongs.”

James reaches into his trunk to pull out his pajamas, slipping into them quickly. He jumps up once to knock his hand into his clothes still whirling around their heads. “Why has this turned into Criticize James Hour?”

Sirius grins, dropping the clothes unceremoniously on James’ head. “You make it so easy.” James scowls at him, pushing the clothes back into his trunk.

“Are you gonna ask her out again?” Remus asks once James has crawled into the safety of his bed. 

He laughs loudly at that, “Have you gone mad?” He shakes his head so hard his glasses slip down his nose, “I was lucky to get out with my testicles still attached last time. I’m not about to jump into the line of fire again.”

James can practically _hear_ the smirk in Sirius’ voice when he says, “Is it just me or is someone sounding a bit cowardly? Isn’t this the noble house of Godric Gryffindor?”

Remus snorts, easily joining into the banter. “She _did_ say she’d rather go out with the Giant Squid, Pads, and let’s face it James is no competition.”

James lifts his wand off his bedside table, charming two chocolate frogs to fly at both his friends. Sirius’ hits him square in the forehead, but Remus whips out his own wand quickly enough that it doesn’t collide with him. He opens the package eagerly, saluting at James for the midnight snack. “Thank you, truly. What did I ever do to get such wonderful friends?” James asks, voice dripping with sarcasm. 

Sirius hums thoughtfully, “If you aren’t going to ask Evans out then at least we can go back to planning pranks in Defense again. I’ve had enough of you staring at the back of her head.”

“And doodling her initials.” Peter inputs helpfully. James groans again, he needs no reminder of how pitiful he had been all of last year. An entire year of tripping and colliding into walls because he was too busy looking at Lily (even more embarrassing considering his usual reflexes), making an arse out of himself every time she was in the vicinity and culminating in asking her out at the worst possible time. 

“You lot are the _worst_.” He sighs, resigning himself to his fate. “I won’t ask her out again, but I am going to apologize.”

After a pregnant pause, Peter chimes in with: “If it goes well, you could try again.”

James laughs at the hope in his voice, “And now you’re my favorite, Pete.” He pulls his glasses off, putting them and his wand back on his bedside. “But nah, I don’t think that’ll ever happen.” He says quietly, trying not to let the disappointment creep into his voice.  
/  
James walks into detention the next day pretty early on. Luckily, he’s with McGonagall, who is already giving him an unimpressed stare when he walks into her classroom. Unluckily, the professors at Hogwarts have decided to separate the four Gryffindor boys in detention as of last year, which makes the whole thing much less fun. “How are we already here, Mr Potter?” McGonagall says, looking at him over her glasses, “It hasn’t even been two days.”

He grins at her, maneuvering so that he can pull himself onto a desk. “Come on, you missed me, didn’t you?” The boiling charm in the last compartment of the train (notoriously occupied by Slytherins) had been one of their better ideas, considering he got to see what Narcissa Black would look like if she was as ugly on the outside as she was on the inside.

She doesn’t dignify that with an answer, only points at a pile of crates at the corner of the room. “Start sorting.” She says, not even bothering with further instructions because of the sheer number of times he’s already served the same detention.

He sighs dramatically, crossing the room to peer into the boxes she’s taken out for him. They’re filled with matches, teapots, goblets and a load of other things she uses as practice in her classes. In one box he starts to put the more dented items as it gets harder to transfigure them into the appropriate counterparts. He grins to himself remembering one particular class in his second year when he was supposed to be transfiguring a beetle into a button, but enlarged it into the size of a cat. McGonagall had not been amused.

“How was it, having Mr Black come stay with you this summer?” She asks after around thirty minutes of having to amuse himself with the trinkets in the boxes.

“Sirius is great to have around. Never really a dull moment.” He answers easily, tossing a teacup into the good pile, remembering the time Remus had wanted to keep the one he had transfigured into a tiny Welsh Green dragon.

“Is he… doing alright?” McGonagall asks and it’s only because James has spent so much more time with her than just about any student (other than perhaps Sirius himself) that he can pick up on the concern in her voice. 

“Hm? Yeah, his parents were bloody awful, he’s glad to be rid of them.” James answers. It hadn’t been the slightest surprise when Sirius had turned up, not even a full week into the summer with a battered smile and a bruised cheek. His mother had ushered him into a bedroom, bustling over him in worry, while James was still fast asleep. 

Though Sirius put up a good front, it was clear something rather horrible had happened in order for him to have left Regulus in Grimmauld Place. The extent of the abuse he suffered at home, and James’ mother’s death, were just about the only things that he and Sirius never discussed. It didn’t change their friendship, they were still as thick as thieves, but it did make James’ heart ache for Sirius because he had never known the unconditional love of a parent.

“It’s kind of you to take him in.”

“He’s my best mate. What kind of a rubbish friend would I be if I left him in that shithole?” James answers, anger flaring at Sirius’ sorry excuse of parents. He tosses the next teacup less than gently, hearing it clink loudly against the previous one.

“Language, Potter.” McGonagall says sharply, “How long will Mr Black be staying with you?”

“Forever hopefully.” James answers, starting to pile dinner plates in a separate box. 

There’s a small pause in which he suspects that McGonagall is imagining James and Sirius still wreaking havoc well into their 80s. “It _would_ be rather odd to see you two apart.”

James laughs brightly, turning around to face her, “We’re gonna become Aurors together. And we’ll credit all our genius to our favorite Professor!” He says, tipping an imaginary hat at her.

“I’ll let Horace know.” McGonagall answers, lips un-thinning ever so slightly, “Still planning on being an Auror?”

“Of course. I’m itching to get out of here.” He says, drumming his fingers on the edge of the crate. 

At his words, McGonagall frowns, stopping whatever work she was doing to look directly at him. “I don’t believe excitement is the right attitude to have about that kind of work.”

He furrows his brows together, inspecting a dinner plate for any noticeable chips or scratches. “You’re saying I shouldn’t be excited about my career?” 

She huffs loudly enough for him to hear it across the classroom. “It may benefit you to take that work a bit more seriously.”

“Where’s the fun in that?” He asks absentmindedly. 

“You’re nearly of age, Mr Potter.” She reminds him, none too gently.

As if he didn’t know that. He’s been looking forward to his seventeenth birthday since he was born. He could hardly contain himself, it would be such a joy to practice magic freely, doing whatever he pleased. “Is there an expiry on fun I didn’t know about?”

“All I am suggesting is that perhaps it’s time to set a good example for the younger students and not jinx fellow students for the fun of it.” McGonagall reprimands, the iron back in her voice.

“Yeah, maybe.” James shrugs, not too bothered by the advice she’s giving him. It’s nothing he hasn’t heard; stop having so much fun, be more serious, grow up. As if he was interested in a life devoid of laughter of any kind.


	5. sharing beds like little kids and laughing till our ribs get tough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Lily's urge to join the war is not met with the greatest of reception.

If being a Prefect means she has to sit through meetings with Amos Diggory going on about what a spectacular Quidditch team he has this term, then Lily deserves more than just a soak in the tub of the Prefects’ bathroom. Although it is a spectacular tub.

“If Potter doesn’t beat Amos for the Quidditch Cup this term, I swear I’m going to give him detention for a week.” Lily bursts out to Remus who doesn’t bother holding a laugh back. 

As they twist around the corridor, Remus puts a scarred finger to his lips. She opens her mouth to continue in her complaints but he shakes his head, subtly tilting his head at the people passing them in the hall. Yellow ties. “Don’t talk about Diggory like that when we’re in Hufflepuff territory.” Remus says when the other students have passed, “You’ll get me in trouble with you.”

“Oh boo-hoo,” She replies, “But honestly Remus, imagine how insufferable he'll be if Hufflepuff wins.”

“ _Lily, did you see the seventeen and a quarter saves I made against James Potter? On his Comet Two-Twenty! Guess he isn’t all that good, after all?_ ” Remus imitates, dropping his voice into the over-exaggerated smugness that Amos gets when he’s too excited. 

Lily bursts into giggles, “ _I’ll be recruited by Puddlemere soon, I tell you!_ ” She continues, remembering the sheer number of times he had bragged about meeting the Captain in September. “Gryffindor _cannot_ lose.”

“I’ll pass the message along to James.” Remus says, “Although, I don’t think he needs more motivation. The number of times he’s gone on about the lengths he’ll go to beat Diggory…”

“It’s Quidditch!” Lily protests, for once agreeing with James’ priorities, “This is a matter of our pride. I’d go out there myself, if I could!”

“And get us the worst defeat we’ve had in a hundred years,” Remus says dryly. She swats out her arm to hit his shoulder, “I’m _just_ saying, for someone who likes Quidditch so much, you’re awfully bad at it.”

“Oh piss off, Remus,” She scowls, folding her arms together pettily, “Not like you’re Player of the Year.” They approach the Fat Lady portrait just as Remus has opened his mouth to reply, but before he gets a chance she says, “Rex leonum.”

“You’re just jealous I can get fifty feet in the air without crashing into a wall.” Remus answers cheekily, stepping into the portrait hole. 

She grabs a hold of his shoulder to pull herself in, rolling her eyes. “That was one time!” He laughs good-naturedly as they enter the common room, giving her a small smile before joining Sirius on one of the armchairs by the fire where it looks like he’s trying to charm Gabriel Wood’s hair golden. 

Lily tuts at him pointedly, shaking her head. “Sirius,” she starts. 

“I’ll be on my best behavior, Evans,” He grins, “Can’t be breaking rules with Mr Prefect here, can I?” He says nudging Remus who just sighs like he’s questioning the decisions he’s made in life that brought him to this moment. 

She rolls her eyes. As if _that_ ever stopped him. She turns towards one of the big, leather sofas by the back corner, spotting Marlene (who rarely spent time in her own common room) draped over the side like a large cat. As she approaches, she sees Emmeline staring out the window, “What have you—” She cuts off abruptly because Emmeline has just turned around and her expression is stricken. “Oh what’s wrong, love?”

Lily lifts Marlene’s head off the cushion, sinks into the sofa, letting Marlene’s curls drop all over her thighs. She squeezes Emmeline’s shoulder as the brunette turns to face Lily, her lower lip quivering. “My brother sent me a letter.” 

“And?” Lily prompts, hoping with all her might that Alphonse, her older brother, and Mr and Mrs Vance were all right. 

Emmeline’s lip starts to wobble uncontrollably. Marlene sighs, swinging her legs off the arm of the sofa and sits up to face Lily, crossing her legs. “Apparently he’s joined some sort of movement with Frank Longbottom, Alice’s boyfriend.”

“What sort of movement?” 

Marlene takes a cursory look over at Emmeline. “To oppose the Death Eaters.” Her voice is so neutral, as it always is, that it’s hard to tell what she actually thinks of it. 

“That’s bloody brilliant!” Lily exclaims, knowing exactly what she thinks of it. 

“Brilliant? It’s _dangerous_.” Emmeline interrupts, a low grumble in her voice like she’s trying hard not to cry. “What do they think they’re doing? Getting caught up in this mess?”

“This _mess_?” Lily says incredulously, “It’s a war, Em. For a bloody good cause.”

Emmeline frowns at her, brown eyes welling up with tears. Her hands shake, from frustration or fear, Lily isn’t sure. “I’m not saying it’s not a good cause. You know I hate what the Death Eaters are doing. That doesn’t mean they should be going to march off to the battlefield!”

Lily frowns, “Why not? I’m going to.”

“What!” she shrieks, drawing several looks to their corner of the common room. “Have you got a death wish or something?”

“Of course, I don’t _want_ to die, but if I have to… well, it’s a cause worth dying for!” Lily fires back, unable to help herself from getting irritated. 

“Stop it, Lily!” Emmeline moans, as though they’ve had this argument millions of times, “You don’t have to get involved in it! You don’t have to keep jumping to everyone’s rescue!”

“You’re talking like this war doesn’t affect me!” She says angrily, feeling her temper flare, her cheeks burn. “You can do whatever you please, Emmeline, you’re a pure blood! I’m never going to stop being Muggle-born. This war is _about_ people like me and you think I should just what? Take a backseat?”

Emmeline reaches over to grab Lily’s hands, squeezing them in her lap. “I’m not saying you should get complacent and content with the way things are going, but it’s dangerous, Lily!” She looks over helplessly at Marlene as though she’s hoping for some assistance. When she doesn’t get it, she huffs loudly, “People are dying out there, _Muggle-borns_ like you.”

“I don’t care if I die!” Lily explodes, pulling her hands away from Emmeline. More than a few people are looking over at them, but she can’t find it in herself to maintain a semblance of politeness. Not about this. “This is about _who I am_. I can’t believe you expect me to sit here and just take it!”

“I just want you to be alive, Lily!” Emmeline cries, tears finally leaking out and falling onto her plump cheeks. 

Despite herself, she wants to reach out and brush away her friend’s tears, but it’s pride that keeps her from doing so. “Alive? While I’m stripped of my rights and liberties? What kind of a life is that?”

Emmeline frowns, a fierceness rising in her eyes, “At least you’d be alive.” Her voice is full of iron when she speaks. 

“You sound just like Severus did on the train—”

Emmeline interrupts, “How can you say that? I love you, Lily and I don’t want to see you hurt!” She reminds Lily remarkably of her own mother who worries about her daughters as though it’s her job. “My older brother is out there fighting for this and it kills me not knowing if he’s going to come back someday! You think I want to wish that kind of a life on you?”

“You don’t understand.” She says finally, standing up. Emmeline opens her mouth to reply, but Lily is already walking away, shaking with indignation.  
/  
Lily’s heart is still beating rapidly fast, even as she curls up in the blankets of her four poster bed. She’s glad Mary is still in the common room; she doesn’t much feel like explaining her rotten mood. Marlene, Emmeline and Lily rarely fight and when they do it’s about silly things like boys and being late. She isn’t used to fighting with her friends about things that matter.

She pulls the covers over her head. She doesn’t want this to turn into another situation like Severus’. Not that Emmeline even has a single nasty bone in her body, but she can’t help but feel like one day, the fact that Lily is a Muggle-born will drive away all the friends she has. 

“Hey there, Red.” A cheerful voice greets. 

Lily groans into her covers, “Piss off, Marlene.”

Instead of hearing retreating footsteps like she’s hoping, she hears Marlene’s tinkling laugh. “Someone’s in an argumentative mood.” Her voice sounds closer than before, “Shall I call Potter so you can take it out on him and be civil with the rest of us?”

Lily peeks her head out of her blankets, “Ha-ha.” Marlene pushes her so abruptly that she almost tumbles off her bed. For someone so skinny, she sure packs a lot of strength in her. Marlene slides into the bed next to Lily, pulling the covers over them and one arm around Lily. Despite herself, she curls into her friend, “I’m not going to apologize, so if that’s your—”

“Oh please, look who you’re talking to.” Marlene snorts, “When have I ever told you to say sorry to anyone?”

Lily grins cheekily, trying to change the subject, “That one time when I borrowed your black dress and spilled butterbeer all over it, you seemed like you wanted me to—”

“Oh piss off, that was completely different.” She snaps and for a moment Lily breathes because thank God, Marlene is not making her talk about it. “Emmeline’s not wrong, you know—”

Lily’s heart plummets into her stomach. “You’re actually agreeing with her? _You_?” Marlene, who had gotten fourteen detentions in the last two months because she couldn’t help but argue with Professor Mostafa on his views about how to deal with dark creatures. Lily’s always known she’d lose friends in this war. These were dark times, not knowing who you could trust, constantly watching your back. But she’s had Emmeline and Marlene since she was eleven years old, hanging on like sturdy friendship bracelets. A life without one of them was fathomless, much less both. 

Marlene doesn’t even blink, “—she just thinks differently than you.”

Lily scowls, pulling the blanket to cover her mouth to mumble, “She can’t really expect me to sit around and do nothing, can she?”

Marlene hums idly, “No, she can’t. But it’s not as though she thinks you should just take all the discrimination you get and be happy with it.” She squeezes Lily’s shoulders, voice gentle, “Can you really blame her for wanting you to be safe?”

“I understand that, but… it’s not in me.” She huffs, trying to sound reasonable, rather than a certain, overexcited pair of Marauders she knows, “I don’t care about safety. She can’t expect me to just keep going to rallies and protests, I have to _do_ something more.” She clenches her fingers into a fist, nails digging into her palms, “I don’t like the idea of just sitting in Charms class while there’s people like me dropping like flies all over the place.”

Marlene’s voice is sharp when she continues, “I’m gonna stop you there, Lils. That’s a dangerous mentality.” She pulls the blanket away from Lily, twisting just slightly so she has a closeup of Marlene’s blazing, blue eyes, “You’re sixteen, it’s your job to be in Charms class.” 

“But—”

Marlene cuts her off, “You can’t go fighting death eaters right now. You’ll get your chance once you’ve got the proper training.”

Lily’s frown slips. This is what she loves most about Marlene. No matter how much she might worry about Lily, she’ll never treat her like glass, she won’t worry about shattering her. 

“Marlene…” She whispers after a few moments of quiet, “I’m scared. And sitting still feels an awful lot like being complacent.” 

Marlene smiles, and it’s only years of knowing her that allows Lily to notice the fear in her eyes, “I know. But we need all the training we can get before we get out there.”

“We?”

Marlene pinches her arm roughly and she squeaks in response. “Don’t be ridiculous, you daft witch, of course I’m fighting with you.”

Lily’s lower lip quivers and she lets out a, “Awww!” before her tears start to pour out. “I knew you had a soft side, Marly.” 

She laughs, pulling Lily closer so she can hug her with both arms. Lily returns the embrace, tucking her head into Marlene’s neck, finding solace in her perfume that reminds Lily of spring. “Yeah, yeah, don’t go ‘round telling anyone, though.” Marlene pauses and after pressing a soft kiss to Lily’s hairline she says, “And, Lily?”

“Hm?”

“Don’t take it out on Em. I’ll give you ten galleons if she doesn’t pick up her wand and join us out there.” Marlene says, voice thick with defense, “You know how worried she gets about Al, of course she’d get her wand in a knot for you too.”

Lily nods understandingly, feeling the slightest bit ashamed about her dramatic exit from the common room.

“It’s because I love you!” Emmeline exclaims loudly, poking her head in from the stone entrance of the dormitory.

A smile crawls its way to Lily’s face, “How long have you been eavesdropping, nosy?”

“Almost the entire time.” Emmeline replies sheepishly. She shuffles into the room, standing at the edge of her four poster, “Lily—”

Marlene shoves her pointedly. “It’s alright, Em. You don’t have to apologize.” She says immediately, not needing Marlene’s urging. She swallows roughly and says even if it might lead to another spat, “But neither do I.”

Emmeline just smiles sunnily, sitting down at the edge of her bed. “Alright, bossy.” She wrings her fingers together, but at least there are no more tears threatening to spill. “Oh, you know how I worry. I didn’t mean for it to sound as though I’m okay with what those wankers are doing.” She reaches out a hand, blindly looking for Lily’s leg under the covers. When she finds it, she squeezes tightly. “I know how hard it is for you, I just don’t want you to die, is that so bad?”

Lily sighs, “No, Em, it’s not. I suppose one of us has to be responsible.” She looks a little longer at Emmeline’s red eyes, remembering the panic in her voice. “Al is going to be alright too, y’know. He’s a bloody good dueler.”

Emmeline nods fiercely, “You’ve got to be just as good as him before you go out brawling with death eaters, yeah?”

“Yeah, alright, alright. Now, come give me a hug.” Emmeline starts to move but Lily grabs a hold of her hand and tugs so hard that she sprawls across Lily and Marlene’s laps. “No hard feelings, hmm?”

Emmeline pulls her head up from Marlene’s stomach, “As long as you promise not to go dying first thing after we graduate.”

Lily grins at her, offering up her pale fingers towards Emmeline. “Pinky swear.” Emmeline wrestles her hand out from under the tangle of limbs and blankets and hooks their pinkies together. And because Lily can’t help being a little cheeky, she adds, “I’ll wait a few years.”

Emmeline pokes her ribs sending Lily into a fit of giggles as Marlene watches, taking the onslaught of flying hands rather well. “Really? That’s all?” She says incredulously, raising a blonde eyebrow, “Last time _we_ fought, you said we had to do a stupid ritual to bond us closer together.”

Lily laughs at the memory and the proceeding five months in which Marlene bitched about it despite having the time of her life. “That was totally an excuse to go skinny dipping in the Black Lake.”

Emmeline frowns, poor girl had been terrified of swimming, “I still don’t understand why I had to come.” She pokes Marlene in the belly, “It’s not as though _I_ went to Hogsmede with Benjy Fenwick when you fancied him.”

Lily says pointedly, fluttering her eyelashes overdramatically and falling over Marlene, “Of course, you’re too nice to do that.”

She taps Lily’s nose with her index finger, “If you ask me, I saved you from a truly dreadful snog.”

“Oh how noble.” Lily giggles back at her.

Marlene shakes her head, pretending to wipe a tear from her cheek, “I froze my favorite knickers in that stupid lake.” She pretends to look forlornly in the distance sending all three of them into a fit of laughter, heavy enough to shake Lily’s four poster.

Emmeline opens her mouth and Lily knows what she’s going to say before the words even start to form, “At least a mermaid didn’t grab your ankle.”

Lily and Marlene chorus, the timing absolutely perfect from the sheer number of times they’ve had this same conversation, “There aren’t merpeople in the shallow part!” They can barely get through the words before they start laughing all over again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a damn shame we don't meet any of Lily's friends in the books because with a personality described as "vivacious" I think she would've had some really wonderful friends. I wanted to really flesh out her friendships and give them real depth because she's not the kind of person to have friends half-heartedly. Girl would've had her own friends, not just latched onto the Marauders. 
> 
> I also think at some point, Lily definitely would've felt as though she's going to lose her friends (because she's a Muggle-born) when her and Snape had a falling out. I wanted to play a little bit on those fears.


	6. you're as bad as he is

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the marauders get up to their usual tomfoolery and james might just realize a few things

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this is my longest chapter yet!

James has sworn off firewhiskey about fourteen times in his life now. Yet, every single time Sirius waves the bottle around his face, he gulps the foul, most definitely evil, should be illegal drink, with no regret. This particular night is glorious though; they’ve convinced Remus to let go of his Prefect duties and dragged him outside to the courtyard. 

Peter watches the map with a keen eye, being sure to look out for any professors, Filch or head students. Sirius is already out in the grassy meadow, the chill of the October night not making a shred of difference to him, while Remus is shivering away under James’ arm. 

“Moony,” James whispers into Remus’ ear. “Moony, Moony, Mooooooony, Mooooooooooo—” 

“Keep saying ‘moo’ and you’ll turn into a cow instead of a stag next time.” Remus responds easily, still folding his arms together and looking too responsible for James’ taste.

“You are delightful, anyone ever tell you that?” James fawns, leaning his full weight onto Remus so that he has to fling an arm back to catch himself on the outer wall. 

“You do about every time you have more than a single cup of firewhiskey.” Remus replies, not thrown at all with his flattery. The audacity. “And the answer is still a firm no.” 

“Live a little, Remus.” Peter throws in, taking his eyes away from the map to watch Sirius who is doing a bizarre warm up with one leg crossed over the other, his bum on the muddy grass and staring at them unflinchingly.

“You know Muggles have a law against dog fighting?” Remus offers, though James can see the fight draining out of him.

“Well good thing I’m not a real dog.” Sirius argues back, standing up to strut towards them. He chucks off his robes and tie, throwing them in a pile by Peter’s feet on top of James’ invisibility cloak.

“And I’m not a dog at all,” James inputs helpfully, “So it’s not even really a dog fight.” He throws off his own robes, tossing them at Remus, who in his urge to pretend to be responsible is unable to catch them, the fabric slapping his face.

“Padfoot is literally the size of a bear, James.” Remus shakes his head, though he pulls out his bag of Sickles and starts to count them.

“I dunno. James has got antlers. It could be a fair fight.” Peter hums thoughtfully, ”C’mon Remus, you’ve got to judge it, it’s my turn to be look-out.”

“You honestly think I want to referee a fight between two tipsy Animagi, while anyone could see us?” Remus asks incredulously.

“Yes!” They chorus altogether with varying degrees of weariness. 

“Oh, I _hate_ that you’re right.” Remus groans, tossing five Sickles into the pile of robes they’ve collected.

“I can’t believe you’re betting against me,” James shakes his head at his friend. 

Remus only tuts at him, straightening up from the wall to wave his wand at the meadow. The ground is soft and easily submits to his ministrations, a circle appears into the mud like an imaginary stick is drawing it, about three meters in diameter. Clearly he’s put thought into how this fight would be executed, which is a good thing because the rest of them hadn’t bothered. Funny, Remus always seems to take care of the minute details.

“Sirius regularly keeps Moony at bay,” Remus explains his betting, “You’re a prey animal, James.”

“The antlers,” Peter urges, “You’re ignoring the antlers!”

“You’re the only one who gives a shit about the antlers, Wormtail,” Sirius rolls his eyes, making his way into the circle Remus has drawn up, “If your fat arse didn’t park itself on them, I doubt you’d care much either.”

Peter huffs in annoyance, throwing in an extra Sickle on James’ behalf. “You better win this one, Prongs.”

James grins, pumped up by the praise and joins Sirius into the ring. “Of course I will.”

“Don’t be too cocky,” Remus warns.

“See, Remus knows I’m the strongest of us all.” Sirius practically cackles and James thwacks him in the arm, sure that at least when they were human, he was the strongest of the lot.

“Ha!” Remus snorts as Sirius immaturely kicks his ankle, “I said you could keep the wolf at bay, not _beat_ it.”

“Well,” Sirius sniffs haughtily, “I suppose we’ll find out in a fortnight.”

“So,” Peter interrupts. The man is amazing at multitasking; somehow able to watch the map and pay attention to their brilliance simultaneously. “The ring is the boundary line. One of you must knock the other out of bounds completely in order for it to be called a victory.”

Sirius and James nod understandingly, starting to circle each other in the ring, an air of competition rising. “And no slashing at eyes or bites deep enough to bleed, we don’t need to be visiting the hospital wing tonight.” Remus adds, “If one of you manages to pin the other down inside the ring however, that could count as a victory as well.”

“Five seconds?” Sirius offers and James nods in agreement. He spits into his hand, stretches it out and James, grins, readily spits into his own palm and clasps them together. Rule number four of being a Marauder: always seal agreements in spit. 

“You are so going down, Pads.” James trashtalks, pulling his hand away. Sirius rolls his eyes and sticks up his middle finger in lieu of a response.

“Alright boys,” Peter calls, grinning in excitement, “On your marks, get set, transform!”

Just as the last word erupts from Peter’s lips, James wills his body to change and almost as quickly as he thinks it, his limbs start to elongate. The transformation from man to animal has always been a weird one, no matter how quickly it happens. His entire center of gravity shifts, suddenly he’s balancing on four legs instead of two.

He looks over at Sirius who has transformed as well. No matter how many times he does it, James always marvels at how genuinely massive Padfoot is. Of course, they’d designed it this way so he could wrangle Moony if need be, but still, the size is intimidating. James is, by no means small, but a stag has skinny legs and considerably softer teeth than a dog.

Padfoot bares his teeth in a manic grin and lunges forward. James leaps to his left, lowering his head, prepared for the pounce that’s coming. Sirius collides with his antlers, massive head grappling with the antlers on James. Though it keeps Sirius mildly in place, it also disorients him a bit to have someone shaking his head around so much.

With Sirius vaguely immobilized, James digs his hind legs into the muddy grass and pushes with all his might to trip Sirius out of bounds. But Sirius digs his paws into the mud and pushes James forward with so much force that he falters. The moment he weakens his antlers’ hold on Sirius, he wrangles out of James’ grip and pushes him hard at the base of his neck. James stumbles backwards as Sirius startles to circle the boundary watching James with a predatory look.

James eyes the boundary warily. The only advantage he has is that Sirius doesn’t think much before he fights and James can read his movements as easily as his own. However, that doesn’t do much more than prepare him for the lunge that’s coming his way. He tries to duck but Padfoot digs his claws into his back and he whimpers, twisting so strongly that he collides with the ground, mud matting his fur.

He kicks out his hooves, hitting Sirius squarely in the snout, successfully distracting him long enough to ram his antlers into his side. Sirius tumbles into the mud, shiny black fur now splattered with mud. He bares his teeth again, letting out a growl. He pounces before James has a chance to recover from his own blow. He throws himself into James’ back, his weakest point, digging his hind legs into the mud to propel James into the boundary.

The ring Remus has drawn up starts to flicker, white light emitting, as James’ hind legs cross the threshold. God, the look on Sirius’ face would be unbearable if he won. He holds onto his pride, channeling into his skinny, stag legs and propels himself away from the boundary. But Sirius is stronger than he is, claws sinking into his back painfully. Half of James is body is outside of the boundary. Sirius shifts subtly, ramming James in the head to stumble him further backwards. He digs his hooves into the mud, trying with all his might to hang on. 

It’s futile. Most of Prongs is outside the boundary, only his head with its glorious antlers still in the ring. One more second and he’d be out. 

“Oi!” Peter shouts, “Incoming!”

James almost starts laughing at the indignant look on Padfoot’s face, the immediate drooping of his ears. He can’t hold back his amusement when Sirius lets out a whine, laugh comes out as wheezing in this form and as he transforms back into a man, he’s still laughing even if he’s about to get into heaps of trouble.

“That is _so_ convenient,” Sirius moans, punching James in the shoulder once he’s a man as well. James snorts into Sirius’ neck as the man tackles him into the mud, splattering muck towards Peter and Remus.

There’s a light padding of feet and James tilts his head towards the corridor where Peter is valiantly covering the pile of Sickles with his own robes. Even with dim lanterns, it would be impossible for James to not recognize Lily Evans. He pushes Sirius off him in an instant, glad for the Quidditch training that enables him to get back on his feet so quickly. One hand immediately flies to his hair, nervously trying to push the mess back into a well… more artful mess.

Sirius snorts at his attempt. It’s only then James realizes that the two of them are still covered in mud, robes filled with dirty, brown patches and the hand he’s just thrust into his hair has just slicked his hair back with mud. Remus and Peter catch sight of him trying to gel his hair back and burst into a fit of laughter so loud that James’ cheeks burn.

“What do we have here?” Marlene tuts, blue eyes glinting mischievously. James hardly notices her, how can he when Lily is standing next to her, covering her laughter with her pale fingers.

The last three attempts of trying to apologize to Lily have resulted only in her laughing at his botched attempts. It makes him so nervous that he delves into an uncharacteristic silence, trying to remember how to form words without stuttering. 

“Can’t even be bothered to be quiet now? Getting awfully bold now, boys.” Lily adds, a smirk rising up on her own face. She’s shaking her head at them, though there’s a small twitching of her lips.

James opens his mouth, willing himself to think of something cool to say when Sirius beats him to it, “Who do you think would win in a fight me or Moony?”

Clearly the question is aimed for their animal counterparts, but Lily just shrugs and replies easily, “Remus would throttle you.” 

Peter descends into a peal of laughter. James grins too, glancing over at Remus, skinny, borderline sickly, who definitely wouldn’t be able to beat a fourth year in a fight, much less Sirius as a human.

“I dunno, I wouldn’t want Sirius to lose.” Marlene shrugs, looking at Lily. The two share an amused glance to an inside joke he can only guess at.

“Thank you! At least McKinnon knows I’d never lose a battle.” Sirius exclaims, strutting back over to the meadow’s entrance, wagging his finger at Remus.

“I didn’t say you wouldn’t lose. I just said I didn’t _want_ you to.” Marlene smiles mockingly at him, “Would be a pity to see that pretty face all banged up.” She flicks his jaw with her left hand, glittering fingernails smudged by mud.

“I’m going to choose to ignore the fact that you said I’d lose this fight just because you have catered to my ego.” Sirius returns easily, leaning into Marlene’s space. How was it that they could flirt so easily and whenever James tried it ended with him feeling like someone had hit him with a tongue-tying jinx?

“See, that ego is just how you’d lose in a fight.” Peter shakes his head sadly.

“You’d be too busy protecting your face to throw a good punch.” Remus adds, picking up their pile of Sickles in his arms, tying the mound into one of their robes.

“Oi!” Sirius exclaims, momentarily distracted from whatever he was trying to accomplish from a staring contest with Marlene, “I just won a fight, I’ll have you know!” 

“Against Potter?” Lily asks, raising her eyebrow suspiciously. James puffs out his chest at her support and she just rolls her eyes at him. “Regardless of your _supposed_ win, it’s getting awfully late. You should head back to the common room before someone comes by and gives you detention.”

“In a good mood, Evans?” Sirius flutters his lashes at her.

“She’s out herself, Pads, what’s she gonna do, give herself detention while she’s at it?” James speaks for the first time since Lily has appeared. She doesn’t respond, but her lip does twitch in what he hopes is amusement.

Sirius laughs heartily, turning back to Marlene with his usual charming stare, “Alright, McKinnon, I’ll let you walk me back to Gryffindor tower.” 

Marlene blinks at him in mock disgust, “You’ve completely lost it if you think I’m coming anywhere near you when you’re covered in muck.” Sirius clutches his chest in offense, but his hair still looks good while James is sure his resembles a bird’s nest (more so than usual).

“ _Tergeo_ ,” Remus waves his wand, lifting the majority of dirt off Sirius and James’ robes. James shoots him a grateful look that he returns with a wink. “We’ll escort you back, Sirius.” Remus says over-exaggeratedly in his ‘I’m actually a Prefect guys, knock it off’ voice.

“Wouldn’t want Marlene to besmirch your honor while you’re alone.” Peter throws in, as Marlene rolls her eyes at their antics. The four of them start to move towards the Ravenclaw common room despite their earlier declarations and Lily goes to follow them. Peter looks up from the map to give James a meaningful look, widening his eyes and flicking them towards Lily, very clearly saying ‘APOLOGIZE NOW’.

James swallows and tries to summon some Gryffindor courage. “Evans, wait up for a second will you?” He calls, trying to drop his voice into a lower octave. He bends over to scoop up the invisibility cloak his friends have left for him. Marlene turns to give James a suspicious look, unaware that behind her Sirius and Remus are giving him thumbs ups.

Lily’s in a tanktop, so when she turns, her hair flutters out of the way, revealing light freckles dusting her shoulders, “Why? Gonna try and besmirch my honor?” She says cheekily, but waves at Marlene, letting the group go down the opposite direction.

“Wha—no, no!” He manages to splutter. _Merlin_ , how is he supposed to make sense when she’s here outsmarting him while looking so pretty? He clears his throat loudly, jogging slightly to catch up with her, “I just… I’m sorry.” 

She furrows her brows together, walking a tad bit slower now, “Sorry about staying out at night? Do you need to go to the Hospital Wing or—”

“AboutwhathappenedlasttermaftertheOWLS.” 

“What?”

James wills his voice to slow down, pulling his glasses off to wipe them on a relatively clean part of his shirt. It’s only Evans. “I was an idiot.” _Only Evans_ , a voice in head that sounds remarkably like Sirius’, laughs, _yeah right_. He fixes his glasses back into his face, turning to look at her determinedly. 

“Always are.” She responds easily. But he can see her interest is piqued because her green eyes are a little more serious when she turns to look over at him, “Care to be a bit more specific?”

His forehead is beading with sweat, and a drop of mud falls from his hair onto the floor. Seems Remus’ charm had missed a few spots. “Last term… after the OWLs, I should—” James starts. 

In an instant, the friendliness vanishes from Lily’s expression, her smile tightening. “It’s alright.” She says stiffly, “We have to go back before someone finds us.”

“I’ve got my Cloak, it’s alright.” He lifts it up, offering it to her in an effort to gain back her smile.

“ _Merlin's beard_.” She gasps, reaching out her fingers to touch the shimmering fabric, “Is this a _real_ invisibility cloak?” Her voice is filled with admiration and he doesn’t bother holding back the smug smile that arises on his features, “How thick can you be to still get caught with this thing?”

He snorts, so much for admiration. “It doesn’t really muffle sound and sometimes things are rather funny.” 

She rolls her eyes at the ridiculousness of his answer, but allows him to throw the cloak over the two of them. Perhaps he didn’t think this plan through because he’s more nervous than he was a minute ago. Lily is standing remarkably close to him now in order to keep them both covered, so close that he thinks he smells the lavender of her shampoo. They walk in a somewhat comfortable silence for the next few corridors, James keeping watch for anyone that might be approaching them. 

“Evans.” He says finally. The walk back to Gryffindor tower will take at least another ten minutes and he can’t stand the quiet any longer. “I promise I won’t force you to listen to me if you really don’t want to, but you deserve an apology.” 

Lily scowls and turns to look at him, “Will you be giving one to Severus as well?” The fierceness in her voice makes up for the fact that she just barely reaches his shoulder. His lack of answer makes her huff, walking away from him so quickly that the cloak is pulled straight off her, “Didn’t think so.” 

“Will you stop!” James calls, walking a little faster to catch up with her. He throws the cloak over the two of them again, “You’d really rather get caught walking around after hours than listen to me apologize?” 

“I’m not interested in your rubbish excuses!” She fires back at him, green eyes more stunning than any stupefy he’s ever heard. _Bloody hell_ , he has a problem. 

“Stop making up your mind about what I’m going to say before I’ve said it!” He argues back instead of voicing any of the ridiculous things he’s thinking. 

She folds her arms together, “Alright then, let’s hear it.” 

He blinks, not expecting to actually winning that argument. He flounders under the intensity of her gaze, “I don’t have an excuse. I… shouldn’t have done that.” 

Her nostrils flare, her shoulder bumps against his as the turn into another corridor, “Brilliantly composed speech, Potter, honestly.” 

“Bloody hell, you’re never going to go easy on me, are you?” He bursts out, a spark in his chest chasing some of the nervousness out of his system, “Snape and I are never gonna be best mates and fighting with him isn’t what I’m apologizing for, though I reckon I may have gone a tad bit too far.” 

“A _tad_ bit?” 

“A lot! I went a lot too far!” He agrees immediately. 

Lily frowns. She seems to walk a lot slower when she’s thinking because he has to take miniscule steps as to not overtake her. “As I recall, you started that whole mess because ‘he exists’. Which, need I remind you, is not—” 

“Oh, come off it, Evans. You know that’s not why I loathe the guy.” James argues, annoyance crackling in him for the first time since the conversation started. 

“Whatever.” Lily responds, turning away from him in her own irritation. 

He throws his hands up in the air, jostling the cloak around them, “For heaven’s sake, Evans.” He pauses. The rhyme echoes in his ears and he can’t help letting out a series of undignified snorts. 

She’s smiling wide enough for him to see her teeth, his body shaking hers with the force of his laughter. “Oh my God, stop laughing at your stupid joke!” Lily exclaims, though she looks as though she can’t believe she found his joke funny herself. 

“I can’t help it.” He responds, finishing the last of his chuckles off before he attempts to make sense again. “I really am sorry. I… I know I’m not the biggest fan of Snape, but I’m sorry that I egged him on. I know you think that I’m kind of an idiot, but I didn’t realize what I was doing.” 

Lily shakes her head at him, looking at him with something that isn’t annoyance any longer, but something akin to disappointment. He has a distinct feeling she’d be putting her hands on her hips if she could right now. “You knew exactly what you were doing. You were deliberately trying to embarrass him.” 

“I… I suppose I was.” He says uncomfortably. 

“You _did_ egg him on.” She insists, her voice taking on a melancholy sort of tone when she continues. He thinks he sees her blink rapidly. “But he shouldn’t have said it anyways.” James’ heart starts to beat a little faster, adrenaline pouring through him in his anger at Snape. How could that little git be okay with making Lily Evans sound so… lost? 

Lily shrugs, in an instant shifting into an air of apathy. “He would’ve ended up saying it eventually, even if you hadn’t been around to push him into it.” Her tone is so offhand that for a minute he could almost believe her. But it reminds him of the way she hadn’t spared a second in turning on Snape the moment the m-word had left his lips. He had thought it was indifference back then. But now, watching the way she pulls at her hair, he sees it for what it is; a defense. “You don’t have to apologize, it’s not as though you forced him to be a bigot.” 

“I’m sorry you got caught in the wandfire.” James says, voice suddenly croaky, “I was being a prick and thought it would be I dunno, cool or funny or something…” 

“It wasn’t.” She responds sharply, walking a little faster now that they’re climbing a set of stairs towards the Fat Lady portrait. 

“I know that now.” James sighs, guilt creeping up his throat, Lily deserves the truth. “I… I was angry at him.” 

“Why?” 

“I’ve always hated him because of how he looks down on Gryffindors. And he’s mad about the Dark Arts which I loathe.” James swallows the shame, sweat dripping down his neck and sinking down his spine. “I wish I’d done it because of some noble reason like that, but I was just… angry that I saw him as something horrible and you could still see good in him. I hated that you were still friends with him. What I did… it was me being—” He cuts off abruptly, not knowing what he’s trying to say any longer. 

“Insecure?” She turns up to look at him, head tilted in a way that just might be sympathetic. 

“I was going to say an idiot.” He manages to huff out. 

Lily pauses and then tells him as though she’s given this a great deal of thought, “If you’re so proud of being a Gryffindor, you should realize that there was nothing brave or noble about what you did.” James swallows tightly, the words so difficult to hear that he has to physically stop himself from interrupting her. But he doesn’t, a small part of him, the deepest part in which he likes to hide away things like his mother’s death and the cruelty of the world, whispers that Lily is very much right. “It was cruel. It was a cowardly way to deal with your feelings.” 

“I know that now. I’m sorry it took that to realize it.” He rasps, voice so quiet that it barely sounds like his own. 

Lily seems to sense his shame because her voice is just a tad bit gentler when she continues, “Just… be better, Potter. Just because you’re a Gryffindor doesn’t mean you’re automatically the good guy.” 

“Right.” James says, head swirling with unwelcome images that he barely hears Lily murmur the password. He remembers his very first Hogwarts journey, lifting an imaginary sword, wanting to be just as brave as his father. He’s always thought of himself as a good guy, he’s a Gryffindor after all, but Lily’s words from that fateful day after their OWLs echo in his ears. _You’re as bad as he is_. A cold fist closes around his heart at the realization that his parents, his _mother_ would be disappointed in him. 

Lily pulls the cloak off the two of them, gently folding it over and setting it in James’ arms once they’ve both climbed over the portrait hole. She’s still standing very close to him, but for once in his life, he can’t bear to look at her. He feels as though he’ll burst into flames. “Severus and I’s friendship never would’ve lasted. We were… always going to be on different sides.” Lily murmurs quietly, “It’s not your fault we stopped being friends, that rests solely on him.” 

This rises James out of his stupor, he looks up in indignation. It sounds as though she was expecting her friend to betray her and the idea disgusts him. “Yeah, but still! You didn’t deserve that.” He waits for her to look up at him. His voice is soft, trying to be as soothing as possible when he says, “Nobody deserves to lose a friend like that and, _Lily_ … I really am sorry I played a part in it.” 

Lily blinks at him, eyebrows furrowing together as though she’s looking at him for the very first time. “Thanks, Potter.” She breathes and takes a step away from him. It’s just then that he notices how close they were. Surely enough for her to feel his body shaking in shame and he takes an aborted step backwards as well. They can’t seem to meet each others’ eyes. “Erm, well goodnight!” She calls and turns around so abruptly that her hair whirls around to hit his chest. 

He watches her climb the steps to the girls’ dormitory, feeling as though someone has thrown a pitcher of water over him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My theory is that _initially_ James would've wanted to apologize to Lily because he made her feel bad rather than actually feeling like he did something wrong.


	7. the grey area

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which, James and Lily laugh a lot and fight a little

The rest of October passes with relatively no incident. Well, if you can call it no incident that James Potter has taken to staring at her like she’s set him on fire or something of the sort. It almost seems like he doesn’t realize he’s doing it because every now and then she’ll snap her fingers together in front of his face and he’ll blink sheepishly at her and turn back to whatever he was doing.

Lily isn’t completely innocent either, she’s taken to staring at the back of his head in Charms, to Emmeline’s concern and Marlene’s amusement. She can’t help it. There’s _something_ about James Potter that makes Lily feel completely off kilter. Every time she looks at James, she feels strange about wishing her friendship with Severus would go back to how it used to be.

It’s a stupid thing to wish for, she knows, Severus has crossed an uncrossable line. But sometimes she’ll be making a potion or talking about the cinema in Cokeworth and there’s no one who would grasp what she was trying to say better than he would. Lily has always lived in the beautiful grey area between black and white. She knows that sometimes friends do horrible things just as well as she knows that sometimes arrogant boys have good hearts deep down. Well, she thought she knew that. Now, she can’t help but hear the firmness in James’ voice every time she looks over at Severus; _nobody deserves to lose a friend like that_.

Marlene and Emmeline have given their two Knuts about Severus, about her wish of wanting to turn back time and be friends like when they were eleven. Marlene had looked at her as though she’d grown another head, as though Severus wasn’t worth the ground beneath her sneakers, much less a thought in her head. Emmeline had at least offered Lily a sad smile and told her that sometimes there are things that just can’t be undone.

Stupid James Potter and his stupid worldview. They’re not in the same boat. He has the unbelievable luck of all his friends falling on the right side of morality (although sometimes Sirius, and James himself, are questionable) and the privilege of never having to ask himself; am I willing to ignore this for the sake of our friendship?

“Potter!” Slughorn exclaims in the middle of their Potions class. Lily looks up from where she is collecting the ingredients for the Wiggenweld potion. “I’m afraid you and Mr Black simply distract each other too much.”

“I can’t help that he stares at me so much, Professor,” Sirius calls lazily from his chair, “He’s trying to figure out what makes me so good looking and him so ridiculous, but clearly the truth hasn’t sunken in yet.”

“Oh I know the truth.” She hears James mutter under his breath, “Inbreeding makes you beautiful, just look at Narcissa.” Sirius starts to laugh, having to put a fist nearly inside his mouth to keep from making more noise than he usually does.

Slughorn laughs heartily at the two boys, “Now, now, Sirius, we can’t all be so lucky,” Lily holds back a laugh at the offended look on James’ face, “We’ll have to switch partners. Miss McKinnon and Mr Potter, why don’t you trade places?” James must’ve had a crestfallen look on his face because Slughorn continues, “C’mon lad, you’re getting my brightest student, I think that’s a fair trade!”

Lily gives Slughorn her best smile, though she’s nervous beyond belief. Her and James have only exchanged small remarks in the great hall or in passing during class. They haven’t spoken properly since his apology, both of them feeling uncharacteristically shy in front of one another. Marlene starts to pile her things together, she doesn’t look the least bit disappointed about having to sit next to Sirius. The traitor.

“Marly,” Lily whispers, “At least pretend to feel bad!” Marlene only winks at her, sauntering over to Sirius’ side, bumping James’ shoulder on her way. She happily sits down next to Sirius, the man in question stops slouching and brings his stool much closer to her than it was before.

“I know,” James says, dropping his things next to them, “I dunno what’s going on there either.”

Lily stops squinting at the pair and looks up at James who is smiling sheepishly at her, “They’ve been flirting with each other since we hit puberty, I’m just shocked that nothing’s come of it.”

He grins at her, shrugging his shoulders. She waits for him to take his materials out, lifting her head to look at Marlene again, when she catches sight of Severus. He looks furious, lip curling in disgust and it’s only then that she realizes she’d been smiling back at James. Abruptly she pulls her stare away from Severus, but doesn’t drop her smile. He doesn’t get to control what Lily does.

“Alright Miss Evans?” Slughorn appears at their table, “I hope you won’t be angry with me for switching partners like that.”

“Oh, Professor, I suppose I can make do with Potter.” She looks innocently up at him, “His father _did_ make Sleekeazy’s Hair Potion, so one can hope he has the genes for decent potion making.”

James doesn’t hold a snort back and Slughorn glances at him for a moment before letting out his own hesitant laughter. He waddles away soon after, instructing them to begin their potions and to finish by the end of class. “I’m not quite as good as my father,” James tells her as she starts pouring ingredients into their cauldron.

“Ha-ha,” She says dryly.

“What’s with the disbelief?” He asks, shaking his head at her over-dramatically. He glances at the textbook just once before adding the correct amount of salamander blood to the potion, taking the ladle to stir at the right pace.

She rolls her eyes at him, “That’s because you’re lazy in Potions,” she informs him. When she was younger, it used to annoy her that everything came so easily to him, while she had to fight tooth and nail for any recognition or talent in their classes. But as the years carried on and she got accustomed to the natural brilliance he seemed to show in every class. Her insecurity dimmed once she realized she could out-charm their entire year in her sleep and brew a potion strong enough to make Slughorn speechless (which was a very difficult thing to accomplish).

“I’ve never been accused of such a thing.” He says, holding his spare hand to his chest in mock offense.

Once the potion turns orange, she adds more salamander blood, gesturing for him to continue stirring. “If you cared more, I’m sure you’d be top of the class.”

“And take that away from you? I could never.” He winks at her and she lets out a little breath of laughter despite herself. He looks over at her, hazel eyes clouded by the smudges in his glasses and says offhandedly. “Besides, you’re a natural, even if I bothered, I couldn’t be as good as you.”

A tiny part of Lily cheers, pleased with the compliment, but she wills herself not to show it and instead teases, “I suppose you’ll have to do with Transfiguration and Herbology and Defense—”

“—hey, we’re definitely tied for Defense.” He nudges at her side with his elbow, “Though I reckon Remus and Sirius have us beaten out for the top spot.”

“How dare they?” She jibes back, waiting for the potion to turn turquoise before she lights the flame under the cauldron with her wand. He smiles unabashedly, almost his whole set of teeth showing when he looks over at her.

The rest of class passes by quickly enough. It’s easy for time to go by so fast when James is whispering ridiculous theories about how Lily could be slipping Slughorn a love potion because there’s no way someone is _that_ obsessed with her. Numerous times she has to stop herself from bursting out into a fit of giggles. Most notably when James charms the golden threading of Slughorn’s robes to spell out “Property of L. Evans” on his back. She descends into a peal of laughter so hard that she can’t bring herself to stop, forgetting to stop the cauldron flame in time. It had taken James’ shushing, Slughorn’s bewildered stare and Severus’ murderous aura to get herself under control.

She's been partners with Severus every time they have Potions with the Slyrherins in the last five years. She had been looking forward to working with him in the advanced, NEWT level class because he was one of the only people who took it as seriously as she did. Working with James, on the other hand, had resulted in her first ever lesson in which Slughorn did not say, “Bravo, Miss Evans, ten points to Gryffindor!” The laughter more than made up for the lack of points and Slughorn’s disappointed smile.

“Hmm,” Marlene says once class is over, grabbing Lily’s elbow, “Looks like I wasn’t the only one happy with the seat change.”

Lily fails to pretend as though she disagrees. Instead she bumps her shoulder with James, who winks at the girls. “What can I say? I’m just loads more fun than you, Marls.”

Marlene sticks her tongue out at James and Lily is reminded of just how long the two of them have known one another. “Now, now, Prongs,” Sirius tuts, the four of them making their way out of the Potions classroom, “I, personally, had lots of fun with McKinnon, here.”

He puts his arm around her and Lily and James make identical, disgusted faces. “I’m sure playing footsie was a riot.” Lily says dryly.

“You two seemed distracted enough without it,” Marlene notices and she gives Lily some serious side-eye, making her knock into Marlene so she stops being so suggestive in front of them. “Can’t believe you mucked up the potion.”

Mucked up is a bit of a stretch, if Lily was grading it she would’ve given it Exceeds Expectations. She’s about to say so, but Sirius beats her to it, nodding sagely, “I thought you’d have been disappointed without your usual quota of praise, Evans.”

“I think you’re mistaking me for a certain, specky git we know.” Lily throws back easily, revelling in the snort Sirius lets out and the noise of indignation James makes.

They continue walking down the corridor, when a figure slams into James’ side and pushes past them. Severus. Marlene looks at Lily, blue eyes flashing with concern but Lily just screws up her face into the best smile she can muster and continues walking. Sirius opens his mouth but Marlene elbows him hard in the ribs and says loudly, “Why don't I show you the Ravenclaw common room?”

Sirius narrows his eyes and Lily tenses; at times his temper with Severus scares her. She’s heard rumors about the dangerous prank he tried to pull on Severus last year and how only James’ intervention stopped it from going sour. Marlene tugs on Sirius’ tie, pulling him away from James and Lily until he has to hold her waist to keep from stumbling over. “I’d love to see it,” He says finally, tearing his gaze away from Severus’ retreating figure, landing squarely on Marlene.

Her muscles unclench as they give James and Lily a wave and make their way to the Ravenclaw common room, hands roaming over each other. When she turns, she sees that James is watching her carefully out of the corner of his eye. “He wasn’t going to do anything.”

She raises an unimpressed eyebrow, starting to walk again towards the Great Hall. “Oh, you can read his mind, now?”

James shrugs, bringing up a hand to mess up the back of his hair. “It’s one of my many talents.”

Lily almost voices her concern about how Sirius’ loathing of Severus borders on something darker, but James would never want to be part of a conversation questioning his best friend. So instead, what comes out of her mouth is: “It’s sweet. How well you know each other.”

He blinks at her, clearly surprised before letting out an amused breath. “Unfortunate really,” He shakes his head, “Sirius’ mind is filled with rather vile images of your beautiful best mate.” Lily makes a face, “I know, it’s horrible. One time, while he was sleeping, Peter and I—”

But Lily never does find out what James and Peter got up to while Sirius was sleeping because suddenly she’s sprawled out onto the floor, her knees hitting the stone painfully. She hasn’t got the best of reflexes so her face almost collides with the ground. Her palms burst with pinpricks of pain, debris sticking to her skin. To her right she hears a set of giggles and tilts her head to see two Slytherins, a boy and a girl, no older than twelve. They must’ve cast a tripping jinx if the way the boy is pocketing his wand is any indication.

“I can’t believe they make Muggle-borns Prefects,” The girl says in a voice she must think is a whisper.

Lily’s jaw clenches, but she pushes her palms onto the floor and pulls herself to a crouching position. She picks up her bag slowly and pulls it back onto her shoulder, genuinely surprised James hasn’t offered to help her up. She can imagine, quite vividly, his put-on, posh voice while pretending to be gentlemanly. But when she finally gets to her feet, she sees that James’ wand arm is raised. “Potter, don’t—”

But it’s too late. With an almost lazy flick of his wand, he casts a jinx that causes the pair of kids’ tongues to roll out of their mouths. They extend longer and longer, the pink standing out horribly with the grey floors. Clearly they can still taste because the girl starts to gag as her tongue starts slithering around on the more dank parts of the castle walls. The boy’s tongue starts to curl around his own foot like a small snake and he shakes desperately on one leg.

Lily reaches into her robe pocket to pull out her wand, rapidly trying to think of a counter-jinx. But the girl catches sight of her, blue eyes widening in terror and pulls her friend. The boy’s gaze drops to her wand and they almost fall over each other and their elongated tongues as they flee the corridor.

Lily clenches her jaw and whirls around to face James. He has a self-satisfied smirk on his face that sets her nerves ablaze. “What is the matter with you!” She spits, aware that there’s a crowd of younger students staring at them.

“The matter with _me_?” He asks, pocketing his wand and turning to face her.

“Yes!” She huffs, throwing her hands onto her hips, “Just when I think you’ll stop behaving like a child, you go and do this.”

“This meaning standing up for you?” He asks slowly like she’s the stupid one here.

“Detention!” She scowls back at him, “That wasn’t standing up for me. That was hexing people for your own amusement.” She takes a few steps closer to him so she doesn’t have to shout, “It’s immature and idiotic, d’you actually not realize that?”

He shrugs his shoulders carelessly, “I realize it, but I’m so good at it, I can’t deprive the world of that.”

How did they go from being breathless with laughter to this so quickly? “Your head is going to be too big for the common room soon.”

His hazel eyes narrow at her from behind the smudges in his glasses, “Oh come on, Evans.” He says, exasperated, “You heard what they said! It’s not like I’m jinxing innocent people!”

“Am I supposed to congratulate you for that? Bully for you, Potter.” Lily fires back, “They’re like _twelve_!”

“And that’s an excuse, how?” James shoots at her, throwing his hands up, “They’re horrible; going around with their stupid, Death Eater propaganda. Going around calling people a—a, well you know what!”

“You heard them, they called me a Muggle-born.” She argues. He’s completely missing her point. “You think Death Eaters are just born? They’ve barely started school and you’re putting them in this evil box?”

“Oh don’t go acting like they’re completely harmless. If we let this continue, it won’t just be tripping jinxes they’re throwing!” He steps closer to her as he fights like he’s unable to keep still.

“Oh you just _know_ that they’re going to turn into Death Eaters?”

“Not necessarily,” He concedes angrily, “But it’s not as though they’re headed down a good path, are they? Slytherins—”

Lily claps a hand to her forehead, “Bloody hell, this is back to the stupid rivalry between Gryffindor and Slytherin! You’re a sixth year, Potter, younger students look up to you, and what’re you showing them? How to instigate hatred—”

“Hatred? You’re lecturing _me_ about hatred? What about the Slytherins?” He interrupts, his shoulders tensing through his robes, “ _They’re_ the ones actively endorsing killing Muggle-borns!” And the conversation takes a hard turn downwards. They’re no longer talking about twelve year olds throwing immature jinxes at her in the hallways.

Lily takes a deep breath, forces herself not to shout. There are students crowding around and whispering and she wants to make sure they hear just what she has to say. “Don’t talk to me like I’m stupid, I’m perfectly aware of what they’re up to. Anyone endorsing that doesn’t have a kind bone in their body. But _you_ do.” She says firmly. One of the few things she is absolutely certain about is that James Potter has a good heart. It might be hidden behind inumerable layers of idiocy and recklessness, but it’s there. “So, I’m asking you, not to be a total arse, and just behave yourself every once in a while.”

“You’d rather I just sit back and watch it happen like a coward?” He asks and Lily blinks, tilts her head back at him for a second. He looks at things so _plainly_ ; like there simply must be a distinct line between good and bad, like there is no grey area.

“You think that jinxing Slytherins and bullying Snape makes you brave?” She points out to him, noticing how his expression falters immediately at her reference of Severus, “It makes you stupid, Potter, and you’re a lot of things, but stupid isn’t one of them.”

This time when he speaks, he isn’t shouting. His voice has dropped and it sounds almost innocent when he asks, “You’d actually rather I let them jinx you behind your back? How does that make any sense?”

The painful clench in Lily’s heart loosens a bit and she gives James a wry smile. “You don’t have to be a knight for me, you know. I don’t need a pureblood savior.” She glances around at their audience, giving them a sharp stare that says ‘shoo’ pointedly. She lowers her voice to tell him, “I appreciate your help and I’m glad you’re not a bigot, but you need to realize that you can’t fight every battle for me or even with me.”

“But—” He starts, wanting to argue before she’s even done speaking. He reminds her of her father sometimes, who is always the first to a fight before even knowing what it’s about.

She holds up a finger to stop him, “I’m not saying you should let people get away with saying whatever they want, but Merlin’s beard, don’t stoop to their level.” She leaves the _you’re better than that_ unsaid.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was really nervous about writing this chapter because they just had a sort of argument last chapter and I didn't want to fall into trope of wow all they do is fight !! (because they very clearly don't) I just wanted to point out the difference in their moralities before they're able to move forward into a real friendship


	8. with a little help from my friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lily hangs out the marauders and finds out just how much fun she'd been missing out on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Longest chapter yet !!!!! Nervous !!!

“I think this looks good, Lily,” Remus murmurs, his eyes skimming the text of their Transfiguration homework, “Partial human transfiguration is much more difficult to achieve than entire human transfiguration. You give the example of giving someone wings as opposed to making them into a bird. Professor McGonagall will be pleased.”

“I bloody hope so, we only spent the last four hours working on it.” Lily mutters, pulling her parchment back towards her. Remus graces her with a smile before turning back to his own essay, flicking his quill back and forth in his hand.

“I’m still trying to figure out why Animagi can retain human thoughts, but if you transfigure someone into an animal, they can’t.” Emmeline frowns, biting the edge of her quill with her teeth.

The library is filled with students only fifth year and up. With Christmas holidays fast approaching, the younger students haven’t got too much work to do. Her, Remus and Emmeline have spread out onto one of the larger tables by the windows like they often do when the coursework gets tough. Occasionally, Peter and Marlene will drop by if they’re particularly nervous in Peter’s case or angry about Charms in Marlene’s. It’s rare for James and Sirius to come by, they seem to do well effortlessly, but they’ll drop in with some Chocolate Frogs for Remus every now and then. It was one of the activities that bonded the Gryffindors in their year together; even Mary MacDonald who usually hung out with Hufflepuffs came by if Lily noticed she was struggling with school work. It’s usually nice to sit by the sun, have natural light streaming onto their textbooks, but now that they’re older, it’s just depressing. 

December had given them light showers of snow, gentle flakes cascading down from the sky, capping the castle with white tops. Little first years could be seen from up here, pelting snowballs at one another, trying to figure out how best to make their snowmen move. Lily stares out the window distractedly, remembering when she had been so carefree and when NEWTs hadn’t been at the forefront of her mind.

Remus has been murmuring lowly under his breath, unconsciously reading out the passage from their textbook for the last few minutes and she can see Emmeline starting to lose her patience with him. Lily glances at her watch, four hours and twenty-six minutes, which wasn’t too bad considering they usually started to get distracted much sooner. “Let’s take a break, shall we?” She says, smoothly preventing the kick that Emmeline was going to aim at Remus’ shins. 

Emmeline shoots her a grateful look and Lily winks back at her. Remus looks up from his book, half dazed and smiles at the pair of them. He looks tired, his maroon sweater hanging loosely from his body, dark circles ringing his eyes. She wonders if he’s getting enough sleep. She knows the theory that Severus used to have about him. More than once she’s been curious about whether he was right, especially after he’d abruptly stopped declaring it at any given opportunity. But, it feels wrong almost, to try and discover Remus’ secret, especially if he’d taken so many precautions to avoid it. 

“What’re your plans for the hols?” Remus asks them interrupting Lily’s train of thought. 

Emmeline sighs dreamily, fingers twisting around a curl in her afro. “Mum and dad have convinced Al to come with us to India. I’m so excited to visit!”

Lily pouts, “There’s going to be so many interesting things to see. You must bring back some photographs.” Emmeline nods enthusiastically. “What about you, Remus? What’ll you be up to?”

“The boys and I will be staying back at Hogwarts this break,” He smiles, leaning back into his chair, “We were thinking about going back to James’, but his dad’s buried in work.” He looks a bit awkward when he says that and Lily suspects it’s likely that James is not quite ready to have Christmas without his mum just yet.

“Well, you lot can give Lily company then,” Emmeline says, relieved, “Marlene’s goin’ home as well, they always have a big family Christmas.”

“We’d love to have you,” Remus agrees easily, “But don’t you usually go home?”

Lily groans aloud, “Don’t remind me.” 

At Remus’ quizzical stare, Emmeline lets out a giggle. “Lily’s house is going to have an extra guest this break.”

“My sister’s boyfriend.” She says, making a face. “I think she’s planning on telling him about all this,” She waves a hand at herself, “So Tuney has very kindly told me not to come home for it.”

“That’s a bit harsh.”

Lily shrugs, “She wants things to be perfect for Vernon.”

“Vernon.” Remus repeats, like he’s trying not to laugh. “What kind of a name is Vernon?” He asks and Lily is reminded that despite Remus’ tendency to be more polite than his friends, he’s just as humorous as the rest of them.

“Vernon Dursley,” Emmeline tells him, “He looks like a bloody whale.”

Lily snorts, “If whales had tiny wisps of a hopeful moustache, then yeah, a whale.”

“I’m getting quite an image in my head right now.” Remus says, his lips twitching. He looks at Lily then, offering sincerely, “Well, instead of looking at a whale all break long, you can look at James and Peter try to put Sirius on top of a Christmas tree, if you’d like.”

Emmeline and Lily share an incredulous look. “Why on earth would anyone want to do that?” Emmeline voices Lily’s bewilderment. 

“They say, and I quote ‘if he’s going to go on and on about him being named after a star, he has to deal with the consequences.’” Remus says in a very good imitation of Peter, his voice high-pitched and excited. 

Lily and Emmeline giggle as quietly as possible because Madame Pince has started shooting daggers at them. “You lot get up to the strangest things,” Lily remarks.

Remus shrugs good naturedly, “But really, at least come to Hogsmeade with us.”

Lily twists her lips together, thinking about it. She likes hanging around the boys, they’re usually a very good time, but mostly Emmeline and Marlene are also around. She’s not sure if she’s ready to commit to an entire day in the village with them. They’re a riot, but they’re also the best of friends and it’s easy to feel left out when you’re around them for too long. 

“Oh come on. I promise we’ll behave ourselves.” Remus urges, “Don’t just stay shut in the common room all break.”

“Go on, Lily,” Emmeline nudges her.

“Alright, alright,” She concedes, smiling at Remus. The visit is on Friday, after everyone who was going home had left. “I’ll meet you at the Great Hall at noon?”  
/  
Lily makes her way into the Great Hall, after seeing Emmeline and Marlene off at the carriages. Now that term’s over, she’s free to roam around in her Muggle clothes and she’s thankful for it. Her turtlenecks and corduroy pants were considerably warmer than any pair of robes she owned. She wears the navy peacoat that her mother had gifted her last year, fingers deep in her pockets as she walks. 

She sees the boys crowded together by the Great Hall entrance. Sirius leans lazily against the wall, wearing a thick leather jacket that he must’ve gotten from a Muggle store because she’s never seen a wizard wear anything like that. Remus is laughing at something he’s saying, clad in what looks as though a new sweater, if the lack of patches is anything to go by. Peter and James are standing in front of them, heads bent together, James’ long arm around Peter.

As she gets closer, she overhears Peter saying, confusedly, “I can’t believe Lily agreed to come with us. You two had a row like two weeks ago, didn’t you?” Lily slows her walk a little. The annoying thing about first years was just how fast they spread gossip. By the time she’d arrived in the Great Hall, Mary and Emmeline had already heard about her spat with James in the corridor. “How do you two always manage to go back to normal after a massive row?”

“Because Potter might be a tosser, but at least I know we’re always going to be on the same side.” Lily says offhandedly, ducking her head in the space between James and Peter. They spring apart, Peter blushing at being overheard and James smiling crookedly at her. He’s in several layers making him look like a large penguin. “Besides,” Lily explains, giving a little wave to Remus and Sirius who look amused with her entrance, “We argue because we go about things differently, not because we hate one another.”

“See,” James says shaking his head at Peter, “Told ya’ Evans didn’t hate me.”

“Actually,” Remus throws in, “It was _us_ telling _you_ , she didn’t, mate.”

James makes a noise of protest, but Sirius shoves him hard towards the corridor, propelling him forwards to start walking. “Took you long enough, Evans,” Sirius grins, “Thought we were gonna have to leave without you.”

“Then you wouldn’t have nearly as much fun,” She replies easily, walking in tandem with Remus. 

The walk to Hogsmeade takes much longer than it would if Lily were going with Marlene and Emmeline. This is largely because James and Sirius get distracted by the smallest of things, like the fact that Professor McGonagall was accompanied on her trip to the village by a man they did not recognize. They wasted ten minutes watching James and Sirius argue loudly and pointedly about how McGonagall had betrayed them and how “they thought they had something special.'' It was only with her threatening to take fifty points from Gryffindor that they ceased their dramatics, though Lily thought she saw McGonagall smiling when she returned to her companion. 

When they finally arrive at Hogsmeade, Lily insists they go immediately to the Three Broomsticks as she was so out of breath with laughter, that she could use a drink. “Butterbeer alright?” James asks her when they walk inside.

He seems to know everyone else’s order, as they hadn’t bothered to linger at the door, instead searching for a table in the crowded bar. “I’ll have a firewhiskey, if you don’t mind.” Lily tells him over the chatter.

He makes a face, glasses lifting slightly off his nose, “It’s barely one, Evans.”

She laughs, recalling the last party they had thrown in the common room in which James had ended up passing out before midnight. Remus had charmed a large and lewd drawing in the middle of his forehead to flash in brilliant colors and told Lily he was allowed to because he was a Prefect (he may have been very drunk, as well). “Not my fault you’re a lightweight, Potter.” He rolls his eyes at her, saluting at her request and making his way towards the bar.

The boys locate a table towards the very back and she shuffles her way around the crowd to reach them. Sirius and Remus are already on one side of the table, so she slides in next to Peter, shucking off her coat and shaking snowflakes out of her hair.

“So, Evans,” Sirius starts, tilting back in his chair, curtain of black hair curling elegantly around his face. She’s heard more than once, a gaggle of younger girls gossip about how he was the epitome of cool and how they’d wish he’d ask them to Hogsmeade. She doubts they’d think that if they knew he drank Fairy Wine and cried when Gryffindor lost Quidditch matches. “Wanted to see what the cool kids got up to this break?”

“I wouldn’t be hanging ‘round here, if I did,” She teases easily, making him break out into a grin. “Was told not to come home for break, not that I wanted to hang out with a whale, mind you.”

“A whale?” Peter asks from next to her and she nods, letting them soak in their confusion. 

“Butterbeers for Remus and Pete,” James interrupts, slamming two foaming mugs in front of the boys. He drags a chair with his left leg as he waves his wand around. “Elderflower Wine for Sirius,” He slides the delicate glass over to Sirius with a flick of his wrist, “And firewhiskey for the lady.”

Lily accepts the glass gratefully, taking a long sip, enjoying the soft burn in her throat. James sits down at the side of their table, taking a quick sip of his butterbeer, foam sticking to his lips like a little moustache. He licks it away quickly enough, shedding his cloak and robes and scarves and—dear Merlin, how many layers is he wearing? “What’re we talkin’ about?”

“A whale apparently.” Peter says, nudging Lily’s elbow. 

“Her sister’s boyfriend.” Remus explains, taking pity on their bewildered expressions.

“He’s horrible.” Lily frowns into her firewhiskey, thinking about the one dreadful encounter she’d had with Vernon, “I don’t understand what she sees in him.”

“What’s he like?” Peter asks eagerly, clearly surprised to hear Lily speaking so badly about anyone. She doesn’t even have it in her to feel guilty.

“The most mundane man I’ve ever met. And that would be alright but he’s unbelievably rude.” She explains, taking a big gulp of her firewhiskey. It sends a jolt down her spine, spurring her to elaborate. “All he does is complain about loud colors and funky music like he’s bloody ninety years old.”

“Colors?” Remus repeats slowly. 

“He said my _hair_ was too loud, the wanker.” She throws her hand up in the air scowling, remembering the way Petunia had shrugged as though it was a reasonable criticism. “And he doesn’t like the _Beatles_.” She shakes her head, then looks up, realizing her audience. “D’you lot know the Beatles?”

Remus gives her a pointed look, “My mum’s a Muggle, so yeah.”

Sirius looks as though he’s never been quite so insulted in his life. “My mum is definitely not, but I don’t live up my own arse, of course, I know the Beatles.” 

“Erm—I don’t,” Peter admits sheepishly.

James nods along with him seriously, “Suppose we live up our own arses, mate.” 

Lily’s lip twitches, “You’re missing out.” And then turns back to Sirius who seems to share in her indignation, “But honestly, imagine criticizing Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band!”

“Sergeant whose lonely what band?” Peter tries and fails to repeat. It’s mostly drowned out by Sirius slamming his delicate glass of wine on the table.

“How is your sister dating him? Is he that fit?” He asks.

Remus snorts into his butterbeer, “She called him a whale, Pads. I think it’s safe to say he isn’t fit.” 

“Is your sister mad, then?” Sirius demands.

Lily runs a hand through her hair, feeling a tad defensive of Petunia. “No. She just… likes ordinary things.” 

“So she’s boring.” James summarizes 

“Shut up, she’s not boring.” She snaps, kicking James under the table. He yelps, holding onto his shin and starts muttering about how she’s trying to steal his spot on the Quidditch team. She watches him amusedly for a moment before explaining, “She just has very little patience with magic, that’s why she asked me not to come home for break.

Sirius frowns, eyebrows pulling into a furrow. When he makes that face he looks just as aristocratic and disappointed as the rest of his cousins. That is, until he speaks: “What a bitch.” 

“Oh she’s not all bad!” Lily hurries to correct. What must she sound like complaining about her only sister? “She just… she’s telling Vernon—” Remus lets out a snort, spattering droplets of butterbeer on the table.

James makes a face, wiping at the drops with the sleeve of his sweater, as Remus gives her an insincere “—sorry!”

“She’s telling Vernon about magic.” Lily continues, ignoring Remus’ interruption, “They’re probably going to get married so she doesn’t want him to just walk in one day and see me turn a spoon into a bird or something.”

James shakes his head, squinting at Lily in disapproval, “That’s rubbish. You’re her sister, she shouldn’t be ashamed of you.”

Lily shrugs, she’s had this same conversation with Em and Marlene countless times so she knows what she’s going to say already. “Well, I mean, I suppose I understand where she’s come from. It’s rather strange to Muggles, if someone can do magic.” 

“She’s probably jealous.” Sirius makes a move as though he’s going to argue, but James continues hastily, “Not that, that’s an excuse, I’m just saying.”

Peter pats Lily’s arm sympathetically. “It’s horrible she told you to stay away during the holidays. Your parents were alright with it?”

“I told them Em, Marly and I had plans so they wouldn’t fret.” 

Remus smiles at her from across the table, looking a little dorky with a foam mustache, but still sincere. “I bet they miss you.” She returns the smile gratefully, gulping down her firewhiskey until there’s only a third left.

“Are you and your sister not close, then?” Sirius asks abruptly, eyes flicking to somewhere behind Lily and James.

“We used to be when we were children, but once I found out about Hogwarts… things changed.” She tries to keep the pain out of her voice. Ironic really, at home she’s hated because she can do magic and at Hogwarts she’s hated because she shouldn’t be able to do magic.

“How d’you deal with that?” Sirius asks, voice oddly… well, serious. “When something out of your control pulls you apart?”

Lily purses her lips together and tries to think. “Well, I dunno, really. I wish Tuney and I were still close, but if she doesn’t want that, I can’t force it.” She shrugs her shoulders, sipping her firewhiskey for something to do with her hands. “I still love her, so I’m kind to her whenever we’re together. I just let her know I’m there, in case she ever needs me.” 

“Even if you disagree on things? Important things?” Sirius presses, fingers clenching the table until his knuckles are white. 

“Even then.” Lily assures. 

Sirius looks at her as though she’s said something very wise. She’s about to ask, when she notices that his gaze is locked somewhere behind her. She turns quickly, looking past strands of her hair to catch sight of his little brother, Regulus. The boy is speaking quietly to his table of friends, which include Avery, Mulciber, and to her surprise, Severus. Severus is the only one of them who seems to have noticed the group of Gryffindors staring at them, because he openly glares back, focusing his attention on Lily. A flare of guilt erupts in her stomach that she tries to squash immediately; she’s allowed to be friends with whomever she pleases. 

She looks away from the table, but wishes there was something to block her view of the group. James moves his chair abruptly, as though he’s read her mind, his body completely covering Severus from her view. She gives him a tiny smile, and he winks at her.

Remus seems to sense the tension in the air, glancing at James’ movement and Sirius’ clenched jaw. He downs the third of butterbeer he has left, “Shall we bugger out of here?” 

No one disagrees. Lily and Peter finish the last of their drinks and start to collect their things. They have to wait a few minutes to watch as James tries to wrangle all his layers back on. As he does so, they argue back and forth about where to go. Eventually, they settle on Tomes and Scrolls’ as both Remus and James want to check out some of the newer books that have come out. 

Unfortunately, the exit of the Three Broomsticks is past the Slytherin table. Lily keeps her gaze focused on the door, hoping that neither Severus nor the boys she’s with feel the need to start a duel in the middle of the bar. They shuffle past them quickly enough, but Lily can feel a hole being burned into her back.

Peter throws the door open, kicking the snow in front of him childishly. Sirius pulls Remus outside and she watches in fascination as he and Remus engage in an odd form of wrestle-walking. She walks side by side with James, his usually longer strides slowed by his puffy layers. 

“Should I bother asking why you’re wearing so many layers?” 

James looks over at her, smirking mischievously as they walk down the snowy streets, “If you want me to take my clothes off, Evans, you need only ask.” 

A laugh bubbles out of Lily as she teases back, “Hm, that easy, are you?”

“Only for you.” He replies, quite obviously kidding, but it sends a redness to her cheeks nonetheless. “I get colds quite easily and last year I got—”

“—that nasty flu going ‘round, I remember.” She recalls, remembering Peter taking notes for James and him complaining loudly about Peter’s dreadful handwriting. 

“Erm, yeah exactly.” He says, ruffling his hair with gloved fingers, “I just don’t want to catch something and miss six Quidditch practices again.”

Lily smiles, watching the snow fall onto his head, wetting the strands of hair that fall onto his forehead. “It’s sweet. How you do Muggle things like wearing layers and punching people when you could easily whip your wand out.” 

James shrugs, wisely not commenting on the punching remark. “Mum always said you shouldn’t be too dependent on magic. It’s nicer sometimes, doing things yourself.”

Lily nods in agreement, surprised that pureblood wizards like James and his mother would’ve thought such a thing. They approach Tomes and Scrolls’, the letters of the sign freshly painted though it’s as old as 1768. They dust off their boots at the entrance, careful not to track footprints indoors. The shop is quaint and quiet, with a spiraling staircase descending down the center of the room. There are dozens of bookshelves lining the floorboards, an almost warmth emitting from them. Whether that is real magic or simply the magic of books, Lily does not know.

The old shopkeeper gives them a friendly wave from where he is sitting at the front desk. Remus whisks away to the back of the store, to Lily’s surprise, towards the poetry section. Sirius and Peter start to browse the aisles that contain spellbooks, she’s sure they’re looking at one filled with jinxes.

They linger in the bookshop for quite a while. It’s one of Lily’s favorite shops and she’s surprised to find it’s James’ as well. “I’m not all Zonko’s and Quidditch, Evans,” He reminds, tapping her nose with a copy of what she thinks is a romance novel about a vampire and a werewolf. 

“Maybe so,” She says dryly. Then she looks up at the section James has tugged her into and lets out a giggle at the ‘ROMANCE’ sign above their head. She glances around at the novel titles, things like The Charms of a Warlock and Selene Discovers the Dangers and Joys of Amortentia. “Tell me you don’t actually read this rubbish.”

Peter seems to overhear her because suddenly, he’s right next to her, a mischievous smile on his small face. “Trashy romance novels are James’ favorite pastime.”

“They’re not that bad!” James protests loudly, handing Lily a book. 

It seems that an opportunity to embarrass James is as effective as a Summoning Charm because before long Remus and Sirius are both crowding the romance aisle. “What about that one time you accidentally bought an erotic novel?” Sirius laughs, winking at Remus.

He nods at Sirius, snapping his fingers together as though he’s trying to remember, “About the Quidditch player and the—”

“Alright! Alright!” James yells, a Gryffindor blush high on his tan cheekbones. Lily lets out a laugh, as he covers his face, “I think we’ve had enough of this shop, don’t you think?”

Even the shopkeeper lets out a chuckle at the redness of James’ face. He fumbles up the coins while he’s ringing Lily up because he’s so amused. As they’re walking out, Lily inspects the novel that James had given her and finds it’s about two wizards who think that the other is a Muggle. Even as she joins in on the boys’ teasing, when their backs are turned she points at the book and gives him a thumbs up. Still pink in the face, he smiles genuinely at her, making her chest warm.

They descend out into the snow, laughter still bubbling out of all of them. “Sirius, don’t you still have to buy Marlene a christmas present?” Remus reminds. Lily furrows her brows together, looking at Sirius and then Remus rapidly. 

“We’ll come with you to Penelope’s, if you want.” Peter offers and Lily almost starts laughing at the suggestion. It was filled with Divination things like stones that ward off curses and charms that were supposed to ensure love.

“You’re barking if you think Marlene would want one of those things.” Sirius answers, looking as though he’d rather stick himself in a gutter than enter Penelope’s. 

“You’re buying Marlene a gift?” She asks, jogging to catch up with them, “What is going on with the two of you?”

“Nothing.” Sirius shrugs at her. She stares at him pointedly for a moment longer until he rolls his eyes. “She came round a lot to James’ over the summer, we got to talking and found that both our mums are raging cunts.”

Lily lets out a breath of amusement. Marlene often went off on long rants about how grateful she was that her father had remarried because her stepmother was an angel compared to her real mum. She had only met the woman once when she was twelve and though she hadn’t said the word “mudblood”, Lily was sure she was thinking it. 

“Least her parents are divorced, mate.” Peter points out.

Sirius hums and then says victoriously, “Least I don’t ever have to see my mum again.” 

She narrows her eyes at Sirius. “There’s really nothing going on?”

“Oh, don’t be so suspicious, Lily.” Peter scolds. 

“We’re _friends_ , Evans, believe or not. I’m not a lothario.” Sirius says rolling his eyes at her. The rumor mill said some really ridiculous things about Sirius; like the fact that he had once shagged two Veelas at once and that, last term, he had an affair with one of their professors. If anyone actually bothered to pay attention, they’d probably notice that Sirius had never had a proper girlfriend and only paid attention to women once in a blue moon. He was too preoccupied having the time of his life with his friends. 

“I know that, I was just wondering.” Lily says, waving her hand. She should probably tell Marlene to buy Sirius something. She smiles at him and says honestly, “I wouldn’t mind if you and Marly became a thing, you know.” 

At that Sirius let out a surprised bark of laughter. Remus nods at Lily as though he’s agreeing. “Honestly, I’m surprised too. You two flirt all the time.”

Sirius shrugs good-naturedly, “Flirting is good for your health.” Then he looks over at James with what could only be described as pity, “I’m not the love kind of guy. That’s dear Jamie’s forte.” 

“Oh ha-ha.” James says dryly.

“Not a bad thing to believe in true love, mate.” Sirius starts, nudging Remus and Peter.

“Just statistically unlikely.” Remus continues like it’s a practiced dance. She turns to look at James, who already has an exasperated smile on his face.

Peter picks up, “Prepare yourself to end up unhappily married—”

“—Growing old and boring—” Remus inputs.

“—having dry, unenthusiastic sex—” Sirius adds, winking at Lily. 

“—until you one day produce a child—”

“—And then stop having sex altogether!” Peter finishes with a dramatic bow. 

James looks unbelievably fond of his friends, Lily notices. “You lot are the worst!”

Sirius wraps an arm around James’ shoulder, pulling their heads together, “We just don’t want you to get your hopes up for a romantic, soulmate story, mate.”

“It’s kind of sweet.” Lily interrupts. They all turn to look at her and she explains sheepishly, “They’re just trying to get you down. I doubt you, of all people, would end up unhappy in life.” 

The boys start hooting obnoxiously at her answer, ruffling James in the head as though he’s won a grand prize. He dodges their swatting skillfully, mouthing a ‘thank you’ at Lily, a smile on his face so bright that Lily turns pink.  
/  
The walk back to the castle is much faster than their walk to the village. That probably has to do with the fact that Remus and Peter had opted to stay with Sirius as he tried to find something to buy Marlene for Christmas. Professors McGonagall, Slughorn and Flitwick are walking a few meters in front of them and a couple of other Ravenclaw students. Her and James walk together in silence. It’s more comfortable than she would’ve thought it would be, considering the last time they were alone together they’d gotten into a row.

She peeks at him from the corner of her eye to see him already looking over at her, with an expression of fondness. “I’m sorry about your sister.” He says finally and she blinks, startled by the conversation starter. “I don’t know too much about siblings, but I know it can’t be easy to fall out with them.” 

“Thanks, Potter.” She says genuinely and then remembering how very much alive she felt just being in the presence of James and his friends, “and you _do_ know about siblings. Got three brothers, don’t you?”

James smiles at her and she notices for the first time that when he’s not grinning or smirking or something equally ridiculous, a dimple appears on the left side of his lips. “I suppose I do.” He says and she does her best not to be too distracted by her new observation. “What’s life at home like, besides your sister, what’s her name—Tuney?”

She nods, “Short for Petunia.” 

“Petunia?” James says in an oddly strangled voice. She turns to see that he’s holding back a laugh, his expression pinched together like he’s constipated. “Please tell me your mum’s name is not a flower as well.” Lily nods solemnly and he lets out a delighted laugh, “Oh my god, which one?”

“Rose.” She tells him and when he goes to laugh again she says, “Shut up about it, isn’t your middle name Fleamont?”

“Touché, Evans.” He concedes though he still looks moments away from bursting into laughter. 

“My mum is great.” Lily says, opting to answer his initial question, “She’s always excited to hear about Hogwarts. She loves all the food I bring back, all the chocolates and things.” She glances up at James who is listening intently to her rambling as though she’s giving a very important lecture. “She’s a baker, so it’s a miracle I’m not a whale, myself.” 

He lets out a snort, breath misting in front of his lips like a little puff of smoke. His nose is pink from the cold. “And your dad?”

“He’s brilliant too.” She says, wistfully, wishing that she could’ve had a chance to see her parents this break. “Jokes around a lot so he’s loads of fun to have around. He can’t stand Vernon so he always makes ridiculous faces at me when he thinks Tuney isn’t looking.” She glances up at James, suddenly struck by a thought. “You remind me of him, to be honest.” 

“Wow Evans, you really know how to flatter a guy.” He says sarcastically, bumping their shoulders together, “I hope that means he’s devilishly handsome and sharp as a whip.”

“Oh, shut up.” She says, though her father is rather handsome. 

“Cute family though—”

“I forgot Mittens!” She bursts out suddenly, when she catches sight of Professor McGonagall.

“Mittens?” He repeats dumbly.

“He’s our cat. Or well, _was_ our cat.” Lily says somberly, joy fading quickly at the reminder, “He died early this summer, but he was the cutest, cleverest little thing.” Mittens had been an abandoned kitten she and Severus had found when they were ten. His father would’ve never let him keep the cat, but Lily’s parents were more than happy to take him in. Feeling herself ruining her good mood, she changes tracks, “You got any pets?”

“Who needs ‘em when you have Sirius?”

“I suppose,” She answers, still thinking of Mittens who was grey and white and had the brightest blue eyes, “But he’s not a _cat_.” 

“That’s for sure.” James mutters. He glances over at her, then stretches out his arm to tug at her elbow until they’re stopped. She looks at him expectantly. “Bet you I can hit Slughorn.”

Lily tilts her head at his blatant attempt to make her feel better. “Are you serious?”

James lets out another amused breath. “Rule number seven, Miss Evans, is that one must _never_ ask ‘are you serious’. We’re too immature not to make the joke.” He tells her in a solemn voice that almost sounds like Professor Binns. 

“You’re twelve.” 

But he doesn’t even respond, just bends down to scoop up some snow in his gloved fingers. He rolls it together in a snowball with practiced ease, patting it together. “C’mon give it a go. I’ll take the fall if they see you.” He thrusts the ball into her hands, “Ten points if you hit Slughorn, fifty if you hit Flitwick.”

Despite herself, Lily finds herself accepting without too much of a fight. She pulls him to the side, so they can duck behind some other students in an effort to hide their identities. She sees Slughorn, in his bright green robes, waddling away, gesturing wildly to Professor McGonagall. She twists her arm back, peacoat stretching with her movement and throws with all her might towards them. 

The snowball lands around fifteen meters to their left. “Bloody hell, your aim is bloody terrible!” James guffaws, bent over in a fit of unattractive sounding snorts.

“Shut up!” She says defensively, her cheeks warming, “I never said I was any good. Not everyone has chaser aim like you.” 

“Yeah, but that was completely rubbish.” He replies when he’s done wiping away tears from his eyes. He bends down to roll her another snowball and puts it into her hands. He sidesteps so he can stand behind her, pressing his chest into her back. His long arm traces her own, his gloved hand cupping the back of hers and pulling it back. “Arc your arm back like this—”

“Are you trying to put the moves on me?” Lily bursts out, feeling like she’s going to fall over from laughing.

“Trust me, if I was putting the moves on you, it would be far from subtle.” James snaps, though she can feel his body shaking in his own amusement.

“You call this subtle?”

“Shut up, d’you want to learn or not?” He asks her and she nods, doing her best to stifle her giggles because the Ravenclaws in front of them kept glancing back at them. He twists her arm around, definitely squinting through his smudgy specs, until he’s satisfied with the aim he’s brought her to. “Okay, now fire!”

She doesn’t think she’s ever laughed this much in one day. Though, she’d told Severus countless times he couldn’t tell her who to be friends with, it had seemed like betrayal to actively hang out with James and his friends when they had such a loathing relationship. It was hard to avoid boys who were both in your year and house, especially if they were so entertaining. She had tried her best to keep them at arm’s length. It seems she had been missing out.

Lily, who is still marvelling at how ridiculous this situation is, startles and hurtles the snowball with the full strength of her skinny, unpracticed arm.

“Oh my god.” James breathes, struck with awe, “A hundred points, a bloody million points, Evans.” He announces delightedly as Lily stands agape at the sight in front of her. Then he grabs a hold of her wrist and pulls her until they’re sprinting in the opposite direction of the castle, both of them laughing madly. 

She had hit the hat right off Professor McGonagall’s head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would very much appreciate if you left a comment (if you've gotten this far) !!!


	9. the right thing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James is suddenly reminded of the world he lives in and then has to figure out what role he has in it.

The few nights after the full moon, Remus is tired and hardly wants to eat anything, but he’ll always be up for some butterbeer. And James can hardly stand to see Remus moping about in their dorm so he offers to go fetch it from Hogsmeade using their secret passageway. It’s nothing he hasn’t done a hundred times before. 

It isn’t evening yet, so when he passes by the common room it’s still filled with occupants. He searches around for a redhead and spots her almost immediately. Lily is curled up in the armchair by the fireplace like a kitten, her feet tucked underneath her. “Someone looks comfy.” He greets, holding onto the side of the armchair.

She lifts her head up from the book she’s reading, dark curls falling just slightly past her shoulders now. She’s already smiling when she looks up and it makes his hand fly to his hair, messing up the back. “It’s your fault,” She says, shaking her head. Before he has a chance to ask why, she flips the book she’s holding towards him. He tilts his head at the title _A Needless Secret_ and lets out a laugh. “I haven’t been able to put it down.”

“You’re a bloody slow reader, Evans. We went to Hogsmeade before Christmas.” He tuts, shaking his head at her.

“I like to take my time,” She says defensively, holding the novel close to her as though she thinks he’s going to confiscate it. “Ooh, who tells who? Does Elizabeth tell Roy she’s a witch or does he tell her he’s a wizard?”

“Ah, ah, ah,” He taps her nose, liking the way she wrinkles it under his touch, “I can’t spoil the ending for you, can I?”

“Ugh,” She groans, sagging against the cushions, pouting, “But I want to know.”

“Merlin,” He lets out a breath of amusement, “You sound like my mum. She was always impatient with books too.” His voice doesn’t even waver when he says it.

Lily shrugs her shoulders, “What can I say? It’s insatiable curiosity.” Then she glances at the coats he’s got on, green eyes scrolling down his body. He’d hope that she was checking him out, but knows her well enough to know she’s probably laughing about how many layers he has on again. “Going somewhere, penguin?”

“Ha-ha,” He says dryly, then flicks his thumb towards the boys’ dormitory, “Just picking up some butterbeer for my dear friends.”

“But you’re not allowed to go to Hogsmeade right now.”

“Oh right!” He exclaims dramatically, putting his hand on his chin and tapping it, “If I’m not _allowed_ , I guess all my plans are ruined.”

“Shut up,” She snaps without any real heat, “I just meant, how’re you going then?”

“A marauder never tells.” He says, winking at her.

Lily shakes her head at him, her lips twitching at him in a way that shouldn’t be endearing but is. “You lot think you’re cool, don’t you, calling yourselves the marauders?”

“I take offense to that, we are very cool.” He says, holding his chest in mock offense. 

“Yeah alright, Mr Erotica,” Lily says pointedly, poking him in the ribs.

“SH!” He says, rather loudly, shaking his head at Lily so whoever is looking at them thinks she’s said something horrible. She rolls her eyes at his antics and he leans down to tell her, “Merlin, Evans. One break with you and my reputation will never recover.”

“Oh dear, how ever will you manage?” She says, fluttering her long lashes at him. Then she waves her book towards the portrait hole, a tiny smile gracing her lips, “Run along then, I’ll turn a blind eye.”

“Have I mentioned how grateful I am that Gryffindor house has such fine prefects?” He calls, standing up from where he was leaning against her armchair.

“Get out before I kick you out, Potter.” Lily laughs, turning her gaze away from him and back to the book in her lap.

And so, James is in a very good mood as he ventures down to the one-eyed witch’s passageway. He’s humming to himself, twirling his wand between his fingers and wondering what Lily will think about the end of the book. The cavernous path seems much shorter than usual when he’s so lost in his thoughts. He enters Honeydukes’ cellar quietly, careful not to alert any of the employees to his presence. 

It seems he shouldn’t have bothered because the store seems deserted. Odd, considering it’s only around five and the village has enough inhabitants without the gaggle of Hogwarts students that visit on weekends. He creeps out of the colorful shop, resisting the urge to take any Sugar Quills on his way. January has brought some harsher weather, so he pulls his cloak around him tighter when he pushes the door open.

It’s frigid outside, but the strange part is that it’s so quiet. As he walks past some of the stores, he notices so many of them are abandoned and how there’s a distinct feeling of wrongness in the air. He jogs a little faster, maybe Rosmerta will know what’s going on. Only, when he takes a few steps further past the post office, he notices a crowd has gathered. He stops, it’s in the opposite direction of the Three Broomsticks, so he really shouldn’t. But he’s a marauder through and through, so he finds himself, turning and jogging in the opposite direction. He almost calls out to someone in the crowd to ask what all the whispering is about. 

But then, a cold feeling settles in James’ chest, like the January air has slipped through his layers and his flesh right to his heart. As he approaches, he realizes that those aren’t just whispers, those are people crying. Shakily, he turns his gaze upwards and feels the bottom of his stomach drop out. 

The dark mark is floating in the air above a house in the village. 

Without stopping to think about what is wise, he sprints towards the crowd, “Whose house is that?” He yells, “Has someone contacted the Ministry?” An older woman shakes her head at him, her hand covering her mouth, her wet eyes wide with horror. “Has someone gone inside to check?” Again she shakes her head.

And then James does something foolish; he runs into the house. He knows if his mother were alive, she’d be screaming herself hoarse at his recklessness. But he can’t help it; what if whoever lives there is still alive? It’s a naive thing to think, he knows, but what if they are and no one’s gone to help them?

He grips his wand tightly in his right hand, pushing the front door open with the full weight of his body. There’s sweat dripping down his spine as he steps into the foyer. No one in the crowd moves to follow him, too horrified with the sight to move, but he wishes someone had. He wishes he had his friends with him. 

The house is small, the floorboards creaking under his every step. There are pictures of a young girl in the hallway leading up to the kitchen. His heart slams against his ribcage noiselessly, he recognizes the girl. Her name is Irina Rivers; she was a Ravenclaw who graduated two years ago. She was a Muggle-born. 

James’ wand arm shakes, a feeling of dread rising in his stomach, churning his fears together. He takes small steps until he arrives in the kitchen, his entire body seizing up at the horror he’s discovered in front of him.

Irina is laying on the floor. She’s wearing a set of blue robes, the sleeves embroidered with delicate daisies. There’s a plaid apron tied around her waist like she’d just been about to bake. Her legs are bent towards the coffee table like she had tried to lunge for the wand resting there. Her arm is bleeding profusely, what looks like a knife wound soaking into a horrid pink rug underneath her. But the most terrifying thing is the look on her face.

Her grey eyes are blown wide, a near petrified expression on her features. Her lips are pulled wide, like she had been screaming. There are still wet tears dripping from her eyelashes, falling into her blonde hair. Her hand is almost pointing towards the kitchen and James musters up the nerve he needs to turn around and look at the sight there. 

He gags immediately, bile rising up in his throat like fire. The word “MUDBLOOD” is written across weathered kitchen cabinets. The handwriting is so careful, like it was filling out an OWL examination, like it needed to be legible, like it needed to look beautiful. It’s written in something dark, something sticky that drips down the cabinets and onto the granite countertops. When he steps closer he sees that it’s a deep red. His mind flashes back to Irina and the wound in her arm.

James’ stomach lurches violently and he twists over her kitchen sink as vomit rises up his throat and out of his mouth.  
/  
“Potter,” Alastor Moody says gruffly, limping over to where James is sitting in the snow. “It’s a good thing you knew how to floo the Auror’s department.” James nods numbly, his arse wet through his underpants, trousers soaking up the snow on the ground, holding onto his wand tightly with two hands. “Now, did you see anyone else inside the house?”

“No sir,” James manages, eyes still staring at the floor. He can still see Irina’s face, blown out in terror right here in the snow. The dark mark is slowly dissipating; Moody’s two trainees casting spell after spell to rid the sky of the monstrosity. 

“Are you absolutely sure?” He demands, leaning down slightly. The force of his voice overwhelms the numbness James is feeling and he looks up at Moody, his dark eyes swirling with intelligence.

“Yes sir.” James tells him. Moody looks contemplative, eyes darting around the village like he’s looking for suspects. 

“Did you hear anyone cast a spell?” He questions, voice hard and James swallows down the panic he feels and forces his hands to stop shaking. 

“No,” He says and Moody almost growls. James wracks his brains, but there truly wasn’t anything helpful he saw. “The house was empty when I got inside aside from Irina. I didn’t hear anyone or see anything. Whoever it was must’ve left before I got there.” 

“Moody,” A voice calls and James turns his head slightly to see Frank Longbottom who was Head Boy when James was twelve. “We’ve just finished questioning that crowd that was gathered here. It seems they heard a Disapparation just moments before James entered the house.”

His girlfriend, Alice, is by his side, nodding at his words. “They said they didn’t see anyone cast the dark mark, nor did they hear it.” Alice turns to James and says softly, “It was very brave of you to run in there all by yourself.”

James nods his head, though he doesn’t feel very brave at all. All he did was storm into a house where the victim was already dead and the culprit had already fled and then thrown up at the scene. There’s a sudden onslaught of footsteps and James has drawn his wand, rising to his feet to face whoever it is. His hand still shakes, but his mind is clear. 

But it is only Professor McGonagall, Moody must have contacted someone at Hogwarts when James had called him. He lowers his wand arm, unbelievably relieved at the sight of her. She is white as a sheet when she comes barreling towards him. Her hands are shaking and any thought of her coming to scold him vanishes when she rubs his shoulder. “He is underage, Alastor,” She says sharply turning to Moody, “How long are you going to keep him here?”

“It’s alright, Professor,” James tells her, staring at his hands. “If they need me, I’ll stay.”

“It’s not necessary.” Frank says immediately, apologizing to McGonagall. He turns to James, something like respect floating in his eyes, “I’m sorry you had to see that. Not a lot of people would’ve gone inside a house with a dark mark above it. Thank you for calling us.” 

Alice continues, reaching out to press a hand on James’ shoulder like she’s apologizing for what he’s seen. “If we need anything more, we’ll contact the castle directly. Take care, James.” She smiles sadly at him and James has to force himself to return it.

McGonagall nods, thanking the two of them for their help and then tells James to wait exactly where he is while she talks to Moody. James takes deep, ragged breaths as he waits for her, trying hard to make his hands stop shaking. His mouth still tastes like vomit despite the cup of water Moody had thrusted at him.

After around ten minutes, McGonagall arrives at his side, pressing a gentle hand to his elbow. She doesn’t even bother asking how he got out of the castle, only walks with him, her calm demeanor helping keep his panicked thoughts at bay. 

“Professor?” He bursts out once he can’t bear the silence any longer, “We can’t ignore this anymore, can we?”

McGonagall sighs almost imperceptibly, “No, I’m afraid not.” She turns to face him, a bitter smile rising to her thin lips. “I had been hoping that Hogwarts would remain a safe place, that the horrors of the world would not touch you as long as these walls surrounded you.” 

“I’m scared,” James admits shamefully, finally voicing what his shaking hands have been telling him, “I have friends… friends who could lose everything in this war. What do I do? What _can_ I do?” He asks helplessly, feeling more and more like a child despite the fact that he is nearly of age.

“In an ideal world, you could stay young and foolish for a little while longer. But these are dark times and even Hogwarts is no longer a safe haven.” She tells him, voice solid despite the watery nature of her green eyes. “The things you do matter, Mr Potter, it is time you start acting like they do.” James sucks in a breath, back automatically straightening under her words. “It is rare to find someone with a moral fiber as resilient as yours, you should put it to good use.” 

“So you’re saying I should—”

“Don’t take my words as an invitation to run into the front lines.” She interrupts, reading his mind. She’s gotten to know him exceedingly well, it seems, after all those hours he’s spent in detention. He’s glad she isn’t telling him to do nothing, to wait for others to make a change. “All I ask is that you examine what you think is right and then act on it.”  
/  
He steps through the common room quietly, mind already made up on what he has to do. The sun has long since set, which is lucky because that means the room is mostly empty. Sirius, Remus and Peter are still waiting by the fireplace. Sirius is glaring at Peter who is pacing around, hands wringing together in worry. Remus is staring at the map in his lap, kicking Sirius once he seems to find the name he’s looking for. 

They all turn simultaneously to look at James, falling over one another on their way to him. “What the hell happened?” Sirius demands, placing both hands on James’ shoulders.

“You were gone for so long.” Peter says to his left, his voice watery and worried.

“We saw you walking back with McGonagall and figured you’d gotten caught.” Remus tells him quietly, but then takes a long look at James’ expression. Concern is etched in all of their eyes and if James were a weaker man he’d feel scrutinized under their gaze. But he feels a little braver. “What happened?”

“I’ll tell you in a few.” James breathes, sagging under Sirius’ hands. “I need the map. I’ve got to find her.”

Remus thrusts the map into his hands, as Peter tells him, “Lily is up in the dorm—”

“No,” James breathes, still dazed. He opens the map, eyes scrolling over Gryffindor tower. It’s late enough that it’s crowded with students, but it doesn’t have the one name he’s searching for. “That’s not who I’m looking for.” His eyes scroll over, falling towards the astronomy tower, the Hufflepuff common room until finally landing on it in the library. “Found it.”

“Mary MacDonald?” Remus asks incredulously. “Why on earth are you looking for her?”

But James is already thrusting the map back into their hands, turning around in his haste to leave. 

“Hey, hey, hey,” Sirius calls, grabbing James’ shoulder once more, “You come here looking like death and you want to leave without telling us what’s going on?”

“Tell us what happened, mate.” Peter insists and James’ resolve almost crumbles under his apprehensive eyes. 

“I will, I promise,” James swears, “I just, I have to do something first. Just trust me.” He gives a final look at their bewildered stares before hurtling through the portrait hole again. He’s sprinting towards the library, if he runs fast enough he’ll make it before curfew. 

He runs into several people on his way, having to shout his apologies from a few meters away. He rushes into the library, just as Madame Pince is getting ready to kick people out. “Two minutes!” He pants at her disapproving stare. 

He searches around for the tiny brunette and finally finds her sitting at a corner table with Reginald Cattermole. He strides over to them, plucking up the Gryffindor courage he needs to say what he’s planned. 

“James?” She asks, eyes widening in surprise. “Are you alright? The school’s been talking about what’s happened, there are some really wild rumors. Sirius and—”

“I was looking for you.” He tells her and he’s pretty sure Cattermole puffs up his chest at that. 

“For me?” Mary repeats bewildered, tilting her head at James. He must look like a sight; out of breath and panicked, sweat dripping down his face in a thin sheen.

“Could we talk?” He asks, glancing over at her boyfriend, “Er—alone?”

“Reg,” She says quietly, clearly startled by James’ urgency. “Could you give us a minute?”

“Sorry, mate,” He mumbles to the guy as he shoulders past James with a suspicious look in his eye. Mary pats the chair next to her and he collapses into it gratefully, staring at the Herbology notes in front of him. 

“What’s the matter?” She asks. “People have been saying there’s been a fight or an accident in Hogsmeade. Was that you?”

“No!” He says vehemently, and she startles at his volume. He swallows, makes a conscious effort to try and sound calm. “I—I wanted to tell you—er—maybe this wasn’t the best idea to be honest.” 

Now that he’s sitting in front of her in the warmth and safety of the Hogwarts walls, he feels ridiculous about his intentions. 

“What is it?” She presses, twisting in her chair to face him. She’s so tiny, even shorter than Lily and Emmeline. But there’s something in the hard set of her eyes and the scar that just barely peeks out from her collar that spurs James forward. 

“Last year, when you got, well, attacked—I—I wanted to say something,” He manages to strangle out. Instantly, Mary’s hand close into fists, but she still looks at him encouragingly. “But I didn’t know what. I know we aren’t super close.” He groans at his incompetence. He has to do it, he has to say it. If he doesn’t, who will? “There’s been an attack in the village. There was a dark mark over someone’s house. The girl was a—”

“—Muggle born?” Mary finishes and he hates how bloody resigned she looks like she’d been expecting it. 

“Irina Rivers, if you remember her. She graduated when we were fourth years.” Mary nods and James tries to remember what it felt like to have courage. It’s so easy to be brave when you have to run into the forest and pull away your worst enemy from a werewolf. But here, now, looking at this girl who has come to terms with the horrible truths her life, it is so hard to tell her the truth. 

“They killed her. They wrote the— _the_ word on the walls of her house with her own blood. They murdered her because of what she was.”

James remembers that though there had been no permanent damage to Mary from the incident last year, it had taken months before she had stopped jumping at the slightest of sounds. To this day, no one knows exactly what Mulciber had done, only that Mary has been much quieter since. Quieter, but no less of a Gryffindor. She had still spit back at those who cornered her, still whipped out her wand no matter how hard her hands shook. She deserves to hear the truth. His mother would have insisted that hiding the horrors of the world did not mean they didn’t happen. 

“I’m not saying this to scare you. You’re stronger than you look, MacDonald and I’m sure you can take care of yourself. I don’t know what story the Ministry is going to put out or what the professors are going to tell us, but I wanted you to know the truth. You deserved to hear it considering you were the very first person in Hogwarts to have been attacked like that.” James takes a ragged breath and tries to smile at Mary. 

His mother used to tell him that he had a smile that could calm down an angry dragon. He tries to channel it. “I just wanted to say… if you ever feel unsafe, if you ever need someone to jinx one of those fuckers, I’ve got your back.” 

Mary stretches out a hand and puts it over James’ tanned one. She returns his smile weakly though her face has gone white and her fingers are shaking over his. “Thank you for telling me. I can’t tell you the number of professors who’ve started treating me delicately since what happened. I’m sure they wouldn’t want a scary story like that reaching me.” She takes a deep breath and tells him, “But you’re right. I’d rather know about the injustices that are going on towards people like me.” 

“I’m sorry stuff like that is going on.” James offers feebly.

“It’s not your fault,” She shrugs, taking her hand away to gesture at Cattermole to come back from wherever he’s gone to give them privacy. “I’ll let you know if I ever need an extra wand.”  
/  
Hardly a week has passed and James has grown irritable, for the first time in his life, at the sheer amount of attention he is getting. It’s not as though the people that come up to him are incensed by the act of terror he witnessed. No, they just want to hear what it was like to see a dead body or talk to a real life Auror. He had been right; the Ministry had declared the attack as a tragic accident, not wanting to cause mass hysteria or panic. The school had to relay a message, apologizing for the loss of Irina, giving them the opportunity to mourn, though Dumbledore seemed it necessary to point out that it was most definitely not an accident. That was all though. No one said anything about the nasty word written on Irina’s cabinets. 

Sirius, Peter and Remus had all sat around quietly in their dorm, listening to James’ narration of what had truly happened. James hadn’t cried, though he’d wanted to. They’d sat in silence, none of them having the right words to make him feel better. It was odd; their dormitory had only been silent on a few rare occasions and it made James feel claustrophobic. 

Even now, a few nights later, though the noise has resumed, the trapped feeling remains. “Sirius,” he whispers, through the curtains of his four poster, “Pads, are you awake?” He hears no answer and groans to himself, wrenching his wrist up to read the time. It’s just past midnight and he still can’t fall asleep. Every time he closes his eyes all he sees is Irina Rivers’ terrified face. 

His curtains fly open and he turns to see Sirius, holding out the map towards him. He’s wearing the jacket James’ dad found him from a Muggle consignment and an expectant grin. He looks wide awake, as though he’d been waiting for James to call for him. “Shall we?”

He beams, sliding out of bed and into his sneakers in one smooth motion. He doesn’t bother getting the cloak and Sirius doesn’t tell him to either. He does toss him a sweater from his trunk though and James wrangles it over his head, definitely stretching out the fabric. They’re careful with avoiding the creakier parts of the floorboards, not wanting to wake Remus and Peter from their slumber. It’s not often that the two of them venture out without their friends, but times like this when his mind is racing faster than his broomstick, Sirius is the only person who can make it slow down. 

They snake down the Gryffindor tower steps, ignoring the Fat Lady’s tutting, they’re used to it by now. Sirius keeps one keen eye on the map, his wand illuminating his pale face. James keeps his gaze locked forward, letting Sirius guide them. They make their way down to the ground floor, into the long corridor that stretches out the way to the Quidditch field. 

They descend into the open night, January air brutal against their skin. He can see the goal posts, even from down here, and starts to feel calmer at the sight. James is thankful for the sweater and even more thankful that Sirius always seems to know exactly what he needs. Once they reach the stadium, they glance at the stairs stretching high to the skies and then at one another. Sirius’ mouth twists into a wolfish grin, “Five Sickles, I can beat you to the top.”

James doesn’t even answer, just starts sprinting up the stairs, two at a time to Sirius’ protests of his cheating. With every step, he sees flashes of Irina’s house; the horror in her grey eyes, the wound on her arm, the blood dripping from her kitchen cabinets. He and Sirius reach the top of the stands simultaneously, both panting, but he doesn’t think his breathlessness is from the exercise. 

Sirius lets out a huff, turning so that he can collapse on the bench facing the opposite way of the stadium. James joins him, dangling his legs into the open air, turning his gaze up towards the castle. There are only a few windows still illuminated, most of the castle fast asleep. He wonders how anyone can sleep, can even stand to stay still nowadays. 

“What’s been on your mind, mate?” Sirius asks finally, wrestling a pack of Muggle cigarettes out of his pocket. He still loves his little rebellions, even though he’s not living with his family anymore. “Not that I don’t enjoy you shutting up every once in a while, but this has been going on for a bit. I thought being strong and silent was Moony’s thing.”

“I don’t—I don’t even know what’s bothering me.” He admits, running a hand over his face, pinching the bridge of his nose. 

“It’s the Rivers’ thing isn’t it.” Sirius says simply, tapping his wand to light a cigarette. “How no one seems to care.” He doesn’t ask, he already seems to know.

He groans angrily, reaching out to take the cigarette from Sirius’ fingers and pulling a long drag from it. He coughs out the smoke, his eyes stinging. “How can we live with ourselves? Just playing Quidditch and sneaking into Hogsmeade like there isn’t a war going on outside these walls?” He looks over at Sirius, who is already mirroring James’ indignation, nodding along to his words. “Mary got attacked last year and now, Irina Rivers is dead. Who knows who’ll be next?” 

Lily’s face flashes in his mind. Remus’ mother. Rory Spinnet from the Quidditch team. Two third years he tutors in Transfiguration; Nina Kapoor and Edward Toomes. He clenches his fists, black resentment at the world bubbling in his stomach. 

“We talk about going to fight all the time.” He fumes, “About becoming Aurors, but Moody and them didn’t get there in time. I don’t know what the bloody Ministry is getting up to but clearly they’re not fighting Voldemort hard enough if girls are dropping dead.” The cigarette in his hand is crumpled under his fingers, burning his skin. He drops it, watching it float down the stands in fascination.

“It boils my blood too.” Sirius spits, pulling another cigarette out, but this time putting it between his own lips. “He’s out there collecting Death Eaters like it’s nobody’s business and the Ministry can’t do shit to stop it.” 

James swallows roughly, “What if becoming Aurors isn’t good enough?”

Sirius shrugs, turning to face James with a smirk around the cigarette, “Then what? We just go off on our own like vigilantes?”

James stares at his hands, at all the callouses from Quidditch. The bruises from hitting Snape have long since faded, but he thinks about how satisfied it had made him feel. He presses his knuckles, trying to remember the sting under his skin because he hadn’t wanted to ice it. He tries to imagine it now, his fist curled tight, muscles tensed like he’s going to throw a Quaffle, but colliding with Snape’s hooked nose instead. The satisfaction doesn’t come. “McGonagall told me that I should act on what I think is right, but I don’t know what that is anymore.”

Sirius offers James the cigarette, he takes it gratefully between his own fingers. “Well, if you want help in cursing all of Slytherin house, you don’t even have to ask, mate.”

“How fucked up is it, that I don’t even want to do that anymore?” James says, taking an amused breath around the cigarette.

“It’s a brave new world.” Sirius declares, and then turns to face James, grey eyes calm under the waning moon. “Mary told me about what you did. About telling her what really happened in Hogsmeade and offering your gentlemanly services, should she ever need it.”

“Blabbermouth.” 

“What I’m _trying_ to say, you prat,” Sirius rolls his eyes, sliding closer to James so he can ruffle his hair, “is that I think you already know what’s right.” He pauses and James can see the exact moment he makes his mind up, has always been able to tell in the subtle unclenching of his shoulders. “I think your mum taught it to you.” 

James sucks in a breath. Sirius has always had a funny way of reading his mind. Peter has accused them, more than once, of practicing Occlumency with one another. But this is something deeper, something more reliable. “You think so?”

“Yeah, Prongs, don’t let it go to your head.” Sirius smiles, hand gentle on his head before pulling it away to snatch the cigarette from James’ lips. 

They sit there for a little while longer, James’ heart a little lighter when he’s sitting next to Sirius. There are so many people that could be burnt in this war. So many people already have been. He looks at Sirius out of the corner of his eye; Sirius, who ran away from home because he dared to think differently than his family. 

“I talked to Regulus a few days ago.” Sirius admits as though he knows where James’ train of thought is headed.

“What?” He says, startled, “I thought he’s been ignoring you since term started.”

That had been a shock. Sirius had tried to write several letters to Regulus throughout the summer, but they’d all been ignored. Remus had suggested that perhaps his parents were intercepting the owls, not letting his brother answer and they had all dubiously agreed. When Sirius had come back to Hogwarts, he had strut up to his little brother and cracked a joke about how the house-elf had one less bedroom to clean. But Regulus hadn’t laughed. He hadn’t even blinked. He had turned around and resolutely refused to speak to Sirius since. 

“He has been, but I saw Snivellus and the lot of them laughing about what happened to Rivers and Reg was sitting with them.” 

“He was laughing too?” James asks surprised. Regulus may be a Slytherin, but he’s only fourteen and he had never shown the capacity for such callousness.

“Well no,” Sirius admits, taking an angry drag of the cigarette, “but give it a few years.”

James waits, letting Sirius take all the ragged breaths he needs to muster up the courage to tell him what happened. Or perhaps he's swallowing down his shame. “I confronted him, telling him he was being thick and that he was letting them get their greasy claws into him. And he told me that I wasn’t allowed to lecture him, that I’d lost the right once I got blasted off the family tree.”

James sucks in a breath. Sirius has always had a very complicated relationship with his family. The black sheep of the Black Family, everyone called him. But a family, it still was. He’s told James himself, that he remembers Bellatrix giving him horrendous advice, Narcissa kissing his cheek. Not only remembers, but thinks fondly of it. And yet, despite it all, despite years of childhood memories and blood ties, he had torn away from the path that was set out for him.

It’s still the bravest thing James has ever seen. 

“He’s actually listening to those twats, Prongs, believing the shit they say.” Sirius confides, the little tremor in his voice reminding James of what Sirius had given up in order to stay true to himself. “If this keeps going on, he’s going to follow them all the way to Voldemort, himself.” 

“Sirius,” James starts, pulling the cigarette from his friend’s teeth, “You’ve told him more times than I can count that the pureblood agenda is bullshit.” He puts a hand to Sirius’ shoulder, squeezing it tightly, “He doesn’t go ‘round dropping the m-word at people. He hasn’t gotten into the Dark Arts. You said it yourself, he wasn’t laughing at the Rivers news. That’s all your doing.” He gives him a sad smile, “But now that he’s getting older, he can’t just blindly listen to whatever you tell him. Regulus has to decide for himself what he thinks is right. He’s not nasty or hateful like the rest of them. He’ll come ‘round.”

“But what if he doesn’t?” Sirius voices, “What if me leaving home pushed him off the edge and now he’s going to—”

“What? Become a Death Eater just to spite you?” James asks in wry disbelief.

“Maybe.” Sirius’ voice is full of shame when he says: “I left him to rot in that fucking house, James. I’m a horrible brother.”

 _Got three brothers, haven’t you?_ Lily’s voice suddenly rings in his head.

“No, you’re not.” He says fiercely, squeezing Sirius’ shoulder so hard it must hurt. “You’re a bloody brilliant brother and if Regulus won’t tell you that, I will.” Sirius looks at him uncertainly and James presses on, “You’ve always tried to steer Reg into staying away from those guys, but you can’t be with him all the time. He loves you and he’s going to remember you when he’s got to decide between what’s right and what’s wrong.”

Sirius stares at him for a second and then pulls James towards him in the tightest hug he’s ever received. _You already know what’s right_ , Sirius had said. He smiles into Sirius’ ear and squeezes his friend as hard as he can. And just then, if James listens carefully, he can hear their hearts beating in the same, racing rhythm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I found writing Sirius EXTREMELY difficult. I find teen-Sirius such a compelling character but I also am the first to admit that he's so complex that it's hard to get him right. I wanted him to comfort James, but I know that he's also a volatile and reckless person himself. It would've felt dishonest to have Sirius say some preachy BS, so I went with this instead. I hope I did him justice!
> 
> Up next: James and Lily get to hang out again and in the midst of all that laughter, they just might learn a thing or two about each other.


	10. tired, but not of you (never of you)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Maybe Lily Evans has firewhiskey in her bones and steel in her voice, but he thinks there’s something softer in her heart; something a little bit like the flower she’s named after._
> 
> In which, Marlene loves interrupting and James and Lily are allowed to be soft.

James Potter is not glum. Whatever Sirius and Peter may be declaring loudly to the corridors (in one case singing about how his youth was dead), he is not glum. If he must be anything other than perfectly content, he would say that he is… solemn. It’s not easy to rid his mind of what he saw in Hogsmeade, even if a fortnight has passed. A rather delightful fortnight if he’s being honest, in which Lily Evans took it upon herself to spend time with him outside of their required Potions partnership. 

They’ve taken to studying, well if it can even be called studying when they’re just dramatically reading their essays back and forth to one another, in the courtyard under the willow trees (not the Whomping one). The third time a first year comes up to Lily to ask her a question about Charms, he finds out that she offers help to younger students whenever she sees them struggling in the library. When he tells her he hadn’t known she did that, she purses her lips together and says they didn’t know an awful lot about one another. He shrugs and tells her to ask him anything she wants and has to valiantly fight his hand from jumping to his hair when she beams. 

She asks him a wide assortment of questions, ranging from “What’s your favorite color?” (Red, come on, Evans, I’m a _Gryffindor_ ) to “What’s your favorite spell?” (Anaticula; it makes ducks come out of your opponent’s wand. The _look_ on Avery’s face was totally worth the stinging jinx) and all the way to “Why do you want to be an Auror?” (I want to make a difference and I’m not the idle type). When it’s his turn to ask her questions, he avoids the one question he’s always wanted to know the answer to; what did you ever see in Snape? Instead he veers to safer questions; “D’you prefer Charms or Potions?” (Charms, but don’t tell Slughorn I said that), and “Would you ever consider getting on a broomstick again after all your mishaps?” (Never again, what do you take me for, a masochist?) and “What’s the funniest thing you’ve ever seen?” (You, no honestly, when we were in second year and Remus charmed your hair to look like Severus’, I think I cried). 

It’s strange how you can know someone for five years and think you have them figured out, but then they drop a bomb on you like they’re a night person, when all this time you’ve imagined them to be a morning person. And all of a sudden, you’re thrown off kilter. It’s strange, James thinks, but somehow pleasant. He spent the first two years of his school life thinking Lily was a twit for hanging out with Snape and then the next two thrown between admiration and exasperation for the ridiculous things she said to Slughorn. And then they’d come back for school for their fifth year, he’d seen Lily on the train and abruptly realized how pretty she was when she hexed Muciber. 

Though over the years, he’d gotten the grasp of who Lily Evans is and managed to make a complete fool of himself in front of her, he never knew the ridiculous little things about her. Funny, how even knowing how much she hates Sugar Quills can’t make him want to stop finding out more things.

One of the things, it turns out, is that her birthday is coming up at the end of January. He’s sure over the last few years he’s offered his wishes to her, but that was before… this. This strange almost friendship they’ve achieved. And so, on the days leading up to Lily’s birthday, he debates back and forth between buying her a present, he isn’t sure if they have quite moved past the acquaintances stage just yet. In the end, after loud groans and horrible advice from his friends, he settles on giving her something small because he can’t very well just give her nothing.

“Hey, Evans!” James calls out to her from where she’s walking with Mary and Emmeline. She turns, red hair flowing as she motions for them to go without her. “Can I perhaps make you late to Astronomy?”

“It better be for a good reason,” She says, tapping the Prefect badge on her chest pointedly. James gives her his word and pulls her into a slightly less crowded corridor; if she’s going to laugh at him, he’d rather she do it in private.

“I just wanted to wish you a happy birthday.” He tells her sheepishly, patting his robe pockets to make sure her gift is still there. 

“You already did this morning,” She says wryly, leaning back against the stone wall, fingers playing with the strap of her bag. “I don’t think I’ll ever forget you four charming the banners to read: three cheers for the redhead!”

James lets a nervous laugh slip through. “C’mon, you’re saying you didn’t want Dumbledore to notice and then make the entire Great Hall sing happy birthday to you?”

“Now why wouldn’t I want that?” She asks sarcastically, reaching out to poke him in the stomach. He dodges swiftly and then stares at her for a moment, his hands suddenly clammy. She must notice how nervous he is because she doesn’t even tease him about it, just waits for him to continue speaking.

“Er—right, I just, well I wanted to give you something.” He says, reaching a hand into the pocket of his robes to pull out the gift with its badly tied bow. Here in the hallway with light streaming in from the high windows, it looks much lamer than it did in his dormitory. 

For a moment, Lily just stares at his hand, green eyes unflinching and he’s preparing himself for a laugh. He tenses his jaw, eyes flickering over the corridor, when she reaches her own hands out and takes the present gingerly between her own fingers. 

“Is this… a whale?” She says and he chances a look over at her. There’s something brimming underneath the calm face she has on right now, but he doesn’t think it’s a laugh. 

It is, indeed, a whale. He’d written to his father, with very specific instructions, to see if he could find a stuffed whale anywhere. Last night, their family owl, Zeus, had turned up in the dorm with six different whale stuffed animals. Peter had almost wet himself from laughter at the sight. But nonetheless, James had chosen the cutest and smallest one (though it was still adorably fat); it was about the size of his palm with a baby blue back and a white underbelly. It was soft to the touch and had a smile on his face. 

And then, once Sirius had stopped snorting at James’ idea, he had asked him for help in charming the thing. It had taken hours, not because they were bad at charms or that it was particularly difficult, but mainly because none of them could take James charming a stuffed whale to sing very seriously. Even Remus, whose gramophone they were using, had to break into a fit of manly giggles every time James tapped his wand to the thing.

But, James had suffered it and was rather satisfied with the results. Now, if you tapped the whale at its head, it would erupt into the voices of the Beatles (James had to give to them, they sounded rather good). 

“It is.” He says, unable to stop his hand from pushing at his hair. “If you tap its head with your wand, it’ll sing.”

Lily’s hand dashes lightning quick to her bag, pulling out her wand and tapping the head of the whale excitedly. Immediately, the whale almost perks up and lets out the melodious voices he had spent last night listening to. _What would you think if I sang out of tune? Would you stand up and walk out on me? Lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song and I’ll try not to sing out of key. Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends._

James is sure he’s turning an alarming shade of red right now because Lily isn’t saying a word to him, except he’s pretty sure she’s started to hum underneath her breath. “There,” He says finally, unable to stand the silence, “A whale that not only appreciates your music, but provides you with it as well.”

Had it been inappropriate to give Lily a gift that would remind her of her sister and her horrible boyfriend? In hindsight, this may not have been the smartest of James’ plans. Lily looks up from the whale in her hands, still absently rubbing the pink bow with her index finger. She twists to her side to tuck the present carefully into her bag and tosses her wand in as well. And then, just when he thinks she’s going to be nice and give him a perfunctory thank you, she steps forward and wraps her arms around his waist. 

Stunned, but delighted, he returns her embrace, his arms wrapping around her back. Her head is tucked neatly under his chin, her nose surely smelling his robes and he’s glad that Peter had sprayed him with cologne (“Don’t see Lily when you’re all smelly!” he had said) before he’d left the dorm this morning. Lily squeezes his waist once and then steps back. Her lips are pulled into a bright smile, full teeth on display. 

“That’s the funniest gift I’ve ever received,” She tells him sincerely still smiling as she speaks, “And one of the sweetest. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome!” He says loudly, noticing that his cheeks have become rather warm. 

“Only thing that would make it better is if you looked a little happier when you gave it to me,” She says, poking him in the ribs once more. 

He doesn’t dodge this time, letting out a surprised breath when her fingers make contact with him. “I am happy!” He protests and at her raised eyebrow he says, “Well, it’s not my fault you make me nervous.”

“Cute,” She says, still smiling, “But I meant… you haven’t seemed happy since the whole… Irina incident.” James stiffens and Lily seems to notice because her eyes widen and she barrels on, “Not that it’s any of my business! I just… I just—um—like it when you’re happy?”

The wording is so awkward that for a moment he just stares at Lily because she sounds as though she’s been tongue-tied. “Good to know, Evans,” He says and feels himself slip into a familiar, embarrassed grin he only gets in her presence. 

“There’s that smile I know and love,” She teases and his heart thuds a little faster at her words. She glances down at her watch, pulling her lips together like she’s thinking and then blurts out, “Em’s brother has sent her two bottles of Blishen’s firewhiskey and I’m afraid the three of us can’t finish it ourselves! Would the four of you like to join us?” She says all this very fast. 

“To celebrate?” He clarifies, respectfully not commenting on her sudden loudness, to which she nods. “Of course! Only, we’re not doing it in the dormitory like a bunch of pansies.” She opens her mouth to protest, but they can’t be celebrating Lily Evans turning of age in such a lackluster fashion, “Meet us in the common room at half past ten, we’ll sneak up to the Astronomy tower.”

“And how, pray tell, do you plan to keep Filch away from there all night?” She asks pointedly, “Don’t think all of us can fit under that cloak of yours.”

“C’mon Evans, give me some credit,” He tells her, finding it hard not to smile since she’d pointed out that she liked seeing it, “I’ll see you tonight!”  
/  
The path towards the Astronomy tower is long, especially with portraits inquiring loudly as to where they’re going. Remus is guiding the way with the map in his left hand and his wand held high. Emmeline is chattering to him, unable to keep her voice at a whisper, something Remus keeps scolding her about. Sirius, Marlene and Peter seem to be engaging in a game that involves naming as many magical creatures as possible, James doesn’t even have to listen to know that Marlene will win; she’s always been fascinated by Professor Grubbly-Plank’s class. 

Lily walks next to him, neither of them speaking. James is still soaking in his embarrassment at giving her such a ridiculous present and reveling in the kind words she’d offered him afterwards. Lily, however, seems content in their silence, her shoulder brushing against his as they walk. She’s changed out of her school robes into a pair of dark blue jeans that flare out at her ankles and a black turtle-neck that has golden buttons at her wrists. Her hair is swept back with a polka-dotted headband and though he knows nothing of cosmetics, he’s positive there’s something lining her eyes and lips (he would know, he spends an awful lot of time looking at her). 

When they arrive at the steps of the Astronomy tower, Marlene interrupts her conversation to ask, “You lot are sure we won’t get caught?”

“Scared?” Peter asks and she pinches his arm in response, balancing one bottle of firewhiskey under her armpit. 

“This is why you aren’t in Gryffindor,” Sirius teases lightheartedly, sweeping up the staircase, making Marlene purse her lips before running after him. Lily gives him an inquiring look and he nods at her, confirming her unasked question.

True to his word, he and Remus had ventured down to the Astronomy tower earlier in the day and placed several charms on the corridors leading away from it. If Filch came within ten meters of the stairs going upwards, he would inevitably hear a clamoring of footsteps going in the opposite direction. Knowing his desire for wanting to capture students out of bed, he would never be able to resist such an obvious clue. None of them really mind getting detention, at this point James even looks forward to seeing McGonagall and he can always use his mirror if he wants to talk to Sirius. But, somehow he doubts the girls share his opinion, and it would be a rather bad birthday present to send Lily off to detention.

When they arrive into the room, Peter has already sprawled onto one of the many cushions Professor Sinistra has laid out and Marlene is trying to pour firewhiskey into cups that Sirius is charming to float around the room. The large, circular window shows a clear view of the twinkling stars and the crescent moon. Though the phase offers little light, James is glad for it because it’s the time of the month Remus looks healthiest. 

“If you spill even a drop of that firewhiskey, Sirius Black, I’ll make sure none makes it down your throat.” Emmeline threatens merrily, holding one of the only full glasses. 

Instantaneously, Sirius stops charming the glasses, floating them delicately into each of their hands. James catches his with practiced ease but winces at the smell of the alcohol. “This is so not going to end well.” He mutters, bringing the glass, filled with the treacherous drink, up to his lips. 

“Hang on!” Marlene interrupts, clapping a hand on his shoulder, “Birthday girl gets first drink.”

Lily reaches out eagerly for her own glass, but Marlene shakes her head and instead pops the cork out of the bottle of firewhiskey once more. James winces to himself, but if possible, Lily’s smile only widens and she opens her mouth, tipping her head backwards. Marlene grins and sloshes firewhiskey into Lily’s mouth, letting it drip over her lips, down to her chin and onto the floor. “Merlin,” Lily gasps once she’s swallowed, “That’s the stuff.” James is looking at her with an expression of incredulity, mildly distracted by the shine of her lips. She looks over at him, grabbing the cup Marlene had been withholding and taps it roughly against his own, “Cheers, Potter.” 

He takes a sip obediently, not quite managing to hold back the smile that threatens to take over his face. “Alright, what’re we playing?” He asks and they all start thinking. It’s common practice that after a Quidditch match gone right, the older students tend to play a ridiculous drinking game that gives them noise complaints and scandalized looks from first years.

“You ever played Never Have I Ever?” Lily asks finally, taking a seat on the ledge of the rounded window. She juts her chin out as a gesture, looking at him pointedly and he sits across from her happily. “It’s a Muggle drinking game,” She explains when most of them shake their heads. “Pretty self-explanatory. When it’s your turn you say something you’ve never done and if anyone in the circle has done it, they take a sip.”

“Well,” Remus says resigned, leaning his back against one of the stone walls covered with diagrams of Jupiter’s moons, “I suppose we’re losing this game, boys.”

The four of them grin at one another, but Emmeline pipes up from her spot next to Remus, “Don’t be too sure.”

Sirius seems to take this as a personal offense and starts off the game, leaning his feet into Peter’s lap as he does, “I’ve never—”

“No, no, no,” Lily interrupts, stretching her own legs until they’re pressed against the side of James’ thighs, “You have to start by saying: Never have I ever.”

Sirius rolls his eyes, but continues upon her instructions, “Never have I ever… Merlin, I’ve done a lot of things.” He frowns to himself and James has to scramble to think as well, “Never have I ever ridden a motorbike.” Sirius says finally, a note of wistfulness creeping into his voice. 

Lily and Emmeline take gulps of their firewhiskey and Emmeline goes to answer their curious eyebrows. “Lily’s uncle’s got one. We tried it out Christmas before last.” Sirius whistles and James has to look over at Lily to offer her his own impressed look.

“Never have I ever gotten caught snogging someone,” Peter says and Sirius’ eyes flash to James so quickly that he almost bursts out laughing. James gives Sirius a warning glance. It would put a damper on Peter’s mood if Sirius started teasing him about his lack of girlfriend. 

Marlene takes a swig of her drink, as do Sirius and James, now that’s a memory he wants to repress desperately. He watches Lily out of the corner of his eye to find her shaking her head. “Why am I not surprised?” She asks, her lips twitching. 

James shrugs his shoulders, shifting his feet so his shoes aren’t pressed against her jeans. “Never have I ever…” He glances mischievously over at Lily, “crashed a broomstick.” She curls her feet, little ballerina flats crinkling, and kicks his thigh with a light blow. She takes a swig, rather proudly mind you, and sticks her tongue out at him. Marlene, Peter, Emmeline and Sirius take swigs as well. “What can I say? None of you are as talented as me.” He says, preparing himself to catch Lily’s ankle when she aims another kick. 

“Bully for you,” She says, rolling her eyes and then thinking contemplatively. “Never have I ever lost Gryffindor more than thirty points in one go.” She says looking at him pointedly. 

James groans, taking a swig simultaneously with Remus, Peter and Sirius. “Not our fault you lot are well-behaved,” Peter says, wiping the firewhiskey dribble from his chin.

“Just better at not getting caught, more like,” Marlene says, tutting at them. 

“We want credit for our deeds.” Sirius responds easily, tugging at a curl that slips out of Marlene’s tight ponytail.

Emmeline holds back a giggle, “Never have I ever called someone by the wrong name.” James takes a swig, remembering the time he had called the second year, Gilderoy Lockhart, Gideon. 

“Does it count if you call them mum?” Remus asks, making Marlene choke on her sip and look at him as though he’s another species. “Not me,” He says laughing at her reaction, “Sirius once called McGonagall mum.”

“Ah,” Sirius says, taking a sip, “Never seen her speechless before.” He says it looking forlornly into the distance making Lily break out into a bought of giggles. 

“Never have I ever… er—skinny dipped?” Remus offers, turning his voice up at the end. 

To his utter astonishment, Lily, Marlene and Emmeline take a simultaneous gulp of their firewhiskey. There’s a beat. And then the room erupts into noise and James thanks all the Gods that probably don’t exist that Marlene had thought to cast a muffling charm. “Where?” Remus asks Emmeline to which she replies the Black Lake.

“When?” Sirius demands, getting into Marlene’s face. She is unperturbed, just shrugging her shoulders and telling him it was in their fifth year. “Why weren’t we invited?” He throws out, sending the girls into a symphony of giggles.

He looks over at Lily who seems to be expecting him to voice his own question. But he’s busy dropping his mouth open. “Cat got your tongue?” She asks cheekily. 

“First of all,” He says, affronted, “I’m a very visual thinker so fuck you, Remus, for bringing that up,” Remus and Lily both start laughing, and James manages to sputter out, “Second of all, is that where you met the Giant Squid you’re so fond of?”

It had been a risky joke. Despite apologizing for the incident last year, James had very purposefully and carefully not brought up the fact that he had, in fact, practically tried to blackmail her into going on a date with him. It had been a calculated decision to prevent exactly this; the thick awkward air, the silence of their collective friends and this look she’s giving him. Lily’s green eyes are unwavering and James feels his cheeks warm and he opens his mouth to start sputtering more rubbish. 

“I never said I was _fond_ of the squid,” She says finally, eyes twinkling with amusement, and James takes a relieved breath that his friends mirror. “He just seemed like a preferable option at the time.”

At the time. Did she just say _at the time?_ James’ eyes dart over to Peter who nods enthusiastically, his lips pulling into his own smile. He opens his mouth, but he doesn’t think he’s ever been at such a loss for words, which seems to be Lily’s goal because she’s looking at him smugly now. She twists her waist little, adjusting her feet so they land up in his lap and she raises her eyebrow at him like she’s _daring_ him to say something. James is half sure his heart is going to fall from his chest and out of the astronomy tower considering how hard it’s beating.

“Never have I ever,” Marlene interrupts loudly and pointedly. James doesn’t know if he’s grateful or not. “Gone to class hungover.”

Remus groans audibly, “I don’t understand. These three,” He glares at his friends, but James is hardly listening. He’s still staring at Lily who is smiling away at their friends, unaware of the bounding rhythm she’s started in his chest. “Never get hungover… I’ll never understand it.” He says scowling, into his firewhiskey.

“Don’t be bitter, Moony,” Peter calls, “Just drink less next time.” Remus throws up a less than friendly sign at him, covering his Prefect’s badge as though it has eyes.

Emmeline’s voice interrupts their laughter, “Why do they call you Moony, anyways?”

Remus opens his mouth to answer with a careful lie but James finally tears his gaze away from Lily and beats him to it, “It’s because he mooned someone in third year.”

“He _what_?” Marlene almost shrieks, spilling firewhiskey onto her skirt, “You won’t skinny dip in the Black Lake, but you’re open to _mooning_ someone?”

James chokes on a sip of his firewhiskey, splattering the drink onto his lap and Lily’s legs. Sirius and Peter do no such thing, erupting into raucous laughter, as even Remus lets out his own chuckle. Their game ends promptly because Marlene seems to be beside herself at learning this supposed fact about Remus, crawling towards him to ask why on earth he would do such a thing. Though it’s rather amusing to see Remus try and smooth-talk his way out of the situation while Peter fails to hold back his laughter, James turns back to Lily. 

“Having fun, birthday girl?” He asks, letting his hands settle down on her ankles. Her shoes are getting a bit of dirt on his trousers, but he can’t find it in himself to ask her to move them. 

“Time of my life,” Lily confirms, pulling up one sleeve to check her wristwatch, “Although in around thirty minutes, it won’t be my birthday anymore.”

He hums, trailing his fingers down to the side of her right foot at the junction where skin meets shoe. He raises an eyebrow at her questioningly and she just shrugs though she mustn’t know what he’s asking. He slips the back of her ballet flat off gently, carefully pulling her feet out of the shoe. Her feet are cold under his touch. She’s looking at him almost nervously and he scrambles for something to say before she pulls away. “Well what can I do for you in these last, fleeting minutes?” He asks, stretching to pull the other flat off. He lines them up carefully next to him, gaze and hands landing back on her pale feet, toenails painted a glittering silver. 

“Can I ask you a question?” She says softly and James looks back up to her face. Her lips are pulled into a sad smile. 

“Sure.”

“You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to,” She says, twirling a strand of hair between her fingers. He’s about to open his mouth to tell her there’s very few things he wouldn’t want to tell her but she doesn’t let him. “Could you tell me what happened at Hogsmeade that day?” James freezes, unwelcome images immediately rising up in his mind. He closes his eyes, clenching his hands into fists to keep from searching for his wand. Lily’s hand gently stretches out to his leg and rests it there. “I’m sorry for bringing it up. I just… I don’t believe the rubbish rumors that’ve been flying around and I wanted to know the truth about Irina.”

Though her touch is gentle, her fingers making soft circles on the fabric of his trousers, her voice is like steel. “Did you know her?” He asks finally, opening his eyes to look at her. 

“No. But she’s… she was like me.” She was a Muggle-born, Lily doesn’t say, but James hears it nonetheless.

James’ throat feels dry, squeezing the cup of firewhiskey in his hand. He takes a sip, tapping his fingers against Lily’s feet. “I… I was going to go to the Three Broomsticks, but as I was walking, I noticed that a lot of shops seemed really empty. It was weird and there was this… stillness in the air. I wanted to keep going, mind my own business but I just… couldn’t. It was like… like…”

“Like your body moved before you even processed it.” Lily finishes for him, nodding solemnly. The faint light of the moon filters through the window and falls on her face. The left side of her face is pale white, almost like a ghost’s. 

“Yeah, exactly.” He says, swallowing tightly. “I turned around and I saw this big crowd of people. I was going to ask what all the whispering was about, but then I noticed some of them were crying and pointing in the air. I think at that point I already knew what it was, but I had to check. I looked up and there it was, clear as day; the dark mark. I don’t think I’ll ever forget what it looks like.”

For a moment, their friends’ banter fades to the background and James almost feels like he’s back in the little cottage in Hogsmeade. He takes a shaky breath, feeling it creak from his lungs to come out in a huff. Lily’s eyes are unwavering, but gentle. She nods at him and he wonders if telling hard truths is ever going to get any easier. “I started panicking, shouting and asking if anyone had been inside, if anyone had called the Ministry but nobody had. So I just… I went inside.”

Lily opens her mouth, pink lips twisting into something like concern and James waves his hand in the air, lowering his voice even more. “I know, it was stupid, it was beyond reckles. What could I have done against a Death Eater, right? But, everyone was so scared and even if she was already dead, I couldn’t just… leave her there.”

Lily tilts her head at him, her fingers still rubbing comfortingly on his leg. The look in her eyes is impossibly soft. “That’s not what I was going to say. It was reckless, but I don’t think it was stupid. What happened afterwards?”

He straightens his back, only the way Lily is looking at him, allowing him to continue. He’s told Moody what happened, his friends, but this feels different. “I… I knew it was Irina before I saw her. There were these pictures of her in the hallway. God… the way she looked. She must’ve been in the middle of something because her wand was on the coffee table. She probably put it down for a few minutes, but that was enough to get her killed. Imagine that, not even being able to put your wand down for a single moment.”

James’ voice shakes, but Lily’s gaze doesn’t. “She looked terrified, _beyond_ terrified. I can’t ever describe what face she was making, but it was horrible. She had this cut on her arm and, fuck, it was so deep.” He looks at her, through the smudges of his glasses, wondering how she can accept these horrors unflinchingly. “I turned to look at her kitchen and… and on the cabinets they’d written… in her own blood, they wrote…” 

Lily’s voice is like Mary’s; a combination of resignation, disgust and fear. Something he’ll never quite understand himself. “Mudblood.”

“Yeah.” Lily Evans drinks firewhiskey without flinching, so eagerly that some of it must’ve seeped into her bones, for the way she looks at him now is stronger than the drink itself. “There wasn’t much to do afterwards, except well… vomit.” He admits shamefully, but Lily doesn’t judge, doesn’t even blink, just offers him a sad smile. “I called the Auror office from her fireplace after seeing the house was empty. Moody came by with some of his trainees after and they handled it from there.” 

“James,” She says softly, voice like a windchime, “it was very brave of you to go inside that house.”

“No—”

“No, listen to me.” She insists, green eyes flaring, “It was. That mark, that horrible mark, people are terrified when it appears in the Daily Prophet, much less in front of their eyes.” For a moment he allows himself to believe her.

She turns her head, looking to her side to peer through the large window, her nose almost touching the glass. She takes the hand not holding his leg and presses her fingers against it, delicately tracing a shape he can’t see. “It’s getting closer. It’s getting harder to pretend, isn’t it? That everything’s alright and there isn’t a war going on outside.”

“Yeah, it is.” He says sadly, remembering McGonagall’s words to him. “Are you… afraid?”

“I’d be a fool if I wasn’t. I’m terrified.” Lily admits, looking away from the window and back to James. “That’s why I asked you. I wanted to know what was really happening, I didn’t want to go into the world with wool around my eyes.”

“I’m sorry, Evans,” James says helplessly.

“It’s alright.” She shrugs just then and the words that flow from her next, are ones he’ll never forget. “I’m not going to be scared of the world just because of a few Death Eaters. There’s a lot more beauty out there than horror.”

Maybe Lily Evans has firewhiskey in her bones and steel in her voice, but he thinks there’s something softer in her heart; something a little bit like the flower she’s named after.

“And besides,” She continues, conjuring up a smile, “at least, one good thing came out of this.” 

“Yeah?” He asks, tired of the world, but so very enamored with her, “What’s that?”

“Mary told me that you went to talk to her in the library, told her that she deserved to know.” 

James lets out a breath, conversation with Sirius echoing in his ears. _You already know what’s right_ floats through his mind and James finds himself glancing over at Sirius. He’s in the middle of a laugh, mirth lighting up his whole face and James feels the tightness in his chest loosen. “Merlin, she can’t keep that to herself, can she?”

“I thought it was sweet.” She says, smiling. “All these years, I thought I’d gotten you figured out; as someone who thinks through all these ridiculous pranks and horrible jinxes. But when it comes down to it…” She scrunches up her nose, searching his face, his eyes for some truth he doesn’t know if he has. “Your heart's too big for you, your brain doesn’t ever get a say, does it?”

“I thought you said something good came out of this. But that sounds rather mean, Evans.”

Only, there isn’t a single note of unkindness in her voice. “Thinking with your heart’s not a bad thing, especially when you’ve got such a good one.” 

James’ heartbeat picks up, his hand finding its way to his hair, pushing it even more out of his forehead than it already is. “Hidden behind a hundred thousand layers?”

“No.” Lily says and she’s not teasing him back. He doesn’t think he’s ever heard her be so serious before. “I don’t think it’s quite so hidden anymore.” His cheeks warm and he looks away from her, oddly bashful. The fist around his heart loosens completely, making it feel as though someone has put a levitation charm on it. “In fact, I don’t know how I never noticed it before.” 

James clears his throat, desperately scrambling for something to say that won’t reveal the inner disarray of his mind. “Probably distracted by the handsome face a few centimeters above it.”

Lily gives a soft giggle, but doesn’t refute that either. For a moment, he allows himself to look at her, really look at her instead of sneaking glances during Potions or offhandedly under their willow tree. She’s holding her cup of firewhiskey close to her chest, but she hasn’t taken a sip in ages. They’re sitting a few feet across from one another, but James is sure he’s never felt closer to her. Just now, with the stars twinkling away behind them, he feels something in his chest stir, something soft, something loud. She holds his gaze carefully, like she’d prefer to drink him in rather than take another sip of her firewhiskey, the both of them waiting for something, but he isn’t quite sure what. 

And then, Marlene’s voice interrupts loudly and it’s only the fact that he likes Marlene that keeps him from pushing her down the steps of the tower. “Are you two done getting lost in each other’s eyes? Because our local Mooner just had a brilliant idea.”

James and Lily both look away, but there isn’t a single awkward thing about it. He could turn back to her right now and feel as though it was the most natural thing in the world. 

Remus sighs, firewhiskey soaking into his sweater from the number of times he’s spat it out in laughter. “Please don’t ever call me that again.” He says, “And it was a joke, not an idea.”

Sirius shrugs, already standing, eyes alive under the stars, “They’re the same thing to us, mate.”

“Should’ve learned that by now.” Peter says, rubbing Remus’ shoulder consolingly. 

“Stop it with the Prefect routine, Remus,” James calls, “D’you want me to expose how many ridiculous ideas you’ve come up with?” 

Remus sticks up a middle finger at him, always easy to rankle when he’s had a few drinks. “What’s this joke?” Lily asks, pulling her legs off from his lap to let him stand. He gathers himself to his feet, only stumbling lightly and offers up a hand to her. She takes it gratefully, using his weight to propel herself into a standing position, but slips her fingers away rather quickly.

“I asked Remus whether he would moon someone ever again and he said he’d rather jump off this tower.” Marlene says, bumping her shoulders with Remus in a way that makes the man pinch his nose.

Emmeline tugs at Marlene’s ponytail, “That doesn’t mean he actually has to do it, Marly!”

“Well obviously we won’t let him crash into the ground, Em.” Peter placates, his expression turning thoughtful, “We just need a…” 

“Cushioning charm.” James and Sirius say simultaneously, grinning at one another. 

“I dunno that would just make us land all softly,” Lily hums, tilting her head back and forth. She turns to James and offers, “What d’you think of a bouncing charm?”

“Did you just say _us_?” Sirius says incredulously, at the same time James lets slip, “You’re a treasure, Lily Evans.”

Lily is so pale that when she’s embarrassed it’s very easy to spot it in her cheeks. She looks away from where James is surely looking at her with the dopiest of expressions and says, “When will you stop being surprised, Sirius?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> James' gift to Lily is honestly so CHEESY that I was laughing while writing it, but let's be real this boy isn't cool, he would be the epitome of cheesy. 
> 
> I hope I captured what James finds amazing about Lily in this chapter!


	11. not only a surface image

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lily is a Quidditch nut and the tables are turned for change

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I always feel a bit ridiculous writing about Lily's friendships because we were given no content about that. I know a lot of people think that Lily met Emmeline and Marlene in the order, but I find it hard to believe that she wouldn't have made any friends who'd be interested in the war.

To say Lily is a Quidditch enthusiast is an understatement. Of course she knows that broomsticks have smacked her in the face and she’s crashed into walls more times than she can count. Once she even fractured every bone in her right arm. But that won’t stop her from having a great love for the sport. She suspects it runs in the family, though her dad shouts at the telly when Manchester United can’t be bothered to score properly, she shrieks at Gryffindor Quidditch matches instead. 

“Will you please stop shouting?” Peter is saying, covering his ears with his hands. 

“That was a foul!” She tells him and it’s only the fact that he winces that makes her realize that she’s still yelling. “Sorry, but it _was_.” 

“Y’know, I always found it funny that we could hear you no matter where we were sitting,” Sirius says to her, Gryffindor scarf poking out from under the collar of his leather jacket, “But now that I’m sitting right next to you, it’s not all that funny.”

“Now you know my pain,” Emmeline mutters to Remus, “Why d’you think I wear earmuffs? Because it’s cold?”

Remus lets out a snort and she’s about to snark back when she notices that Rory Spinnet, their Seeker, has just been hit by a Slytherin Beater’s bat. “C’MON!” Lily bellows to Sirius’ wince, “THAT’S A FOUL! THAT’S BLOODY CHEATING!”

“THE REFEREE WILL CALL IT, EVANS!” Sirius shouts back at her, standing so he can get in her face. “STOP DOING HIS JOB!”

“I’M HELPING!”

“Helping me go deaf maybe,” Remus mutters, rubbing his ears and looking very much as though he wished he’d gotten his own earmuffs. 

“They should have red cards in Quidditch,” She complains, pushing Sirius back to his sitting position, “Don’t you think, Remus?” She keeps her eyes on the fields, in the February snows, the entire grounds are covered in a brutal layer of ice. She wonders how James manages to keep warm up there with the wind blowing in his face.

“I don’t know enough about football,” Remus admits, “to agree or disagree. But somehow I doubt that they’d integrate Muggle rules into the game.”

“Bullshit,” She hisses, not even hearing his response, “Did you see that?”

“Er—no?” Remus says warily, turning his golden eyes back to the pitch. 

“Their Keeper,” Lily says indignantly, pulling her eyes to the far end of the grounds, “He just stuck his leg inside the hoop to push the Quaffle out!” 

“OI, PRONGS!” Sirius shouts suddenly, “BETTER MAKE A GOAL BEFORE EVANS SHITS HERSELF!”

Lily shoves Sirius hard to the side, making him collide with Peter, almost toppling over onto a pair of terrified looking first years. She chances a look at the pitch to search for the robes with ‘POTTER’ emblazoned across the back. But, James is already looking in her direction and though from here she can’t make out what expression he’s making, she does catch sight of him bringing gloved fingers to his forehead in a tiny salute. She feels her cheeks warm just slightly, oddly pleased.

Lily prays that James has a plan because just then, Slytherin starts to up its game. Which means resorting to violent tactics that should be cheating but always manage to fly under the radar. Spinnet gets hit by a barrage of Bludgers, the Slytherin Beaters relentless in their pursuit. At a particularly low part of the game, one collides with his face and he topples off his broom so quickly that James and one of their other Chasers, Henry Zhang, have to abandon their pursuit of the Quaffle to catch him.

“We’re down a Seeker!” Lily says, clapping her hands to her face, “What’re we gonna do?” She’s talking to Emmeline, but she can see Sirius and Peter rolling their eyes. “Oh fuck off,” She snaps at their expressions, “If you don’t care, I better not see you crying if we lose or celebrating if we win.”

This only sends the two of them into a fit of laughter so loud that Lily can hardly hear the score. 120-50 to Gryffindor. They’re still in the lead, but it’s hopeless if their Seeker is down for the count. Lily watches on dreadfully, not even bothering to sit in her seat, just pressed up against the very front of the stands. She tries to track the movements of both teams but finds her gaze returning to red robes, more often than not. She can hardly look away when Richard Flint pulls James’ broom so hard that as a reflex, James flails and manages to punch him in the face.

Lily lets out a hysterical giggle, watching as Flint holds onto his nose, glad for once the referee hasn’t bothered to call for a foul. She’s biting the frayed edges of her nails for at least the next thirty minutes, as the afternoon sun makes an appearance from behind the clouds. Gryffindor has been steadily stacking points despite the Slytherins’ less than fair attempts at stopping them. 

Though their Chasers are killing the game, it’s next to impossible to win a game when your Seeker is out of commission. This doesn’t stop her from cheering loudly and obnoxiously, much to her friends’ chagrin, whenever Gryffindor makes a particularly spectacular goal. “YES!” She screeches after a brilliant save by their Keeper, “THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT!”

“I’m never sitting with you again,” Peter says just loudly enough for her to hear, but she doesn’t even bother shooting him a dirty look because the commentator announces that Gyffindor now has 210 points compared to Slytherin’s 60. A 150 point difference. 

Lily squeezes her hands together in a prayer, biting down on her lip anxiously. Please let them score just one more goal before the Seeker catches the Snitch. She peers onto the pitch to see a Slytherin Chaser zooming towards their goal posts and she lets out a terrified gasp when the Quaffle soars through the air. Luckily, their Keeper kicks it out of the way and straight into the arms of James who catches it skillfully. 

“He’ll make it,” Sirius says lazily, but she notices his eyes are trained carefully on his friend, posture tense. Lily grins to herself, clutching Sirius’ arm which he tries valiantly to shake off. 

But just then, the Slytherin Seeker, Regulus Black, skyrockets upwards. He’s seen the Snitch. Lily’s eyes dark back towards James who is still avoiding Bludgers and broomstick-pullings from Slytherin members, barely halfway across the pitch. “YOU CAN DO IT, JAMES!” She shouts, digging her nails into Sirius’ jacket. 

“C’MON, PRONGS!” Sirius bellows and she’s too tense to even be satisfied at his joining in. Together, the two of them start screaming incomprehensibly at the pitch, watching James evade a Bludger with a spin on his broomstick that would’ve made Lily vomit. If he hears them, he gives no indication, only flies further into Slytherin territory. Everyone on the pitch has abandoned all other work, only working to stop James or Regulus. 

One of their Beaters aims a careful Bludger that slows Regulus’ course just slightly. Just then, James pulls off a spectacular maneuver that rockets him out of the way of two Slytherin Chasers. He has barely a second to throw the Quaffle before one member knocks hard into his right side. But it’s too late. The Quaffle soars and soars and it feels like it’s flying forever. Lily digs her nails further into Sirius’ arm, Emmeline squeezes hers.

The Quaffle sails into the right hoop. “YES!” Sirius yells, and the entire stadium bursts into cheers as it’s soon revealed that Regulus caught the Snitch just moments later. Lily squeals delightedly, swept up in a tight hug from Sirius who lifts her off her feet in his excitement. 

“GRYFFINDOR WINS THE MATCH 220 TO 210!” Announces their commentator cheerfully. It drowns out the groans from the Slytherin side. Sirius has let her down only to pull Peter towards him in a bruising hug. 

“Fancy coming down to the locker room with us?” Remus asks, a delighted smile on his features.

“I’m not trying to get trampled,” Emmeline says. It always takes so much convincing for her to even come to the stands, she’s far too claustrophobic. “Go without me, Lily.”

She nods eagerly back at Remus, letting him pull her towards the stairs, throwing out a wave to Emmeline in their haste to go down. Lily laughs, utterly elated, her heart light in her chest as she wonders how the boys will decide to celebrate. She’s sure James already has something ridiculous in mind. The four of them push their way through the crowd, elbowing anyone who tries to push them. Lily is holding onto the back of Remus’ robes in an effort not to get lost in the throng of people. 

Sirius, Peter and Remus all push each other in an effort to clamor into the boys’ changing room, clapping at the other boys who emerge. Lily laughs, leaning against the shed to wait for them to come back, congratulating the members who come out. She pants, she should probably exercise more, if a bit of running gets her so out of breath.

“I heard you cheering for Potter.” A familiar voice says and Lily’s golden happiness evaporates in a split second.

She turns to her left to where Severus is standing in front of her, a scowl worn on his pale face. He’s wearing his robes, a Slytherin scarf wrapped hastily around his neck. She swallows tightly, a cold fist closing around her heart at the sight of him.

“Yeah,” She bites out finally, then turning to face him with a sarcastic look, “He’s a bril Chaser, don’t you think?

His frown deepens, creasing his forehead. “I didn’t know you two were friends.” He tells her, disapproval dripping from his tone.

“I didn’t know it was any of your business.” 

“All I’m trying to say is—”

“Save it, I don’t want to hear it.” She says, turning her nose in the air, “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to congratulate my _friend_ on his win.” She tells him pointedly in the hopes that he’ll be so offended by her rudeness that he’ll just walk away. She can hear the boys shouting excitedly inside, hear the mirth in James’ voice and doesn’t want his win to be soiled by the sight of Severus.

“So that’s it then?” He says, not moving an inch. If anything it seems like he’s dug his feet into the solid ground. His voice is frigid, nothing remotely childlike about it. “We stop being friends and you just immediately crawl over to his side?”

“Excuse me?” 

“How can you be friends with someone like him?” Severus blurts out, uncharacteristic redness spreading across his cheeks. 

“Why not?” She says cooly, folding her arms together, “I was friends with you once too, perhaps I’ve learned my lesson.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“That maybe I’m finally friends with people who treat me with respect.” She spits back at him. She may have yelled until her throat burned during the match, but she’s got more than enough fire left in her. But it’s not worth it, she refuses to give him the satisfaction.

“ _Treat you with respect?_ ” He repeats back, black eyes widening indignantly, “James Potter can’t take his head out of his own arse enough to notice anyone, much less respect them!” 

“Are you really so blinded by your own hatred that you can’t see the person he really is?” Lily asks, sudden and abrupt defensiveness roaring in her chest. She would never spend countless hours under a willow tree with a boy who couldn’t respect her.

“The person he really is? Are you listening to yourself, Lily?” Severus argues back, taking a step towards her, his hands waving about, “You sound like one of those stupid girls. Potter is an arrogant prick who takes pleasure in—”

Lily thinks about the seriousness in James’ voice when he’d told her about Irina. The soft look in his eyes when he gave her the whale she’s nicknamed Vern. The gentle way he’d taken her ballet flats off. “He’s grown up. Clearly I can’t say the same for you.” 

“Lily, Lily I’m sorry… wait,” Severus says, his voice slipping into a familiar tone that reminds her of their youth together. She takes a step back, unsure of where she’s even planning on going when he says, “This is the first conversation we’ve had in months, please don’t go.”

“If you cared so much about that maybe you shouldn’t have started things off by insulting people I care about.” She says coldly, without so much as sparing a look at him, “Have a good day, Severus.” And then pushes the door to the boys’ changing room open. 

There’s hardly any light in the room, sunlight filtering through cracks in the shed. But she can just slightly make out that Sirius has James in a headlock, arms wrapped tightly around him. Remus is laughing at the sight while Peter cheers delightedly, holding onto James’ broom. They all look up simultaneously at her. 

She glances nervously to the pile of Quidditch robes on the floor then back behind her to check if Severus is there. She looks back at the boys, now all standing apart and notices with an embarrassed flush that James doesn’t have a shirt on. 

“Congratulations,” She manages, looking determinedly away from his toned physique, “You played a great game.”

“Thanks, Evans.” James says nervously, rubbing the back of his head, though he looks at her charming as ever.  
/  
Lily stares absently at the Gryffindor common room, nursing a glass of Fairy Wine that Sirius has given her. It tastes like a strange version of champagne, making her let out a little burp every now and then. She watches Peter talk to a pair of fifth year girls as one of them looks over hopefully at Remus, who is oblivious to the attention. Sirius has his arm around Emmeline, gesturing loudly to the rapt attention of some younger students. The entire common room is bursting with energy but Lily feels far too anxious to join in. 

James who has returned from the hospital wing (“I can’t celebrate when I have a man down!” He had proclaimed, making them return without him). He has his feet slung over onto an ottoman, long legs stretching out far beyond it. His head is almost resting against her shoulder as he talks. “Don’t get me wrong, I love going over the highlights of my match, but I can’t help but feel as though I’ve been talking for too long.” He says and she hums distractedly, tapping her fingers against her glass. “Hello! Earth to Evans?”

She jumps abruptly, almost spilling her wine over James’ lap. “Hi sorry yes, your last goal really was fantastic! I was nervous about whether you’d make it in or not.” She tells him, doing her best to inject some enthusiasm into her voice.

He gives her a smile, ruffling his hair as he sits up to lean against the arm of the sofa. She turns to face him, bringing her knees to her chest to peer at him over them. “I know, I heard you screaming from all the way across the stadium.” He tells her, preening as he does.

“Shut up.”

He furrows his brow, lowering his voice to ask, “What’s on your mind?”

“Quidditch!” She says defensively, resting her chin on her knees. 

“Bullshit.” He shakes his head, wagging his finger at her like he’s Slughorn, “You haven’t smiled once since we got back to the common room and you haven’t poked me even once for going on and on about my spectacular skills.”

She smiles into her wine, “Maybe I agree with you.”

“Lily.” He says seriously, “Just tell me.”

She looks at him for a moment, focuses on the relaxed state of his shoulders and silently says goodbye to it. “I—I saw Severus after the game. We talked a bit.”

“Hmm.” He says, shoulders predictably tightening against the Puddlemere United jumper he’s got on, “Didn’t go well, I take it?”

“No,” She says and when he just nods along encouragingly, Lily feels a sizzling in her stomach. Almost like she’s going to burp, she bursts out to say, “He’s just so different. When we were kids, I knew him like the back of my hand, but now… I just don’t anymore.” She says helplessly, wondering how ridiculous she must sound.

“Happens doesn’t it, when he turns out to be a slimy git.” James responds, cracking his knuckles as he encourages her to go on.

Lily’s shoulders sag, looking away from James just a touch disappointed. “Just when I thought you were gonna be civil about this.”

“What?” James disputes, thick eyebrows raising onto his forehead, “He _is_ a git, he’s a bad person, Evans.”

Lily scowls, again reminded of the clear cut way James looks at things. “The world isn’t split into good and bad so cleanly like that. Believe it or not Severus wasn’t always like this…” She twists her lips from side to side trying to choose a good memory from her childhood that didn’t involve Petunia crying or Lily getting confused. “When we were kids he was always kind to me, he… he always came over for Friday night dinners and helped me clean up the dishes. He’s… he’s not all bad.” She says feebly, knowing how weak her counterargument sounds. “I don’t understand why you hate him so much.”

“D’you want the list in alphabetical order?” He asks, flicking the wine glass from her fingers to take a sip of it. He makes a face, scrunching up his expression so much that the freckles at the tip of his nose come together to make a dark spot.

“Be serious.” 

She only has a split second to regret her word choice before James sighs dramatically, “If only I could be, my hair would be much more manageable.” 

“James.” She says flatly, suddenly reminded of something, “All I’m saying is, he wasn’t always so bad. You’re hard on him but… but you of all people should know what it’s like caring about someone who plays with darkness.”

James’ expression has morphed into one of confusion now. “Me of all people meaning?”

Lily squares her shoulders, “I mean, I heard about what happened last year. Sirius tried to lure Severus down to whatever lives below the Whomping Willow, I mean he could’ve died.” In her effort to get the words out in a way that wouldn’t offend him, Lily fails to notice the clenching of James’ jaw. He says something under his breath but she doesn’t hear him. “What?”

“Don’t ever talk about Sirius like that.” James growls, sounding very much like he’d rather be shouting at her. There’s an odd tremor in his voice that makes her feel like he’s controlling himself.

“I like Sirius, all I’m trying to say is that—”

James’ eyes dart towards Sirius as though afraid he’ll hear their conversation. But Sirius is now pulling Remus over to play a game of Exploding Snap. When his eyes land on Lily, they are fuming. “You want to go ahead and defend Snape as always, go right ahead, but don’t you dare put him and Sirius in the same box. They’re not even in the same fucking league.” Lily’s mouth drops open slightly, but James powers on, “Sure, we’ve been wankers over the last few years but Sirius is not a bigot. He’s reckless and stupid sometimes, but he’s not on the train to become a Death Eater.”

 _Unlike Severus_ , her mind offers helpfully. But James had been too kind to say the words aloud even in his rage.

“I—I know Sirius would never do that. I wasn’t trying to say he’d… go dark like that.” Lily crosses her legs so she can reach over to put a hand on James’ leg. His entire body is tense, all his muscles taut, but she doesn’t think it’s from anger. It looks like all the love he has for Sirius is brimming, bubbling, too vast to contain in his veins. She had been foolish, even if she had been trying to make a point. James and Sirius were brothers, a family that chose one another, a family beyond blood. It had been idiotic of her to think that James would take anyone, even Lily, talking about Sirius in such a way, well. “James, I’m sorry.”

James lets out a shaky breath through his nose. He lifts up his hand to pinch at the bridge of his nose, making more smudges appear on his glasses. It’s the first time she has ever been on the receiving end of his anger though she’s seen it before. But, that’s not quite right. He isn’t looking at her the way he looks at Slytherins. He’s looking at her in a way that feels almost intimate. “The world might not be split into good and bad, but sometimes you still have to pick a side. You’ve chosen yours and clearly Snape has chosen his. You can hold onto that memory of who he was before Hogwarts, but clearly he isn’t that anymore.”

Lily’s heart pounds loudly in her chest. _You still have to pick a side_ echoing ominously in her head. Her lower lip quivers and she has to look away from the blazing heat of James’ eyes because if she looks any longer, she thinks she’ll start to cry.

“I know we’ve been pricks, alright?” James continues finally, voice losing its sharp edge to just sound tired. “And that night was a monumental low for Sirius, but it’s never going to be in the same league as supporting what Voldemort stands for. There’s a big difference between being a reckless areshole and a Death Eater wannabe.” 

One of the things that define a true Gryffindor is a sense of pride. Lily had always been a proud sort of girl, standing by her decisions and friends with her head held high. But that one afternoon when Severus had called her a ‘mudblood’ had left her feeling small and shameful. And yet still, months and months later, here she is making excuses for him when just today she’d turned her nose up at him. Defending him, it seems, was going to be a very hard habit to break.

When Lily looks up at James again, he’s just a little blurry. Horrified, she lifts her sleeves to her eyes, swiping frantically and blubbering, “I’m sorry. It’s just difficult to let go of that. He was my best friend and I guess… I guess I was trying to draw up a parallel that sometimes good people can do bad things.”

James doesn’t look at her with pity, but there is a distinct twinge of sadness there that wasn’t before. He puts the glass of wine gently down on the floor next to them and slides closer to her to speak softly, both hands coming up to rub Lily’s shoulders. His hands are so large compared to hers and so much warmer. “There are a lot of reasons I hate Snape. But the newest one is the one that disgusts me the most. You called him your friend, you defended him, you cared about him and he still turned his back on you, he betrayed you and that’s unforgivable.” Though his words are harsh, his voice is gentle, allowing her heart to slow in its rapid attempts to beat out of her chest. 

“Sorry.” James offers, gently brushing away strands of hair that had fallen in front of her face. He stretches out one arm to settle on the back of the sofa, blocking her from the view of the rest of the common room, letting her cry privately. “I didn’t mean to shout, I just get defensive of Sirius. Loads of people like to think they know him just by looking at him, but they don’t really understand him.” James explains sheepishly, looking a little ashamed of himself for his outburst. 

Lily shakes her head, wiping away the last of her tears to sniffle, “I wasn’t… I don’t think Sirius and Severus are the same.” And it’s the truth. She’s seen Sirius jump in the way of a Bat-bogey hex for James without even blinking. “Sirius would never intentionally hurt you like how Severus hurt me.” 

James lets his other hand drop from where it was rubbing soothing circles on her shoulder. “I’m sorry, Evans. I can’t imagine what it’s like to be betrayed by someone you trusted and loved. I’d be confused too.”

Lily shakes her head quickly in an effort to snap herself out of her sadness. “Have you ever felt like that? Confused about your friends?” 

He shrugs as a response, “I’m not going to pretend I agree with everything my mates do. I've gotten angry, but I know what they’re like. I know that they’d never intentionally want to hurt me… or anyone else.” He adds and Lily nods understandingly. 

He knows his friends are good people. 

“I don’t agree with what Severus does. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not going to go and be best mates with him again,” She looks up at James wondering if she should tell him what she’s thinking. His expression is sad, but she sees the fondness for her creeping behind his eyes. “But is it… fucked up if I wish I could rewind back to before?”

“It’s not fucked up.” He tells her sadly, “I’d say it’s only natural.”

“I hate him and I can’t forgive him for what he believes in.” She says though she’s not sure if she truly hates Severus, if she ever could. Her palms sweat, but she wants to say her next words. Though James is often callous, she feels safe under his gaze, almost warm. “But I still wish things were different, doesn't that mean I'm weak?”

“No. I think it means that you love people deeply.” He tells her simply with a surety that she doesn’t know where he conjured from. “You don’t do it half heartedly, so of course it’ll be difficult for you to let go of Snape when you poured so much into him. I don't think it makes you weak at all.” 

Severus had been so horrified, so disgusted to see that Lily had become friends with James. And though James’ reactions to Severus could hardly be called mature, he was putting his loathing aside for her. He seems to believe it with such force, that Lily is strong that it makes her heart swell. His voice is so soft, so careful that she feels a glittering peace settle over her. 

Severus had always said that James Potter was an arrogant bully and for a while Lily had believed the same. Had thought, sure he’s charming and funny, and alright Marlene he’s sort of cute too. But he’d still been an arrogant bully. But now, when she can still feel the imprint of his hands on her shoulders, the careful way he speaks to her just reminds her of how very glad she is that people are not only their surface images.  
/  
Lily usually minds it very much when her friends are late. It’s resulted in countless spats with Emmeline and Marlene, well more with the latter considering Em was always too anxious to ever turn up late. But today, as she’s curled up in the back of the Three Broomsticks, she can’t help but be grateful that Marlene hasn’t turned up quite yet and Emmeline isn’t coming at all. 

Her conversation with James still whirls around in her head. It’s strange, she muses sipping her butterbeer, how he’s burst so loudly into her life, tilting the entire world beneath her feet. Every time she thinks she’s gotten a handle on him, he goes and surprises her with a whale or scolding her about her bad judgements. She glances around the crowded bar and remembers the last time she was here with the boys, remembers the sharp questions Sirius had thrown at her about Petunia.

She almost wants to smack herself in the face. It hadn’t just been callous to bring up Sirius to James like that, but foolish. She’d been drawing paper thin parallels between Severus and Sirius, hoping that she and James, who she’d started to see were more similar than she’d thought, loved the same kinds of people; dark haired boys from broken homes and a penchant for darkness. But that’s all it was, a surface image. If she’d bothered to look at Sirius any deeper than a gossipy girl, she’d have known that he liked to peer over to the darkness, but kept his feet firmly in the light. Severus seemed just the opposite. 

Before Lily has a chance to swing herself into a stupor over her foolishness, the door of the bar is thrown open. Marlene is something like a hurricane when she barges into the Three Broomsticks, throwing her coat over Lily’s face as though she hasn’t kept her waiting for the last fifteen minutes. 

Before Lily has a chance to voice her half-hearted complaint she says, blue eyes bright and sparkling, “Have you ever seen the Slytherin dungeons? I wonder what ol’ Salazar was thinking having his students sleep there, no wonder they’re so deranged.” Marlene laughs a high, tinkling laugh, and flags over Madame Rosmerta for a butterbeer.

Lily smiles despite herself, the sheer excitement in Marlene’s voice wiping away her complaints as she throws off the wet coat from her shoulders. Rosmerta titters over, already with a butterbeer in hand and Marlene pays gratefully, pulling the drink towards her and gracing Lily with a foam moustache. 

“How did you find their common room?” Lily asks once Marlene has gulped half her drink down her throat. 

“Sirius was showing me the map and seemed positively offended I hadn’t toured half the castle.” She grins, lips wide and red, “Said he couldn’t be friends with a goody two shoes, were his exact words I think.”

Lily’s eyes scan Marlene’s lips, but her makeup seems as immaculate as ever and her neck is bruise free. “Is that why you’ve kept me waiting?”

Marlene puts a hand on Lily’s, long fingernails tapping at her wrist, “Time gets away from you if you’re ever around one of those boys.” Her voice is suggestive but Lily ignores the implications and fires them back at her instead.

“Are you two…” 

Marlene rolls her eyes, “He told me you asked him that already.” And then she tuts, “Honestly, don’t you think I would’ve told you by now if we were snogging?”

Lily hides the frown that threatens to twitch towards her face. Her talk with James, though leaving her feeling warm all over, has also forced Lily to face that fact that perhaps she is not such a good judge of character. “I was just wondering, that’s all.” Lily says defensively, taking a sip of butterbeer.

Marlene narrows her eyes. Everything about her is sharp, from her gaze to her eyebrows to the way her voice sounds when she’s angry. Sometimes it’s easier not to see her when Lily’s in a mood like a tornado because Marlene can pin her down with one simple word. “He’s great, but we’re friends.” She says carefully, “He gets what I’m trying to say without me having to spell it out.”

“About your family?” Lily asks though she already knows the answer. 

Marlene’s mother is a bit of a pureblood-nut. When they had been younger, Marlene rarely liked to go home for Christmas, but always did because of the boatload of younger siblings she had. Now that her parents had been “happily divorced” as she liked to say it, she was always itching to see her family. But Lily remembers with clarity the early years, back when the sadness in Marlene’s eyes still lingered, when she was still soft around the edges.

“Yeah. He’s really something if you think about it, lived in that house that practically breathes blood purity and he still managed to become _this_.” Marlene says, voice laden with admiration that she doesn’t give easily. “I don’t think I’d have been able to do it if both my parents were nutters.” 

“Heard anything about your mum lately?”

Marlene flips her hair over her shoulder, curls cascading carelessly down her back. “Apparently, if Avery’s comments are anything to go by she’s getting remarried.” 

“ _No_ ,” Lily says, surprised. Marlene had often mentioned that her mother didn’t have a loving bone in her body, so she could hardly imagine what had possessed her to marry another man. “To who?”

She shrugs, but Lily sees the tense line of her collarbones, “I dunno, some Death Eater scum, I assume.”

“Least you don’t live with her.” Lily offers feebly, wondering what it would be like to be estranged from a family member and crosses her fingers to hope that she and Petunia never fall completely down that path. 

Marlene curls her lip at the thought, disgust evident on her pretty face. “That’d be a nightmare, I can see why Sirius ran away.”

“He _what_?” Lily says, choking on her sip of butterbeer.

Marlene furrows her eyebrows. “He lives with James? I’m surprised he hasn’t told you with all that time you two spend together nowadays.”

Lily searches her mind for any conversation in which James may have let it slip, but comes up empty. “I just thought they couldn’t stand to be apart, I didn’t realize Sirius ran away. What happened?”

“I don’t know the details, he doesn’t talk about it,” Marlene replies cautiously, twirling her finger around the rim of her butterbeer. “I don’t want to betray his trust by running my mouth, but let’s just say his family is a right piece of work.”

Lily thinks back to the sheer number of times Sirius had gotten Howlers in their first and second years; always screaming about how he was disappointing the family. She remembers James’ hand rubbing Sirius’ back when students would ask Sirius what it felt like being the family’s black sheep. Remembers being shocked when quiet, little Remus Lupin had hexed Mulciber for whispering about how Regulus had been replaced by James. “That’s horrible.” She says, truly meaning it. “Poor Sirius.”

Marlene gives a wry smile, “Don’t let him catch you saying that. He’d throw a fit if he thought you were feeling sorry for him.”

Lily nods absently as Marlene starts to chatter about the latest gossip she’d overheard in the Slytherin common room. But she’s hardly listening, feeling slightly ashamed of herself. She’d always thought it was possible for good people to do bad things and she’d tried to use Sirius of all people as an example. Sirius who had been force-fed poison his entire life and still emerged brave and good and decent. Sirius who was rough around the edges, who could have done exactly what the world expected of him, but chose to say no. 

The choice, she thinks, makes all the difference. She’d tried to make excuses for Severus for _years_ , claimed that he had been polluted by the ideology of the other Slytherins. But here was the truth right in front of her; it was very possible to grow up in a hateful environment and still come out capable of compassion. She takes a sip of her butterbeer guiltily, thinking that the next time she saw Sirius she could stand to be a little kinder to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I see why JKR used to hate writing Quidditch scenes, it's not fun
> 
> Also this isn't supposed to be anti-Snape, keep in mind that the story is told from two very biased POVs; one who hates him and one who is trying to let go of him !!!


	12. us against the world

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James thinks about his friends and has a sudden burst of fondness (with just a dash of worry).

“I’m pretty sure Felicity Jones fancies you,” James says offhandedly to Remus while Professor Mostafa buzzes around them like a pixie, screaming about how important nonverbal spells are. “What d’you reckon?”

Remus just shrugs, his eyes skimming the text of his Defense Against the Dark Arts textbook, despite James knowing for a fact that Remus could do this spell in his sleep. He ignores James, much to his chagrin, so he lets his gaze roam around the classroom. He can see Sirius repeatedly jinxing Peter, not even giving him the chance to shield himself, laughing jovially while Peter lands on his bum. Lily is stifling her laughter at the sight, still somehow managing to disarm Emmeline through her giggles. 

James looks a moment longer, long enough for Lily to feel his gaze, lifting her green eyes to meet his. She slips into a familiar smile and he winks back at her. She looks pointedly at his wand and he rolls his eyes, sticking his thumb over at Remus and mouthing ‘he takes forever’. 

“Haven’t really thought about it.” Remus says finally and James reluctantly draws his gaze away from where Lily has started to tie her hair in a mess at the top of her head.

When he looks back at Remus, he remembers what his initial question was. “She’s fit,” He pushes, twirling his wand around in his hand as Remus finally closes the book and rolls up the sleeves of his robes. He slips off the desk he’s perched himself on and lazily prepares for Remus to attempt to disarm him.

“I suppose.” Remus responds, though James knows the expression of concentration is definitely more for the spell than it is for the girl. 

“C’mon, Moony,” James groans at his disinterest, “You’ve never taken a girl to Hogsmeade before and Felicity keeps asking Pete about you.”

“Maybe he can go with her then.” He shrugs back. The words are loose, but James sees the hard lines of his body, all angular like he’s trying to fold himself into a giant paper crane.

“I don’t understand why you’re being so stubborn about this.”

“James,” Remus tells him, raising his wand, “I have a problem.” He says in a scolding voice.

James scoffs, “Not everyone in the world is a bloody rabbit-hater, Remus.”

The joke has the desired effect, a tired smile rising to Remus’ lips. It had taken a long time for Sirius and he to gauge whether Remus was alright with them making jokes about his lycanthropy. But it’s easy to see now, his angles soften a little and it’s very clear that Remus is amused by their jokes. 

“Just because someone doesn’t hate something, doesn’t mean they’re prepared to love it either.” Remus says, sounding so much wiser and older than he has a right to at sixteen. His robes hang off him, the light filtering through the window making his hair look grayer than usual. But it’s not just the tired set of his shoulders or the white threads in his hair, there’s just something so distinctly sad about Remus that it makes James’ heart clench.

Contrary to popular belief, James Potter knows very well that he is a privileged, little twat, thank you very much. But it’s times like this, when he looks at Remus, brilliant, kind, surprisingly hilarious Remus who won’t even take a girl to Hogsmeade and he feels like such an entitled prick.

“Wise words, Professor,” James throws back instead of letting the melancholy creep into his voice. Remus has several lifetimes of sadness resting on his bony shoulders and James had promised a long time ago that he’d do his best to see those shoulders shake with laughter and mirth. So then he adds, mostly because he knows it’ll annoy Remus, “But I’m still right.”

“You haven’t even said anything!” Remus protests, wagging his wand pointlessly at him.

“You can’t just _never_ go out on a date!” James argues back, “Even Pete’s been on a few!” Which is kind of a mean thing to say, so he darts his gaze back to the other side of the room, but thankfully Peter is still preoccupied with trying to cast a shield charm.

Remus watches his concerned gaze and rolls his eyes, unimpressed. “I’m perfectly happy the way things are.” He says and James hears the message loud and clear; _I already have more than I ever thought I would_.

“That’s so boring, Moony.” He sighs, looking at Lily cast a perfect shield charm, “At this rate, you’ll never get snogged.”

“That’s already happened,” Remus replies, disgruntlement evident on his pallid face, “You took care of that.”

“That sounds like I snogged you.” James says, snorting at the thought. It had taken so much firewhiskey to get Remus to join in on a game of Spin the Bottle in fourth year. And then tilts his head, “Although, I’m sure that would’ve been more enjoyable than Pene—”

“Mr Potter! Mr Lupin!” Mostafa bursts out, waddling over to the pair of them, dark eyebrows narrowed so tightly that they merge with his eyelids. “If you’re chatting away, am I to presume you have already mastered nonverbal spells?”

“Of course, your teaching made it ever-so simple.” James says, taking a leaf out of Lily’s book and subtly mocking the Professor rather than outright insulting him. “Here, Moony, have a go at me, we’ll demonstrate.”

Remus’ lips twitch, but he smooths his expression back into neutral quickly enough. If Sirius was his partner, James is sure that he’d hit him with a powerful hex, probably the Bat-bogey. If it was Peter, he’d go for something painless, but humorous like the tickling jinx. But, Remus has always been good at Defense and rather adamant at taking it seriously, he would use _Expelliarmus_. So as he flourishes his wand, James’ casts his _Protego_ before Remus has even finished moving his wrist. 

The telltale red flash of light emits from Remus’ wand, but the shield is already surrounding James, rendering it useless. Neither of them had moved their lips. Mostafa looks begrudgingly pleased, awarding them five points to Gryffindor before assigning the class practice for homework. 

James grins cheekily at Remus, pulling his stuff into his rucksack before thumping him on the back as the class is dismissed. “You are so lucky he’s too much of an idiot to notice your rudeness.” Remus tells him, shaking his head as though he’s not smiling.

“He’s a prick.” James says simply.

Remus rolls his eyes, pulling his bag onto his shoulders, the two of them moving in tandem towards the exit. “Just because he has a vendetta against werewolves—”

“ _Just?_ ” James snaps, irritation flying in his belly, most of it at Mostafa, but a little at Remus too for being such a pushover. “C’mon, Remus, that’s reason enough.”

“What’re we blabbering about?” Peter says, sliding up to the pair of them, inching on James’ periphery.

Sirius approaches from behind and Remus and James automatically part to allow him to slot between them. “How James loathes Mostafa because he’s afraid of werewolves.” Remus says offhandedly. At his friends’ outraged expressions, he just rolls his eyes, “Oh come off it, most people are.”

Sirius exchanges a glance with James, then extends an arm to wrap around Remus’ shoulders, knocking them together. When they’re out at full moons, Padfoot is the only one who can keep up with the wolf, always nudging and playing with him and it’s spilled over into their human personas. It makes James smile, seeing Remus letting loose like that, if only for a few moments of wrestling and rough-housing.

For a while, after the prank that Sirius had tried to pull on Snape, there had been a strange tension in the dormitory. Remus was never the yelling, punching, overdramatic kind, that was more James’ forté. He never even said a word to Sirius about how he felt, but James could read the betrayal in his eyes clearly. He’d like to think that Remus forgave Sirius because he has such a big heart, but he suspects it has more to do with wanting to keep him as a friend. It’s not everyday Sirius Black turns into an Animagus for you after all.

“How can they be scared of werewolves when they look as ridiculous as you, Moony?” Sirius says, shaking Remus as they walk.

James nods along, pinching his face into a scholarly expression he’s sure he’s seen on McGonagall. “Honestly, you fold your underpants, there’s nothing scary about you.”

Remus huffs out a laugh, eyes crinkling in the light. Peter shakes his head seriously, “Mostafa’s a tosser, Remus.” Then he looks at James before telling Remus for the millionth time in the last two weeks, “By the way, Felicity—”

“Wants to know if you’re going to Hogsmeade with anyone!” James and Sirius chorus loudly, making several people in the halls throw nasty looks at them.

Remus doesn’t even think about it, just flutters his eyelids at them exaggeratedly, “You can tell her I’ve got three very clingy dates.”

“You should go with her. It’d do you some good.” Sirius tells him, looking at James like _can you believe this guy?_

“Will you guys drop it already?” Remus snaps tiredly, “There’s no future there.”

Peter frowns, “No one’s asking you to make puppies with her,” That is such a Peter thing to say, always so envious when his friends received female attention, “one date wouldn’t kill you.”

“There’s no future, Pete, I’m not going to lead her on.” Remus tells him pointedly, looking over James towards Peter, no part of his gaze amused.

“Alright, what’s in the future then, O Great Seer?” James mocks, wiggling his fingers at him as he’s sure he’s seen the Divination professor do at least once.

Remus shrugs his shoulders. “I reckon there’ll be a lot of unemployment and proving to Dumbledore that I’m not a ‘savage half-breed that wants to eat children’.” 

James almost trips over his own feet at the casual way Remus delivers the words. He’s subscribed to the _Daily Prophet_ , he’s seen the horrendous things some werewolves who’ve aligned themselves with Voldemort have done, but that’s… that’s not Remus, could never be Remus. He opens his mouth to say say so, but stops himself after Sirius gives him a warning glare; despite running around with a werewolf once a month, he’s never had to face the consequences of being one.

Remus is too sharp not to notice the poignant silence that they’re in, his golden eyes searching James for something he’s not sure he can provide. He wants to burst out and tell him ‘you could never be unemployed, you ten OWLS-earning nerd!’ but the words feel like lies so he chokes them before they make it out through his teeth. “Children would taste terrible.” Remus says finally when it seems like the rest of them aren’t going to say anything. 

James laughs, but it feels hollow when it rings through the corridor.  
/  
Lily still insists on going outside. Their friendship had been forged, not in fire, but in the brutal winters of the Scottish Highlands. It’s convenient that she knows such a good warming charm, otherwise he’s sure they’d have frozen their extremities by now. She’s also provided a large, blue and white, checkered blanket for them to spread themselves and their things on. James himself, has provided little jars of warm, blue flames to keep to their sides; a kind of magic that makes Lily’s eyes twinkle. 

He’s in the middle of taking a bite out of a Muggle chocolate, called Kit-Kat (which is rather good) when he spots Snape somewhere across the grounds. His robes blow out behind him making him look like a bat. With his pale features and his bat-like appearance, James and Sirius had started a rumor that Snape was actually a vampire back in second year. The rumors still haven’t died down. 

James would like nothing more than to jinx Snape into oblivion simply for how upset he’d made Lily a few weeks ago, but he’s sure it would upset Lily even more. “This is pretty good, Evans. I mean it’s no Honeydukes, but I’d eat it.” He reviews (though it might actually give Honeydukes a run for their money), once he swallows the bite of the Kit-Kat, carefully keeping Lily’s gaze trained on him. If she turns even a little bit away from how she’s laying down, he’s sure she’ll spot Snape, Avery and Mulciber lurking around. 

Lily glances up from her pile of sweets and wrinkles her nose at his hands. “Merlin, if my dad saw you eating a Kit-Kat like that, he’d faint.” She wrestles the chocolate out from his hands, laughing lightly at the bite marks he’s made across the whole thing. “See these little lines? You’re supposed to break it like this,” Lily breaks the chocolate into four individual pieces, “You eat them one at a time, not all at once like a Hippogriff.”

“That’s needlessly complicated,” James says, accepting one of the broken pieces nonetheless. 

“N.E.W.T. level Transfiguration you can do in your sleep, but Muggle chocolate is where things get complicated?” She replies, raising an eyebrow in wry disbelief. 

“I’m a special boy,” He winks back at her, opening his mouth to say something else when he spots Peter solemnly walking the grounds. “Oi, Wormtail!”

Surprisingly, Peter doesn’t immediately start grinning, but he does make it over to the willow tree he and Lily are sprawled under. “Hey, Prongs, Lily.”

“What’s wrong, Peter?” Lily asks concernedly, sitting up from where she was laying down. 

Peter looks at James warily, putting a hand in his robes to pull out a crumpled looking letter. It’s in his mother’s handwriting. _Please let Mr and Mrs Pettigrew be okay_. “It’s my mum,” He says despondently, there’s a beat in which James’ stomach starts to free fall, “Er—she’s alright,” Peter says hastily, catching sight of their stricken expressions, “Just worried. She wants to get out of England.”

“There have been a lot more attacks lately,” Lily says quietly, patting an empty part of the blanket. Peter sits gratefully, holding his hands in front of one of the flame jars. 

“She wants me to enroll at Durmstrang,” Peter shakes his head at James, “Me at Durmstrang! I’d be eaten alive.”

“Hey!” James protests, heart sinking at the thought of Hogwarts without Peter, “You can’t just leave us! What’re we going to do without you?”

Peter beams gratefully at him, but continues to clutch his letter in a vice-like grip. He’s always been a little nervous, a little more scared about getting caught in their shenanigans, it always brings out a protective surge in James. “She’s just worried that I’m going to get stupid ideas, hanging around…”

He leaves the sentence hanging, but it doesn’t exactly take an Auror to crack that code. He exchanges a glance with Lily who looks sad, but unsurprised. “Stupid ideas like fighting in the war?” She asks, voicing the question James is reluctant to. 

“Yeah,” He answers sheepishly, avoiding James’ eye, “She knows how James and Sirius are. And Remus isn’t one to just ignore things either, so…”

“She thinks we’ll drag you into the war,” James finishes for him, making Peter flinch at his words. 

“She likes you guys, she really does,” He reassures hastily, blue eyes fearful. “She’s just worried about me.”

James waves a hand in the air. “It’s alright, Wormtail,” His father had never stopped James from voicing his future plans, but James has always been a bit of an outlier when it comes to his friends. “You know we’d never force you to come with us, right?”

A strange thing happens to Peter’s expression just then, almost like he’s angry at James’ words. But it’s gone just as quickly as it arrives and he says, “I know that, but I’m going.” He insists, “The four of us have agreed to get out there, I’m not going to just… back out.”

Lily hasn’t said a word, but James flashes his eyes towards her quickly. She gives him an encouraging smile, turning away to press a comforting hand on Peter’s shoulder. “My parents are worried too, and they’re Muggles so they hardly understand what’s going on.” 

James can’t imagine what it’s like to have to explain this war to Muggle parents. Lily isn’t the type to make someone needlessly worry and considering how fond she is of her parents, he doubts she’s told them much. 

“If you want,” James turns to Peter, wanting the feeble shake of his lip to disappear, “My dad could talk to your mum, ease her worries a bit?”

Turns out it’s the right thing to say because Peter beams, nodding along, his grip on the letter much looser now. James watches the it crumple under his fingers and notices there are smudges across it like someone had cried while composing it.  
/  
James lays on his back, staring at the underside of the Quidditch stands, his friends all doing the same in a circle. Last year he would’ve been absently watching the Snitch fly above their heads but he’d be too distracted to catch it now. Sirius is humming loudly, the sound traveling annoyingly melodious through his ears. He can hear Peter pulling the grass out from under him, letting it fly in the March winds. He can’t see, but he’d bet his broomstick that Remus has his eyes closed.

These are his best friends in the world, but a little part of him wonders what he would do if they had a falling out like Lily and Snape. He shakes his head, their friendship is much stronger than anything Snivellus could’ve been a part of. The war is coming at an unrelenting pace and he has a strange feeling that these days of laughter are numbered. But today, this cold, March day, with the wind blowing and the night falling, James surrounded by his friends, this day is still theirs, the war cannot steal it yet. 

He lets out a laugh, “You remember when we were younger and we said that once we left school we’d open up a detective agency, or was it a—”

“Bookshop?” Peter offers.

“Prank store?” Remus suggests.

“Lingerie boutique?” Sirius says.

They burst into simultaneous bouts of laughter, all having spoken in unison. James snorts, “That last one was probably not our best plan, mates.”

“Why’re you thinking bout it?” Peter asks.

James hums absently, looking at the stairs above him. So many people have carved words into the wooden planks. C+D and Ravenclaw Rules! And even a Class of ‘46. “Just reminiscing.” He says finally, “How we’ve gotten so mature.”

“Mature and you?” Remus asks in quiet disbelief.

“Fuck off, I’m plenty mature.” Sirius turns his head to give James an incredulous look, “Well, when I have to be.” He corrects hastily, “It’s strange how our futures look nothing like we planned, isn’t it?”

“No more Puddlemere for you?” Peter says despite knowing the answer very well. McGonagall herself had told him last year that he could play pro-Quidditch if he so desired. For a while, it had seemed so exciting to be playing the sport he loved so much as a living, but it had started to feel selfish and pointless once his mother had died. 

“Nah,” James replies grinning to himself, “I just hope they can beat the Ballycastle Bats without me.”

“I’m sure they’ll live, Prongs,” Sirius says absently, “I can’t believe my dreams of starting a Muggle looking restaurant are dead. My mother’s going to think I straightened out.”

“I’m sure she’s not senile enough to think you’re well-behaved.” Remus assures, stretching his hand out blindly to pat Sirius on the shoulder. 

Peter nods along, voice serious, “You disappointing your parents is one of the few constants of life, Sirius.”

Sirius lets out a bark of laughter, “That and the way James fawns over Lily.” There’s a pause in which James can predict what Sirius is going to say before it leaves his lips. If he’s being honest, he thought of the same joke. “Get it, _fawns_?”

The three of them laugh, but Remus recovers fast enough to complain, “That was so bad!” But that just sends then into further laughter, bright and childlike. This is the oldest they’ve ever been, James thinks, but he’s glad they’re still as attached together now as they were when they were eleven. McGonagall had once accused them of using permanent sticking charms to lock their shoulders together.

James rolls himself to a sitting position, glad for the warming charm because evening is settling in. He wrestles his wand out of his pocket, sudden affection for his friends bubbling in his chest. “I reckon a lot of things will change when we get out there.” They look up at him, but don’t budge from their sleeping positions. He stretches out his hand to brush his fingers against the carvings the students before them have made. He smiles at all the messages and lifts his wand to start scribbling something himself. “But it’s always going to be something like this, isn’t it?” He breathes out, concentration careful against his wand. His handwriting isn’t pretty like Sirius’ but he’d like for it to be legible. “Four of us against the world?”

“Hmm.” Remus says and James twists around to look at his friends all lying on the ground in an odd triangle formation, incomplete without him joining them. In a sudden burst, he’s filled with a yellow fondness for everything; Remus’ amused lips, Sirius’ raised eyebrows, Peter’s wide-eyed gaze, all of them such staple expressions. He wants to remember them forever. He moves his head a little so they can see the carving he’s made. 

_I solemnly swear that we were up to no good (1977)_

“Think we can take the whole world on, lads?” Remus asks, eyes crinkling with so much mirth that James doesn’t even have to pretend the tired lines of his forehead are from happiness, they actually are this time. 

Sirius smirks, rising to a sitting position, his leather jacket taut around his shoulders. “They’ve never seen the likes of us.” James grins at him, offering his hand to pull him to his feet, clapping their chests together in a quick embrace.

“Us against the world.” Peter echoes, sounding very much like he thinks it is a fantastical dream.

“I mean it.” James says firmly, not in the mood for any arguments. Peter’s expression softens a fraction, his blue eyes a little watery. He looks at the rest of them; Sirius at his side, Remus sitting up and Peter looking up at him from his sleeping position. “I solemnly swear that I will stand by the people I love, that’s you lot if I didn’t make it clear enough, until the day that I die.”

Sirius lets out a bark of laughter so reminiscent of Padfoot that James half-expects to see the dog next to him. But instead, it’s just Sirius giving him a mocking look. “I didn’t realize we were getting married.” He stretches out a hand to pull Peter to his feet, the two of them laughing. “I haven’t even got my veil.”

“I would’ve showered.” Peter shakes his head, though he’s smiling with Sirius.

The two of them offer a hand each to Remus who accepts gratefully, clasping his palms with them and rising. They crouch under the stands, all but Peter who is short enough to avoid head trauma. “I would’ve gotten us some rings.” Remus says, nudging James with his elbow.

James complains loudly, “Have I mentioned I hate you all?” But he’s grinning, and even this ridiculous teasing is something he never wants to give up.

“Nah, you just said you loved us.” Peter coos.

“Don’t worry, Prongs, we’ll let you cling to us forever.” Remus mocks him, making James tackle the man into a hug so hard he lets out a wheeze.

“Merlin knows no one’s going to marry you.” Sirius says well… seriously, clapping James on the back. “Suppose we’ll have to take one for the team.”

They descend into laughter once more, all of them coming together in a mass tangle of limbs. James falls halfway to the ground, Sirius’ elbow jabbing his cheek, Remus’ arms tangled with his, Peter’s head under his armpit. Though they all climb on top of him, quickly trapping him under a dogpile, he has a distinct feeling that none of them completely believe him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love writing about the Marauders, their friendship is always so complex. Their fate is so tragic, but I'd like to think they had beautiful days like this.
> 
> I'm going on vacation so the next chapter won't be up as quickly as usual ! Sorry about that ! But up next: things fall into disarray, and to everyone's surprise, James Potter is the voice of reason


	13. the beginning of the end

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which, the world is not kind, but some people just might be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don’t worry, despite the title, we are a long ways away from the end

April is not kind. 

Exam season is almost upon them; Lily, Remus and Emmeline rarely have a study afternoon alone, all the Gryffindors usually coming to the library for review sessions. Sirius is a natural at almost any spell he happens to see and James is a whiz at Transfiguration, so Remus and she don’t have to scramble to explain McGonagall’s homework to Emmeline. They sit for hours on end, pouring over textbooks, only James with his ridiculous jokes and charming of Madame Pince’s robes breaking Lily’s concentration. 

On top of that, Petunia announces that she is engaged. Lily makes the less than wise decision to voice her great displeasure. Petunia writes back a nasty letter about how she can’t believe Lily can be so selfish and cruel. It sours an already sour relationship, their parents trying to placate both girls without trying to choose a side. Privately, her father tells her he can’t believe Tuney is choosing to marry Vernon either. Lily hasn’t received a single letter from home since her father’s and it serves to put a scowl on her face even while she tutors nervous, second years. 

And if that isn’t bad enough, she and James had been practicing—alright practicing is a stretch, but still at least doing Transfiguration on nearby animals; specifically a tiny, barn owl they hadn’t realized was a student’s. Of course, the student in question was one that James had less than cordial ties with, resulting in a tattle to Professor Slughorn, who had at least seemed very sorry to give them a week’s worth of detention. Honestly, they’d only turned the owl into a tiny Muggle airplane and turned it back almost immediately after realizing who the owl belonged to. 

And to add to the horrendous sundae that is her April, the cherry on top comes in the form of the  _ Daily Prophet’s  _ headline the second week. SIX MUGGLES FOUND DEAD blazed at the top of their newspapers, the dark mark floating ominously above a homey-looking cottage. April, which was looking bleak, plummets into darkness far deeper than exams or Petunia could ever hope to cause. The town, Ripon, was barely a thirty minute drive from where the Evans family resided. 

The fear must show on her face because Peter leans over and asks gently, “Did you know them?”

The Great Hall is quiet, the only noise emitting from the Slytherin table. No one else wants to be caught shouting or laughing or even remotely looking like they’re having a good time. So it’s easy for the rest to hear what Peter has said. Sirius, James and Remus look over with identical looks of concern on their faces and speak in unison, “What’s happened?”

Emmeline squeezes her hand under the table as Lily stares at the plate of eggs in front of her. She’s never felt less hungry in her life. “She doesn’t know them,” Emmeline assures.

“But?” Sirius pushes, the usual fire in his eyes emphasized by his worry. 

Lily squeezes Emmeline’s hand back as a silent thank you. “It’s just very close to where I live.” She admits, absently scraping her fork against the golden bowl. “It could’ve very easily been my family.”

When she finally lifts her gaze to look at them, hoping with all her might to not see pity, she finds their four expressions all morphed into righteous indignation. A little part of her finds it funny, how they all seem to be on the same page. 

“It’s horrible,” Remus speaks alone when it almost seems like they’re going to chorus together again. “My mother is terrified too, and my father hasn’t spared her the details. Have you thought about telling your family?” 

His prodding is gentle, like it has been the last thirty times he’s asked her the same question. Her answer is tired as always. “I don’t want them to live in a constant state of fear.” She thinks of Petunia, “And, I don’t want them to…”

_ Hate me even more _ she almost says, but bites her tongue so she doesn’t spread melancholy on all their breakfasts.

But the look in Sirius’ eye is knowing when he smiles sadly at her. They seem to be on the same page of loving their families (part of it for him) despite their many disagreements. After her conversation with Marlene, she’d tried her best to rid her mind of all the stupid things she’d thought she’d known about Sirius Black. In doing so, she’d found an unlikely kindred soul in him. “Worry.” He finishes pointedly, not voicing her true fears. She flashes him a grateful smile in response. 

The rest of breakfast is a quiet affair, none of them quite knowing what to say to make anyone feel better. Lily prefers it this way. She wouldn’t have liked to hear empty placations. She likes the feeling of Remus and Emmeline’s shoulders against hers, takes comfort in the way James smiles at her. Peter and Sirius are quiet too, allowing everyone the space to breathe. And she finds, she much prefers this silent show of solidarity. 

“I’ll meet you in Astronomy, Lil,” Emmeline says once she’s done pretending like she’s eating. “I’ve got to ask Marlene about our Runes homework.”

Lily nods, though she wishes Emmeline would walk with her. The corridors leading up to the Astronomy tower are littered with Slytherins that like to call Lily slurs. If it were that alone, she’d manage it, but sometimes Severus is there too and it makes her stomach churn angrily to see him standing by while his friends throw rocks at her. Today would be worse than usual, she’s sure, with the news. She grips the strap of her bag tightly, brushing nonexistent crumbs from her skirt. She would find comfort in memories of her birthday, the careless fun they’d had; competing to see who could get the most bounces off the ground (Peter got six), Marlene and Em kissing her cheeks in their happiness, the box of chocolates the boys had given her, James and his endearing, awkward smile. 

Lily nods to herself, already feeling more prepared in case she runs into Severus. “You lot go on,” James is saying to his friends, “I—er—wanna talk to Evans about something.” His eyes stutter over to her and she can read the lie cleanly in his shifty gaze, she’s sure the boys can too

“ _ Suuuure _ ,” Sirius says, winking so obviously that Lily would see it even if she wasn’t looking at him, “Talking.”

Remus and Peter look as though they’re about to join in on James’ teasing, but she flashes them a patented glare and they shepherd Sirius out of his seat instead. James’ cheeks are a little red, even his nose and she smiles despite herself. 

“To what do I owe the pleasure?” She asks when he’s gathered his things and stood up. 

“Er—just thought I’d give you company?” The end of his sentence quirks up, his voice cracking in a way reminiscent of their third year when Lily laughed almost every time he raised his voice. 

She hums pointedly, starts walking in tandem with him, their robes brushing together. “And it has nothing to do with all the nasty people I happen to see on the way to class?”

He smiles sheepishly at her, lifting one tan hand to ruffle the back of his hair. Funny, how once she had thought it was infuriating how attractive he must’ve thought it made him, and even more infuriating that it actually did. But now, she sees it’s more out of nerves than anything else and that warms Lily’s chest more than she’s willing to admit. 

“I’m not trying to be—what did you call it? Your pureblood savior? I just thought—well maybe that, if Em wasn’t coming along, that—er—”

Lily has half a mind to let him keep stammering. A blubbering James Potter is a rare sight and he looks rather adorable with his hands flying about; from his hair to fix his glasses then wringing out in front of him. But he’s also turning steadily more red and she interrupts for the sake of not having him faint. “I’m glad you’re walking me to class, James.” He smiles at her, the sunset taking place in his cheeks slowly ebbing away. “You don’t have to be so nervous, you know. We’re good friends by now.” Lily reassures as they turn through her usual corridor. 

He grins at her just then, a little smug, but mostly charming and wiggles his fingers at her. “I know, but it’s the Lily Evans Effect.” He looks at her, the sunlight coming in from the corridors to shine on him, and even behind the smudges of his glasses she can make out the affection in his eyes. She’s so caught up in smiling at him, she hardly notices the sneering looks people are throwing at her. With James at her side, for the first time, the whispers don’t sound quite so menacing.

/

When Lily was younger, she and Petunia would stay up all night and raid their mother’s makeup drawer. Their tiny, unpracticed hands had spilled gloss on their bedsheets and red lipstick across their cheeks. They’d come out looking more like clowns than beauty queens. But it had felt beautiful, a childish kind of beautiful when none of the makeup stains or mother’s scoldings could’ve tainted the fun they’d shared. 

It’s been years, but those sleepovers are some of the fondest memories Lily has of Petunia. Their relationship had tangled so quickly once Severus came into her life that she hardly remembers a time when they  _ weren’t  _ cross with one another. And now that her friendship with Severus has crumbled, it feels much worse to have lost her relationship with Petunia too. 

She’s never really mentioned this to anyone, opting to keep the broken pieces of her family hidden in her robes. But somehow, her friends always know. Emmeline always squeezes her hand whenever Tuney is brought up, the silent show of solidarity unobtrusive enough that Lily can pretend she hardly even cares about her tumultuous relationship with her sister. Marlene on the other hand, revels in bitching about Petunia, allowing Lily to play with her meaner urges to tease her sister. And now, more than ever, after her and Tuney’s disastrous last communication, her friends have been going above and beyond. 

Though they often liked to dress up together and apply make up, Marlene always smacked their hands away when the Gryffindor girls tried to get near her. But an hour ago, she’d sauntered into the girls’ dorm, dropped a massive pile of cosmetics on Emmeline’s bed, flung herself onto Lily’s lap and said, “Have your way with me!”

Although Marlene might be the complete opposite of Petunia, Lily feels a familiar, childish joy bubbling in her chest. 

The squeals let out after that were loud enough to warrant a noise complaint, but they were too elated to care. Marlene is now sitting cross-legged on Lily’s four poster as she, Emmeline and Mary hover in front of her. All of them giggling and passing each other brushes or glosses as Marlene valiantly tries to stay still. 

“Oooh,” Emmeline coos from Lily’s left side, “Try the gold one!”

Lily picks up the golden eyeshadow Emmeline had suggested and a soft brush. She curves light gold onto half of her eyelid and then tries her best to blend it with a darker bronze. She highlights Marlene’s arched brows and the result is something to marvel at. “Marly,” she sighs, pinching her cheeks, “You look so pretty!”

“I can’t believe you bother with doing all this by hand,” Marlene says instead of thanking her. Her back is against Lily’s pillows, blonde hair pulled into two pigtails that fall down to her waist. “Using a wand is so much faster.”

“But this is much more fun!” Mary laughs back, brown hair falling out of her hasty bun. Lily agrees with her; the only thing that can give James Potter a run for his money in the task of cheering her up is a good few hours with her girls.

Emmeline pulls Lily away from their canvas, plopping herself into Marlene’s lap to begin on her eyeliner. “Merlin, Em,” Marlene huffs, hands resting on Emmeline’s thighs, “Give me a warning, would you?”

Emmeline doesn’t answer, too focused on applying the eyeliner correctly. Lily and Mary share an amused glance; purebloods and their ineptitude with simple tasks would never fail to make them laugh. But Emmeline has learned over the years, her steady hand coming to form two beautiful, if slightly uneven, wings around Marlene’s blue eyes. It’s rather heavy makeup, with the plum lips and the golden eyeshadow, Marlene looks like she’s ready for a night on the town if she wasn’t wearing an oversized band t-shirt ( _ The Amortentians, _ which Lily despises).

“We’re done,” Lily announces, sitting down on the balls of her feet, watching Marlene flutter her eyes open. She conjures a mirror, twisting her face back and forth at their handiwork. Her cheekbones are high and her eyelids are glittery, Lily exchanges a look with the other girls in anticipation. 

“Hm,” she says finally, voice laced with something like satisfaction, “I suppose this is well done.”

“Oh you  _ suppose _ ,” Mary mocks, imitating Marlene’s posh voice, “Thank you, your highness.” Marlene only shoots her a glittering smile, looking pretty enough to be a Veela for a moment.

Lily smiles at her friends, utterly content to be crowding up her bed with the four of them, limbs entangled together. With the curtains drawn closed around them and an almost too-hot feeling descending on their sweaty limbs, Lily feels an odd urge to shed a tear or two. “You lot are the best.” Lily tells them sincerely, leaning over to put her arms around Emmeline and Mary. She blows a kiss at Marlene who is pulled face to face, barely a centimeter away, with Lily by Emmeline’s movements. 

There must be some law about only being allowed momentary happiness if it is evened out by catastrophe because just then, Remus’ voice calls out loudly to them. “Could you guys come down here!” His voice is thick with concern and Lily only has a moment to exchange glances with the rest before climbing out of bed. They all rush down the stairs of the dormitory, all clad in nighties and shorts, despite it hardly being four o’clock. Sirius and James don’t even crack a joke about their attire which only goes to show how dire the situation must be. 

“Good,” James breathes out a huff of relief, automatically taking a step towards them. He places a gentle hand on Lily’s shoulder, his hair messier than usual like he’s spent hours pulling at it. “You’re here.”

“We thought it might be you and Mary,” Peter explains because James is too busy looking at Lily as though she’s going to disappear. 

Lily’s blood runs cold. She jerks herself away from James to whirl around and press closer to Peter. He takes a startled step backwards, colliding with one of the sofas and looks around helplessly at his friends. “ _ What  _ might be me and Mary?”

“We overheard McGonagall and Flitwick talking,” Sirius says after a worried glance from Peter, leaning his back against the sofa, his voice soft enough not to draw attention from the rest of the common room. It’s still littered with heaps of people that could overhear any minute. “Apparently, two Muggle-born students have had… a bit of an incident.”

“An incident?” Lily repeats incredulously, “What exactly happened?” She takes a step closer to Sirius, daring him to hold back. 

He holds up his hands in defense, but keeps his feet firmly planted. “We don’t know, honestly.”

“We just assumed the worst,” Remus murmurs quietly, looking back and forth between Lily and Mary with an expression of intense relief. 

The warmth Lily had been feeling upstairs has been seeped out of her body. She glances towards Mary who looks ashen, her grey eyes stuttering around the room. She looks about as nauseous as Lily feels. “Give me your cloak.” She demands, turning to James. 

He doesn’t even blink at her request. “It’s upstairs, I’ll go grab it for us.” And he sprints across the common room and disappears into the boys’ dormitory. 

Marlene grabs her elbow tightly, long nails digging into her skin. “You’re really going to just go looking for what’s happened?”

“Who knows what they’ll tell us?” Lily fires back, tugging her arm angrily away from Marlene’s grasp. There’s a dryness in her throat and if Lily chooses to be angry then she can pretend it’s from rage. “Maybe they’ll hush it all up.”

“Lily.” Emmeline whispers worriedly, “Are you sure it’s such a good idea to be lurking around like that?”

“I’m a Prefect, Em, it’s not exactly lurking.”

“You’re going under an invisibility cloak.” Marlene deadpans, raising a beautiful blonde brow. 

“Let her go.” Mary says finally and the three of them turn slightly to look at her. Her voice is soft, but her gaze is steady when she meets Lily’s eyes. “Tell me what you find.”

“You don’t want to come with?” Lily asks, softening the sharp edges of her voice once more. 

“No… I don’t think I could stand to see whatever it is that happened.” Mary tells her, a sad smile gracing her lips. Although Lily understands, a small part of her wishes Mary would come; she’s the only one who would understand. But she does her best not to let her disappointment show, only nodding absently. 

James appears just as quickly as he had left, invisibility cloak tight in his hands. “You ready to go?” He asks, holding gently to Lily’s elbow with one warm palm. 

She nods at him. He turns to his friends, giving a hasty salute. None of them look remotely surprised at the fact he’s coming with Lily. Perhaps they’re too accustomed to his rule-breaking tendencies. Their friends walk them to the portrait hole, all whispering to be careful. Remus squeezes her shoulder tightly before James throws the cloak over the two of them, concern etched in his golden eyes. 

She and James walk in silence. It’s a first in their friendship, their time together usually littered with laughter and shouting. But, despite herself Lily feels comfortable, safe even, under the warmth of the invisibility cloak and James’ arm just almost around her shoulders. They make their way to the hospital wing, figuring the incident would've likely resulted in a visit to Madame Pomfrey. They don’t rush, mostly because Lily is taking small, fearful steps, but James doesn’t comment on it, just slows his strides for her. 

When they creep closer to the entrance to the hospital wing, she presses a finger to her lips. James nods, face barely a few centimeters away from her. The door is closed, so Lily tries for an  _ Alohomora  _ charm, clenching her teeth tightly together when it doesn’t work. James reaches out a hand to wave hers down, picking out what looks like a knife from his pocket. He mouths ‘Sirius’ knife’ at her before wrestling it into the keyhole. They stand there barely a moment before the door clicks open and they slide smoothly inside. 

Professor McGonagall is sitting on one of the infirmary beds, a hand pressed to her temple. Her hair is loose around her shoulders, the first time Lily’s ever seen it that way. But what strikes her the most is the lines around her eyes and how even from this far she can make out the tension in her shoulders. She twists her head towards the door opening. Professor Dumbledore stands to her left, a comforting hand rubbing McGonagall’s shoulder. His gaze falls towards the door and Lily swears for a moment lingers on her and James. But he just waves a dismissive hand at McGonagall and then at the door to shut it tightly behind them once more. 

“I can’t believe it, Albus,” McGonagall is saying, voice filled with disgust. “Last year it was Mary MacDonald and now Rory Spinnet?” Lily feels James tense next to her, protective instinct of his Quidditch teammates arising. “How many more students from my house?”

Lily and James both search the hospital wing with their eyes, but it’s empty. There aren’t even any partitions around any of the beds. Wherever the victims are, it isn’t here. 

“I’m sorry, Minerva. I know how difficult this is.” Dumbledore says quietly, a distinct hardness in his voice that Lily isn’t used to hearing from the usually jovial, old man. 

“What am I to tell the students about this? The rumor mill will be saying all sorts of things.” McGonagall asks, wringing her fingers together in front of her. She and James dare to creep a little closer as the conversation has taken a softer tone. Lily’s hands sweat from where she’s holding the cloak, her lip almost bleeding from how she’s gnawing on it. 

“The truth.” Dumbledore says simply, “As much of it you deem appropriate. It is sometimes more cruel to try and shield them from the horror of the world despite your best intentions.” Then he releases his hand from McGonagall’s shoulder and instructs her in his effortlessly commanding voice. “Please tell Filius that Miss Harris will be alright as well.”

But McGonagall doesn’t seem to be in a mood to listen to orders. “Yes, yes, Poppy has done a brilliant job, but it was hardly a physical attack, was it?” Lily narrows her eyes, surely that’s a good thing? “Petrifying them and then dangling her from the ceiling in a school skirt! It’s disgusting!”

Lily lets out a tiny gasp, her own mind echoing McGonagall’s sentiments, she wants to reach for her wand, for any semblance of comfort. James’ hand slips into hers, squeezing it tightly, sensation even more consoling. She blinks tightly but she’s too disturbed, too shocked for tears to come. Students in school, students Lily’s age are capable of such cruelty. The thought churns her stomach. 

“I assure you the assailants will have very severe consequences if they are found.” Dumbledore reassures, his voice sharp once more. His concern for his students is one of the things Lily likes most about him. “I myself will be searching for the culprits with the clues Mr Spinnet and Miss Harris have provided.”

Lily’s mind starts running a mile a minute hardly hearing anything else Dumbledore and McGonagall say. There are a fair number of Muggle-norms in the school, but it’s only a matter of time until they attack Lily. The thought is selfish, but Lily feels fear creep into her heart, her hand shaking in James’. 

Muggle-borns are just like them, she wants to say. Why should they have to prove their magic? Why do teenagers have to worry about things any more stressful than homework and exams? James’ hand is pulling Lily gently, guiding her back out from the hospital wing, not caring if anyone notices the door moving. They move barely two corridors away before James pulls the cloak off them. Lily leans against the wall, trying to catch her breath. 

He steps in close to her, the smell of soap and something like woodlands overcoming her senses. She looks up at him, a somber expression on his usually cheerful face. “Remember when you told me it was okay to lash out?” He says gently. His voice is so sweet, so tender that Lily could draw up a Patronus just from thinking about the affection in his eyes. “You can too. If you want to hit someone or cry or scream, I’m right here, Lily.”

Her lip is wobbling so badly, she’s sure James can see it. She wants to spill her worries, to be comforted by his smile. But she can’t, something that resides in the deepest depths of her heart, like her own personal Boggart doesn’t allow her to. James is far too good to be true; pureblood boys with all the money in the world would never get their hands dirty in this war. And Lily is drenched in this war, he can’t touch her without getting dirty himself. And in the last few months, she’s grown so fond of him that just the thought of his laughter makes her smile. She can’t sacrifice that. 

“No, I’m—I’m fine.” She lies thinly, looking away from his earnest expression. She knows if she meets his gaze, he’ll read the lie in her eyes and she’ll see hurt in his. So she doesn’t look, only tugs his arm forward and pulls them back towards the Gryffindor common room. 

Only, when they approach their floor, the corridors that lead to their common room are filled with shouting. James and Lily exchange a wary glance before speeding up, their gaze landing very quickly on an unsettling sight. 

Marlene and Sirius, both of whom don’t have a rational bone in their bodies, are in the middle of what looks like a screaming match in the corridor leading to the Gryffindor common room. Avery, Mulciber and Flint are all laughing, Lily can hear ‘mudblood’ and ‘Evans’ being thrown around. It’s only a small mercy that Severus isn’t among them. She couldn’t stand to see him there. It’s a miracle that though their wands are drawn, no spells seem to have been cast. Remus, Emmeline, and Peter are slightly off to the side, but they don’t look happy either, all their faces pulled into scowls with varying degrees of disgust. 

Lily and James start sprinting towards their friends, knowing automatically to reach Marlene and Sirius first. A bit rich of Marlene to be lecturing her about sneaking off to find out what happened when she’s busy almost getting into brawls, Lily thinks to herself. 

“CALL HER BY HER NAME, YOU DISGUSTING CRETIN!” Marlene is screeching, her beautiful makeup making her look like an avenging angel. Sirius is at her side, not bothering to hold Marlene back from getting into Avery’s face. But Avery is large and muscled, towering over Marlene, his wand is held carelessly towards her and a smirk crawls to his features when his gaze lands on Lily. 

“I don’t have to call her anything, McKinnon,” Avery drawls, cold eyes still focused on Lily. “In a few years she’ll be nothing but another dead mudblood.”

It’s silly, but she’s never been afraid of Avery. Never thought twice about being disgusted by him, but true fear was something she reserved for Death Eaters. But now, looking at the sinister curl of his lips, her mind flashes to the  _ Daily Prophet’s  _ headline of the dead Muggles. His words echo ominously in her ears and suddenly, Lily’s vision blurs. She stops running abruptly, stopping just short of pushing between Marlene and Avery. 

James whirls around to look at her, but he’s already standing between Avery and Marlene. His head tilts away from her for just a moment, the tip of Avery’s wand at the center of his chest, stopping Marlene from lunging towards him, her teeth bared. James says something, his expression colder than she’s ever seen it, but Lily can hardly hear it over the wild thumping of her heart. 

The second Marlene’s eyes land on Lily, she abandons her place next to the boys and makes her way to Lily. Shouldering past Avery, Mulciber and Flint, which is a feat only possible because Sirius has thrown a jinx so powerful they all land on their backsides. Lily catapults herself towards Marlene, wrapping her arms around her, just barely concealing the tears falling from her eyes. She doesn’t want the boys to see. 

“C’mon,” Emmeline murmurs quietly. When had she appeared? Lily tilts her head, but her eyes are brimming with tears, hardly being able to see in front of her. “Let’s go into the next corridor.” 

Lily only has a vague view of watching Sirius continuing to jinx the Slytherins, bright flashes of light filling her vision. James is shouting words, but they don’t sound quite like spells. Marlene is half carrying her into the next corridor and the two of them collapse on a staircase, half on top of one another. Lily’s thighs collide painfully with the chilly stone, but the goosebumps on her arms aren’t from the cold. Emmeline sits down on the step above them and Lily stares at her two friends, tears falling in fast strokes down her cheeks. 

“It’s not fair.” She croaks out, legs tangled with Marlene’s, head resting on Emmeline’s knees. “It’s not fair.” Lily has always had a gift with words, a charming personality, but now, she can’t force any words to come out. The panic in her throat is a lump large enough to block out any bravery she might muster. “It’s not fair.” She repeats the words over and over, crying into Emmeline’s lap until her eyes sting as though she’s been cutting onions. Marlene’s fingers run through her hair, or maybe they’re Emmeline’s. In this fog, she can hardly tell the difference. 

Lily had always thought it would take more than a few bigots in masks to take her down. But knowing today, that boys she goes to school with are going to join in on the massacre against her people chills her to her very bones. She’s seen Mulciber with ridiculous haircuts and seen Flint cry after Quidditch loss. She’s seen Avery in Potions, laughing at something his partner said. She’s seen these boys for the last six years of her life and in a matter of just a few summers they will be picketing against her right to be standing in Hogwarts. How long will it take for lifting terrified girls into the air to transition into murder?

Lily lets out a noise. 

“We’re going to get them.” Marlene says eventually, her voice full of iron, though her face looks like porcelain. “We’re gonna get those sons of bitches.” And Lily knows she’s not talking just about cruel boys, but of the Death Eaters they believe in, of Voldemort who they worship. Marlene’s been accused of being cold countless times by scorned boys, but right now, there’s a fire blazing in her eyes that warms Lily’s chilling heart. Lily manages a crooked smile at her and for a moment the two just stare at one another, comforted by the resilience she finds there. 

“I’ve decided.” Emmeline declares quietly and they whirl around to look at her. Her brown eyes are steady, gentle, in a way Lily has never fully appreciated before. “I’ll fight with you guys.” There’s a pause in which the only sound is Lily sniffling and the wild thumping of her heart. “Don’t say I shouldn’t. I’ve been thinking about it ever since we had our row. I could never stand by doing nothing when there are people out there who wish you were dead.”

_ My friends shouldn’t have to fight for my right to live.  _ I _ shouldn’t have to fight for my right to live.  _ Her mind says, repeating on an unrelenting loop until her temples start to throb. 

Lily’s lower lip wobbles, but words fail her spectacularly in this moment. The gratitude she feels, the fear, the unfairness, the love all bubble in her chest but fail to erupt. She reaches out one pale hand to clasp Emmeline’s, Marlene automatically holding her other one. The three of them sit on the steps, tears rolling down all their faces and it feels like the beginning of the end.

/

If April had started off unkind, it dissolves into chaos not much later. Rumors of what had happened in the corridors by the Gryffindor common rooms fly wildly around the school. Lily has heard people say that Marlene kicked Mulciber between the legs, that Flint cast a  _ Crucio _ , that Sirius and Remus had jinxed the Slytherins so badly that they hardly knew their own names. 

She isn’t too sure of what happened, herself, but she knows that most of the rumors are rubbish. Unfortunately none of the school seems very interested in hearing about what actually happened, very satisfied with their own versions of the story. It’s become risky for any Gryffindor or Slytherin to walk alone in the halls at the chance of being jinxed into the hospital wing. 

In the last week alone, there have been seventy-six students under Madame Pomfrey's care. The teachers are at a loss for what to do, giving detentions, taking points left, right and center but it’s no use. The Gryffindors are enraged that anyone would dare lay hands on their little Seeker; Rory Spinnet gets something of an honor guard walking him to all of his classes. When the news of the brawl had broke, they had taken the invitation to start an all out war with Slytherin house. 

Though Lily suspects it’s likely that a few Slytherins are the ones who had jinxed Rory and Jane Harris, this all out battle is getting out of hand. Slytherins are casting nasty hexes at every opportunity; Peter had a nasty case of boils two days ago and Emmeline had gotten a concussion. 

Ravenclaw, which usually stayed neutral in the battle of the houses, had valiantly taken Gryffindor’s side. They had lost any semblance of neutrality once hearing about Jane, unleashing a unique brand of curses that sent groups of Slytherins to the hospital wings in screaming in pain. 

Lily sits next to Emmeline in the Great Hall warily keeping an eye on the Slytherin table. She’s gotten lucky with only a few tripping jinxes and a badly cast  _ Stupefy _ , but it’s still unsettling. Emmeline’s support has been unwavering and invaluable, always squeezing Lily’s hand under the table, never letting her go to class alone. 

There’s an odd tension in the air and Lily doesn’t have to wait for long for something to happen. Henry Zhang and Yasmin Khan, two members of the Gryffindor Quidditch team, cast a jinx that causes Avery and Regulus Black off their bench and sprout snake’s tongues.

Lily’s mouth drops open. Though she had been prepared, it’s one thing to cast curses between classes but to do it right under Dumbledore’s nose is something else. Avery doesn’t even bother cursing back from his table, he climbs over the Hufflepuff table to lunge at Henry and fist a hand in his robes. But Henry is quicker and faster, pushing Avery into a bench to the background music of various gasps. 

Her eyes glance towards Dumbledore, hand tight around her wand, but it’s not his voice that rings in the hall. “OI! THAT’S ENOUGH! LET GO OF HIM RIGHT NOW, HENRY!” 

James has stood up from his seat next to Lily, a fist slamming down on the table so hard that it echoes around the hall loudly. There’s a moment where there is pin drop silence, everyone staring at James as though he’s grown another head. Lily looks up at him but he doesn’t look back, his hands shaking from what she suspects is rage and impatience. 

“Oh that’s rich coming from you, James!” Henry throws back once he’s recovered from the shock of James Potter of all people telling him to piss off. “Isn’t this your favorite hobby?”

Lily expects embarrassment to cross James’ eyes, but instead it’s shame. He clenches fists together, his dark eyebrows pulled into a blazing expression. “Maybe I’m not the best example to follow then! But since you so kindly pointed out, I  _ have _ been doing it for years, and it hasn’t made a lick of difference, has it?” He says, starting out shouting but dropping into a strong tenor. He doesn’t need to yell, everyone in the room is listening intently. McGonagall and Dumbledore are staring at him, the former with her mouth agape and the latter with twinkling eyes. Lily is a mixture of both. 

“Jinxing people who might not be responsible for what happened doesn’t make you brave, alright? It makes you stupid, and trust me I’m the authority on what’s stupid around here.” James declares, a tendon in his forehead throbbing. Lily is staring at him, his back straight and his eyes steady and wonders how she has never noticed how  _ solid  _ he is. “We have to actively choose the light inside us, we can’t just automatically assume we already have.”

When James speaks there’s an aura of power emitting from him, his voice strong and firm. Henry has let go of Avery’s robes, looking down at his feet. Yasmin has turned a shade of pink, settling back into her seat quietly. Even Avery is staring at James, though there’s disgust in his eyes not guilt. Sirius, Remus and Peter look proud and borderline adoring, as though they are three young fathers of a son who just grew up. 

“We can’t keep instigating this rivalry, keep following the footsteps of whoever did that horrible thing to Rory and Jane. Someday if we’re fighting Death Eaters who throw killing curses, are we just going to throw them back?” His words have the desired effect, a waterfall of shame descending upon the Gryffindor table. 

They all look around at one another sheepishly, looking varying degrees of guilty. “Just… just stop this madness.” James says tiredly and Lily is struck by the passion in his words, the sheer amount he cares. He seems to notice that everyone has stopped taking because he glances at the head’s table. “Sorry, Professor.” He says, smiling lightly at Dumbledore who simply beams back at him. “Got a bit carried away.”

James sits back down next to her, but still doesn’t turn her way. The great hall descends into a clamor of noise; Regulus and Avery being shepherded to the hospital wing, Henry and Yasmin being assigned detention. But there’s an air of peace that hasn’t been in Hogwarts for weeks. Lily feels blazing, blinding hope unfurling in her chest. The adoration must penetrate into James’ mind because he finally looks at her and turns a pretty pink, a hand pushing through the back of his hair. “Guess you’re a good influence on me, Evans.” He says shrugging lightly. 

“No.” Lily shakes her head firmly, still half dazed at how she had never truly realized how amazing James could be until this very moment. In a matter of minutes, he had talked the school down from descending into mob mentality, he had proved that there was still unrelenting, golden goodness still left in the world. “I think that was all you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i’d love it if you left a comment about what you liked this chapter ! i was rather nervous about this content


	14. you are by my side

“Look how far we’ve come,” Marlene says slyly, “We used to watch practice from the windows.” Lily doesn’t glance over at her, but she doubts that Marlene is bothering to watch the Quidditch practice they’ve come to observe. She’d bet 10 Galleons that she’s tossing grapes into Sirius’ mouth (he’s strangely good at it). 

“Nice of James to allow us to sit in,” Emmeline chimes in, though Lily doubts even she is paying attention. Lily, on the other hand, has her eyes carefully trained on the scarlet robes that whip in the wind, their color a stark contrast to the clear, blue skies. 

It’s a nice day for Quidditch which always comes with the wish that Lily could hold her own on a broom. She imagines the feeling flying gives you, a beautiful exhilarating freedom and almost pouts at the thought of never feeling it. Unfortunately, her two left feet translate even worse in the sky and any attempts to fly result in a visit to the hospital wing. Still, with James Potter as a friend, she can live vicariously through watching him soar through the skies as though he was born to do so. 

She curls in closer to the blanket she’s brought outside, fuzzy and Gryffindor red. Though May has settled in snuggly, Lily has a strong affection for blankets that no amount of heat could ever take away.

“Mhmm,” Marlene chimes back in, and the interest in her voice is so strong and so lazy at the same time that Lily knows immediately she’s about to make a shallow comment. “Let me tell you, Zhang might be dumb as a post but he looks mighty fine on a broomstick.”

Lily’s eyes unconsciously flick towards Henry Zhang who is currently in the middle of catching the Quaffle from James. His form looks good. 

“So does Yasmin.” Emmeline says wistfully.

“What is it about Henry Zhang that makes him every girl’s fantasy?” Peter says and Lily could imagine the confusion on his face if she wasn’t too busy watching the way that Rory Spinnet lunges towards the Snitch.

“Not every girl.” Emmeline replies, voice high-pitched and affronted. Lily laughs at the offense in her voice, gladly trailing her eyes back at her friends since James has given the signal to end practice once the Snitch is safely in Rory’s fingers.

Marlene hums back, “I think he was just most of our’s sexual awakening.” 

Emmeline looks over at Lily, a mischievous look in her eye. “Well not all of us, right Lily?”

“Shove off, Em.” Lily says loudly and pointedly, shooting her a warning look. Emmeline just giggles away, Marlene joining in with her cackles. She’s just glad that Peter and Sirius seem to be too tired to keep up with anything they’re saying. She’d hate to delve into a discussion about which Quidditch players she happened to think were handsome.

Marlene starts to pack up her pile of grapes, only a stray few littering the Quidditch stands, most of them safe inside Sirius’ stomach. Peter, the only other one who bothered paying attention to the flying, wrestles a banana out of his pocket and starts inhaling it with a speed that seems concerning. Lily hears an oncoming of footsteps and turns slightly to a sweaty and smiling James Potter entering her vision.

“Enjoy the show, Evans?” He says cheekily. Lily’s seen Gryffindor practice from the safety of the tower, eyeing their broomsticks with wonder for the last six years. She knows exactly how James flies, all sharp and focused. And today, she’s seen him do a large manner of ridiculous things including hanging off his broom with one hand until Lily had started screaming at him.

“It was thrilling,” She says wryly, standing up once it seems like they’re getting ready to leave the stadium. She watches James sling his broomstick over one shoulder. Though he’s still smiling and starts to chat away to Emmeline, there’s a distinct tiredness to his movements. She furrows her eyebrows together. He’s usually one of the people who gets amped up from flying, not drained. But, no, she looks closer and she can see the careful way he moves as though he’s hurt some part of abdomen. He avoids leaning towards her, which he’s very prone to doing, instead stretching his back awkwardly to keep from breathing too heavy. “You look more tired than usual.” 

James looks over at her, gaze calm as though he’s expecting the inquiry. “We stayed up all night.” He says simply, though there’s a nagging feeling in Lily’s chest like he’s not telling her the whole truth. “Remus is ill in the hospital wing so we thought we’d give him company.”

“Madame Pomfrey must really like you to allow that.” Emmeline says, voicing Lily’s confusion.

Lily wraps her blanket closer around her as she walks, the fabric skimming the back of her knees. Now that she thinks about it, she’s sure she’s seen the boys in the hospital wing in the mornings every now and then. She feels as though she’s seen them there for years. But, if James has a pain in his body then why didn’t he ask Madame Pomfrey to fix it?

“She adores Remus,” Peter explains, smiling a little. If she looks closer, he seems tired too. “And if we make him feel better, she’s alright with having us there.”

“She loves us, too.” James throws in easily before Lily gets a chance to ask what Remus was sick with. “Which one of us d’you reckon she fancies?” The joke is met with a smattering of laughter and guessing, but Lily finds there’s something deliberate about the way he changes the subject. 

Lily frowns to herself, straying her gaze away from her friends to the outer edges of the castle. There’s several students out, glad to be rid of the cold months and reveling in breaking the dress code once more. Hardly any of the boys have their robes on, their shirts untucked and half-unbuttoned. The skirts of the girls seem shorter than usual, though Lily can’t fault them, her own doesn’t skim her knees either. Ties too, seem to be missing, though she spots a few green ones. She squints closer and notices that one of the individuals in question is Severus; he’d never liked the heat, much preferring full sleeves and wooly scarves. 

The thought of Severus and the questions about Remus brings her mind to an idea she hasn’t entertained in a while. She tries to remember her last Astronomy lesson, mentally flipping the astrological calendar back in her mind. She pictures clear skies and glittering constellations, and then a great, silver circle. It was a full moon last night. 

Lily peeks over at James who is in the middle of laughter as Marlene acts out the fantasies Madame Pomfrey must indulge in. If Severus’ theory is correct, why is James injured? Why do Sirius and Peter seem so tired? She squints over at Sirius, who is content to watch his friends in silence, a rarity in their friendship. But he has a gentle smile on his face that only appears when James is around. Their friendship is something else, Lily muses. Not only Sirius and James, but all four of them. She’s seen their fierce protectiveness first hand, the loving, brotherly way they are with one another. She’s sure they’d cross mountains and rivers for one another. So what did they do for their friend if Severus’ theory is to be believed?

Lily shakes her head as her mind threatens to get away from her. She doesn’t care if his theory is correct, she reminds herself. She’s told herself she would never start checking lunar charts and she isn’t about to change her mind now. She likes Remus, his gentle heart and quiet sense of humor. If he wanted to keep a secret, whatever it was, werewolf or not, to himself, she wouldn’t go digging around for it. How was she any better than Severus then, who ventured out in the dead of the night, hoping to catch the boys in whatever mischief they happened to be up to? He’d broken countless school rules in trying to follow them out and expose their secrets all because he harbored a hatred for them.

Unwillingly, her gaze travels back to Severus who is much closer now. She can see the half-smile on his face as he talks to his friends. To Avery who still turns Lily’s stomach. And then, a thought that doesn’t cross her mind as much as hits her with the force of the Hogwarts Express almost stops her in her tracks. If Severus was willing to break school rules to expose the so-called Marauders, was he willing to partake in other illicit activities?

Her train of thought must show on her face because Sirius bends into her space, “Alright, Evans?” 

Lily startles, whipping around to look at him. And where there is Sirius, there is James just seconds behind, identical look of concern on his face. “Yeah, I just… sorry, I was just lost in thought.”

James hums, “Let me guess, your sister or Snape?” He taps his chin, “No mail today, no mention of family or Muggles.” Then he scans the Hogwarts grounds, eyes landing where Lily’s were moments ago, “Aha, I see some green ties over there.”

“How on  _ earth _ did you know it was about one of the two?”

James just winks at her. “I’m a mindreader.” 

“So what’s got your wand in a knot?” Sirius asks, a subtle sharpness in his voice now that Severus is the subject of their discussion. 

Lily’s hands grip tighter around her blanket, thoughts of the boys’ secrecy fading for the moment. She is keenly aware of Marlene and Emmeline’s protective gazes. “D’you… d’you think Severus could’ve been a part of what happened to Rory and Jane?”

A muscle in Sirius’ jaw jumps. He pulls a pinched expression, looking every bit as aristocratic as his horrible family for a moment. “I don’t want to be rude, but—”

Marlene bulldozes over him, pinching his waist, “Then I’m going to tell you to shut up before you finish that sentence.”

“Er—we’re not exactly unbiased parties here, Evans.” James offers awkwardly, making a half-hearted effort to keep his voice neutral.

“I know.” She says quietly, but turns to look at all of them nonetheless, “I just wanted to know what you think.”

“It’s possible.” James says, though the loathing in his eyes gives away his true feelings like a  _ Revelio  _ charm.

“Likely.” Sirius says, not bothering to hide his disgust.

“ _ Sirius _ .” Emmeline warns, brown eyes flashing towards Lily. 

But she just nods quietly, as though the world has not shifted beneath her feet. Every time she thinks her childhood with Severus has long since burned away, she discovers there’s still a little piece there. There’s layers and layers that she’s still uncovering, so blissfully unaware of just how much she’d grown to care about the strange boy from Spinner’s End. She doesn’t know why she bothered to ask. She already knows that her friends think she’s half-mad for still caring about Severus. But to hear it spelled out so plainly, so casually that Severus could be capable of partaking in activities that border on dark magic makes her heart clench painfully.

She pulls her blanket tighter around her, tries to will it to become a protective barrier around her, and doesn’t say another word the whole walk back.

/

Lily is on her way back from a Slug Club meeting, in a strangely good mood. Somehow, Professor Slughorn had managed to get a guest that didn’t grind on Lily’s nerves for once. The woman in question was named Dorcas Meadowes who had a distinguished air about her, though she was hardly a few years older than Lily. She was a broadcaster for a wizarding radio channel that spoke candidly about the state of their world. There were several channels that did the same, but none spoke with the amount of spice that Dorcas happened to. On more than one occasion she’d called the Ministry out on their incompetence, though her language was a tad more colorful. 

She’d taken an immediate shine to Lily. Though Slughorn often paraded her around as his prized trophy, most guests politely lost their interest when they discovered that she was indeed a Muggle-born. Dorcas, on the other hand, had wanted to hear about Lily’s thoughts on the current political climate and the Minister’s attempts at peace. Lily had engaged in a particularly spirited discussion, enthused by Dorcas’ opinions and insights and proud that her own were met with delight.

She’s practically skipping in the corridors, excited to tell Emmeline about the night she’s had. She hardly notices the darkness of the corridor or the chill in the air. It’s been too pleasant a night to be focused on the minute troubles of the world.

“ _Locomotor Wibbly_!”

And immediately, Lily, along with her good mood, plummets to the cold stone of the Hogwarts corridor. Her hands don’t catch her fast enough, nose colliding painfully with the ground. It burns brightly as she sluggishly reaches for the wand in her robe pocket. 

“ _Petrificus Tota_ —”

Lily casts the  _ Protego _ nonverbally so quickly that it gives her whiplash. She flips herself over, now leaning against the wall, her wand held out protectively in front of her. Her eyes meet the sneering faces of Mulciber and his girlfriend, another Slytherin by the name of Reneé Carrow. They’re both dressed in formal robes of matching emerald and she remembers seeing them vaguely at the Slug Club meeting.

“It’s past curfew,” Lily says quickly, surprised at the coolness of her tone. Her heart beats rapidly in her chest, “I wouldn’t want to take points off—”

“I don’t give a shit about points, Evans.” Mulciber interrupts, voice like shattering glass, wand pointed lazily at her.

“Explain to me,” Carrow says, smiling so widely that there’s a crazed look in her eye. “How a little mudblood like you can be Slughorn’s favorite?”

She clenches her jaw and rises to her feet, anger coursing through her veins. She doesn’t wipe at her nose though there is blood dripping down her golden dress. Red and gold are Gryffindor colors after all. “I think it’s because he has a brain in that head of his, shame I can’t say the same for you.”

“You  _ dare _ speak to a pureblood that way?” Carrow gasps, blonde eyebrows arching villainously on her large forehead. 

“Show her some respect.” Mulciber orders, though Lily doubts very much that he follows that himself.

“As soon as she earns it.” Lily says coldly, her knuckles paper white around her wand.

“Aw,” Carrow coos, voice making the adoring sound though it sounds dead coming from her lips, “She’s got fire in that filthy blood.”

“Now, now, Evans,” Mulciber tuts, shaking his head as though he’s a disappointed professor. “Don’t make me teach you a lesson. Your old pal Snape has a wide variety of dark curses I could try out on you.”

Lily’s heart thuds, feeling as though it’s going to puncture itself on one of her ribs, but she forces her hand to be steady. Severus has always had an affinity for the Defense Against the Dark Arts, but sneering at the defense aspect. “I could beat you in a duel with my eyes closed,” Lily growls, “I don’t care whose spells you’ve got up your sleeve.”

“You think you could defeat a pureblood?” Mulciber hisses, an emotion other than lazy indifference crossing his eyes for the first time. “You think you’re  _ better _ than me?”

Lily lets out a laugh, cold and unfeeling and nothing like herself. It stings her nose to do it. “We’re not even in the same league.” Carrow’s eyebrows narrow and Mulciber’s lips thin. Simultaneously they lift their wands, but Lily doesn’t give them the chance. “ _EXPELLIARMUS_!” She shrieks, not caring how loud she’s yelling. 

Carrow’s wand sails through the air, clattering noisily on the ground. But Mulciber casts a shield charm and then rapidly strangles out a curse that Lily’s never heard of, hitting her in the shoulder, blood spurting into her dress. It’s only a shallow wound, hardly more painful than a papercut but it terrifies her how readily he uses dark magic. 

“ _STUPEFY_!” She screams, not bothering to throttle her fire, aiming at both of them desperately.

Carrow flies through the air, back colliding with the opposite side of the corridor. Dust blows out from her, dress robes caking in muck. Mulciber crashes into the wall, shoulder taking the brunt of the force. She waits a moment, then another, but neither of their eyes flitter open. She stares at them, the pile of robes and limbs haphazard. Her wand is clutched in her fingers in a vice-like grip. She doesn’t think she’ll ever be able to let go.

“Lily!” A voice yells and though it’s familiar, her wand whips in the air to point squarely at James’ chest. He doesn’t seem offended by it, but she startles it away from him, her gaze landing back on Mulciber and Carrow. “C’mon,” He says quietly, reaching out to hold her arm. 

She flinches away violently, taking a look at him quickly enough to catch the hurt in his eyes. He has their map clutched tightly in one of his hands, his wand in the other. His eyes stutter back and forth between her nose, her shoulder and the pile of Slytherins. Her lungs tighten like she’s tying a noose around them and she stalks away from James, hardly being able to look at him another second.

She makes it as far as half a corridor before he jogs behind her. She clenches a fist, other hand still tight around her wand before turning into another hallway. She wants to get as far away from the mess she’s made as possible. James stubbornly follows her. “What are you doing?” She spits at him, whirling around so fast that her hair hits him square in the face, “Were you keeping an eye on me or something?”

James holds up his hands in defense, though he rather looks like a dog that’s been kicked. Still, when he speaks his voice is firm, though he doesn’t meet her eyes, “No, Remus and I were just hungry. I was gonna go to the kitchens, when I saw your name.” 

She gives one stiff nod and then abruptly realizes that he’s not making eye-contact because he’s staring at her nose. She lifts her free hand to cover it self-consciously, anger still bubbling inside of her. At Mulciber for casting the curse. At Severus for inventing one. At James for being concerned. 

“What happened down there?” He asks gently, stepping closer to her. His voice is like the honey she likes in her tea, soothing and oh-so-sweet. 

“Nothing.” She snaps, unable to stand the tenderness of his voice, hand flying away from her nose. “Leave me alone.”

“Nothing?” He repeats incredulously, putting his hands on his hips as though he’s her bloody mother. “That didn’t look like nothing.”

“Stop it, Potter,” She flings back, deliberately switching to his surname because she knows it’ll throw him off kilter. Predictably he looks taken aback, but she hadn’t accounted for the hurt in his eyes. Two times in one night, Lily thinks miserably. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Look at your face! And I don’t mean the blood, you look as though you’re about to fall over!” He bursts out, taking another step closer to her. There isn’t a lick of hesitation about his movements, like comforting Lily is as natural to him as flying. “You can tell me. Just  _ trust  _ me, for once.”

“I do trust you.” She tells him immediately, his words stinging.

“Then let me in!” He exclaims, hazel eyes magnified under his glasses, “You’re the one who said we’re good friends now, so let me be one. Tell me what you’re thinking.” 

The words make it to her tongue, but her teeth clamp down tightly on them. “James… you wouldn’t get it.”

“Don’t shut me out. Don’t pretend like you jinxing two people unconsciousness doesn’t mean anything.” He tells her so firmly that she wants to take a step away from him. There is so much affection, so much fondness brimming in his eyes that Lily thinks she’ll be set on fire if she looks any longer. Not the romantic kind of burning but the painful one. But she doesn't move, frozen in her spot. “I know I’m not a Muggle-born. I know I’m a privileged twat, but I’m a privileged twat who cares about you.”

He steps closer and her eyes drop down to his chest. He’s wearing one of his stupid Puddlemere United t-shirts, all grey and tattered though he must have money for a new one. She thinks if she stares enough she’ll be able to see past the fabric and the flesh and right into James Potter’s bright, bleeding heart.

Her lip wobbles, but it isn’t from tears this time. When she speaks, she sounds more like a banshee than a girl, “This is Hogwarts! I shouldn’t be getting attacked in the bloody corridors! All I was doing was walking back from the fucking Slug Club, but they can't handle that they're not ol' Sluggy's favorite!”

James blinks, but seems pleased that she’s cracked her door open. “I know, it’s horrible. Just the other day Avery jinxed me with the Bat-bogey hex on my way back from—”

“That’s not the same!” She hurtles back, stepping closer to him. The second the words leave her mouth, she feels as though she’s back in a duel. “ _ You’re _ not a mudblood.”

“Don’t—”

“Why shouldn’t I call myself that? Everyone else thinks it's perfectly alright to call me that, so why shouldn’t I do it?” She spits at him, wanting him to take a step back, but he doesn’t. A strange part of her wants to see the superiority in his eyes, disgust, but it’s not there. “You have the option of just shutting up and never defending us mudbloods ever again. You can choose to stop being a blood traitor. Me? I can’t just wake up one day and decide to just maybe tone down my ‘mudblood-ness’.”

“You’re—you’re right.” He stutters out, hands moving to wave awkwardly around her as though he wants to place them on her shoulders, but doesn’t know if it’s okay to. Lily doesn’t know either. “I could just turn my back away from his, but you don’t have that option. Lily… I’m so sorry. You should feel safe in this castle, you should feel safe in the wizarding world.”

“But I don’t.” Lily says tiredly, the fight dripping out of her like the blood from her nose. She doesn’t know if it’s his words or his fervent belief, but something makes her tired; saying the words won’t make it a reality. She stretches out a hand against the wall closest to her and falls down against it, letting her wand clatter to the floor. She pulls her knees towards her, suddenly truly feeling the pain in her nose, the sting in her shoulder, the searing anger in her chest.

“But you should!” He says fiercely, his eyes shining and the sheer idealism almost makes her smile. Severus would’ve found his hope foolish, she thinks, but something about it doesn’t feel naive. James stands in front of her firm and solid, jaw clenched. He is lit up by the waning moon seen from the corridor windows, light casting a silvery glow on him, making him look something like a Patronus.

He sits down next to her, long legs sweeping out against the cobbled floors. He doesn’t say another word, waiting for Lily to speak. She squirms, shifting enough so she can lean her head against his shoulder. She listens to his rapid breaths, all that motivational speaking getting him into a frenzy. There’s something strange about this; a mudblood girl and a pureblood prince sitting in the Hogwarts corridor as though it’s the most normal thing in the world. If only Salazar Slytherin could see them now.

”Sometimes I just want to be a Muggle, y’know.” Lily confesses to him, feeling like her chest will burst if she doesn’t tell him. Their time together feels fleeting, like something too beautiful to last. Today James may let her bleed into his favorite t-shirt, but one day he will realize that there is mud in that same blood. Just like Severus had. “Pretend to be normal, but I don’t belong out there. And it feels like I don’t fit in at Hogwarts either. I don’t know where I belong.”

She feels James take a sharp breath more than she sees it. He stretches out a hand, twisting ever so slightly so he can face her, fingers lifting her chin. Her gaze shifts from the rise and fall of his chest to his eyes, the calluses on his fingertips somehow soft on her skin. “You are the finest witch I’ve ever seen, and I mean that talent wise, not as flirtatious as it came off.” He gives her a tiny smile and Lily feels herself drawn towards James in this moment like gravity. “Hogwarts is lucky to have you in its halls. And—and if you don’t feel at home here, then fuck it. You belong  _ here _ , with me.”

There’s a beat in which Lily just stares up into James eyes and wonders how he can read her mind. Here she is thinking about how ephemeral their time together is, and here he is promising to stand by her. Years of giving pre-match Quidditch skills must have taught James a thing or two because like opening a tap, she feels hope flooding through her veins. The silence stretches, but there isn’t an awkward thing about it. They are just looking at one another, but Lily feels like crying. She doesn’t know how she’s ever going to cast a Patronus again without thinking about this particular smile James is giving her. 

The hand resting on her chin lifts and Lily only has a second to miss it before it brushes against her cheek. Long fingers swipe at the tears she hadn’t realized she’d shed. His thumb brushes firmly against her upper lip, wiping the blood that had half-dried there. He doesn’t blink, doesn’t wrinkle his nose, doesn’t give any indication that he has a mudblood’s blood on his fingers. Absurdly, Lily feels like laughing.

She lifts a hand to press on top of his, shutting her eyes against the warmth she finds. “With you, hm?”

“I meant us.” He says and she cracks her eye open to see him looking at her as though he is holding something very precious in his hands.

“Nuh-uh, James,” She tells him, tilting her head so both their hands can rest against her shoulder, “no take backs.” And when he laughs, it feels like Lily is flying. And the feeling is far more beautiful than a broomstick could ever give her.


	15. breathless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James and Lily get to laugh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of a lighter chapter, wanted to give our heroes a little break! I know it's super dialogue-heavy, so I hope it wasn't a drag to read :)

Every time the Gryffindor team partakes in the final match of the Quidditch cup, the boys always have a prank planned. Most notably, last term when they charmed the Slytherin banners to depict worms instead of snakes and when anyone tried to charm them back to normal, they would turn into massive, real-life worms all over their dinner plates. That had almost made up for losing the match. 

But this term, there is no losing prank to pull, only one glorious victory and the raucous laughter that accompanies it. James has hoisted Rory on his shoulders, the little guy having secured them a mindblowing victory that hasn’t been seen in a hundred years. He’s sweaty and dirty, but he’s also beaming. Once they start climbing the main steps leading away from the Great Hall, James notices something funny every time he makes a step. Every time a member of the Gryffindor team steps onto a marble stair, loud, borderline obnoxious music echoes in the halls. James isn’t sure what song it is, but he suspects it’s a Muggle one if the way Sirius and Lily beam is any indication. It rings in his ears and the lyrics are so apt that James starts to levitate Rory off his shoulders in his joy. 

_WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS, MY FRIENDS. AND WE’LL KEEP ON FIGHTING ‘TIL THE END. WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS. WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS. NO TIME FOR LOSERS ‘CAUSE WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS OF THE WORLD!_

“Was this your idea, Moony?” James shouts across the sea of people, it seems like a very Remus kind of idea. His friends wave enthusiastically at him, various amounts of red and gold face paint dripping off their cheeks. The red on Lily’s skin should collide with her hair, but it just makes her look like an adorable cherry. 

“Yeah!” Remus yells back, a grin overtaking his pale face. Sirius’ arm is slung around his shoulders, but his best friend is looking at the Hufflepuff team. His wand is nowhere to be seen, but even from this far away, he can see Sirius’ lips mouthing words to a spell. Just as Amos Diggory’s foot makes contact with the first step, the victorious music is replaced by a slow, funeral march. 

Diggory’s face turns as red as Lily’s hair and James is laughing so hard that Rory falls straight out of the air and crashes down on top of him. Even in a tangle on the steps, the Gryffindor team is howling with laughter and before long even the Hufflepuff team (minus Amos, of course) joins in with some spirited laughs of their own.

In the midst of laughter, his friends arrive at his side to haul him back to his feet and thump him enthusiastically on the back. “One hell of a match, Prongs!” Peter congratulates, dragging him back towards the Gryffindor common room, Sirius half carrying him. 

Lily arrives in a whirl behind them, her face paint dripping onto the tanktop she’s wearing. Little droplets fall distractingly onto the pale skin of her neck, streaking lines in a shimmering red and gold. Even more distracting is the mirth in her eyes and the width of her smile. When she grins so wide he can see most of her teeth and she looks almost maniacal. She stretches out a hand to tug at his robes, pressing a hard kiss to his cheek that’s half teeth considering she still can’t stop smiling. “Congratulations, Captain.”

Momentarily stunned, he gapes at her for a moment before Sirius thumps him particularly hard on the back and he bursts out, “I try my best,” and tips off an imaginary hat at her. 

“Are you boys ready to party?” Marlene appears from behind them, still in her Ravenclaw robes, but there’s a Gryffindor scarf around her neck that he suspects belongs to Sirius. 

“Of course,” James grins at her, reaching out to ruffle her hair, “You lot get the food,” He directs at his friends, “I’ve got to take a shower.”

“Ten Sickles he doesn’t want to wipe his cheek,” Sirius mutters under his breath. Lily lets out a quick breath of giggles that makes James’ hand jump to his hair and stick his other one out in a rude gesture at his best mate.

/

If winning a Quidditch game makes James feel like a King, there’s nothing like a good, scrutinizing gaze from Lily Evans that can knock him back down to reality.

They’re all sprawled out on the ground of one corner of the common room. Once James had finished doing victory laps around the room on his broomstick, he had settled in a comfortable spot near the window with his friends. The butterbeer they’ve saved up is distributed amongst the older students and food they’ve gotten from the kitchens is dwindling as the hours go by. 

James leans against the window, the glass cold against his back. He’s midway through a sip of butterbeer when he finally realizes that Lily hasn’t looked away from him in the last few minutes. Stopping the urge to blush, he simply raises an eyebrow and says, “I know I’m good looking but you don’t have to stare so much, Evans.”

Lily shows no sign of embarrassment, just lifts her head from where it is gently resting on Remus’ shoulder. Her eyebrows scrunch together as she squints at him. “You _just_ showered.”

“Observant.”

She laughs, crawling a bit closer to him, the strap of her tank top slipping off her shoulder as she moves. His eyes follow the shift of fabric, but draw up quickly to her eyes when she starts to speak again. “I just mean your hair is still all broomstick-y.”

“Broomstick-y?” He repeats, lip twitching at her childish word choice.

“I think she means ridiculous and ugly.” Sirius inputs. One of his legs, which are resting in James’ lap, twists to poke him in the stomach and he guffaws loudly. Sirius always knows the spots that make him squawk like a bird.

Peter grins along, turning to Lily to offer his input. “It’s always like that, Lily.”

But Lily is looking as though she is contemplating one of life’s many mysteries. Her green eyes still haven’t left James’ face, alternating between his hair and his eyes. He isn’t sure which one makes him more self conscious, but with all this talk about his hair, he valiantly keeps his hand away from his head. “But your dad invented Sleekeasy’s Hair Potion!”

Remus snorts, spattering drops of butterbeer into his jumper. “Doesn’t mean James bothers to use it.”

Lily’s eyes twinkle just then and James knows this expression all too well. He makes it at least once a day and sees it on Sirius at least twice as often. “Mary has a bottle upstairs.”

“My God, Evans.” Sirius laughs, lifting his feet from James’ lap, suddenly alert. James has a bad feeling about the two of them teaming up. “Are you thinking what I’m thinking?”

“I bet I am.” Lily says back to him conspiratorial. She stands, long ponytail swishing as she moves, instructing Sirius with the utmost authority. “You hold him down, I’ll grab the bottle.”

“Hey!” James protests watching Sirius, of all people, salute obediently at Lily. “I never agreed to this!”

But Lily pays him hardly any heed, jogging up to the girls’ dormitory, only turning back to throw him such a mischievous wink that his heart starts to thud nervously in his ribcage. Luckily, he is soon distracted by Peter who also gathers himself to his feet and announces, “I’ll grab a comb.”

James only has enough time to throw Remus an incredulous look while Sirius pushes him roughly away from the window. Despite all his protests, both of them hook his arms in place, not allowing him to move a muscle, though he must be quite a sight writhing and yelling on the floor.

“I have returned!” Lily announces, flouncing back to their spot in the common room, Peter just a few steps behind her. When she sits, she’s much closer to James than she was before and he finds it hard to maintain his pout.

Remus takes the bottle from Lily’s hand as James eyes the green packaging warily. “Shall we follow the instructions or dump the whole bottle on?”

Sirius laughs at the question and even James knows the answer though he’s not looking forward to it. “C’mon Remus, you forget who we are.”

“I hardly think this is necessary!” James tries as a last attempt, but Sirius just yanks his head closer and unscrews the bottle cap.

“Here.” He says cheerily, pouring the cold liquid all over James’ hair. With one hand he pushes the potion into his scalp with unpracticed hands. 

“Ooh, put some on the back.” Lily suggests. Sirius nods and pushes James’ face even further down, making him stare at his lap while potion drips down his neck and into his t-shirt.

When Sirius finally pulls his hands away, they all stare at him expectantly with varying degrees of amusement. James sighs to himself, if he’s being honest he wants to see the result himself, he’s not sure how he’s gotten away with never using this potion before in the first place. “You’ve got to wait around ten minutes before you can brush it.”

They all pout simultaneously, but Lily shrugs and then turns to Sirius with an inquiring look in her eye. She nudges him with her elbow, “Marlene says you predicted the outcome of the match down to a tee. Are you that good at Divination?”

Sirius exchanges a grin with James. “I’ll be honest, we only took that course because we charm crystal balls to show horrible things to the Slytherin students.”

Remus hums, tapping his fingers absently on his knees, though his lip is twitching. “Is that why Jace Selwyn thought that continuing to date his girlfriend would result in him going bald?”

Sirius lets out a bark of laughter. “That was Marly’s idea. But he _is_ going bald, I tell you.” 

“How d’you get such good marks if you’re making things up?” Lily asks, green eyes sparkling with amusement and curiosity.

Sirius clutches his chest, in offense. “How rude, I’ve never been accused of such a thing. I have the Inner Eye!”

Lily just purses her lips together and tells him, “Prove it!” James watches the stare-down with keen interest, the two most stubborn people he knows refusing to look away first.

Peter interrupts, but they still don’t look away from one another, “We haven’t exactly got a crystal ball laying around.”

Lily rolls her eyes and mocks, “If he’s got the Inner Eye, he shouldn’t need other tools.”

Sirius pinches his lips together and offers, “I’ll do some palm reading—”

“Isn’t that supposed to be Muggle rubbish?” Remus asks, he’d always had very little patience with the impracticality and imprecision of Divination.

“Excuse you.” Sirius sniffs and proceeds to pick up Lily’s hand from where it’s resting in her lap. He turns it over, long fingers raking over the skin of her palm. He squints at the skin there, clearly trying to look like a sage, but James finds he looks exceedingly like a charlatan the more he strokes his chin. “Hmm, this line here says you have a specky git with shitty hair in your future.” 

Lily lets out a laugh, eyes immediately flicking over to James who winks at her. He’d have to get Sirius another butterbeer. Rule number five of being a Marauder was that one must _always_ do his best at playing the wingman and if successful would receive a drink of their choice.

“You are _truly_ so talented.” Lily says, turning away from James to roll her eyes at Sirius.

Sirius, whose lips are twitching with amusement, lowers his voice and tells her. “I can tell you the next thing Peter’s going to say.” He nudges James, who on cue starts to pout, running his hand through his hair; the picture of insecurity. 

“You still look good, Prongs!” Sirius and Peter say at the same time making Lily burst out into a fit of giggles. This time Sirius winks at Lily and she can’t feign indifference, she bends slightly, offering a somewhat bow to him.

“Alright, Pete time to get your head out of James’ arse.” Sirius grins, clapping his hand on Peter’s back. “You get to comb his hair since you’re the only one who has this stupid, ten-year old hairstyle.”

James offers his head to Peter who nervously holds the comb in his hand. The potion has started to stop being so cold, steadily returning back to room temperature which means it’s ready to be styled. Peter runs the tip of the comb on the right side of James’ head, making a clean parting that he’s never bothered to attempt before. Then he brushes over strands of hair onto either side, dutifully getting every strand, not hitting his ear even once. When Peter finally tilts away, his body stops blocking James from the rest of his friends. 

The second they lay eyes on him, their expressions morph. Lily’s mouth drops open. Remus looks like he is desperately trying not to laugh if the way he’s holding his stomach is any indication. Sirius, who had been grinning away, is looking so solemn that James is almost concerned. 

“Oh my God.” Lily breathes.

Remus nods along, having let out a series of loud laughs and then finally being able to speak. “Who _are_ you?”

“I—I don’t even know what to say.” Peter stammers looking at James as though he’s never seen him before.

“Pads?” James says turning to Sirius. He fights the urge to run a hand through his hair, knows that wouldn’t do anything other than make him look like a prat. “You’re not saying anything.”

Sirius pushes him roughly, making him collide with the wall. His expression is one of intense betrayal. “You look like a bloody Prefect.”

Despite the seriousness of his tone, James starts laughing. Sirius scowls at him, hitting him on the shoulder repeatedly as Remus calls out, “D’you want my badge, Prongs?”

“Okay, ha-ha, very funny.” James deadpans, holding his hands protectively against Sirius’ assault. “It can’t be that bad.” Lily gives him an unimpressed stare and _accios_ a mirror. He takes the silver handle gingerly and lifts the mirror so he can lay eyes on himself. “Oh bloody hell.”

His hair is parted, not a single strand out of place. There isn’t any hair falling into his forehead, and bloody Merlin he’d never realized how big his forehead was until this moment. He wants to rake a hand through his hair self-consciously, but there isn’t anything to fix. He looks ridiculous, he looks like bloody Amos Diggory.

He turns hopefully to Lily, willing her to tell him that he doesn’t look nearly as bad as he thinks. But she just shakes her head and confirms the worst. “James, you look like an alternate version of you that’s well-behaved and has manners.”

“Fuck off! You lot are the one who wanted to see what this would look like if it was tamed!” He shouts, tossing the mirror back at Lily who fails to catch it, letting it fall into her lap.

“Does your dad have this hair?” She asks curiously, tilting her head to look at him so intently that he _has_ to do something with his hands. He lifts one to fix nervously at his glasses ignoring the fact that it doesn’t exactly accomplish anything.

“Nah, ol’ Monty’s got normal hair.” Sirius tells her then flicks out a thumb towards James. “Only goes to show that he invented this because he couldn’t have his only son walking around looking like a bloody rooster.”

James flushes, pulling himself to his feet and trying to walk between the little space that Lily and Peter have left for him. “I can’t take it anymore, I’m washing this off.”

“No!” Lily says immediately, rising to her feet in front of him. Though the top of her head hardly even skims his chin, he takes a step back from how close she’s gotten to him. “C’mon, I want to take a photo!” He makes a face, but she extends her lower lip, green eyes twinkling and James’ heart is simply not strong enough to refuse a request when she looks at him like that. “Please?”

“Oh, alright, Evans.” He concedes, pretending to look put out about it though the smile on her face makes him want to grin. “Don’t go pulling puppy eyes at me all the time, now.”

“No promises.” She says cheekily, twisting around to run back to her dormitory, calling over her shoulder, “I’m gonna go grab my camera.”

He turns back to his friends, all looking at him with identical unamusement. “Shall we leave you two alone?” Peter offers.

“Er—is it wrong if I say yes?”

Remus gathers himself to his feet, eyes skimming the room for something. “I’ll save you the moral complex and tell you we were going to leave anyway.”

Sirius stretches out his hand towards James and he clasps it tightly, pulling him to his feet. “It’s nauseating watching you two together.” 

Remus rolls his eyes. “Come off it, Pads. You like her.”

“Only because she figured out the charm for the stairs.” Sirius says offhandedly as though Lily Evans partaking in a prank is not the single most attractive thing James has ever heard in his life.

“It wasn’t that hard.” Lily says, appearing behind them once more, a cocky smile very reminiscent of his own brushing her face. There’s a camera dangling from her fingers which she points at him. “Say cheese, handsome.” She laughs, pulling the lens up to her face.

James pulls Sirius towards him, the Sleekeasy bottle in his hands. Sirius throws an arm around him, pointing at James with one hand and holding the bottle victoriously in the other. James pulls a smile to his face just as Lily clinks the button, flash bright on their faces. 

“Should we rejoin the party now?” Peter asks, gesturing vaguely at the common room behind them that is slowly descending into chaos.

“Yeah,” Remus answers and then so offhandedly that if James hadn’t known him for years he’d think Remus had just noticed this, “Actually someone should pick up some dessert, I think they’re almost over.”

“I’ll stop by the kitchens.” Seems he owes Moony a drink as well. He looks over casually at Lily, “Fancy taking a midnight stroll, Evans?”

Lily thrusts the camera into Remus’ hands, eyes alight. “If you show me where the kitchens are, you can take me _anywhere_.”

/

Lily walks extremely slowly. It’s something that would annoy him if it was just about anyone else in the world, but this pace is perfect when he wants to bask in the alone time he gets with her.

She carries a small basket of treacle tarts, her favorite dessert, in her right hand as she looks over at him in offense. “I can’t believe you’ve known where the kitchens were for _years_ and you never told me.”

James grins at her, one hand on the map and the other around his own basket of desserts. “I can’t reveal all our secrets, no matter how much I like you.”

Lily bumps his shoulder nature good naturedly, as the turn into another corridor. “I’m tempted to pout to see if you will.”

“Don’t get greedy.”

Lily smiles at him, shifting her gaze to the corridor in front of him. Then her gaze goes still and she asks, “Er—did you happen to take your cloak with you?”

“No, why?” James follows Lily’s gaze to land on a tiny kitten, tabby with red eyes. Filch’s new kitten, Mrs something or the other. “God, this _bloody_ cat! C’mon, Evans, we gotta make a break for it.” He tells her, tossing his map into the basket and offering Lily his other hand.

She grasps it tightly and together they break off into a run in the opposite direction. His strides are so much longer than hers that he’s half dragging her at this point. Their footsteps echo loudly in the halls and every Marauder sense that is ingrained in him begs him to be quiet, but Lily has started to laugh. He looks over at her incredulously, but her giggles are morphing into loud chuckles, little hiccups bubbling out in between.

“STUDENTS OUT OF BED!” Rings out behind them, Filch’s favorite sentence.

“James! D’you know you look ridiculous when you run?” Lily asks him in the midst of her giggles.

“That’s what you’re thinking about right now?” He demands, still clutching tightly to her hand though she is shaking with laughter.

“Well, we aren’t going to outrun him!” She throws back at him, once she’s recovered mildly enough to snap back at him. She stops abruptly, making him trample ahead of her for a few seconds before she wrestles what he’s pretty sure is a cleaning cupboard open. “In here!”

James follows her into it quickly, shutting the door as silently as possible. His hands are occupied with the basket, so Lily wrangles his wand from the back pocket of his jeans and casts a _muffliato_. James turns back to Lily, though it’s much harder to see her in the dim lighting. “You know this isn’t exactly what I pictured when I thought about you pulling me into a broom cupboard.”

“Really? But the smell of cleaning potion and mops is so romantic!” She responds easily and it sounds alarmingly like she’s _flirting_ with him.

“Sets the mood, doesn’t it?” He says dryly, setting down his basket carefully on the floor away from the racks of cleaning potions and mops.

“How long you reckon he’ll linger here?” She asks, pressing closer to him to try and listen at the door. His back is flat against the surface of the door and she has an arm tucked in between his waist and his arm in her attempt.

“Forever if you keep whispering so loudly.” He responds, though Filch could never hear over a charm cast by Lily Evans.

“Shut up!” She snaps, and the steps backwards loudly, “And come here!”

“Stop shouting, woman.” He says, enjoying the way she rolls her eyes at him. And suddenly her hands are on his shoulders and they’re pushing him. He stumbles more out of surprise than anything and collides with what feels like a stool. She shoves him a bit more until he settles onto it. “Er—what’re we doing?”

“You don’t look like James with this good-boy hair.” She says, frowning slightly. She takes a step towards him, just barely standing in between the tips of his knees. It’s hardly anything scandalous, but it sets his heartbeat into overdrive. “It’s very unsettling.”

And then, she drops her own basket onto the floor and lifts her hands to his hair. He stiffens at the contact, her slim fingers feeling so different than Sirius’. Her fingers massage into his scalp, pulling upwards and raking the potion from strands of his hair. It tends to get stiff once you leave it in too long. She separates strands, combs out the parting that Peter had made. Strand by strand it falls back onto his forehead, fingers so soft against his skin. He gapes up at her, but she looks utterly unaffected by this contact. 

“You ever thought about a career as a masseuse?” He asks and cringes at how breathless he sounds. 

“This isn’t a means of profit, James.” She shakes her head at him, idly shifting strands of his hair until they fall the way she deems fit. “I only do this for people I like.” And this time when he looks at her, he’s almost positive that her cheeks are coloring.

“Glad to make the list.” He says, not looking away from her face though she shifts a little from how intently he’s looking at her.

For a few moments they don’t speak, Lily’s hands in his hair feel like the only thing real thing in the world. Smoothly and softly they brush against his ears and he closes his eyes. He leans slightly into the touch, her movements slowing even more as he does. “I was thinking… maybe you boys would like to come by this summer?”

“Yeah?”

“There’s this… well this fair of sorts, Muggle rides and stalls in July. I think you would like it.” Her words come out fast, all in one breath like she’s feeling a bit breathless herself. Her hands still move like silk through his hair and she could ask him to jump into a crowd of Inferi right now and he’d do it without hesitation.

“I’d love to come.” He says sincerely, opening his eyes to look at her. She’s much closer than she was when he last had his eyes open, his thighs completely surrounding her legs. Her movements still, hands dropping suddenly to her side, her green eyes flicking towards his—nose?

“Your parents would be alright with it?” She asks, stepping not one, not two, but four steps away until her back rests against the door. He runs a hand through his hair, taking comfort in the normal texture he finds there, missing the feeling of her fingers.

“Are you kidding? Mum is always saying that—” He bursts out and then stops suddenly, the sting of mentioning his mother sparking in his chest so strongly that his throat burns. “Sorry.”

“What did your mum always say?” Lily asks gently, stepping closer to him once more. He doesn’t speak right away, eyes flicking up to meet hers. They’re a warm green. And for someone that despises Slytherin house and everything it stands for, including the stupid green of their banners, he’s finding green very beautiful just now. “James.”

He swallows and then thinks about his mother, with her curling hair and knowing smile. “She said I could do with a summer not spent entirely wreaking havoc on the house.”

“I bet you four always made such a mess.” Lily says, voice thick with affection. 

“You could say that.” He says, thinking back on the amount of trouble they got into and the amount of cleaning that they had to do. His parents always refused to let the house elf clean up the aftereffects of their mischief. “She was always fond of the boys. You should’ve seen the way she doted on Remus.”

“I can see him being good with parents.” 

“Yeah, but Sirius is always the charmer.” He huffs out a laugh, remembering the way his parents always greeted Sirius at platform 9 ¾. His father would clap Sirius on the back, his mother ruffling his hair and the smile on Sirius’ face was worth more than the entire Sleekeasy empire. “Honestly think my parents like him more than me.”

Lily lets out an amused breath, “They were alright with him staying with you?”

“Insisted on it.” He tells her, “Honestly mum and I’ve contemplated smuggling out of that godforsaken house more times than I can count.”

“You must really miss her.” Lily says softly. He looks at her, the way she is gently nudging him into talking about his mother. One of the things he likes most about Lily is how she never shies away from just how much she loves people.

“Yeah, I do.” He admits, “Funny, I never really talk about her anymore.”

“You should.” Lily says and he knows that was her intention all along. “You know you smile all big when you do. I can see that dimple of yours.” She lifts a finger and taps the left side of his cheek. It makes him slip into a much softer smile and her finger sinks softly into the dimple there. “I would’ve liked to meet your mum.”

“She would’ve loved you.” He says as Lily lifts her hand away from his skin once more and it takes a lot of willpower not to grab her hand in the air.

“Yeah?”

“C’mon, you’re a human firecracker, Evans. She would’ve loved to see me flounder in your presence.” He says, grinning at all the times his mother had rolled her eyes and told him she’d pray for the woman who caught his eye.

“What about your dad?” She asks, smiling at his description.

“Greedy, are we? I’m sure he’d like you too. Has a bit of a thing for redheads, let me tell you—”

“Shut up!” She says, poking him hard in the chest, making him laugh. “I _meant_ what’s he like?”

James tilts his head, tiny guilt settling in his chest at how long it’s been since he’s seen his father. He should’ve gone home for Christmas. “Bit calmer than mum, but not by much. They’re proper nutters.”

“Is that why you’re one?” Lily asks cheekily.

“Pretty much. They had me quite old, so they spoiled me rotten.” He explains, digging up one of the fondest memories he has of his father. “Dad’s as much of a Quidditch nut as me. Took me to the last two World Cups.”

“Did he play?”

“Yeah he used to play Keeper at school so I got a lot of practice when I was young.” He remembers the hours they’d spent in the sun, getting tan and bruised. “Takes too much out of him these days, but he loved to play.”

“My dad’s a sports nut too. I think he’d like Quidditch, if I ever managed to explain it properly.” Lily says and he catches the way she rolls her eyes fondly.

“Maybe I can give it a go when I come by?” He offers, heart thumping nervously as he imagines meeting Lily’s parents. He wonders if she’s told them that she used to think he was an arrogant toe-rag to whom she preferred the Giant Squid.

“I think he’d like that.” She agrees and he’s struck once more by how much Lily and he have in common. “He used to play football when he was younger.”

“That’s the one with one ball and the Keepers with the net things?” He asks, remembering vaguely the descriptions that Remus and Sirius had pieced together for him.

“Goalies, but yeah essentially.”

“Reckon I’d be good at it?” He asks cheekily, holding his hands up in preparation for her onslaught.

She only swats half-heartedly at him, lips twitching, “I’ve hardly seen you use your feet to make a goal, so it’s hard to say for sure.”

“I’m a man full of surprises, Evans.” He tells her, standing up to check if Filch is still lurking around. He twists towards her, their bodies brushing together just slightly. He looks at her as he moves, the small smile on her face, the relaxed set of her shoulders and remembers how distraught she had been a few weeks ago. The rage that had been steaming inside him when he’d found her in the hallway with blood on her clothes was one he’d never felt before. He’d wanted to have a go at Mulciber and Carrow himself but the second he’d laid eyes on Lily, all that rage evaporated into unprecedented worry. 

James Potter is not the kind of guy to run away from the fight. He’s usually the one starting it in the first place. But that day, watching the dejected set of Lily’s shoulders, the blood staining her glittering dress, the disbelief in her eyes, it was so _goddamn_ easy to walk away. It had been as natural as breathing to steer Lily away, to try, in his helpless sort of way, to comfort her. He’d hated to see the hesitation in her eyes like James could ever abandon Lily, could ever even _want_ to turn his back on her. For so long it was like he was trying to make her see what kind of person he was and finally it seemed, he’d broken through.

“That you are.” She says and her voice is soft, no trace of humor in it at all and suddenly James is breathless all over again. “D’you think we could wait a bit before rejoining the party?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Would appreciate it greatly if you let me know what you think !  
> Up next: Lily is faced with a choice.


	16. happens to you

Lily dips her brush into the tiny bottle of nail polish and gently dabs the excess on the side. Crouching over her knee, she applies the glittering scarlet to her big toe in small strokes. It’s always relaxed her, and with exams just around the corner she could do with a bit of calmness. She’s curled up in her favorite armchair, feet resting on the ottoman in front of her, idly listening to the chatter of the common room. 

Emmeline is busy at a review session for Charms that Lily hadn’t bothered to attend and Marlene is probably sleeping considering it’s noon on a Saturday. The common room isn’t too crowded, most people studying in the sunlight outside or preoccupied in the library. It’s almost strangely quiet for a weekend, but she supposes that has to do with the absence of a certain group of boys. Lily peeks her head around the side of the armchair, looking for a messy head of hair, but finds none. Sighing to herself, she returns to painting her toenails, completing her right foot. 

Just as she re-dips her brush and goes to start on the big toe of her left foot, she hears Yasmin Khan whispering loudly, “Can you  _ believe  _ that he snuck up on him like that? Bloody cowards, the whole lot of them!”

Lily furrows her brows together and shifts slightly to listen to the response, haphazardly painting the next toe. “He’ll be okay, won’t he?” And Lily recognizes Rory Spinnet’s timid voice, “He’s not going to die or something is he?”

“Don’t be thick,” Yasmin replies and it sounds as though she’s ruffling his hair, “He’s tougher than that.” Lily’s hands still completely on her toes, her last two unpainted. Her heart clenches in fear, it’s been months since the last Muggle-born attack on school, but perhaps someone has been attacked again.

“Can’t we go visit him?” Rory asks after a few moments. Lily shifts even more towards the direction of their voices, their footsteps moving steadily away.

“Once his friends leave, the whole team will go up, yeah?” Yasmin reassures, “You know how they are and I doubt Pomfrey would want us all crowding James’ bed.”

Lily’s nail polish bottle topples off the ottoman as she stumbles off the armchair. Rory and Yasmin whirl around to look at her. “What’s happened to James?” She demands, standing so close to Rory that his face goes white. 

“What?” Yasmin asks incredulously, “You mean you don’t  _ know _ ?”

“Stop being all suspenseful!” She snaps and has half a mind to pull the Prefect card. 

“He got attacked,” Rory blurts out and his expression has morphed into one of sympathy, “Er—apparently, Severus Snape attacked him from behind.”

Severus Snape. Severus Snape attacked James from behind. Lily’s hands shake, her eyes falling to her painted toenails. Before she knows it, she watches her feet start to move, pulling her away from the common room and towards the portrait hole. Yasmin and Rory call after her, but she can hardly hear them over the pounding in her ears and the stomping of her bare feet on the cold marble.

Severus attacked James. It’s nothing that hasn’t happened a thousand times, she thinks to herself, but  _ behind his back _ . Like a bloody coward. Severus is an ace at dueling, but James is nothing to scoff at, she’s sure if he’d seen Severus they’d  _ both  _ be in the hospital wing. Her feet sting on the floor, stray bits of debris digging into her skin. James has to be alright, he’s  _ James Potter  _ for Merlin’s sake. She’s seen him survive a fifty foot fall from the Quidditch pitch, there’s no way that a stray curse from Severus is going to put him out of commission. 

But, her mind reminds her cruelly, Rory had thought it was serious enough to contemplate death. Lily sprints as fast as her short legs will let her, passing several students down flights of stairs. Everything is whirl, she’s hardly able to tell apart real people from portraits, too busy contemplating how James must look. His tan, smiling face could be scarred and mangled for all she knows, he could be crying. Her heart starts to free fall into her stomach, falling and falling until her hands reach the doorway of the hospital wing and then it stills completely. 

She almost slams into the door considering how fast she’s running, but manages to stop herself just in time. Gingerly she extends her hand to the doorknob, twisting the thing open slowly and steps through. She spies Sirius, Peter and Remus sitting around a bed, but they block her view of the occupant. Her feet make little sound without any shoes on, but Remus cranes his neck around till his gaze lands on her. 

“Hey,” he says softly, lifting up a hand to wave at her. She does her best to say it back at him, but her heart is crawling up into her throat, clogging any words that might come. “Come join the party.”

His words are light which Lily hopes means that it’s not so serious. She moves slowly, the hospital floor suddenly very cold under her feet. She creeps past Sirius who hasn’t bothered to look over at her and waves feebly at Peter. Her eyes flicker towards the bed and she lets out a tiny gasp. 

James has his glasses off, his eyes closed. If she didn’t know any better, he could just be sleeping. But every now and then, he twitches, the hand on his stomach clenching lightly before he relaxes once again. His jaw is clenched tightly, but mercifully his face is unmarred. There’s a strip of bandages running across his right shoulder, his throwing arm, the tan skin peeking out of the edges a rusty red. Though his features are pulled to neutral, there’s something  _ wrong  _ about seeing his face so expressionless. James hasn’t looked or felt neutral about anything a day in his life. 

“Why didn’t you guys tell me what happened?” Lily manages to croak out once she’s standing at the edge of the bed. James’ hand moves violently and Lily’s twitches towards him, but thinks better of it, tucking it back into the pocket of her jeans. 

Sirius turns to look at her for the first time, his hands carefully holding James’ glasses. Though when he speaks, there’s nothing careful about it, just a disgusted sneer. “Well  _ maybe  _ we didn’t want to hear your cock and bull excuses for dear ol’ Snivelly.”

Lily’s heart thuds. “I—I wouldn’t make any excuses for him.”

“Really?” He spits back at her, grey eyes fiery, “You’re not thinking that maybe James provoked him? That maybe James said something and he deserves this?”

Lily’s stomach churns. A year ago she would’ve thought that James had probably started the whole thing, that there must have been a rational reason why Severus would do this. But times have changed. “I would never think that!” 

But Sirius seethes even more at her defense, not bothering to lower his voice when he snaps, “Oh for fuck’s sake, give me a break, Evans—”

“Sirius,” Remus says sharply, “Stop lashing out. We’re all worried about James, including Lily. She’s not to blame here.”

“You’re right, Snape is to blame.” He declares and the anger in his eyes morphs into something dark, something that sends chills down her spine. “I’m going to rip his arms off him and I swear to fucking god, Evans, if you tell me I should be nice to him because his parents didn’t hug him enough, I’ll have a go at you, too!”

Lily has been defending the wrong boy for so long. She’d wanted to see the good in Severus, but she doesn’t know if she was imagining it ever existing in the first place. She closes her eyes, tries to remember anything good she and Severus had done together but all her mind conjures up is a horrible image of James bleeding out in the corridor. Somehow she doubts Severus would’ve taken him to the hospital wing. 

She remembers all the times she’d promised Severus that he was her best friend, that nothing could change it. Lily never thought that growing up meant they had to grow apart too. She’d once thought she knew Severus like the back of her hand, but now she wonders if she ever knew him at all; if he’d always been capable of this cruelty and she’d just been too blind to see it. She glances at Sirius, who is burning with rage at Severus, but holding onto James’ glasses with a gentleness she didn’t know he possessed. She remembers the way that he and James finish each other’s sentences, their fierce protectiveness, and thinks that maybe she’s never had a best friend like that. Or if she and Severus were best friends at all, they were never meant to last forever.

“Sirius,” Remus tries again tiredly, but Lily sees that his eyes are focused on James.

“What, Remus?” Sirius hurtles back, channeling his rage at Remus now, “Snivellus is gonna put one of those fucking masks on in a few months and next time James won’t be in a hospital bed, he’ll be six feet under!”

Lily hears a noise and it’s only Peter turning concernedly towards her that allows her to realize it was her. She lifts up her hand to swipe at her cheeks, tries not to imagine what James would look like if he wasn’t just hurt, wasn’t just asleep, but really and truly dead. But the image is already in her head and she can hardly breathe, leaning against the hospital bed, crying so hard that she’s making enough noise to wake up the entire castle. 

“Oh for—for fuck’s sake, Lily.” Sirius says, suddenly taken aback, “Don’t  _ cry _ .”

“I’m—I’m sorry, I’m being stupid.” She manages to get out in between her tears. She remembers Sirius’ warning, that Snape was more than capable of taking part in the incident with Rory and Jane. “You were right about him.”

Sirius makes an uncomfortable face, “Well, I always thought I’d be happy you said that but it actually feels kind of shitty.”

She tries for a smile, but ends up sniffling loudly. She turns her eyes back to James and even unconscious the sight of him soothes her. “What exactly happened to him?”

Peter jumps to, seemingly eager to do anything if it doesn’t involve comforting a crying girl. “He was walking back from the library, from his tutoring session. None of us were with him, and then, well apparently—” Peter stumbles, looking warily over at Remus for help.

But Sirius finishes the story, the loathing in his voice once again, “Snape cast a curse on him from behind a crowd of people, the coward. James didn’t see him so he couldn’t cast a countercurse.”

Remus frowns, shaking his head in disgust. Though he’d always refused to take part in their bullying of Severus, he looks very much as though he wants to jinx him now. “I doubt he could’ve even if he’d seen him. This is dark magic. Not something a simple  _ protego  _ is going to help with.”

“James started bleeding from his shoulders, like massive cuts all over his arms and shit.” Peter continues, glancing at Remus for confirmation before saying, “We think it was the same curse Snape used—er—after O.W.L.s last year.”

Lily’s lower lip wobbles, her vision just slightly blurs once more. Even back then, even back when she actively called him her friend, he used dark magic. “Mulciber told me that Severus had invented dark curses.” She swipes at her eyes again, sitting down at the edge of James’ bed so she doesn’t fall over in her misery. “I’m so stupid. How could I think he would’ve never used them?”

Sirius extends a hand to her knee and pats it, somewhat awkwardly. “You’re not stupid. You just put your faith in the wrong person.” She looks blearily at him to find him looking at her with a sad smile. “Stop crying.”

Despite herself, she chokes out a little laugh. “That’s not very helpful.”

He shrugs, looking back at James with such fondness that she’s surprised James doesn’t wake up with the sheer intensity of his gaze. “I’m not too good at the whole comforting thing. Just wait till James wakes up again.”

Lily’s mind whirls at the ‘again’, “You spoke to him? How is he? Did he say it hurt? How long does he have to stay here? Is he going to—”

“Easy, Lily. He wasn’t in terrible pain.” Remus placates, holding up a hand to settle her, “Once Madame Pomfrey figured out how to stop the bleeding, it wasn’t too bad.”

Lily furrows her brows, Madame Pomfrey is an extremely talented Healer. “She didn’t know how to at first?”

Peter shrugs, “She’d never seen this kind of magic before.” Dark magic, he doesn’t say, but Lily hears it nonetheless.

Remus continues on, his voice gentle and comforting, “But, once the bleeding stopped, the pain dulled. He was even joking around with us.”

The knot forming in Lily’s stomach should loosen by now, but it only tightens further. “Did he think he knew  _ why  _ Severus attacked him?”

“No.” Remus says and then his gaze turns a little sharper, “Do you have any idea?”

“No, I… I don’t know. Maybe.” Lily admits, tears finally ceasing, but guilt bubbling instead.

“It’s not about you, Evans.” Sirius says and she looks at him again to find him with a knowing expression.

“How do you know?” She asks desperately.

“Bit conceited, are we?” He jokes mildly, before shrugging, “I’m sure you played a part in it. Neither of them can keep their head when it comes to you, but it’s always been bigger than that.”

Lily knows that she and James have been falling into a friendship, an everlasting one, but the backdrop has always been to a rageful Severus. She could pretend all she wants, but she’s noticed his betrayed eyes, his murderous aura. “But what if… what if Severus attacked him because of how friendly I’ve been with James? Because he was angry?”  _ What if it’s my fault James is like this? _

Sirius shakes his head vehemently, “Then that’s  _ his  _ fault. He loathes James and I’m sure you’re a part of it, but you can’t control anything he does. Even if he starts cursing James in your name doesn’t mean you had anything to do with it.”

Despite herself, Lily feels the knot loosening at Sirius’ words. She smiles at Sirius, a sudden burst of fondness in her chest for the boy. “Thought you said you weren’t any good at comforting.”

Sirius doesn’t quite flush, but he does look slightly away from Lily. “That wasn’t comforting, that was stating facts.”

There’s a few moments of silence in which all of them turn to James. Funny, he always seemed to know what to say. Lily watches the gentle rise and fall of his chest, remembers how comforting it was to see him breathe after her fight with Mulciber and Carrow. Just seeing the proof that he was alive, that someone so blindingly good still existed in the world made Lily feel like the whole world was painted a hopeful yellow.

“Where are your shoes, Lily?” Peter asks, breaking Lily out of her reverie.

Lily flushes, looking down at her mostly painted toes. “I—er—left them in the common room. Kind of ran here as soon as I heard.”

“Without your shoes?” Remus says and she whips her head around to look at him just barely concealing a laugh.

“Shut up! I was worried about him.” She says defensively, though they’re all giving her an uncomfortably knowing look. She lowers her voice quietly, knowing that this is the one place she could voice her thought and be met with agreement. “I couldn’t stand it if anything happened to him.”

Sirius grins at her and it feels something like camerdarie. “Welcome to the club, Evans.”

She lets out a teary laugh, “What club is that?”

“The one that worships the ground below my feet, of course.” They all whip their head around at the strained voice that had spoken and find James squinting around at them, struggling to pull himself to a sitting position.

“James!” Lily gasps, moving so quickly that she’s sure she’s overwhelming him. She squeezes into the tiny space next to James, just barely fitting in, but she needs to see him up close, needs to see the smile on his face with utmost clarity. Sirius is holding back laughter as he tosses James his glasses back. He wrangles them on quickly, his hazel eyes focusing on Lily immediately. He gives her his trademark, troublemaker grin and Lily feels tears dripping onto her cheeks once more.

“Oh, Lily, don’t cry. I’m alright, I promise.” James says smiling, shifting on the bed so she has more room. He lifts a hand to her shoulder, fingers playing with strands of her hair. “It doesn’t even hurt that much!”

“Shut up, you look horrible!” Lily says defensively, resisting the urge to poke him in the stomach. 

“Gee, thanks.” He says sarcastically and then looks carefully at her face. His eyes look piercingly at her own and she finds her breath stalling momentarily. “You don’t look much better.”

Lily sniffles loudly and extends her hands to hug him, but stops abruptly. It would probably not be the best idea to touch his injuries right now. “I’m so glad you’re okay!”

James just shrugs, always cavalier with the rules and pulls her with one arm and hardly a grimace on his face, into a hug. She tucks her head under his chin, careful not to put any weight on his body and just lets her hand settle on his waist. “Me too, would’ve been depressing if I’d kicked it before I graduated.”

Lily pulls away from him quickly, panic coming out in the form of annoyance, “Don’t talk like that!”

“Oh it was a joke!” James says, rolling his eyes at her.

“I don’t like jokes!” She throws back, but finds her lips twitching and wondering how the first thing James Potter is able to do after waking up from an injury is make her smile so easily.

“I’m afraid this friendship must come to an end, then.” He says dramatically.

Lily frowns, “Don’t ever say that again either.” She tips her voice back into a serious tone, not allowing herself to cry though the smile on James’ face threatens to make her, “I won’t listen to you make jokes about dying. Your life is too important to me.”

“Yeah?” He says softly, disbelievingly.

“Of course! I love you, you idiot.” She launches at him, unable to bear the thought of James Potter not knowing how much she cares about him. There is a momentary silence in which James looks as though she’s hit him over the head, his hazel eyes comically wide, his head tilting to the side, looking at her like she’s a bloody unicorn or something. Lily flushes, “Don’t make it weird! You’re one of my best friends and I love you, there’s nothing strange about that!” She whirls around to the other occupants of the room that she’s been ignoring up until this point. “Right guys?”

“Of course.” Remus agrees, his lips twitching.

“Nothing strange at all!” Peter says and he doesn’t even bother not laughing as he says it.

Sirius mutters under his breath, “Completely normal.”

When Lily turns back to James he is looking at her with such an intimate gaze that suddenly she’s glad none of the boys can see her from this angle. James reaches out to grab Lily’s hand, his callouses endearing against her skin. He squeezes her hand thrice and Lily receives the message loud and clear.  _ I love you _ . She gazes at him for another moment, just drinking in the fact that though injured, James has never looked quite so alive.

“Oh Miss Evans, please! I need to treat my patient!” Madame Pomfrey’s voice breaks them out of their reverie, Lily abruptly lets go of James’ hand with an intense flush. “You can come back and cling to your boyfriend again later!”

“He’s not my boyfriend!” She protests, looking at the woman because she can’t stand to see the shit-eating grin on Sirius’ face.

“Whatever he may be, I need you to get off this bed now.” Pomfrey commands and obediently Lily hops off the bed and goes to stand behind Sirius’ chair. “And the lot of you should wait outside, I need to re-do these bandages and give Mr Potter another potion.”

“We’re not going anywhere. We’ll wait right here.” Sirius argues immediately and Pomfrey must see the fierceness in his eyes because she looks as though she’s going to have a hernia.

“Oh for heaven’s sake!” She says, waving her arms in the air, “Go on then, sit back on the chairs. Not a peep out of you, understood?”

“Yes ma’am!” They chorus altogether.

Pomfrey rolls her eyes, turning back to James with a stern expression. “As for you Mr Potter, are you going to be able to stay still with all these distractions?”

“Yes, I’ll be a good boy.” He says cheekily grinning at her.

Pomfrey scowls, pulling out fresh bandages from the pocket of her robes, “Honestly, you boys, always wanting to crowd up my wing and interfere with my work.”

“Can’t help that we care about each other.” James says softly and though he’s talking about the boys, his hazel eyes are focused solely on Lily. 

/ 

Sixth year comes to a close not much later. Lily’s hours of studying pay off and she leaves her exams with a sense of peace, knowing she’s done well. It’s a wonder that she manages considering the whirlwind her life has been in the last few weeks. She can’t look at James without smiling and can’t look at Severus without scowling. It’s been extremely distracting trying to avoid looking at either of them, but somehow she’d managed without having a mental breakdown.

Lily pulls her trunk behind her, shoulders brushing with Marlene and Emmeline as they make their way from the carriages to the Hogwarts Express. She eyes the train sadly, remembering there are only a handful of train rides left in her life. “I can’t believe we’re going to be seventh years now.” She says quietly to her friends.

Marlene looks over at her, identical bittersweet look in her eyes. “You know, I always looked forward to it, but now it’s just kind of sad.”

“Kind of wish we could stay here forever, hm?” Emmeline says as they all step onto the train, struggling to pull their trunks with them.

“Sirius was just saying the same thing.” James appears from the doorway, already having stowed his trunk away. He lifts Emmeline’s with ease, sliding it into one of the shelves next to a few owls. He grabs Lily’s before she can ask him to and slides it next to Emmeline’s, but Marlene valiantly tries to put hers up herself as James watches with amusement. “Fancy sitting with us?” He asks while Marlene struggles in the background.

“That’d be nice,” Marlene grunts, finally pushing her trunk into place. She sticks her tongue out at James childishly as he rolls his eyes. “I can kick Sirius’ ass in Exploding Snap again.”

“Please don’t play again,” Emmeline says as they start walking down the hall to find James’ compartment. “Last time you burned my eyebrow off.”

“We grew it back!” Sirius says, having overheard the conversation from their open door. 

“Too thick!” Emmeline complains, pushing Sirius as she makes her way into the compartment. 

“And then I plucked it for you!” Marlene laughs along with Sirius, both of them looking far from remorseful.

Emmeline makes a face, “Which was horrible!”

“Hang on,” Lily says, reaching out to tug at the hem of James’ t-shirt. It has RIVERS emblazoned across the back, one of the Chasers for Puddlemere United. He turns to look at her over his glasses. “Let them get all that energy out before we get in there.”

He nods, shutting the compartment door, ignoring Remus’ quizzical gaze. He leans against the window, the space between the door and the wall minimal, so Lily stands off to the side as to not crowd him. The train starts to chug out of the station, the halls mostly empty as all the students have taken their place inside their compartments. 

“How’ve you been?” James asks, running a hand through his hair. She eyes his shoulder carefully, checking for any indication that his wounds still ache, but his movement is fluid. 

She hasn’t quite avoided him since the hospital incident, but she hasn’t been alone with him either. It’s hard to be when all she can think about is him bleeding out in the Hogwarts corridors without any friends to help. There’s a constant outflow of concern and fondness pouring out of her whenever she looks at him, that she finds herself breathless in his presence.

“Shouldn’t I be asking you that?” She throws back, settling back into their familiar rhythm, missing it though she’s seen him every day. She fingers the hem of her skirt, playing with the frayed edges of the denim. She glances up at him, the sunlight streaming in from the windows, giving her a clear view of how handsome he looks. “How’re your wounds?”

“I’m good as new.” He tells her knowingly, “Don’t worry about me.”

Lily sighs, shifting so she’s standing right in front of him. The hall is so cramped that their toes touch and she can hardly move without colliding with him. It should be awkward, but somehow being so close to him has never felt anything but natural. “But, you looked so… un-James-like.”

James grins at her like he’s trying to prove just how James-like he is once more. “Appreciate you worrying, but honestly, I’m great. Madame Pomfrey fixed me up.”

“Unfortunately.” A familiar voice interrupts and Lily twists her head to lay her eyes on Severus. Behind him Avery stands menacingly, but Lily finds that the usual spark of fear has dulled in the presence of rage for her old friend.

James sneers at the pair of them, his affectionate smile fading into something malicious, “Need something, Snivelly?”

And just like that Lily remembers the kind of cruelty that James is capable of. Remembers that despite his blinding goodness and endearing smile, he had once been a cruel, arrogant boy who took Severus’ pants off in front of a crowd of people. She glances sideways at him, and once she would’ve looked away from the sheer disgust on his face, but finds that she wants to look, wants to know it. She cares about him now and that includes the confusing cocktail of all the horrible things he’d done and the unmistakably good ones.

Severus doesn’t glance at her. “You’re crowding up the halls, Potter.” Then he twirls the wand in his hands, still clad in robes though they’re headed back to the Muggle world. “Would hate for something to happen to you again.”

Lily’s blood runs cold at the callousness in his voice. James straightens, turning to completely face Severus, his back covering Lily just slightly. “Oh yeah? Sure you’ll be able to duel when you’re not facing my back?”

Severus scoffs, “Sure you’ll be able to handle yourself without your entourage?” 

“Oh yeah, I see you’re all by yourself.” James throws back sardonically, tilting his chin in Avery’s direction.

“How the tables have turned.” Severus sneers back, clearly reveling in the fact that he thinks it’s going to be two against one.

And then something snaps inside Lily like the glowsticks she and Severus used to play with as children. James is not a malicious, sixteen year old boy anymore. He is the man who convinced the school not to descend into chaos. He is the man who comforted Lily when it seemed like the world was falling apart. He is the man who saved Severus’ life. There are still moments when she sees James struggling with not jinxing Slytherins, not spouting vicious words, but James is an active work in progress. He was a cruel boy once, but right in front of her eyes she’s watched him start to blossom into an undeniably good man.

But Severus is regressing. The goodness she had hoped he’d possessed has filtered out through the years leaving a hard shell of someone she hardly even recognizes.

“I don’t see how they have.” Lily says coldly, shifting her gaze to Severus with a disgust she didn’t know she could possess towards him. “You have Avery and James has me.”

James turns to look at her, concern bright through the smudges of his glasses. “Lily…”

But she ignores him, pulling him slightly so she can speak directly to Severus. “What, Severus? Didn’t think I’d back up my friend?” She takes a step towards him, looking at his skin going a shade paler than it usually is. “Try another stunt like last time and you’ll have  _ me  _ to deal with.”

She watches Severus swallow, watches his eyes stutter from Lily to James as though he’s trying to put the pieces together. He stares at her for a moment, but there isn’t any fear there, nor any remorse. If anything he looks betrayed, as though she is the one who ended their friendship.

“You gonna let her talk to you like that?” Avery spits, lurking behind Severus like his own personal devil.

“Whatever.” Severus says finally, looking away from Lily to the ground, the knuckles on his wand a painful white. “Let’s get out of here. She’s not worth it.”

“Potter seems to think so.” Avery sneers at her, his voice dripping with misplaced superiority, “Common move for a mudblood; whoring herself out to the nearest, desperate pureblood.”

“What the  _ fuck  _ did you just say?” James growls, taking a step so his chest is pressed right against Lily’s back.

“Is that what you think too,  _ Sev _ ?” She asks, saying the nickname deliberately, watching the minute guilt flicker in his eyes. Funny how he still cares about her, but pays no heed to who she cares for.

“I—I—” He stutters and a cruel part of Lily enjoys his discomfort. But when he looks back up at Lily, his black eyes are cold like hollow caves. “I don’t spare any thoughts for you.”

Lily’s blood that was steadily chilling, boils. “How the hell did you get like this?” She spits at him, not even sure why she’s asking in the first place. “I used to—to cry about you all the time! But now I just feel sorry for you.”

His eyes flash with anger, one that she’s never seen directed at her. “You feel  _ sorry  _ for me?”

“You use dark magic. You attack people behind their backs. You hurt innocent people.” She hurtles the words as though they are physical blows and watches him flinch at every accusation. “I thought I saw good in you, but I’m not sure where it went, if it was ever there in the first place.”

“Lily—” Severus starts, his voice hardly a whisper. For a moment he sounds so young, so much like the boy she used to love, but when she looks at him, she knows he’s not nine years old anymore. He’s all grown up into a boy who believes in the wrong side of a war.

“Do me a favor and leave me the hell alone.” She spits. She leans back slightly, reassured by the weight of James and then with a fierce surge of protectiveness, “And if you ever use that disgusting spell again, I’ll make you regret it.”

Avery scowls, thick eyebrows furrowing angrily, “Severus, are you really—.”

“You can fuck off too, Avery.” James says loudly. It’s not his usual, cruel tone that he reserves for Slytherins, it just sounds dismissive. “Lily and I could outduel you with our hands tied behind our backs. Care to find out?”

Avery opens his mouth, surely to spill horrible words or cast heinous curses, but he doesn’t get a chance. Severus gives one last burning look at Lily and then pushes past Avery, black robes billowing behind him like a bat. Avery gives them one scathing look, knowing it would be hopeless to fight them without any backup and follows his friend. 

The second they’re out of earshot, James gently twists Lily around, speaking softly, “Are you alright?”

“Yes.” She answers, looking up at his hazel eyes. God, she wants to clean the smudges from his glasses.

“You're shaking.” He says, both hands rubbing her shoulders.

“I just… I feel so stupid for defending him for so long. You know I used to wish that we could be friends again.” She admits shamefully, waiting for the pity to cross in his eyes, but it never does. How foolish must’ve he thought she was, still having faith in a boy like Severus. “It shouldn’t have taken him cursing you for me to shut the door on him.”

James shakes his head vehemently, “I don’t want you to pick me over a friendship. I’m not worth that.”

Lily furrows her brow at his words, utterly perplexed. “I thought you hated him?”

James smiles sheepishly, running a hand through his hair. “Yeah, but I love you, remember?”

Lily watches the words fall from his lips, hears them clearly, but still can’t quite believe he’s said them. He’s never going to cease to surprise her, she thinks dumbly, staring at him open-mouthed. In this moment, he is completely selfless, putting Lily so entirely over his own wishes, selfless in a way no one has ever been for her. She looks at his lips for a moment, suddenly overwhelmed with the urge to kiss him. He looks back at her for a beat like he knows exactly what she’s thinking, but she isn't embarrassed, feels as though she's wanted this for longer than she's been aware of. She meets his eyes once more, so utterly floored with the sheer  _ love  _ in his gaze.

“Then you should know I’m not choosing you, I’m choosing  _ me _ .” She says firmly, beaming at him. “You just happen to be on the same side as me.”

James grins at her, one hand affectionately tugging at the ends of her hair, “I’ll be on your side until the end, Evans.”

Lily looks at him, tries to read his mind the way he always seems to read hers. James is not the kind of guy who makes friends to have someone to go to Hogsmeade with or copy homework off of. When he loves someone, Lily is blindingly sure that he would willingly, without an inch of hesitation, die for them.

“Don’t say stuff like that, not if you don’t mean it.” Lily breathes, suddenly feeling as though they’re standing far too close together, but rooted to the spot. 

“I  _ do _ mean it.” He urges softly and though they are in a rattling train with various conversations echoing, his voice is so tender that it feels like they are completely alone. 

“And that’s what scares me.” She admits, reaching out her hands to pull his away from her shoulders. She clasps them tightly in her own. “James, when I was looking at you lying in that bed, I realized exactly how not okay I’d be if something happened to you.” 

Her hands shake in his. “Nothing is happening to me.” He says with such certainty that she almost believes him. Almost. 

“You don’t know that.” She argues, squeezing his hands. She looks at him, with his messy hair and his smudged glasses, everything that had once seemed so ridiculous, but now wraps her up in an embrace like she is curled around her favorite blanket. He is so special, she thinks, so much more special than even he, at the height of his arrogance, ever thought he was. He is not the kind of guy who you just casually know in school. James Potter  _ happens  _ to you and when he does you never know what’s going to happen to your life. Lily is lucky enough to have her days painted in vibrant shades of red and yellow, pink and blue, all the colors of happiness she never knew she wanted.

“Always defending me and getting involved in this war… it could end so badly for you. I just don’t want to see you get hurt.” She tries, one last ditch attempt at not allowing herself to  _ happen  _ to him as well.

“And I could never stand to see  _ you  _ get hurt.” He says, caressing her fingers with the gentlest of touches. And just like that, Lily never wants to let go of his hands, never wants to say goodbye to his smiling face, never wants anything less than the bubbling warmth he gives her.

She launches herself at him, even through the short distance, wrapping her arms tightly around his waist, allowing him to lift her just slightly in the air. She listens to his heart beat rapidly and wonders whether hers beats in sync. He runs his fingers through her hair, smiling into her forehead and she has never felt love coursing through her veins quite so clearly before. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that is their sixth year drawn to a close. Up next we've got some summer adventures planned! Would love it if you dropped a comment !


	17. dearest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James gets some surprising news!

Dear Evans,

How’s your summer been? I’ve gotten so used to the sound of your voice that I’m trying to convince dad to hook your fireplace up to the floo network. Sirius and I think we could probably do it without his help, but better not. Reckon I’d take advantage of that and pop in to see you daily. 

What else are we doing with our time, you may ask? We went bar-hopping yesterday, and let me tell you vodka tastes like dragon piss, I wouldn’t recommend it. Honestly, I still feel drunk as I’m writing this, so don’t mind the bad handwriting. But my point is: we should meet up soon, yeah? 

Love,

The Handsomest Boy in Seventh Year

p.s.

Can I ask you a question?

/

Dear the handsomest boy in seventh year (I had no idea you wanted to write to me so much, Sirius), 

It’s been exactly four days since we last saw one another. Miss me so much already? I’d be open to the floo to be honest, though mum wouldn’t like dust all over the place. 

So far, all I’ve done is help Petunia plan her wedding, and by help I mean laugh at her ideas behind her back and pretend I think that tangerine is a good color for the bridesmaids dresses. I could’ve told you vodka tasted like piss; Marly and I snuck into her dad’s cabinet a few years ago. I know _exactly_ how shit you’re feeling right now. 

Yes, we should meet up soon. The fair I mentioned to you a while back is in a few weeks, July 15th. Pass on the message to the other boys for me, will you? You lot are welcome to stay the night. 

Love, 

Lily

p.s.

Technically that was already a question, but I suppose you can ask another one. 

/

Dear Lily,

First of all, I’m very offended you think Sirius is the most handsome boy in our year. And here I was thinking we had something special. Your sister sounds like she has horrible taste, I mean how is your hair going to go with an orange dress? (That’s my inner-Marlene talking, I’m sure you could pull anything off). 

I’ve told the boys, they’re excited to come. We’ll take a Portkey as Pete can’t Apparate just yet, see you at around 10?

Don’t laugh at how stupid my question is going to be, but how do I talk to my dad? Okay, haha, get your laughs out now. But really, I feel like he hates me for not coming home this year. 

Yes, I am missing you

James

/

Dear James,

Don’t worry, I think you’re very handsome as well. 

Maybe Petunia wants me to look ugly on her wedding day. I wouldn’t put it past her. I suppose I’ll suck it up and do whatever she wants, she’s the bride after all. Sweet of you to think I could pull off tangerine, but you are sadly mistaken. Red hair’s got to have its downsides. 

See you at 10 in a few weeks. 

Your question isn’t stupid and I didn’t laugh. I’m sure your father doesn’t hate you. I remember the way he hugged you at the train station. I think he missed you very much. Just try not to let your guilt filter everything you’re seeing, yeah? I’m sure you remember how to speak to your dad. Let me know how that goes. 

Alright, I’m missing you lots too,

Lily 

/

Dear Lily,

Red hair is magical and all redheads are beautiful. I mean, I heard one of the Weasley brothers, Arthur, is having like an army of little red headed children. I hope he has enough to make a Quidditch team, I think I’d like that many kids. 

Remus and Peter came to stay for a week or so. We’ve already broken a large number of things: lamps, coffee tables, a sofa and even a bed (which is not as inappropriate as it sounds). What about you? Have you seen the girls at all?

I tried talking to dad, but it didn’t go very well. It was awkward and I’ve never been awkward with my family a day in my life. We literally started talking about how hot it was outside. What do I do?

Love,

James

/

Hi James,

Sorry for the late response, things have been a right mess at home. I’ll fill you in when I see you. I can’t quite bring myself to write about it. 

Seven kids is a lot. I think I’d like to have a big family too, though seven seems a lot for my little body to take. I think I’d be willing to settle for five. (Why are we family planning again?)

I need to hear this bed story. Whose bed was it? Please tell me it wasn’t your dad’s. I haven’t gotten up to any shenanigans, unfortunately. Mostly been hanging out with my parents. Marly’s gone on vacation to Paris with all her siblings, I’ve just been getting postcards from her. Em and I met up recently, apparently she’s been seeing a lot of Yasmin Khan over the summer, though you didn’t hear it from me. 

The way you talk about your father is one of the most endearing things I’ve seen you do. I hate to be blunt, but just because your mum is gone doesn’t mean you and your dad aren’t still family. It’ll be an adjustment to figure out your dynamic without her, but if you love him you’ll give it a proper try. Take it from me, sometimes you don’t know what you have until it’s gone. 

Wish you were here,

Lily

p.s.

Send me a photo of you, I’m beginning to forget what you look like.

/

Dear Lily, 

What’s happened at home? Who do I have to fight? 

We’re family planning because you need to know in advance if you’re trying to have seven kids, obviously. Jokes aside, should anyone really be having kids in the middle of a war?

The bed was indeed my dad’s. We were trying to replicate one of those Muggle water beds, but we ended up turning it into some weird sort of tank. Remus said that when he was a kid his mum used to have a fish tank, so we went to this lake near my house and tried our hand at fishing. Pete’s the only one who managed to catch something, so we wrangled it up and put it in my dad’s bed. I know, horrible idea. We put the sheets back on and everything and then when he went to sleep that night the thing popped under him and he was completely drenched.

What impact did this have on my growing awkwardness with my dad, you may ask? Honestly, I think he was a bit relieved. Thought things were suspiciously quiet this summer, he woke us up with how hard he was laughing and then made us clean it all up without magic. I’ve missed hearing him laugh.

Paris is nice, I went there when I was twelve with mum and dad. Hope Marlene’s enjoying herself. As for Emmeline, if she wants me to put in a good word for her with Yasmin, I’ll do it in a heartbeat. Yas could use someone to calm her down.

July 15th is only in a couple of days, so I reckon I’ll be seeing you before you get a chance to respond to this letter. I’m excited to see this fair (and you).

Love,

James

James finishes the letter off with a flourish, dropping the quill on the table. He lifts his hands, wraps them around the back of his head and tilts himself back and forth on his chair. It’s nice, in a different sort of way, talking to Lily like this. He’s never really noticed how neat her handwriting is until he’s read the way she curves the capital ‘J’ in his name. He watches the photo he’s planning on sending with an amused smile. It’s not recent, not nearly, he’s around eight in the photograph and has a party hat on his face. Every now and then, his parents duck in to press a kiss to his extremely chubby cheeks and he gives a gap-toothed grin. He’s fat and toothless and he thinks Lily will like it much more than any posed picture. 

James is just about to add a p.s. in which he asks for a photo of Lily when he hears Sirius shout, “OH MY FUCK!” James topples over the ink bottle in his surprise. “JAMES! JAMES! JAMES!”

“WHAT IS IT?” He yells back, tilting back on his chair again, hastily cleaning the spilled ink with a swish of his wand. He leans his ear towards the door, but he can’t hear much more than his friends’ raucous laughter.

“COME DOWN HERE, SON!” His father’s voice rings out and James startles.

Groaning to himself, he drags himself out of his chair to make his way down the flight of stairs. He passes their house elf, Annie, on the way and gives her a cheeky smile that she shyly returns. “What’re we all shouting about?” He calls, jumping two steps at a time. When he finally arrives into the kitchen, he lays his eyes on his friends and his father all gathered round the dining table, four cups of steaming tea in front of them. It’s shockingly common to find his friends lounging with his parents, as they find each other more amusing than they’ve ever found James. Usually Sirius can be found flipping through old vinyls with his dad, but today it seems they’ve all gathered around the dining table.

As he approaches them, he notes that all their eyes are twinkling. Peter looks as though he’s going to wet himself from laughter. “Why is everybody looking at me like that?”

“Congratulations, mate.” Remus smiles at him, clapping him on the back, lower lip twitching violently. 

“We’re really proud of you.” Peter adds on, though his voice is so high-pitched that James hardly processes the words. 

“Then why do you look ten seconds from pissing yourself?” James asks unimpressed, pulling up a chair for himself and settling down in it.

His father leans over to tell him, “Your Hogwarts’ letters came in today.”

James’ eyes flutter to the table and sees four thick envelopes he hadn’t noticed before. “And?”

Remus exchanges a glance with Sirius, both of them looking like Christmas has come extremely early. “Well, Pete wanted to try on the Quidditch captain badge and since you never let him—”

James groans, throwing a disgruntled look at Peter. “Did you guys lose it?”

“No!” He exclaims defensively, then his gaze flickers towards the letters. “There was just—er—something else in it.”

James makes a face at the secretive wording. “What is it?” He asks tentatively, but it seems that Sirius can’t hold himself back any longer. He bursts into loud barks of laughter, hitting the table with his fist. His eyes are shining and though James feels his lips twitching, he complains, “Stop laughing, Sirius!”

“I’m sorry, I can’t say this with a straight face.” Sirius manages, still sounding entirely breathless. He scoops up one of the envelopes, delight overtaking his features. “Dumbledore made you Head Boy.”

“He _what_?” James sputters, lunging to grab the envelope that Sirius is thrusting at him. “Gimme that!”

He flicks the letter open, finds that the seal is already broken, of course. Two badges come glinting out, one that has a golden ‘C’ on it, the same one he’s worn on his Quidditch robes since fifth year. The second, he picks up with shaking fingers, has the letters ‘HB’ stamped across, also a glittering golden.

James can’t be _Head Boy_! This badge is for people like Amos Diggory, who enjoy supervising detentions and making horrible speeches, that are supposed to be inspirational, but come out awkward. It’s for responsible people who haven’t broken every rule at Hogwarts, short of murder and lost more points than anyone else. It wasn't too long ago that James was jinxing twelve year olds’ tongues to lick the floors.

James’ stomach twists, a hand flying to his hair, pulling the strands away from his scalp. “Has he lost his mind?” He asks desperately, turning back to face everyone.

His father just waves a careless hand in the air, “Oh come on, Dumbledore is one of, if not the most, brilliant men I’ve ever met. I’m sure he knows what he’s doing.”

“By making _me_ of all people Head Boy?” James says incredulously, trying to emphasize the idiocy of that decision.

Sirius shrugs, leaning over to thump his shoulder roughly. “It could be worse, he could’ve made it Snivelly.”

Remus hums thoughtfully, tilting his head back and forth. “At least Snape has a brain, he could’ve made it Flint and then we’d all be doomed.”

“I’m sure Dumbledore had his reasons, Prongs.” Peter comforts, probably noticing the shell-shocked expression on James’ face. Sirius’ eyes flicker to him and he immediately dissolves into another bout of laughter.

“Yeah, did they include going absolutely off his rocker?” James snaps at Peter, waving the letter in the air. It’s hardly heard over Sirius’ chuckles. “Stop laughing, Sirius!”

Sirius’ laughs peter out, but he’s still grinning broadly when he speaks, “Okay, but d’you realize that now both you _and_ Remus can give those fuckers detention.”

Remus rolls his eyes, shoving Sirius none too gently. “You’re included in that category, you know.”

James throws a disbelieving hand in the air, “Can you two idiots stop bickering for thirty seconds, my entire life has fallen apart.”

His dad gives him an unimpressed stare, peering at him for under horn-rimmed glasses. “Don’t you think you’re being a little dramatic?”

“Look who you’re talking to.” James bursts out, feeling like his heart is beating too fast in his chest. “I can’t be Head Boy, dad, that’s too much responsibility for someone like me!”

“What does someone like you entail exactly?” His dad frowns, and it sounds as though he isn’t pleased with James’ words. It’s been a while since his parents have been exasperated by him. He’d run out of ways to annoy them by the time he turned thirteen.

“You know how many letters McGonagall has written you! I’ve gotten more detentions than the entire Quidditch team combined.” James exclaims, pulling at his hair again, ripping out a few in the process. He’s squeezing the badge so tightly in his other hand that it’s beginning to hurt. He imagines little versions of himself running around, wreaking havoc and jinxing students and ignoring anything he says because he’d done worse back in his day. 

“It’s impressive really.” Peter says, probably trying to sound comforting, but only succeeding in making James groan.

“Yeah for an idiot, not for _Head Boy_!” James says desperately, throwing the badge onto the table with a clatter. “I can’t… I can’t be a role model.”

“Hate to break it to you,” Remus interrupts, “but you already kind of are.”

James throws him a look of betrayal, wagging a finger at him. “You take that back, Remus!”

“Oh come on, James,” Sirius say, rolling his eyes, “it’s not that bad.”

“Yes it is.” He insists, panic rising inside him like one of those Muggle hot air balloons. “I’m going to send that badge back to Dumbledore.”

“Now, hold on just a minute.” His dad says finally, setting down his teacup to give James his full attention.

“Dad, I can’t be Head Boy, I’m a prat.” He says despondently, his back hitting the chair with force. 

“I won’t have any son of mine talking about himself like that.” His dad says sharply, hazel eyes fierce, “I thought your mother and I taught you to believe in yourself.”

“Dad.” He tries, voice suddenly thick with emotion. He can hardly even tell which emotions they are; panic and sadness, shame and reluctant pride, he feels like they’re all churning in his stomach violently. 

“Who better for children to look up to? You’re a troublemaker with a heart of gold.” His father presses, reaching out a hand to clap James on the shoulder. His grip is tight and firm and for a moment James feels as though he’s a child once more.

“But—”

“ _James_.” His father says, smiling slightly like James’ childish whining is music to his ears. “You’re a good person, with the right values and moralities. Don’t you think that’s a good thing for students to see; a Head Boy who believes in the rights of all people? Especially these days.”

James ponders over the words, knowing that in his heart, that _at_ _least_ he is a better choice than any blood purist. His mind flashes back to one of his fights with Lily, when she had shouted at him for cursing at twelve year olds. How foolish he had been, thinking that they were bound to become like their peers. Maybe, just maybe, in this position, he’d be able to lead people into the light, away from the poisonous vitriol that they heard everywhere.

He looks at his dad for a beat, feels the chasm that had developed between them sew itself shut like Muggle stitches. But when he looks closer at the proud smile his dad is wearing, he wonders whether the distance was ever there at all. His eyes flicker to the singular empty chair at the table, where his mother would usually sit. His father’s gaze tracks him and when he meets those twinkling eyes again, it feels as though his mum is smiling down at him as well.

“And plus, we all know who Head Girl is.” Remus says after a long silence. James whips his head up to look at Remus’ sly smile.

“Yeah, and you’ll even get to share a private office with her.” Peter throws in, blue eyes shining and James feels immediately guilty at how he’d been snapping at his friend.

“Could do lots of activities in that office.” Sirius mutters under his breath. His father hears it nonetheless, just giving Sirius an unimpressed stare that causes him to raise his hands in surrender.

“Oh God.” James breathes, momentary peace burst, “What if Lily thinks I’m a horrible choice for Head Boy?”

“Oh for fuck’s sake,” Sirius groans, standing up and walking all the way in front of James to shake his shoulders. “Wake the hell up, you idiot. Did you _see_ the way she looked at you after your whole speech?”

“What speech is this?” His father inquires with keen curiosity.

“It was after that incident with the two Muggle borns,” Remus fills in quickly, “James made—er—a sort of speech to the student body. Scolding all the Gryffindors who were pointlessly cursing any student they suspected of being involved. Told everyone off for doing the same thing they were angry about.”

James’ father breaks out into a shining smile, his laughter lines prominent. “That’s wonderful, son!” He says, pride so evident in his voice that James’ back straightens from it, “That’s exactly the kind of spirit the Head Boy should embody, don’t you think?”

James nods numbly, Sirius’ hands still tight around his shoulders. “James,” Sirius says, rolling his eyes, “I can’t believe you’re making me say this, but I reckon you’ll make a fantastic Head Boy.”

James sputters, taken aback by the sincerity in Sirius’ voice. “Just because I’ll let all your rule-breaking slide?”

“Mostly that,” Sirius grins, “But also because you’re a good person under all that ridiculous hair.” He says affectionately and then proceeds to ruffle James’ hair like he’s ten years old. 

“Oi!” James protests half-heartedly, swatting at his hands. But soon enough, all the occupants of the table come to crowd him, all their hands thumping at his back or ruffling his hair. 

“Come on,” His father says eventually, “I’ll get a bottle of firewhiskey to celebrate, shall I? Grab the glasses please, Sirius.” Sirius salutes obediently as his dad hobbles to the kitchen to go fetch the alcohol.

“Hang on a mo,” James says quickly to Remus and Peter who look at him, perplexed. “Just got to finish something!” He calls as he sprints up the stairs, taking three at a time until he’s back inside his bedroom. 

He bends over his desk, trying to figure out the cocktail of thoughts whirling in his mind, as he lifts the quill once more. He adds on a little message to the end of his letter to Lily, his handwriting shaky.

p.s. 

Dumbledore’s made me Head Boy. On a scale of one to ten, how bonkers do you think he is?

/

Dear James,

I promise I’ll tell you all about my home life when I see you. I really don’t think I can get it all out without you being here in front of me.

I don’t know, to be honest. With the war going on, it seems unfair to bring life into this world when everything is so uncertain. But I suppose, I see the appeal. It’s only natural to want to add something beautiful to this world, when everything seems as though it’s gone for a toss.

Your escapades never fail to amuse me. Honestly, I’m glad to hear that you’re not good at fishing, you can’t be good at everything, you greedy boy. And Merlin, your poor father. My mum would’ve thrown a fit if I’d done that. It’s nice to hear he found it funny and not completely ridiculous. See, he’s clearly very fond of you. Must’ve missed all the silly shenanigans you like to pull.

You can tell Emmeline yourself what you think of the Yasmin situation. Her and Marly will be back in time for the fair, so I expect you to embarrass her thoroughly. I’ve run out of all the good material. 

You were wrong! I got this letter before you arrived, so ha! This baby picture of you might be the most adorable thing I’ve ever seen. Merlin, you were so big! How did any broomstick even hold you back then? How did you possibly get so skinny by first year?

Congratulations on being Head Boy! I had my suspicions to be honest, you’ve done a lot of growing up this year. Suspect that Dumbledore hopes this will only do you (and the whole school) more good. I don’t think he’s mad at all. Well, I do, but not because of this. This is one of the wisest decisions I think he’s ever made. 

Can’t wait to see you and give you a congratulatory hug and drink!

Lots of Love,

Lily 

p.s.

I got Head Girl, so guess we’ll be seeing even more of one another than usual. Looking forward to working with you, Mr Potter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope the letter format wasn't too jarring, I was trying my hand at that. Would love it if you dropped a comment! Up next: the summer fair comes to town and James and Lily grow a little bit closer.


	18. sunkissed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the fair comes to town and James Potter can always make Lily smile.

Lily shakes her leg rapidly, eyeing the clock hung above her kitchen doorframe. It’s two minutes until 10 o’clock, but James and his friends have never exactly been known for punctuality. She shifts her gaze to the rest of the dining table; Emmeline blearily drinking a cup of Darjeeling tea, Marlene reading the Muggle newspaper with rapt attention. She flicks her gaze towards the stove, where her father is flipping blueberry pancakes for Lily. He feels her eyes on his and turns to face her with a knowing smile. 

“They’ll be here soon,” He says, waving his spatula in the air. She smiles gratefully at him, stopping the bouncing of her leg momentarily. She stands up and walks over to her father, popping a blueberry into her mouth from the bowl he has perched on the counter. He swats her hand away gently and just as she’s about to go for another, the doorbell rings. 

Lily’s eyes flicker towards Marlene for a split second, before she lunges towards the door. Half tripping over one another, they both arrive at the door at the same time, wrangling with the doorknob. Since Lily knows all the creaks and rhythms of her lock, she manages to get the door open first, elbowing Marlene back to fling the door open. 

Her gaze lands on James first, his glasses tilted just slightly. Though he’s smiling, the sight of which usually takes the majority of Lily’s attention, the thing that she notices most is his shirt. He’s never taken much stock in the Hogwarts’ dress code; going without a tie more often than not, his shirt unbuttoned and untucked, his robes swinging wildly. But today, his navy shirt is very firmly tucked into the waist of a dark pair of jeans. The shirt is buttoned all the way to the top, almost choking his Adam’s apple. She looks at him for a moment before bursting out into giggles. 

“What on  _ earth  _ are you wearing?” She asks, still laughing, stretching out her hands to unclasp the first button. His eyes widen comically, following the movement of her fingers, but quickly scrolls over her own outfit. She’d picked out a white sundress, patterned with huge yellow flowers, it’s strappy and thin and her father had frowned when he’d seen it (which was always a good sign).

“I’m trying to impress your parents.” He says, completely seriously which then sends Marlene into a fit of giggles. Lily gets the top three buttons undone, letting her hands brush the edges of his shoulders, enjoying the slight flush of his cheeks. 

“Lily, dear, please refrain from undressing guests at the front door!” Her father’s voice calls and Lily smiles at James before whirling around to meet her dad’s cheeky smile. 

“Hi,” James says, sounding thoroughly winded for a moment before he makes a sound halfway between a cough and a grunt. Lily suspects Sirius has elbowed him in the ribs. Lily turns back around to squeeze James into a hug, much taller than usual as her house is a step higher than the front porch. He returns it enthusiastically, wrapping strong arms around her waist as she presses her face into his cheek. 

“Hi boys!” She greets, letting go of James to face the rest. Remus gives her a small wave, Peter grinning at her from behind him. Sirius gives her a hasty salute before catching Marlene into a tight hug. 

“Hey, Evans,” Sirius greets over Marlene’s shoulder. “Hello, Mr Evans!” He calls to Lily’s dad. She peeks over at her father who smiles back at Sirius. She sidesteps, letting all the boys clamber into her house. 

“Please, call me David,” Her dad corrects, before turning his green eyes onto James. “You must be James Potter,” He says to the man in question, who grins at him. “Lily’s been talking about you all summer.”

James looks over at her with a sly smile, before sticking out his hand to her dad. He clasps it tightly, “All bad I assume?”

“Fifty-fifty,” Her dad concedes, smiling at James. He looks over at the rest of the boys, “And the rest of you, I’m afraid, will have to introduce yourselves.”

“Wow, Evans, I wonder who your favorite is?” Sirius says sarcastically, making Lily nudge him. 

“This one is Sirius,” Marlene laughs, sticking her thumb out at him, “The one wearing a sweater in the middle of July is Remus,” She says, pointing at him as he smiles politely at her father, “And the little one is Peter.” He gives a nervous wave.

“It’s very nice to meet you all,” Her dad says, “Would you like some pancakes? I’m making some for the girls.” His question is met with excited agreement, all of them clambering into her tiny kitchen to wake up Emmeline from where she’s fallen asleep on the place mat. Peter pokes her in the cheek and she jumps, knocking over a, thankfully empty, mug.

“Is that a football jersey?” James inquires to her dad as he leans against the counter, watching with intrigue as her dad starts pouring batter onto a pan. Sirius and Marlene start engaging in a discussion about her Paris trip, falling into an easy banter.

“It is!” Her father says excitedly, clad in a red Manchester United jersey. “Lily tells me you’re on the Quidditch team? Is that similar to football?”

“Yes, sir,” James replies. Lily watches him with keen interest, amused with his charming politeness. “The goals are a bit similar, with the—er—goalies?” Her dad nods, intrigued, “But there are a few differences. I’m not too well-versed in the rules of football, to be honest.”

“You should learn if you want to stay friends with this one over here.” Her dad says, swatting Lily’s hand away as it starts to approach the blueberry bowl once more. He glances over at Lily, throwing her a quick wink. “Although on second thought, Lily likes to shout at the telly when she watches, not very enjoyable.”

“Oh I wonder where I get that from?” Lily asks mockingly, poking her dad with a quick jab at the side of his stomach. He lets out a hearty laugh as Lily continues, “You only bother to stop when mum tells you to.”

“Speaking of, where  _ is _ Mrs Evans?” James inquires mildly, eyes flicking from Lily and her father with a fond smile. 

Lily stiffens at his question as Emmeline, seemingly awake enough to save Lily, says, “She’s gone out with Petunia.” James nods though he spares a questioning glance at Lily. She looks away, meeting Emmeline’s knowing eye. She shrugs her shoulders, though Emmeline’s gaze grows more reprimanding by the second.

“Lily tells me you lot get up to loads of trouble at school.” Her dad continues easily, sliding the first plate of pancakes to Remus. He must’ve noticed how skinny he was, Lily thinks with a smile.

Remus accepts it gratefully, exchanging an amused look with Peter before responding, “You could say that.”

“I like to think of it as ‘fun’,” Sirius continues, grinning wolfishly at her father. Her father has always been amused with Lily’s hijinks as a child, all her teacups turning into toads and scaring Petunia to tears (which was usually an accident).

“Trouble is a relative term,” James continues, seamlessly picking up the latter half of Sirius’ sentence. Her dad smiles at the exchange, continuing to flip pancakes.

“I’ll say,” Her father responds, laughing slightly, “Lily was quite a handful as a child, you know?”

“Dad!” Lily hisses, cheeks flaring.

“Oh yeah?” James asks, leaning forward towards her dad. “I’d  _ love  _ to hear these stories. She still gets up to all kinds of things, y’know.”

“Tell you what,” Her dad responds, handing a plate of pancakes to James with a conspiratory smile, “You fill me in on what she gets up to at school, and I’ll tell you all about her younger days.”

“Oh, it’s a deal, sir.” James grins, taking the plate gratefully from her father. Lily shoves him none too gently, swiping the plate away from him as she sticks out her tongue. 

“Behave yourself,  _ Potter _ .” She snaps, still smiling as she says it. Her father and James laugh in unison and it’s hard to say which one warms her chest more.

/

They walk away from her house, the fair close enough to reach without Apparation. Emmeline is jogging in front of them, resolutely ignoring all their teasing about Yasmin Khan, even covering her ears. Sirius laughs loudly at her reaction, “Oh come on, she  _ is  _ cute!”

“You know,” James says, leaning into Lily’s space, their shoulders brushing as they walk, “I reckon they’d make a rather good couple.”

Lily smiles up at him, the sight of James Potter in her Muggle neighborhood so bizarre that she needs a moment to drink him in. He’s untucked his shirt now, looking far more like her James than he had when he’d arrived. “As long as Em doesn’t let Yasmin steamroll all over her.”

“Fingers crossed,” James answers easily. “So…” He begins, shifting a little awkwardly. She raises her eyebrow, “Er—what’s been going on at home?”

Lily’s heartbeat quickens and she looks away from him, anger prickling in her chest uncomfortably. She feels more than sees James take a heavy breath, concern definitely rising in his eyes. Luckily she spots the entrance of the fair quickly, and uses it as a distraction, detaching her from James’ side. “Here, guys!” She jogs a little in front of them, excitedly handing over the Muggle money to the attendant for all of them. 

“Oh, you didn’t have to pay for all of us.” Remus says sheepishly, tucking his hands into his pockets. 

“Don’t be silly, this is my treat,” Lily says, handing each of them a ticket. Once they step through the initial entrance, a cheesy red curtain, all of them gasp simultaneously. She watches them from the corner of her eye, liking the sparkle in James’ eye, the brightness of Marlene’s smile and the delighted set of Remus’ shoulders. She tears her gaze away from them momentarily, eyeing the fair for herself. 

It hasn’t changed much from the last time it was here. There are still tiny teacup rides that whirl around violently, still the magnificent ferris wheel Lily has always loved, impossible carnival games with huge stuffed animals hanging above their booths. It’s a mish-mash of colors, red, blue, green, purple all colliding almost violently bright, but it suits summer, it suits the lot of them. She doesn’t think she’s ever met a more vibrant group of people in her life.

“Now,” Lily turns to them, all official like a tour guide, “there are a bunch of games round back, mostly target style which I think are right up your alley, Em. Sirius, I’m pretty sure they have a motorcycle towards that side, which I’m sure you can charm them into letting you ride.”

Sirius thumps Peter forward excitedly, a genuine smile rising up on his face as he moves. “Not actually charm!” She shouts at the pair of them to which they hardly listen, tumbling through the grass.

“We’ll go make sure he isn’t up to too much trouble,” Marlene smiles fondly, gripping Remus’ wrist, “ _ After  _ this one has a go at one of those weird rides.” She points at one of the strange metal contraptions, and though Lily is a Muggle born, she’s not sure she trusts the engineering enough to go on that death trap of a ride. 

Emmeline, Marlene and Remus start to move in that direction as James nudges her. “And what about me? What will I like at this fair, Miss Evans?”

“I  _ think _ you’ll enjoy the water-gun game very much, Mr Potter.” She smiles at him, grabbing his hand to tug them both in that direction. “Though you’ll find that most people don’t win. It’s supposed to be rigged.”

They approach one of the booths, the young attendant winking at Lily which she pointedly ignores when she hands over a few coins. Her and James bend slightly on the counter, his eyes excitedly taking in the red and white targets painted in the distance. Stuffed animals dangle above their heads, the tentacles of one plush octopus skimming James’ ears. 

“Setting me up for defeat, Evans?” He asks, grabbing one of the neon yellow, plastic guns and inspecting it with great curiosity. He runs his fingers over it carefully, eyes trying to find the trigger.

“Just warning you.” Lily laughs, moving his index finger to the bright red button on the side of the gun. She bends over herself, hoping that her sundress is long enough to prevent any stray wind that could blow her skirt up. “So you just press this button and you aim for those targets there. Got it?”

“Seems simple enough.” He says, eyes focused behind his glasses. And though Lily’s gaze is half on James and his desperate attempts to aim, she still does marginally better than him. Though his eyes are still, his hands can’t seem to get the hang of it, his tongue sticking out in concentration. Lily, at least, gets the outer edges of her target, but James goes into other people’s targets, sending a pair of eight year olds into a fit of giggles. 

Even the attendant has strayed away from newcomers to laugh at him. He holds a paper hat in his hand with the word ‘dunce’ crudely painted onto it. “Would you like the cap, mate?”

“No, I wouldn’t,  _ mate _ .” James says, gritting his teeth at the guy, his eyes still focused on the target in front of him, though the water has long since stopped flowing.

Lily holds back her laugh, taking the cap into her hands. “Yes! Yes he would, thank you very much!” Carefully, she slips it over his ears, tucking the elastic strap under his lightly stubbled chin. It snaps onto his head, flattening his mess of hair and succeeding in bringing a scowl to his face. “This reminds me of the baby photo you sent.” Lily laughs, staring at him fondly in his stupid blue shirt and ridiculous dunce cap. “God, I wish I had my camera.”

Begrudgingly, he slips into a smile as well. “Just mentally capture all this perfection. A camera couldn’t hold it.” He says, as he gestures at himself, wiggling his body slightly.

“Oh but my mind can?” She asks wryly, withdrawing her hands from the plastic gun. 

“Just barely.” He says seriously, taking the cap off, leaving the back of his hair standing up. James tosses it pointedly into a patch of dirt, getting flecks into the pristine white, making the attendant throw a dirty look at him. “You’re in luck I’m still wearing my clothes.”

Lily laughs, remembering with startling clarity how much she’d missed his silly jokes. “You are so ridiculous,” She says, nudging him hard enough for him to stumble. “Anyone ever tell you that?”

“You do. Almost daily. Though it’s been a few weeks.” He says, allowing her to lean the majority of her weight onto his body, as the attendant sets up their next round.

“Yeah,” she says, pretending to squint up at him pointedly, “now that you mention it, your head  _ does  _ look a bit bigger.”

“What would I do without you to knock me down a peg?” He says, his dimple appearing deeper than she remembers it being on his cheek.

“Guess we’ll never know.” She smiles, looking over at him. It’s only been a few weeks, but he looks just slightly different. His skin is tanner, a light smattering of freckles on the tip of his nose that she’s sure she would’ve noticed before. She wonders how much he’s going to change before they graduate. “Oh yeah!” She remembers suddenly, tugging down his shoulder to press a hard kiss to his cheek, right where the dimple is.

“Thank you, but why?” He says, thick eyebrows furrowing together. There’s just a slight imprint of Lily’s lipstick on his cheek. He doesn’t wipe it away. 

“For becoming Head Boy, of course.” She says, squeezing his shoulders, getting her feet back firmly on the ground.

“Oh, um, thanks.” He says, rubbing the back of his head sheepishly, flattening the part that had stuck up (more so than usual). His eyes flicker away from her, stuttering around the targets in front of them, lingering on a stuffed cat, but they don’t return to her. He takes the excuse of the attendant restarting their game, pressing the water button firmly, though his aim is as abysmal as ever.

“I thought you’d be a bit more excited about it.” Lily says, confused now, pressing her button, but not bothering to look where it’s spraying.

James shrugs, looking just the slightest bit uncomfortable. “Just surprised Dumbledore picked me to be honest.”

“Why wouldn’t he?” Lily says, nudging James’ elbow repeatedly until he looks away from the targets to her, eyes lit up with the burning sun. “You’re a great example for kids. Teaches them that even though they’re stupid now, they can grow into good people.”

He lets out an amused breath, “Thanks, Evans. And, congrats on Head Girl.”

“Thanks,” She says, pleased that he had the time to read the letter she’d sent, though she suspects it had arrived minutes before they’d taken their Portkey. Her gaze flickers to the pocket of his shirt, slightly bulky, perhaps bulky enough for a small piece of parchment. His eyes follow hers and look away immediately when they reach his shirt pocket. She smiles to herself, choosing not to tease him because she’s too pleased about this turn of events to laugh about it. “I’m happy about it, but I was surprised too.”

James makes a face, scrunching up his nose, pooling his freckles together, “What’s that thing Muggles think? Where there are different versions of things in other places?”

Lily furrows her brow, “Alternate dimensions?”

“Yes that!” He snaps his fingers together, eyes piercing when he looks back at her. “What alternate dimension are we in that you think you wouldn’t have made Head Girl?”

Lily lets out a laugh, amused by his offended words. “Well, with the whole war going on,” she tries to explain, “I would’ve thought that having a Muggle-born in charge wouldn’t really be met with approval.”

“That’s rubbish. You’re the best for the job.” James says angrily, pressing his button much more violently now, “And you being Muggle born is also probably a point that Dumbledore saw fit to make. A bloody good one.”

“Suppose so.” Lily says, smiling to herself, turning her gaze back to the targets to find that though she hadn’t been looking, she’d almost hit the bullseye.

“How am I so bad at this game?” James exclaims, looking enviously over at her.

Lily laughs at his childish behavior, having crossed his arms tightly across his chest. “Now there’s two things I know you’re bad at; fishing and carnival games.”

“Shut up, you’re not amazing at this either.” He snaps without any real heat, eyes traveling over the people near them. He focuses on the attendant that starts to approach them as their game has ended. “Don’t you think he looks like Slughorn?”

“What?” Lily snorts, turning to look over at their attendant. She shakes her head at his inquiry of whether they’d like to play another game. She looks at his pale eyes and large nose, the only things remotely similar to their professor. Other than that, the attendant is decades younger with a slim figure and a full head of carefully styled hair. He looks normal, vaguely cute, even. “No he does not!”

“Well a younger version of him obviously.” James explains as though he’s seen what Slughorn must’ve looked like as a seventeen year old boy.

“No he doesn’t!” Lily insists, their whispering and staring obvious enough that the attendant has started to blush and stare back at them.

“Oh Merlin, you think he’s cute don’t you?” James asks, bursting into a series of guffaws so obnoxious that Lily has to tug him away from the booth to prevent any more embarrassment for the attendant. 

“Shut up!”

But he doesn’t even hear her, letting her swat at him, still laughing loudly. “I’ll have to send Sluggy the good news, his love isn’t unrequited after all.”

Lily rolls her eyes, pinching his waist hard enough that he yelps. “Oh, be sure to owl McGonagall with your confess—”

“Hey Evans!” A voice interrupts their banter and the two of them turn around to face a beaming Sirius and a vaguely nervous looking Peter (never a promising combination). But Sirius seems to be genuinely happy, coming up to Lily to hug her tightly enough to lift her off the ground. When he drops her back down, he’s still smiling. “I didn’t even have to convince that guy much. I told him I knew you and he let me have a go.”

“Oh yeah?” Lily remembers, the motorbike, of course, what else could bring such a smile on Sirius Black’s face? “How’d you like it?”

“It was bloody brilliant.” He replies, clapping James excitedly on the back. James grins back at him, his eyes twinkling with excitement though he hadn’t done anything himself. Honestly, they’re like twins, one stubs his toe and the other, miles and miles away, yelps in pain. “James, I  _ need  _ a motorbike.”

“Yeah, yeah, Pads,” James says, pretending to be exasperated though he throws a wink at Lily when Sirius isn’t looking. Peter smiles fondly at the pair, looking as though Sirius has talked his ear off on the walk over, which Lily doesn’t put past him.

“What were you two up to?” Peter asks mildly. She’s sure he didn’t have too much fun just watching Sirius ride around. She very much doubts that Sirius would’ve given him a turn.

“Lily here,” James says, rolling his eyes and sticking his thumb over at the booth they’ve just left, “was kicking my arse at this game.”

Sirius’ eyes brighten once more, competitive spirit immediately overcoming him. “C’mon, James,” He calls, already sprinting towards the booth that they’d just made a smooth escape from. James shrugs at her, giving a quarter of an apologetic look before running after his best mate. 

Lily exchanges an exasperated look with Peter, both of them resigned to this fate before trudging after the overexcitable pair.

“James is bollocks at this game,” Lily whispers into Sirius’ ear when she arrives. He nods understandingly to her, moving his hands off the plastic gun and onto James shoulder to push him roughly to the side. He yelps loudly, holding onto Peter to keep from toppling over. Just as he’s about to swear, Lily happily takes his spot in the game and childishly sticks her tongue out at him. “You are  _ so  _ on, Sirius.”

Lily focuses on the targets, carefully aiming the gun at the bullseye. When the water comes bursting out, the pressure is so great that she can hardly tell where she’s pointing it. She peeks over at Sirius, elegant brows furrowed in concentration. When her gaze shifts to his target, she finds that the water is very firmly and consistently flowing at the target. The buzzer rings loudly, signaling the end of their game. 

“Oh my God! No one’s won this game in  _ years _ !” Lily exclaims, mouth dropping in simultaneous shock with the Slughorn-attendant. Begrudgingly impressed, he makes his way over to Sirius offering him a firm handshake and a selection of any stuffed animal that his heart desires.

“Did you do a spell?” Peter asks, laughing at the incredulous look on James and Lily’s face. 

“How did I not notice?” James demands, shaking Sirius’ shoulders. 

“That is offensive and cheating.” Sirius responds, a smug grin on his features. He turns to the attendant. “I’ll take the dog, thanks!” The attendant hands over a massive, fuzzy black dog to Sirius. It’s probably larger than Lily if she’s being honest. Sirius looks at her, half contemplating, half fond and thrusts the dog into her arms. “Cheers, Evans!”

“For me?” She asks, bewildered. She looks over at James for confirmation who shrugs at her. 

“Not gonna give it to, Peter, am I?” Sirius says in a childish voice. Then he smiles a little at her, one she’s seen only directed at his boys. “Plus, you got me a ride on a motorbike.”

Lily breaks out into her own smile. “Aww, thanks Sirius, I’ve always wanted one of these.” Thrusting the dog into James’ arms, she wraps her arms around Sirius’ waist squeezing him into a tight hug. “You know you’re all soft on the inside and no amount of leather jackets you wear is going to hide that.”

“No one’s ever called me soft.” He responds, but his voice is soft just then. Lily suspects no one has ever called him such a thing in his life. When she pulls away, Sirius looks at her with more affection than ever before. 

“Well, you are. Soft and fluffy, kind of like a dog, to be honest.” She says, tilting her head back and forth. For some reason this sentence sends the boys into a cacophony of laughter. She frowns and runs her fingers along the soft fur of the stuffed dog. “Though I’m more of a cat person.”

“You’re a weird person, Evans.” Sirius declares, his grin so wide that it removes any semblance of aristocracy from his features. “But I have to admit you’re growing on me,” She’s about to beam at him, until he continues, “like mold does.”

Lily rolls her eyes, petulantly stealing her dog back from James’ arms. “Always wanted to be compared to mold, how’d you know?” She responds, hiding her smile in the fur. 

/

Lily creeps down the stairs of her house, pulling her Chudley Cannons jersey down on her thighs. She avoids the creakier part of the stairs, careful not to wake her parents. She finally takes the last step, eyes squinting at the pile of bodies splayed out onto her living room. They’d set out individual mattresses, pillows and blankets on the floor, but nothing seems to be singular anymore. It looks like a massive dogpile, limbs all over one another. She’s pretty sure Remus’ foot is on Peter’s face. 

She looks more carefully, but the face she’s looking for isn’t there. She frowns to herself, until she notices that her kitchen light is on. She moves into the room, smiling at the sight of James leaning against her counter, a glass of water at his side. 

He makes a face at her shirt to which she shoves his rising middle finger away. “Fancy seeing you here, Evans.” James greets smugly. 

She flushes, eyes flicking to the water glass. “I just wanted to get a glass of water.”

“ _ Aguamenti  _ charm not doing it for you?” He asks pointedly, sixteen year old cockiness evident in his eyes. 

“Alright fine,” She concedes, “You caught me. I wanted to come see if you were awake.”

“Well here I am.” He smiles, eyes flicking back behind her.

Lily turns to see where he’s looking. Right above the sink, there is a ledge in which her mum has placed various, old photographs of the family. “Staring at my baby photos.”

“Only fair since I sent you one.” James says, stepping next to her to point at one glittering photo frame. “I like this one.”

She eyes the photograph, six year old Lily grinning mischievously at the camera. There’s maroon paint all over her fingers and white t-shirt. “God, that’s from when I spilled paint all over Petunia’s new dress.” She says and though the memory is fond, her voice is bitter. “I thought she was going to kill me seconds after this photo was taken.”

James’ gaze flickers away from the photo and settles on Lily. “Where  _ is  _ your sister? I was looking forward to meeting her.”

Lily swallows tightly, eyes shifting to another photo; Petunia is carrying Lily on her back, identical smiles at the camera. “Her and mum went wedding dress shopping. They’re asleep already.”

“You didn’t want to go along with them?”

“I had the fair, didn’t I?” Lily snaps back, tearing her gaze away from the photo. Things would never be like that again. 

James reaches out a hand and places it on Lily’s elbow, pressure just enough so that she has to look up at him. Even in the fluorescent kitchen lighting, James’ skin is smooth and golden. “Is that the only reason?”

“I wasn’t invited.” Lily admits, shaking her head in annoyance. “Well, that’s not entirely true, mum insisted I come.”

“Why wouldn’t you be invited?” James asks 

“Because,” Lily says, blinking rapidly before any tears bubble to her eyes. “it’s bridesmaids only.”

James’ face contorts from mild to extreme concern. “Oh, oh, Lily, I’m so sorry.” He reaches out to wrap his arms around her and she lets herself sink into him, liking the smell of soap and woods. His hand strokes over the back of her hair, gently untangling knots. 

“It’s alright, not like I wanted to be a stupid bridesmaid at her stupid wedding.” Lily lies blatantly into James’ chest. 

“Least you won’t have to wear orange.” James tries and usually it would’ve made her laugh. 

“I think they’ve gone with pink now, which I would’ve looked nice in.” Lily tells him, squeezing his waist tightly. 

“Your sister is ridiculous,” James says firmly and though he’s never met Petunia, something about hearing him say it makes it sound true. “You should’ve been a bridesmaid.”

“It’s not like I even want her to marry Vernon,” Lily says. But, she remembers the hours of their childhood, running their fingers over their mum’s wedding dress, daydreaming about who they’d marry. “but she’s my  _ sister _ , I don’t understand how things went so wrong.”

James pulls away just enough to look at her, his hands still holding onto her elbows ever-so-gently. “Sometimes people do foolish things out of jealousy. And if you let it simmer long enough, it turns cold and bitter.” The words are startlingly wise and his eyes are warm as ever. Lily feels safe in his arms and under his gaze. “She’s missing out on you, Lils.”

“Will you come to the wedding?” Lily bursts out, struck by a sudden idea. 

James’ eyes widen. “Erm, doesn’t your sister hate everything magic related?”

“Well, yes,” Lily admits, but if she isn’t allowed to complain to her parents on the wedding day, she’d like to have James by her side. His smile and his hand in hers would make the whole thing so much more bearable. “But I’d like you to come.”

James slips into his usual, troublemaker grin, closer to Lily than before, his freckles close enough for her to notice their deep brown shade. “We can make fun of the whole thing together.”

“That’s what I like to hear.” Lily says fondly, knot in her chest loosening at the though of James by her side. 

But just now, he’s in front of her, holding her very gently in his arms under the neon tube lights of her kitchen. His hands stroke the skin of her arms gently, her own, still brushing his waist squeeze slightly. He’s changed into a ratty, old t-shirt, making the hard lines of his shoulder more prominent. James shifts just a fraction closer and suddenly Lily is very aware of how short the t-shirt she’s wearing is. 

Lily swallows, looking up at James’ face, slight smile on his face, dimple just barely there. His glasses are smudged so endearingly, his hazel eyes very focused on her. He bends forward, pulling her just a little closer, their toes meeting in the middle. Lily stretches slightly on her tiptoes, heart thudding in her chest, goosebumps rising on the back of her neck in anticipation. 

James’ eyes flutter closed, eyelashes so much longer than she’d ever noticed. He leans closer, his nose brushing hers, his freckles against her skin. They’re just a breath away when Lily closes her own eyes, hands nervously shaking against James’ waist. 

Lily is about to press forward, body aching with desire to know what James Potter’s lips feel like, when there’s a smattering of footsteps. James’ eyes blow open, withdrawing his hands immediately from her body. Lily stumbles back, colliding with the counter behind her. Their eyes meet and God, it should be so awkward, but it isn’t. The air is still thick with tension of  _ almost _ but they’re both smiling dumbly at one another, that Lily can’t even be disappointed. 

Just then, the owner of the footsteps appears in the kitchen and Lily pulls her t-shirt trying to cover more of her thighs. Her father is looking at them with an amused expression, but James’ eyes have gone wide. 

“We weren’t doing anything!” James half yelps, eyes flickering over to her dad whose lips twitch. 

“Well, don’t sound so guilty then.” He says slowly, moving into the kitchen to pick up James’ glass of water. At a turtle's pace, he lifts it to his lips, drinking it slowly until it is completely drained. Lily and James look at one another in panic. “I eavesdropped anyhow, I’m terribly nosy. I know you weren’t up to anything less than innocent.”

“Dad!” Lily whines, warmth rising to her cheeks as she looks at anything but James. 

“What?” Her father says mildly, lifting his hands in surrender. “I hear you coming down the stairs in the middle of the night and you think I won’t find out what you’re doing?”

“You’re completely ridiculous.” Lily says petulantly, folding her arms together. 

“No, Petunia is. James is right.” Her father says firmly and Lily smiles at him, knows how tired he is of their fighting, but still thinking Petunia is in the wrong. 

“Ha!” James exclaims, looking smugly at Lily. Her father shoots him an unimpressed look to which he immediately mumbles an embarrassed, “Sorry.”

“She should’ve asked you, sweetheart. I’m sorry your mother and I couldn’t change her mind.” He says sincerely and Lily gives him the best smile she can muster at the moment. Her throat is getting oddly thick right now. “At least when you get married, you can return the favor.”

Lily lets out a breath of laughter but before she can reply, James shakes his head. “Nah, Lily would be the bigger person and have her as a bridesmaid anyways.”

“Is that so?” Her father says, pointedly turning to look at Lily. Her cheeks color, half at her father’s knowing gaze and half at how highly James thinks of her.

“I’ll make sure the color is really ugly though. I’m not a total saint.” Lily says, waving her hand in the air. And this time, the three of them start to laugh and Lily’s heart soars, not sure if she’s ever felt quite so loved in her whole life. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd appreciate if you dropped a comment! Up next: Lily and James are broken out of their summer almost-romance and reminded of the war around them.


	19. celebrate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the world is not kind, but Lily and James are.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry about the later than usual update !!! my school semester has really kicked in and i've been busier than anticipated lately.

“Feels like just yesterday,” James says, eyeing a delighted eleven year old emerge from Ollivander’s, “when I got my wand.”

Remus looks up from the newspaper he’s reading, golden eyes tired. They’re sitting outside a tiny café, waiting for Sirius and Peter to return from the owl emporium, making their way through packages of chocolate frogs and sugar quills.

“Hard to believe it all went by so fast, hm?” Remus says, but he doesn’t match the nostalgic smile that has risen onto James’ face.

“Alright, mate?” James asks, tilting back on his chair until it rests against the glass window behind him. He plucks a sugar quill from the table, sticking the end between his lips as he waits for a response. 

Remus shifts, flipping the newspaper closed carefully, but James catches a glimpse of a small article with the word ‘werewolf’ in the title. “Yeah, I’m good.”

“Now I know you’re a better liar than that.” James says, deliberately still balancing his chair and shifting his gaze around. 

“It’s just…” Remus clears his throat, taking a chocolate frog into his hands and opening the packaging. “Once we leave Hogwarts, I don’t know what’s going to happen.”

James frowns, turning to face Remus, sucking the sugar slowly out of his quill. “What do you mean?” He says, garbling through the quill. Remus makes a face and James rolls his eyes before pulling it from his teeth. “I thought you’re all on track with grades for basically any job you want?”

Remus gives him a sardonic look. “It never fails to boggle my mind how often you forget what I am.”

“Dramatic?” James replies, slamming his chair back onto all four legs.

“Shut up,” Remus rolls his eyes, “I can’t exactly keep my problem a secret from my employers and I very much doubt anyone would want to hire me, if they knew.”

“They’re idiots.” James replies immediately, the rhythm of this conversation familiar to him after years of practice.

“Maybe, but it’s the truth.” Remus shrugs, fingers tapping delicately on the edge of the table. He takes a deep breath, James watches the resignation fall on his thin shoulders. “I know we’re all queuing up to fight in whatever’s coming, but I’ve still got to be able to take care of myself. And I need a job for that.”

“You know you’re always going to be welcome at my house, right?” James offers, leaning over to speak lowly to Remus. “With Pads moving out next summer, I’ll need some company.”

“I appreciate it, but your dad… I wouldn’t want to inconvenience him.” Remus explains, smiling lightly at James’ offer. And though he’d known Remus would refuse, worry still settles in James’ stomach like a rock. “I just… I need to figure out what’s going to happen once we graduate.”

James groans, stumbling around to find a solution that Remus won’t immediately feel guilty for accepting. “Mate, we’ll help you look for a job and a cheap place to stay. If you won’t stay with me then—”

“You can stay with me.”

Remus and James whirl around at Sirius’ familiar voice. He stands, grinning at the pair of them, which James returns gladly. Remus looks as though he’s been hit over the head by something very heavy. “What?” He manages to get out.

Sirius shrugs carelessly, leaning over to pluck a sugar quill from the table. “Uncle Al left me a lot of gold, Moony. I’m not going to pay shit for the flat I’m looking at. You can stay with me.”

James watches the stubbornness set in Remus’ shoulders then flicks his gaze back to Sirius who rolls his eyes before Remus has even spoken. Eventually, once he’s done reeling with shock, he sighs and explains, “I can’t accept that, I wouldn’t be contributing to anything.”

“To be fair, neither would Sirius.” James buts in, making Remus throw a dirty look at him.

“What about groceries? Furniture! Drinks!” Remus exclaims, a slight desperation in his eyes. James watches it with mostly amusement, but just a twinge of sadness. Almost seven years of friendship and Remus still has such a hard time accepting their help. 

Sirius rolls his eyes, completely unperturbed by the sincerity with which Remus is refusing. “Keep your pants on, you can cook and clean. I’ll pay. Sound fair?”

“Sirius—”

Peter appears from behind Sirius holding a cage with a tiny, black owl sleeping gently inside. His parents had given him the gold to purchase one for passing his Apparation test. He seems to have overheard most of the conversation because a knowing smile rises to his lips. “Think it through, Remus. Don’t just say no without even considering it.”

“I think it’s a great idea.” James urges, nudging Remus’ shoulder.

Remus collapses onto the back of his chair, heaving out tired breath after tired breath. “This feels an awful lot like peer pressure.”

Sirius meets James’ eye, both of them smiling at Remus’ dramatics. Sirius leans over to punch Remus lightly on the shoulder. “Just think about it, you twit.”

“And besides,” James throws in with a grin, “I’m Head Boy, I would never peer pressure anyone.”

“That’s funny.” A voice says behind Peter and James’ heart leaps into his throat at the same time his hand leaps into his hair.

Lily appears from behind Peter, beaming brightly, holding a bag of the books they're required for the school year. She’s wearing a black, denim skirt that’s so short that James immediately looks away from her legs in fear of saying something stupid about them. But he finds that looking up doesn’t help either; she’s tied her mane up into a long ponytail, her lips shining with gloss. Abruptly he remembers that he had almost kissed those very lips and he feels just a tad more sure of himself.

“Hey there, Evans.” He greets, smiling back at her, pleased none of the nervousness makes it into his voice. He twists his gaze around to Marlene and Emmeline. All three of then have matching bright smiles and an air of excitement about them. “Marly, Em, you lot look pleased.”

“We ran into Dorcas Meadowes.” Marlene bursts out, tapping her fingers rapidly on the side of her leg.

Sirius and James exchange a look, scrambling their memories at the familiarity of the name. Sirius snaps his fingers together, “Is that the bird who runs that radio channel?”

Emmeline nods and grins sideways at the girls before saying, “Yeah, she said there’s going to be a protest here, shortly.”

“Protesting what?” Peter asks, clutching his cage with a vice-like grip.

“The ministry has been very silent about the last few dark marks that’ve been spotted.” Lily starts to explain, the anger thrumming just barely under the surface of her words. “People reckon that Voldemort’s got his men working on the inside as well, hushing things up.”

“So the protest is supposed to condemn the negligence of the Ministry.” Marlene finishes Lily’s sentence.

James meets Lily’s eye and the way her eyes keep flickering back towards the wider parts of Diagon Alley. He puts his hands on the table and hauls himself to his feet. “Shall we?” He says, leaning out his arm to offer it to Lily in a mock-gentlemanly gesture.

Lily beams at him, willingly tucking her arm in the crook of his. “You read my mind.”

/

The protest starts off about as organized and peaceful as a bunch of passionate, indignant people can get. That’s to say, even from the beginning it’s a right mess. Peter and Lily have both latched onto the back of James’ shirt, their stature making it very easy to get lost in the crowd of people. They’ve lost everyone else, but James hopes that at least the rest have stuck together. 

As they push their way through the crowds, towards the larger opening by Gringotts, they spot signs with various slogans written on them. Things like ‘DOWN WITH THE MINISTRY’ and ‘IGNORANCE DOES NOT EQUAL BLISS’. People are shouting and sweating and James, who has never felt claustrophobic in his life, is starting to feel a bit stifled. 

Lily’s hand moves to the belt loop of James’ trousers, tugging him back slightly. He turns over his shoulder to meet her gaze. Her expression is wrinkled with discomfort, but her eyes still shine with excitement. “Shall we move to the front? I reckon it’ll be less of a stampede.”

“Right on, Head Girl,” He replies, securing one hand with Lily’s and one with Peter’s like he’s a single father with two kids. He pulls them towards the front, elbowing a frankly alarmingly tall man out of the way. His grip is tight enough that he doesn’t lose his companions, but more than once they have to start walking sideways in order to not let go. By the time they make it to the very front, James’ toes are sore from the sheer number of people that’ve stepped on them.

The crowd seems to be posed right in front of Gringotts and James opens his mouth to inquire as to why when he spots the reason. Multiple wizards are emerging from the bank with little sacks of gold and Ministry pins at the breast of their robes. It’s Saturday, a very common day for working wizards to withdraw money. He’d come with his own parents countless times growing up. 

“I love this.” Lily says brightly, eyeing the signs and t-shirts with great envy. James has to agree; actually seeing the sheer number of people that have showed up renews his faith in the world. He’s of the strong opinion that there’s more good in the world than bad, but it’s one thing to think it, another to lay his eyes on it.

“Organized rebellion is your kind of thing?” James asks, smiling at the enthusiastic way Lily nods. 

“I’m all for it,” Peter pants, gripping James’ shoulder tightly, “But honestly, couldn’t they have staged it anywhere less cramped?”

Lily shrugs at him, bare shoulders rising and falling with disinterest. “I, for one, am really pleased it’s so crowded.”

“How come?” Peter asks, bewildered with her response. 

“Because that means that this many people aren’t mindless bigots.” James fills in, craning his neck to search the crowds for the rest of their friends. He’s pretty sure he remembers Lily mentioning how much Emmeline hated crowds. 

“Precisely.” He hears Lily say. “Although I do hope that someone’s had the sense to not let go of Emmeline.”

“I’m sure Marlene’s got her.” Peter reassures, craning his neck around but it doesn’t do much good. He isn’t tall enough to see over anyone. 

Lily nods, but she’s frowning just slightly. “They’re best friends, but Marlene can be a bit distracted when she’s having fun.” She exchanges a wry smile with James, “And something tells me that her and Sirius are really enjoying this.”

James holds back a laugh. There’s a ninety percent chance that Sirius and Marlene have broken away from Remus and Emmeline to dance around or giving one another piggyback rides. “Remus will be there.” Peter says, voicing the thought James is having. He squints around, blue eyes focusing on the wizards coming out of Gringotts. They look mildly inconvenienced but not too put out about their afternoon being interrupted by a protest. “Y’know I always wanted to work for the Ministry, but all this is really making me second guess it.”

“It’s not everyone in the Ministry who feels this way,” James says defensively, thinking about his mother.

Lily frowns at him, tearing her gaze away from a t-shirt with an ‘X’ through the ministry logo. She turns to look at him with scrutiny, but James doesn’t back down. “Yes, but not speaking up about it and letting it happen is just as bad, don’t you think?”

“It’s horrible, of course,” James agrees. “but take Aurors for example. It’s literally in their job descriptions to be helping people and catching dark wizards. They’re doing really important work, it’s not their fault they’re trapped in bureaucracy and a system of officials who are too scared to speak up.”

His mother had tried to break away, to protest, to make a difference and look where it had landed her. He clenches his jaw and looks back at the Ministry wizards, glaring at them, hoping against hope that his indignation is burning through their vague disinterest.

“I suppose.” Lily says eventually, eyeing the side of James’ face with great interest.

“Did you just agree with James?” Peter laughs, nudging James’ side obviously.

Lily spares him a smile, leaning lightly over so her hair swings in front of James. Her scrunchie is patterned with little broomsticks on a yellow backdrop. “It’s bound to happen sometime.”

“Yeah, but it usually takes some convincing.” James says, glad that they’re not about to get into a discussion about his mother in the middle of a protest. 

“I agree with you,” Lily says, before looking at him pointedly, “ _but_ I still think there’s more the average worker could do.” James laughs, knowing that there was no way Lily would’ve let an argument go that easily. “Speaking as the only Muggle-born here, it makes me uncomfortable when the government that’s supposed to be protecting my rights does nothing about groups that want to see me dead.”

“Depressing when we’ve got to take the fight into our own hands, isn’t it?” Peter says, looking sadly at the picket signs. James agrees, as exhilarating as it is, they shouldn’t have to be protesting their own government. “I heard some rumors about an organization that Dumbledore started meant to fight Voldemort.”

Lily’s green eyes brighten, “Yeah, I heard that too. I want to join in.”

“You think we can just ask Dumbledore about it?” James asks, wondering if they could just casually drop it in after breakfast one morning.

“You think he’d tell students just because they asked?” Lily asks, talking slowly as though James is being extraordinarily stupid.

“Maybe if we convinced him.” James shrugs casually, squinting at a blonde head slightly in the distance. It’s much higher in the air than a normal person, almost as though the individual is on someone else’s shoulders. He’d bet ten Galleons that Sirius is carrying Marlene.

“How d’you suppose you do that?” Peter asks, staring at the back of the crowd as much as his height will allow him to.

“I dunno, bribery, seduction…” James starts, grinning down at Lily whose lips have started to twitch at his words. Slowly, a smile is coaxed out of her, revealing her pearly whites. “As long as I—”

But he never gets to finish his sentence.

Peter’s arms move lightning fast, pushing James down so hard that he topples Lily over, the two of them collapsing on the ground. “DUCK!” He screams, voice dripping with bright, red panic.

James nose collides painfully with Lily’s forehead and he moves to apologize to her and start shouting at Peter. When he turns around, Peter is in a crouch and James squints around at the rest of the crowd. The passionate shouting has dissolved into frantic screaming.

James rips himself off Lily, pulling his wand out of his back pocket, immediately on guard. He offers his hand to Lily who stumbles to her feet, rubbing her back as she does. “What’s going on?” She asks, gripping his hand tightly. The delight in her eyes has morphed into something sharper, fixed somewhere behind him. She pulls at his hand, again propelling him forward, away from whatever she’s looking at.

“Wha—” He starts to say, whipping himself around, elbows catching on people that run frantically past him. His heart drops into his stomach, goosebumps rising on the back of his neck so quickly that it burns. His wand starts to shake between his fingers, panic rising in his chest. Blindly, he reaches out to grab Peter’s collar, pulling him squarely back towards him. 

A group of ten or so wizards are gliding towards them, black robes billowing. The only noise in the air is horrified screams and the only thing that James is aware of feeling is his wand in one hand and Lily in the other. James had always imagined Death Eaters’ faces; morphed with psychopathy or deranged laughter. Though he’d always known that Voldemort’s closest supporters wore masks, his mind preferred to imagine their crazed eyes.   
He’d always thought that would be more terrifying. 

But now, when he stares over at shiny, glimmering, silver masks, his stomach turns painfully. The masks are clean enough to see his reflection on, as though they’ve just been polished for the sole purpose of this outing. The Death Eaters have their wands out, flashing lights of purple and red jetting from the tips. 

The crowd has dispersed rapidly, terrified parents pulling children onto their backs, wands in one hand. The three of them are still petrified in place, but the sound of something that sounds suspiciously like the Cruciatus Curse, wakes the dormant part of James’ mind. “MOVE!” He yells, shoving Lily and Peter in the opposite direction, holding out his wand protectively in front of them.

A Death Eater turns to look, or as much as James can tell through the masks, at them. His wand lifts in the air and James has never fully appreciated his ability to not need to see the moving of lips to sense a spell, quite so much before. “PROTEGO!” He bellows, casting a blinding shield charm wide enough to cover the three of them.

In perfect synchronicity, Lily screeches out a “STUPEFY!”, her wand arm unnervingly steady. When he glances over at her, her expression is pulled together; eyebrows arching menacingly, teeth bared, like a predator rather than prey. 

“IMPEDIMENTA!” Peter yells, flying out his wand to slow down another Death Eater that starts to move towards them. 

“BOMBARDA!” James fires, aiming carefully for the steps of Gringotts. It explodes instantaneously, showering chunks of rubble and debris in the air. It hits two Death Eaters, one on the arm and one on the mask, tilting it just slightly. “WE’VE GOT TO FIND THE OTHERS!”

“EXPELLIARMUS!” Lily shrieks, stumbling backwards and still trying to keep her gaze on the Death Eaters in front of them. One man tilts his head towards Lily and somehow James knows he’s smiling under the mask when he looks at her. 

“MOVE!” James yells, hand suddenly firmer in his fingers. His hand shoves Lily by the small of her back, gesturing at Peter to follow. “I’ll cover!” He casts _protego_ after _protego_ , doing his best to keep fire away from him and his friends. 

When the Death Eaters turn sideways, there’s a few people standing towards the side. One of them he thinks he vaguely recognizes as Emmeline’s older brother, Alphonse. With their attention squarely elsewhere, the three of them plow forwards, still glancing fearfully back as they run. James’ legs are much longer than the others, he could make this distance in half the time, but his feet refuse to speed up. He’d rather take up the rear in case any stray spells come flying towards them.

Lily stops in front of him, making him collide with her back, almost toppling her over. “What is it?” Peter asks desperately, tears welling up in his blue eyes. James moves to make the same question, but sees what had stopped Lily in her tracks. Two children are cowering fearfully in front of her; one brown haired little boy, clutching the hand of who James assumes is his sister. There are tears streaming down the little girl’s cheeks, loud sniffles coming from her. 

“Where are your parents?” Lily asks, bending down gently. Her voice is calm, soothing, as though she’s asking about the weather, though she’s in the middle of a battlefield. 

James’ eyes dart rapidly around the area; shattered windows in Diagon Alley, fallen picket signs trodden over, wands and gold scattering the grounds. People are still running terrified, some backed into walls and alleys. The Death Eaters seem to be dueling with the group of people that James had caught sight of earlier. He counts rapidly, seven Death Eaters and five of the others. There are still three Death Eaters roaming around, but James can’t locate them. For the first time he wishes he were a Seeker, trained to find things that other people can’t. 

“We—we lost them.” The little girl cries. James whips around to look at them, the boy standing protectively in front of his sister. He glares at James, though he can see sweat dripping down his little chin.

“Here, we’ll take you with us, okay?” Lily says softly, one hand gripping her wand and the other reaching out to sit tenderly on the boy’s shoulder. He shifts his gaze to Lily scrutinizingly, seemingly deeming her trustworthy because he nods. “Can my friend here carry you and I’ll take your sister?” 

The boy turns to look at James, trying to square his shoulders. “I’m not gonna hurt you,” James assures, nudging Peter with two fingers at the side of his belly. Immediately, Peter’s eyes shift, searching the crowd desperately for the other two Marauders. “My name is James and I’m going to help you.”

James stretches out his hand to shake the little boy’s, trying not to insert desperation into his voice. If he shows fear, the little boy will start to panic. He smiles at him, trying to make the expression his mother had said could tame dragons. The boy doesn’t smile back, but he does let go of his sister’s hand, allowing Lily to lift her in an awkward-looking piggyback. James offers his back to the boy, letting him grip his neck tight enough to choke and knock his knees into his vertebrae. “We’re going to have to run, okay?” James says softly, doing his best to imitate the voice he’s heard his mum use when James had nightmares as a child. The boy nods and James looks at Lily for a split second before she yells for Peter, the three of them running towards the exit for Diagon Alley.

James runs in front of them this time, the tiny child on his back clinging to him painfully. Lily is in step with him, red hair blowing out behind her like flickering flames. There isn’t a thing panicked about her, she looks like a warrior. He wonders if his mother had the same hard set of her jaw and gentle look in her eye. The boy squeezes James neck and he lifts his spare hand to squeeze him back. No one is dying here today.

Just as the thought crosses his mind, one of the Death Eaters he couldn’t locate before emerges. This time, he does hear a deranged laugh, a slim hand flickering out a wand. A red light bursts from the tip, aiming squarely at Lily. James’ instincts go into overdrive, imagining it as a Bludger, dipping sideways to pull Lily the best he can with the one arm not holding the little boy. The spells swishes by Lily, strands of hair flying as it does, just a breath away from the tip of her ear. 

“I’m alright! It missed me!” Lily yells back gratefully, but James imagines the red light and something tells him that it wasn’t a _stupefy_ coming her way. He chokes on the fear, the injustice, the panic flooding his bones, his mind pulling up unwelcome images of Lily writhing on the ground, screaming with pain. His feet keep moving, but he hardly knows where he’s going, too horrified with the world and the people in it. 

“JAMES!” The most familiar voice in the world yells as something heavy hits James’ shoulder, knocking him forward a few steps. James’ gaze lands on Sirius, who lets out a series of horrifying screams, the sleeve of his dark flannel set aflame. The light makes Sirius’ face look a sickly lavender, his grey eyes blown wide in terror. There’s a horrifying moment when James thinks he won’t get his wand up in time, that the flames will drown Sirius. But they don’t. 

James’ wand casts the countercurse at the exact same time that Sirius’ does. The purple flames extinguish, leaving a sickly black burn on his skin. James looks up horrified at Sirius, the gritting of his teeth and the strained pull of his eyebrows. The fire isn’t there anymore, but James doesn’t think he’ll ever forget how it looked. 

“STUPEFY!” James casts angrily, whirling his wand around at the Death Eater standing closest to them. The man in question casts a curse that hits Peter in the back, stumbling his footsteps and making him fall to the ground with a sickening crunch. 

“EXPELLIARMUS!” Remus shouts, wand steady as he casts the spell. Protectively, he stands in front of James and Sirius, leaning over to Peter. “Are you alright?”

James whirls his gaze around, gripping the little boy on his back tightly. Sirius. Remus. Marlene. Emmeline. Everyone’s here and his heart thuds a little slower. 

Peter grimaces, gently cradling his ankle, his blue eyes watery with unshed tears. “Fuck, I think… I think I sprained it.”

“Don’t worry.” James reassures, injecting his Quidditch Captain persona into his voice. With his friends by his side, hope bursts in his chest like a warming charm. “We’ve got your back, Wormtail.”

The seven of them stand around in a circle, the children firmly on their feet in between them. James’ shoulder brushes Lily’s on one side and Sirius on the other. He swallows, eyes flickering back towards the two Death Eaters that creep towards them, masks glinting in the afternoon sun. 

“IMPEDIMENTA!” Marlene casts desperately, wand held out in front of her. She sounds close to tears in a way James has never heard her. She sounds so much like a child and so damn terrified. Too young to be fighting. 

“Look!” Lily says, a laugh in her voice, flicking her hand up, pointing into the distance. “Those are Aurors!” As soon as the words leave her lips, clouds of black smoke appear, Death Eaters disappearing as quickly and suddenly as they’d arrived. 

“They’re Disapparating!” Emmeline whispers, her voice thick with relief. James searches for the Aurors, spotting Alastor Moody and Frank Longbottom without much struggle. Hope filters through James’ chest like a volcano. 

“Fucking cowards.” Sirius hisses through his pain, dropping his wand to clutch at his burns. James turns to face him, clapping an arm on his back before holding his wand steady and casting a healing charm. 

/

The seven of them sit around outside Florean Fortescue's Ice-Cream Parlour, at the opposite end of Diagon Alley, left mostly untouched. There’s only scattered belongings and upturned tables, none of the windows are broken at least. It’s strange, to be at this end of the world where a battle hadn’t taken place, where the world still looked like an ordinary Saturday afternoon. 

Emmeline pats her forehead faintly though James had cast a healing charm on it almost immediately after spotting the wound. It wasn’t a deep cut luckily, and James has lots of experience patching up the boys after a full moon. He’d managed to mend Peter’s ankle to the best of his abilities, at least temporarily until Mrs Pettigrew got her hands into him. James had tried his best with Sirius’ burns, but he’d informed him that though they stung, they were nothing like an ordinary burn. They’d best leave it to James’ father to see to it with one of his many home remedies. 

None of them had wanted to leave just yet, despite being very explicitly ordered by the Aurors to go home. This is what James is signing up for, he thinks to himself, if he wants the front lines. If he wants to make a difference, really send a strong ‘fuck you’ to Voldemort, this is the life he is going to lead. The same life his mother had lead until her untimely death. 

His heart has hardly stopped pounding in his chest, still bursting with adrenaline and fear, still itching to move. He wonders if his mother had been afraid. James had been. Though there was not a single part of him that would’ve allowed for anyone to die, he had still been full of fear. Watching what he suspects was the Cruciatus flying by Lily, watching Sirius’ face contort in pain, watching two little kids cry on their own. A little part of him registers that this is the life they’re _all_ signing up for. This wouldn’t be the last time he’d see innocents or people he loved in pain.

Lily squeezes his hand under the table like she can read his mind. He flicks his gaze to her, taking solace in the evergreen of her eyes. She smiles lightly at him, though it doesn’t crease her eyes together and he gives her one back. He entwines their fingers together, looks at the contrast of pale skin against tan and takes a shuddering breath.

“I think I’m gonna be sick,” Peter grumbles, lifting his head up from where he’s been resting it against the cool glass of a parlour table. His blue eyes, usually wide with excitement, look defeated, dead even. They keep flickering to his side as though he’s expecting a Death Eater to jump through another alley.

“I’m with you on that one,” Emmeline says softly, still brushing the edges of her hairline for a wound that isn’t there anymore.

Remus cracks his knuckles from Sirius’ left side and James shifts his gaze there. He’d come out mostly unscathed, luckily for them, they were all rather talented duelers. When Remus speaks, there is vehement disgust dripping from his lips, “There were kids here, innocent children and they still…”

He doesn’t finish his sentence, but he doesn’t have to. _They still attacked_. 

“They clearly haven’t gotten any boundaries,” Sirius says darkly, his jaw clenched together and James knows he’s thinking about his family. About Bellatrix and his parents and still untouched Regulus.

Marlene blinks rapidly, her blue eyes dim, “Were they laughing, or have I gone completely mad?” 

“No, I heard it too,” Sirius tells her, his voice shaking with barely concealed rage, “It’s disgusting. 

Lily pulls her hand away from James’ and stands abruptly. He stares up at her, but she just shakes her head, “I’ll be right back,” she says, turning sharply to walk into the ice-cream parlour.

“Is it really going to be this bad?” Peter asks fearfully, meeting James’ eyes. Years old protective instinct surges up inside him. “All the time?”

“I think so, Pete,” James says lowly, wishing that there was something more reassuring he could say. Wishing there was anything he could do to make the melancholy in the air disappear.

“This is… so fucked up,” Emmeline says dryly, giving a mildly hysterical breath of amusement. She taps her foot against one leg of the table, still full of adrenaline like the rest of them. 

“You can say that again,” Marlene replies, reaching over to press a hand on Emmeline’s thigh, stopping the movement. 

Sirius shifts slightly, holding tight to the forearm, his fingers just barely covering the burns there. “They had the balls to attack Diagon Alley in broad daylight. Think the Ministry will say anything about it?” He poses his question to James but he doesn’t have an answer.

“They’ve got to haven’t they?” Remus says, furrowing his brow together. And hey, at least there’s a silver lining to this, James thinks to himself. “They deployed Aurors so they can’t brush this one under the rug.”

“Fat lot of good it did,” Peter says bitterly, “Diagon Alley is supposed to be safe, but is anywhere anymore?”

“Hogwarts, I reckon,” James offers, sure at least of that, “at least while Dumbledore’s around.” No one disagrees which James takes as a silent win, although no one smiles just yet either. 

“Here.” Lily says and when they turn to look at her, James is sure they’re all wearing identical faces of confusion. In her tiny, pale hands rests a giant ice-cream sundae the size of a birthday cake. There’s chocolate syrup melting over the side and bits of sugar quills and sprinkles scattered over the top. If James’ counting is correct, there’s seven spoons tucked into it. 

“What the hell is this, Evans?” Sirius asks incredulously as Lily slams the glass bowl on the table in front of them.

“Ice-cream,” She responds obviously, plucking a spoon up with her fingers and taking a giant scoop out of the pile. They all watch her in vague amazement, eyeing the drip of melted ice-cream fall down her chin. The sight of Lily Evans eating a giant sundae after a duel with Death Eaters is so bizarre that James lets out a laugh. 

One turns into two, and then three, and then before he knows it he’s laughing hard enough to rattle the table. When he manages to get a hold of himself and grab a spoon, everyone is looking at him as though both Lily _and_ James have completely lost their minds. But when James looks over at Lily, she’s beaming and he immediately knows he’s done the right thing. 

“I can see that it’s ice cream,” Sirius says slowly, speaking as though Lily’s got a head injury, “but why?”

Lily shrugs, her hair now tumbled out of her ponytail, and scoops another bite into her mouth. James doesn’t waste another moment, slicing into the soft serve and getting himself a bite that has the most bits of sugar quills. “I asked Frank Longbottom earlier and he said no one died. The way I hear it, that’s very rare,” James looks over at Lily, mouth full with ice-cream that he swallows with a painful gulp. He sees where her sentence is going before she says it and for a moment he just stares at her, the blinding, beautiful being that is Lily Evans. “Cause to celebrate, don’t you think?”

“And none of us got badly hurt, either,” James tags along, lifting his spoon to clink loudly against Lily’s. She smiles at him, clearly relieved the two of them are on the same page. “Cheers!”

Marlene looks back and forth at them for a moment before folding her hands together on the table. “What’s it like?”

“What’s what like?” James says, garbling his words through another bite of the sundae. 

“Living the way you two do,” Remus explains, staring at the two of them with more than a little bit of disbelief. But if James looks closer, there’s a smile tugging at the corner of his lips. 

“What does that mean?” Lily asks, sounding genuinely confused as to why on Earth people don’t live the way she does. James has half a mind to tell her that most people don’t see the world the way she does, but thinks better of it. She knows. _There’s a lot more beauty out there than horror_ , she’d once said about the world, and looking at her smiling away now, he knows that the mere existence of Lily Evans makes the world a hell of a lot more beautiful.

“You’re both complete nutters,” Sirius says, letting out a bark of laughter and promptly digs into the ice cream. And suddenly they all start to laugh, picking up their spoons and shoving at each other to get a bite of the world-changing, Lily Evans sundae.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys liked it, action sequences are SO difficult to write! Would very much appreciate it if you dropped a comment, those really keep me going.  
> Also I’ve tentatively updated the chapter count, this is most likely what it’ll be looking like.  
> Up next: Seventh year kicks in and James and Lily are surprisingly efficient Heads.


	20. love story

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A soft break from a harsh world

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a much lighter chapter than the last one. It's dialogue heavy so I hope that doesn't get too dreary to read. I always feel like after I do a heavy chapter, the lighter ones just feel silly.

James Potter has been accused of being a romantic so many times that he’s lost count of all the eyerolls that accompany it. It’s hard not to be in love with the idea of love when you grow up with parents like Euphemia and Fleamont Potter. The way he hears the story is that his father spent most of his years at school completely and irrevocably enamored with Quidditch captain, Euphemia Singh. He’s seen old photos of his dad, and it’s very clear to see where he gets his lankiness and awkwardness with women. Though the tale has gotten more dramatic the more times he’s heard it, the essence is still the same. 

Euphemia had been asked to Hogsmeade by the Head Boy in their sixth year. And his mother, his cool, calm, composed mother, had apparently been very nervous. Her hair, all wild and curly, untamable and frizzy (yep, that’s where James gets it from) had been a point of contention. Euphemia loved her hair (James has never seen it in anything but it’s natural state), but everyone else wasn’t too sure. All her friends had told her that if she wanted to ‘shag’ (James gags every time he hears this, though he’s pretty sure his parents make it more explicit every time to see his reactions) this mystery Head Boy then she would have to tame her hair. 

Euphemia had wracked her brains and pulled her hair, she’d visited parlours and salons but the white wizards of Hogsmeade couldn’t figure out how to smooth her Indian locks. Enter Fleamont Potter and the very first batch of Sleekeazy’s Hair Potion. Though of course, he loved her hair, fantasized about running his hands through it, doodled it in class. But if Euphemia wanted something, Fleamont wanted to be the one to give it to her. He’d offered it to her feebly once he’d heard her various complaints, though he wouldn’t tell her he’d been working on it the second he’d heard of her request until much later. Euphemia had looked at him for twenty long seconds (apparently his father had counted) and then taken the potion with careful hands. 

Fleamont, who couldn’t speak a word around the woman of his dreams, Potter had burst out, “I don’t think you should use it!” The way his mother tells it, is that he had screamed it so loud that the entire Great Hall had gone silent. Euphemia had raised her eyebrow and asked him if he’d cursed the whole batch to be funny. His father had stuttered out, “No, but your hair is beautiful! And if _he_ doesn’t like it then—then you shouldn’t go out with him!”

Euphemia had laughed and laughed until Fleamont had wanted to melt into a puddle. But then, she’d dropped the bottle of Sleekeazy through her very slim fingers, letting it crash into a thousand pieces onto the ground. “Alright then,” Euphemia had asked, “d’you like my hair like this?” Fleamont had looked petrified but he’d never been more sure of anything in his life, so he’d given a feeble nod. “Great. When do you want to leave for next week’s Hogsmeade trip?” Over the years, the story has ended with a kiss, a snog in the middle of the Great Hall, his father fainting, the professors clapping, but James is pretty sure that his mother had just walked back to her seat and his father had remained frozen to the spot. 

It’s James’ favorite thing to listen to, no matter how many he’s heard it. He’s daydreamed about his own love story since he was a child, hoping that he’d have an epic tale full of cheesy romance to tell his own children one day. He’s just hoping his great love story doesn’t go unrequited. 

“I swear to _God_ if you’re still daydreaming about Evans, I’ll take that Head Boy badge for myself.” Sirius says, whacking him upside the head as James pushes his trolley forward on the platform. “Didn’t you have to meet her early to talk about the meeting?”

“Fuck off, mate,” James says good naturedly, craning his neck around the platform to find his favorite redhead. It’s crowded with people already, trolleys and owl cages rattling around noisily. If he squints he can see Remus holding back his laughter, almost purple in the face, as Mrs Pettigrew squeezes Peter so tight she almost lifts him off the ground. The sight makes him grin. “So what if I’m late? What’s the worst she could do?”

“Give you detention every night there’s a Quidditch match?” A voice says, pinching the junction between James’ stomach and his hip. The sound of his love story.

“Merlin’s beard! You’re like a bloody cat!” James exclaims, whirling around to face a beautifully smirking Lily Evans. She’s wearing one of those distracting denim skirts again and when she catches him looking, she lifts her eyebrow. 

“Honestly woman, how do we never hear you coming?” Sirius complains, not even sparing her a glance, pushing his trolley forwards to where James suspects he spies Marlene and her family. 

“It’s a skill I’ve acquired because I simply like to eavesdrop far too much.” Lily answers, laughing lightly and pointing out the direction the McKinnons are. Sirius salutes at her, hauling his trolley forwards. “What’s this about not caring to be punctual?”

“I’m going to take that as my cue to leave.” Sirius says, throwing a warning look over at James as though to say ‘don’t be an idiot’. 

James turns over to face Lily, sheepishly running a hand through his hair, while hers rest on her hips. Her lips twitch. “Er—you misunderstood me, I was just—”

“Hey mister glasses!” A voice calls, saving him from stammer out a horrible joke. James and Lily both look over near the entrance to one of the compartments to see a little boy. For a moment, James is flooded with deja vu, hand slamming against his pocket to check for his wand, his heart jack-rabbiting in his chest. But Lily’s fingers brush his elbow lightly and he takes a deep breath, gaze flickering around the platform.

“Hey there!” James recovers, jogging over to the boy. It’s the same one from Diagon Alley, his brown hair curling softly on his head. He’s wearing a tiny Puddlemere United t-shirt, so James already likes the kid. “Now I know you’re pretty big, but I know you’re not big enough to go to Hogwarts just yet. Where’re your parents?” James bends down slightly, resting his weight on his toes as he crouches in front of the boy. 

The boy pouts folding his arms together petulantly and flicks a thumb out at a woman who is ruffling the hair of a pouty looking eleven year old. “My mum is right there, I’m not always lost,” He waves at Lily who’s pushed his trolley over to them. “My cousin is going to Hogwarts, he’s a first year.”

“Yeah what’s their name?” James asks, thinking he’d keep an eye out for the kid, “Actually, come to think of it, what’s _your_ name?”

“Edward,” The boy answers, smiling an adorably toothy grin, “My cousin is Georgie—or I guess, Georgiana.”

“Well, it’s very nice to meet you, Ed.” James says, sticking his hand out for the boy to shake. The Hogwarts Express makes a loud whistling noise, they’ve only got five minutes before it starts to chug out of the station and there’s still loads of families running past him.

“Don’t call me Ed!” The boy, Ed, yelps, squeezing James’ hand as tightly as he can. Then a little, pink flush rises to his cheek as he awkwardly looks at James. He smiles encouragingly back at him, “I—I wanted to say, thank you for taking care of me and my sister.”

“Anytime, little guy.” James says, though he sincerely hopes he’ll never have to again.

“And thank you too, miss!” Ed says, smiling at Lily. James reaches out to ruffle Ed’s hair, much like his father has always done to him, but the boy dodges it expertly. Instead he throws himself at James, slotting himself between his knees and wraps his chubby arms around James torso. Surprised, but pleased, James wraps his arms around the boy and takes the opportunity to mess the kid’s hair up. 

Ed wrinkles his nose, pulling away from James and waving. “Have fun at Hogwarts Mr James and Ms—uh—Pretty Lady!” He runs away from them, looping expertly through adults’ legs and dodging trolleys with ease. James grins to himself, turning slightly to see Lily already looking back at him.

“Now that was the most adorable thing I’ve ever seen.” Lily says, sticking her lower lip out to ‘aw’ at the scene. 

“Kids does it for you?” James asks wryly, pulling himself to his feet and grabbing his trolley handles from Lily. She doesn’t let go, making the two of them push it forward, wrestling for steering. “Someone should’ve told me years ago and I would’ve adopted an entire brigade.”

“You’re an idiot, James.” Lily says, bumping her shoulder with James’, but he thinks he sees her ears turning pink.

“So I’ve been told.”

“Shall we go start our meeting?” She asks as they approach one of the entrances, holding the trolley steady as James hauls his trunk from it.

“You know, Evans,” He grunts, pulling it into the doorway, “we should’ve met beforehand to discuss what we were actually planning on saying to the Prefects.”

Lily rolls her eyes, smiling away at him, a mixture of fondness and exasperation. “Yeah if only someone had had _that_ idea.”

/

James and Lily are shockingly good at bullshitting. He’d always known that he was, but apparently when put together with Lily, it takes another, astronomical level. They’d chosen to do their first meeting with the seventh year Prefects, as they needed the least instruction. They’d managed to draft the entire rounds rota and made it seem like an interactive exercise instead of a serious case of procrastination.

Lily knew most of the things they’d needed to do and James did his best to help her streamline the process. Remus had pulled him aside as the other Prefects were leaving and asked him when on Earth he and Lily had gotten together to practice all this. Pleased and a little smug, he’d just said they worked extremely well together.

By the time the fifth year Prefects come around, James and Lily have the meeting down perfectly, like a practiced dance.

“So we’ve drafted up the rounds schedule for the first week back,” Lily says, leaning her back against the seat. Her posture is straight, looking every bit as authoritative as the Head Girl should. James is still a bit distracted because when she sits, her skirt shifts up and he's left with a whole lot of bare leg until her knee where she's pulled on orange socks.

“We’ve done it so that no one is assigned to a Prefect in their house,” James explains, looking away from Lily to charm the handouts to fly into the expectant hands of the Prefects.

“Why?” Regulus Black, new Slytherin Prefect, asks squinting at the parchment in his hands.

“Because it’ll promote some inter-house unity.” Lily tells him, expecting the question now that it’s their third time at this rodeo. It had been an extraordinary thing, the two of them somehow coming up with this idea only via eye contact and finishing one another’s sentences. He thinks McGonagall would’ve been pleased.

“You’ll make friends. Hopefully.” James says, silencing any attempts at arguing that may arise.

Lily nods with him, “For the remainder of the train ride, you haven’t got to do much. Just patrol the corridors every now and then—”

“—just peek your head out honestly.” James suggests.

“To make sure no one’s doing anything they aren’t supposed to.” Lily finishes, looking over at James to check if she’s missed anything. James scrolls through his mental list of haphazard plans they’d crafted.

“You’re not allowed to take points,” James says, remembering what they’d missed, “only us and the Professors are, remember that.”

“How convenient.” The other Slytherin Prefect, a prissy looking girl named Melinda Fawley, says, filing her nails. God, how stereotypical. 

“Don’t make me start already, Fawley.” Lily says cheerfully, making James disguise a laugh as a cough. The girl scowls back at Lily, but wisely chooses to shut up.

“We’ll have another meeting once the term really kicks in and we’ll go over the rest of your responsibilities.” James says, folding his hands together and resting his back on the compartment seat. 

“Just remember to steer the little firsties in the right direction after the feast and give them the proper password to the common rooms, alright?” Lily instructs, swinging her feet out back and forth, colliding with James’ knees once or twice.

The Prefects mutter their agreements, piling together their things in a mad rush to get out from the compartment. Lily gathers together the last few bits of parchment and quills that they’d drafted the rota on. James tilts his head out to watch the greenlands of England flicker past them, eyeing a particularly blue river. The sun is high in the sky, beaming its rays onto the train and through the window panes.

  
He shifts his gaze towards Lily, watching how the sunlight falls onto her hair, making the dark strands appear a vivid red. Every time she moves, the sunlight shifts, making her hair look like flickering flames. Lily looks up at him, feeling his gaze on her and returns a soft smile that he didn’t know he was already giving her. 

“You guys make a really sweet couple.” A voice says and James looks away from the light descending on Lily’s cheekbones. 

There’s an awkward beat in which James is trying to remember the boy’s name. Vaguely large nose, blonde hair, he’s pretty sure he’s a Hufflepuff. He glances over at Lily who widens her eyes at him. Richard Abbott! Just as he’s about to victoriously declare that he knows the boy’s name, his mind catches up and replays Abbott’s words.

Oh. James turns back to Lily, no blush on her cheeks which he isn’t sure is a good sign or not. Whatever it is, she doesn’t start to speak.

“Don’t be silly,” James says, the thick silence having gone on too long. He reduces his voice to a mock whisper, cupping his hand out to his lips. “I can’t date the _Head Girl_ , she’d take too many points off me for my bad behavior.”

“And I can’t date the Head Boy, he’s going to be too busy learning how to do his job since he can’t just copy it off me.” Lily says without missing a beat. Abbott laughs somewhat awkwardly, stumbling out his apologies before stumbling out of the compartment himself.

“Oi!” James protests heatedly, “I’ve never copied off you in my _life_.”

“But you’ve wished you could.” Lily says, turning her nose up and continuing to pack away their things in the tiny satchel of hers.

“Okay, need I remind you I got _ten_ OWLs?” James argues, stretching out his hands to cover hers, stopping her movements.

Her eyes flicker to their hands and though he’s sure he’s blushing enough to look like an idiot, he doesn’t pull away. “Okay and need I remind you I got _eleven_?”

“Only because you took more classes than me!” James exclaims, pulling his hands to gesture wildly in the air.

Lily grins, pulling herself to her feet before looking away from him. “That’s not my problem.”

/

“Wow, I was expecting a water closet.” James says, wiggling open the door marked ‘Heads’ Office’. Him and Lily enter the space and though it’s not very large, there is a certain charm to it.

Lily walks in front of him, running her hands along the long table and two desk chairs. There’s a tiny fireplace flickering in front of a ratty looking sofa and a shining coffee table. The sofa is tiny, definitely not big enough for James to sleep in, which is unfortunate considering that was his whole plan for this office. 

“This is a lot comfier than I was expecting.” Lily says finally, looking out the tiny window they’ve got that shows a clear view of Hagrid’s hut and even a bit of the Quidditch grounds. Anywhere he can see the goal posts is good enough for James.

“That sofa is rubbish though.” James says, walking closer to inspect the shoddy sewing. It’s tattered and brown, various patches stitched onto it like Muggle handiwork.

Lily frowns, reaching over to squish the sofa with her hands. It sinks against her fingers sadly. “We could move some of the stuffing from the cushions into the padding, couldn’t we?”

“Probably.” James says, eyeing the few cushions that look marginally more comfortable than the sofa. “How many Heads d’you reckon have shagged in here?”

“Are you joking?” Lily says, voice thick with disbelief and he moves to take back his words when she starts to smile. “Look at the state of this thing! Over a thousand at least.”

James grins back, “Or maybe they put such a disgusting sofa to prevent people from shagging.”

“I doubt a gross sofa could stop two, hormonal teenagers if they really wanted to do it.” Lily says, making a truly disgusted expression before walking around to the table. She tosses her satchel onto the wood, thrusting a hand in to search for something or the other.

“On that note,” James says cheerfully, mimicking her expression. He tosses his rucksack onto the floor and kicks his legs out in front of him to lay on the sofa. “I will now be collapsing onto this sofa, while you lecture me on what we’re supposed to do.”

“It’s not a lecture, you prick.” Lily replies immediately as James closes his eyes. His back is already starting to complain at the stiffness of the sofa. “From what I’ve gathered, we’ve got to make the Prefects' patrol rota for every week.”

“We don’t have to pair up with them, do we?” James asks wearily, resting his hands on his chest. The fireplace emits a soft warmth into the room that he appreciates, but it’s hard for him to sleep without any blanket. 

“Why? Don’t want to hang out with Fawley?” Lily says, smirk evident though James’ eyes are tightly shut.

“It’s my dream.” He throws back sarcastically.

“No, I’m afraid you’re stuck with me.”

“How terrible.” James says, opening his eyes to smile at her. When his gaze lands on her, he sees that she’s spread her left hand in front of her, the other holding a tiny brush. There’s a black bottle sitting on the table.

“Other than that, we have to be—”

“What’re you doing?” He demands, making her look up from her fingers.

“Painting my nails?” She replies, holding up her brush.

“By hand?”

“Aren’t you the one who said you shouldn’t be too dependent on magic?” She says, making a face at him. Huh. He _had_ said that, ages and ages ago, he’s surprised she remembers.

“Well yeah, of course, but I meant, how d’you manage to get it so neat then?” He asks, standing up from the sofa to bend down at the table. The two fingers she’s got done are painted a neat black, no excess spilling onto her skin.

“By sitting still and focusing.” She explains, dipping her brush back into the bottle. James pulls the second chair out, sitting directly across from her. “Not your strong suit, I know.”

He raises his eyebrow at her, “Is that a challenge?”

“Are you up for it?” She throws back.

“Hand it over, Evans.” James says, thrusting out his hand for the nail polish bottle. He grabs it before she can even pass it to him, inadvertently dropping the brush and making it clatter on the table, leaving black droplets in its wake.

  
“Stop spilling it!” Lily scolds, smacking his hand with her spare one.

“Stop moving around so much!” He complains back, holding the nail polish protectively in his hands.

Lily groans, watching as he dips the brush into the bottle, doing his best not to get too much. “You stop!”

“Shut up, Lily.” James says, reaching forward to grab one of her hands. Her fingers are long and elegant, soft under his touch. He plucks her middle finger, the one she’d left off at, and carefully starts to brush the paint against the fingernail. “Ignore me—”

“—if only I could--”

“—and continue telling me about our responsibilities.” James says, scowling at her interruption though she sticks out her tongue at him. He rolls his eyes, biting his lip in concentration, trying to paint smooth lines, careful not to spill onto the sides of her nail.

“Fine.” She concedes, tilting her head sideways the way she does when she’s trying to remember something. “We essentially have to be good role models, so _please_ if you’re going to do something stupid, ensure you don’t get caught.”

“I’ll do my best.” James lies blatantly. He can’t help it, sometimes their antics are so delightful, his ego refuses to allow him to be anonymous. He’s too busy painting Lily’s thumb, but he’s pretty sure she rolls her eyes at him.

“Erm—we’ve got to keep tabs on the amount of points we dock because we can’t be taking them willy-nilly.” Lily continues, and James can feel her gaze on him. It’s not like most people’s, like a prickle at the side of his mind. It pierces into him like a Cupid arrow, unable to be ignored. “The professors get to have the final say.”

“Unfortunate,” James sighs, reaching for Lily’s other hand once he’s satisfied with the one he’s finished. “I was going to take seventy off from Avery simple for existing.”

“Don’t worry, I’m sure we’ll catch him doing things he isn’t supposed to.” Lily cheers him up, resuming her head tilting. “If you assign a detention, you’ve got to supervise it.”

“What can I have them do?” He says, poking his tongue out of his mouth as he finishes painting her ring finger.

“Er—lines?” She says, upturning her voice thoughtfully. “I’ve always wanted to have little firsties clean my trunk, but I reckon that’s an abuse of power.”

“Lily Evans taking advantage of her position?” James gasps, careful to be steady where his brush meets her fingernails. It’s going by much faster now, very easily getting through the painting.

“Don’t tell Slughorn.”

James laughs, putting the brush back into the tiny bottle and looking at his handiwork. All ten fingers are painted, making her hands look even prettier than they had before. The black looks kind of badass, if he’s being honest. “There, I’m all done.”

“Not bad, Potter,” Lily says, lifting her fingers to inspect at his work. There’s a tiny smudge on the left side of her right thumb, but even when she notices she doesn’t say a word. “Could you do a quick-dry charm?” James nods, wrestling his wand out of his robe pocket to do the spell. Lily pokes her thumb tentatively with her index finger and pulls it away satisfied when it comes up dry. “Fancy doing it for me again when these chip?”

“I charge a Sickle for every time.” James says, shaking his head at her, though he’d do it again in a heartbeat.

“That’s a bargain.” Lily says, standing up from her side of the table, picking up her satchel. She tucks the bottle back into her bag, making her way around the table to stand over him. “I’m afraid I don’t have my coin purse on me, so you’ll just have to do with one of these.”

Lily bends down, pressing a soft kiss to the side of his cheek where he knows his dimple usually appears. He swallows tightly at the way she lingers, just so. He turns as she slowly pulls away, her green eyes alight with something he can’t put his finger on. 

“A Sickle is worth three kisses, you know?” He says hoarsely, trying to get rid of his heart which has crawled into his throat.

“Don’t get greedy now.” She says, still smiling bright enough for James to feel a flutter in his heart. He gathers himself to his feet, pouting mockingly though he’s remarkably pleased at the turn of events.

It’s moments like this, when all the little things about Lily start piling up in his heart that he can see just how high he's falling from. James Potter has spent a lifetime being in love with the idea of love, but when it’s standing right in front of him, he feels willfully unprepared. And yet, when she smiles at him, when she laughs at one of his stupid jokes, James feels floored, rooted to his spot. Probably much like his father did, a million years ago.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These are little moments between Lily and James which are the ones they really fall in love in. I really enjoy writing them for James and Lily cause you KNOW they started to fall in love before they were even together. 
> 
> Also yeah, I head canon James as not completely white, just getting that out there. His mom's Indian. He's not just "tan".
> 
> Up next: Lily worries and frets and stresses and cries, and a certain someone makes a reappearance.


	21. the james potter effect

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And here we have Lily Evans experiencing the wide spectrum of human emotion

Lily had told James close to a hundred times not to get detention that first month. It would be inappropriate for the Heads of the school to be disciplined like that. It’s a near miracle that James hadn’t; it had taken the combined efforts of shoving him into various closets when Filch came around the corner and Remus pulling Prefect rules out of his ass. She’d never quite realized how many ridiculous pranks the boys pulled until she was crossing her fingers for them not to get caught. 

Luck gets them through September. And when October comes and luck finally runs out, it’s not James who gets detention. 

“I don’t think I’d recommend just the aviation charm,” Lily is telling Sirius as they walk across the courtyard. It’s just after their very late breakfast, no one else had wanted to wait for the two of them to get out of their beds. Lily doesn’t mind, she loves sleeping in and Sirius is always entertaining first thing in the morning. “Muggle tech has a tendency to go a bit berserk when you do magic on it.”

“What am I supposed to do then, O Wise One?” Sirius asks her, leaning over to rest his elbow on Lily’s shoulder. The man never seems to get cold, clad in only his dress shirt and tie though October is settling in. Lily is too lazy and too fond of Sirius to bother to take any points off for the lack of robes. 

She walks, somewhat awkwardly with the weight on her shoulder, in the grass, passing by her and James’ tree with a fond look. “Well considering it’s a motorbike, the engineering is rather complex. So I would say—”

“Twat,” Sirius growls under his breath.

Lily starts, pulling her shoulder away from him with a disgusted expression, “Well that’s just uncalled for.”

“No,” Sirius says, sparing her a smile, his grey eyes focused across the grounds. “I wasn’t talking about you.” She follows his eyes to land on Regulus and Severus talking quietly on a bench at the outskirts of the courtyard. Regulus is listening intently to something Severus is telling him, their heads bent close together. 

“I’m sorry about him,” Lily says quietly, watching the way Regulus’ face lights up with understanding, nodding along to whatever Severus is telling him. Regulus looks vaguely enamored, and she recognizes that face very well, she’d worn it herself when Severus had told her all about Hogwarts for the very first time. 

Sirius’ hands are clenched tightly into fists, his jaw tense as he watches the scene unfurling in front of them. “It’s not your fault.” 

She doesn’t know if it’s the James Potter Effect, but she feels her heartstrings being tugged at the sight of Sirius being so clearly distressed. She looks at Sirius carefully out of the corner of her eye, knowing that one wrong word could shut down any conversation they could’ve had. Severus is a sore subject, for her, for James, for Sirius. It’s hard not to inject her own feelings about him into this, but knows that Sirius lies on the opposite side of sympathetic when it comes to Severus.

“It’s not yours either.” Lily says quietly. Regulus isn’t the first person in the world to fall for the words that Severus spills. He doesn’t have a charming bone in his body, but there is something polarizing about him, love him or hate him, it’s very hard to ignore Severus Snape.

“I think you’re supposed to say that,” Sirius says, but the words come out mostly garbled. 

She eyes the pair of Slytherins, Regulus’ eyes flicking up every now and then towards Sirius. It’s a sibling thing, being so keenly aware of one another. “Maybe, but I still don’t think it is.” Lily nudges his shoulder, “Look, he’s leaving.”

“Great,” Sirius says, watching his brother stand from the bench and give a friendly wave to Severus until he disappears from the courtyard. Then he wrenches away from Lily’s side, moving faster than she can react and storms over to where Severus is still sitting. “What the _fuck_ are you doing with my brother?”

Lily squeaks, sprinting after him just in time to watch Severus look up from his book with a mean curl of his lip. “Well, Black, as it turns out, you’re not a very good brother. Someone had to step into the role lest Regulus follow the same unfavorable path as you.”

Lily had never been inside Severus’ home, his father simply never would’ve allowed it. But she remembers the little snippets that he’d told her about; the sharp words and the callous hands. As a child, Lily could never have pictured anything worse than a father who didn’t love his family. Her dad was her favorite person in the entire world. But Tobias Snape was all bloody noses and cussing, glass-shattering screams. She watches Severus now, the way he curls his lip cruelly at Sirius, the way he hardly gives her a glance when he is focused on his maliciousness. He never looked very much like his father, but in this moment the pictures align in her head.

Lily watches Sirius’ eyes bulge, his jaw clenching so tight she’s surprised his teeth are still in tact. “I’m going to kill you,” He seethes, making Severus stand up unbearably close to Sirius. “You even _look_ at him again and I’ll end your fucking life, Snivelly.”

Once upon a time the words would have put Lily on immediate offense, but now she just watches as Severus lets out a snort, his hooked nose bending slightly. “That’s sweet, all that brotherly love and affection. Pity he doesn’t care for it.”

Sirius takes a step closer, a lunge almost, thrusting a hand into the pocket of his robes. “Why you—”

“Sirius, stop!” Lily says desperately, grabbing onto the sleeve of Sirius’ shirt. She grasps the fabric tightly in her fingers, digging her heels into the dewy grass. “He isn’t worth it. He just isn’t.”

Severus blinks, turning his gaze over to Lily as though he’s just noticed her. Like the sky has parted to reveal the sun, he faces her. “Could I have a word, Lily?”

Lily startles and blurts out the first thing that comes to mind. “If that word is ‘goodbye’ then sure, it’s all yours.”

Severus shifts awkwardly, all hard lines and touch-starved. “I just—how was your summer?” 

“How was my summer.” Lily repeats, letting go of Sirius’ shirt in her disbelief. She stares blankly at Severus, at the wringing of his fingers and the nervous way he flickers his gaze over the courtyard.

“I heard your sister is getting married.” He says as though they’re discussing the weather. As though he hadn’t called her a mudblood and sent James to the hospital wing.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” She bursts out, stepping slightly in front of Sirius to speak directly at Severus. He cowers a bit, shrinking away from her. “You’re here trying to egg Sirius into punching you in the face and then trying to make small talk with me?” She spits at him. 

Severus swallows, she watches the bob of his throat, wondering whether he has any bravery in him at all to muster up. “I just… I saw her wedding shopping and I didn’t see you.”

“Fantastic,” Sirius snarls, finally recovering from his shock of hearing Severus try to make casual banter with her, “still stalking Evans back at home and spitting on Muggle-borns at Hogwarts? Your duality never fails to make me sick, Snivelly.” 

“I don’t believe I was speaking to you.” Severus says coldly. He’s like a light switch, flicking the good in him on and off with a simple twitch of his finger.

“Let’s go, Sirius.” Lily says, unsure whether she or Sirius is more likely to do something stupid right about now. Her throat is burning, her mind bringing up unwelcome images of the neutrality of James’ face as he had laid in the hospital bed that Severus had put him in.

“Lily—” Severus tries and Lily feels a dam in her burst. Like pieces of dominos, all their childhood memories clatter loudly in her head. Finding the kitten. Stories about Hogwarts. Studying for Potions. Splashing soapy dishwater at one another. Going to the Slug Club. Suddenly and abruptly, all those yellow tinted memories are smattered with blood. Her blood, her dirty Muggle-born blood.

“You said I wasn’t worth it on the train a few months ago, Severus, or don’t you remember that?” She asks, laughing darkly. Sirius shifts just a fraction closer so his shoulder brushes her. Whether it’s conscious or not, it makes her feel better. “Why do you keep wasting your time trying to talk to me then?”

Severus wrings his fingers together and she follows the movement with her eyes to see the sleeve of his robe slip. On his skinny wrist is a black watch, glinting the sunlight off the dial. Lily had given it to him for his fifteenth birthday. He still wears it, years later. The proof of his love for her rests on his wrist so delicately and immovably that Lily startles for a moment. He still loves her and still… and still he—

“You’re trying to talk to me, but the louder I speak the tighter you hold your wand.” Lily points out sadly, and even as she says it, Severus can’t seem to help dart his eyes around the grounds. “Don’t want your little friends seeing you talk to a mudblood, is that it?”

“That’s not—”

“You’ve changed.” Lily says, folding her arms together with sudden peace. “And I already told you that you’ve chosen your side and I’ve chosen mine. There was a time when we would’ve had each other’s back like it was the most natural thing in the world, but that time has passed.” Sirius leans further against her, his shoulder more surely pressing into hers. “I trusted you with my heart and you broke it.” 

“Lily…” And isn’t it funny that no matter how many times he tries to pick up the pieces of the mess he’s made, he never knows how. 

“Leave me alone.” She says quietly, taking a step away from Severus. “Please don’t try and talk to me ever again. I can hardly even stand to look at you after what you did.” 

For a moment, Severus’ eyes pull together, making lines on his face. Funny, she doesn’t think even years and years from now, Severus will have any smile lines. His expression morphs, loathing rising in his eyes so quickly that she’s immediately relieved that Sirius is by her side. “This is about _Potter_?”

Lily scoffs in disbelief. “For you, it always is.” 

Sirius stretches out his hand, places at it the small of her back, and guides the two of them away from Severus’ seething face. 

“Erm—are you alright?” Sirius asks awkwardly, once they’ve cleared the splash zone of Severus’ anger. Lily is vaguely bewildered that Sirius hadn’t lifted his wand. He’d let her handle the whole situation, though he’d been bristling with rage.

“I’m fine, Sirius.” Lily says, oddly touched by the protectiveness in his eyes. They walk further and further away from the courtyard, somehow both of them knowing to get as far away from Severus as possible. “I just wish I could avoid him. I hate seeing him all the time.”

“We could throw James’ Invisibility Cloak over him?” Sirius offers, squinting back at the school. Even from here, both of them spot James rather easily, his tall stature and ridiculous walking style (all swinging arms and waving at people) making him very conspicuous.

Lily lets out a surprised laugh, “Yeah I’m sure James would love to part with his cloak like that.” 

Sirius shrugs, a wolfish grin crawling up to his lips. “I’m sure he wouldn’t mind it getting greased up a bit if it made you happy.” The words are delivered with a nudge to her side, a knowing look that Lily simply refuses to acknowledge.

Shaking her head rapidly she says, “Is it wrong of me to want to slap him?” Sirius opens his mouth, “Snape, not James.”

“Join the club, Evans.” Sirius says, making a face. He reaches into the back pocket of his trousers, pulling his wand out of the same place that James keeps his. He shakes it back and forth between his fingers like a fidgety habit. “I’d ask you to get in line, but I feel like you deserve first hit.”

Lily lets out a bark of laughter, leaning on Sirius in her rapid mirth. They’ve walked so far that they’re almost at the edge of Hogwarts grounds, the Whomping Willow deceptively still in front of them. “I won’t hit him. But I _really_ want to.”

“Yeah, I thought you’d say that.” Sirius says, bumping their shoulders together. “How fond of you of these shoes?”

Lily startles, dropping her gaze to her feet. She’s wearing tattered ballet flats that she’d bought back in fifth year. The leather is peeling off the sides and the black has faded to a dirty grey. “Not very. Why?”

“James taught me a game,” Sirius says, bending down to shuck off his trainers. His are newer than hers, but he hardly seems to care. His socks are matching, white polka dots on both. “I get angry a lot—”

“Really? Never noticed.” Lily can’t help saying with a cheeky smile.

“Fuck off, Evans,” Sirius says, still grinning away at her, “ _Anyways_ ,” He continues pointedly, gesturing at her to take off her shoes. She obeys though she has no idea what he’s intending on having her do. “James and his mum always tried to tell me to find other ways to take out my anger ‘cause I end up doing some rather—er—reckless things. His mum would want me to knit,” Lily opens her mouth to work out another witty remark but Sirius bulldozes over her, “ _I know_ , it was awful, though I was rather good at it. But obviously when we came back to school I couldn’t knit.”

“I mean you could’ve,” Lily says, shrugging her shoulders, her ballet flats dangling from her fingertips. 

“Yeah, but I refused on principle.” Sirius answers carelessly, lifting one trainer up above his shoulder, arcing his elbow back and for a moment he looks just like James. They look nothing alike, but there’s something so similar about their mannerisms that Lily can’t help but smile at Sirius. “Instead, James and I, sometimes the other two come if they’re awake enough, come out here to the Whomping Willow.”

Lily turns away from Sirius to land her eyes on what he’s staring at. The Whomping Willow lies steady and still, its branches not swaying at all in the October winds. “Oh my _God_ , you two are mad!” Lily shrieks delightedly. 

“I’ve been told.” Sirius grins, pulling his arm back even further, squinting one eye shut and then propelling his trainer so fast that if she’d blinked she’d have missed it. His trainer soars across the grounds, flying so high that for a moment it seems the trainer will fall on the opposite side of the walls. But the second it enters the two meter range of the Whomping Willow, the branches lurch outwards. The trainer is cut in half, one branch end so pointy it could slice skin, the tree moves a disproportionately large amount consider how small its target is. But no one can say it’s not effective. In a matter of seconds, the trainer is nothing but a pile of scraps. 

“Fuck,” Lily says in awe, eyes wide at the tree as Sirius lets out a bark of laughter at the look on her face. “Man, if I could aim, I’d bet that I could get my shoe closer than yours.”

“Oh, you’re very welcome to try.” Sirius says, aiming his second trainer as Lily lifts one ballet flat. She looks at the tree in front of her, the shoe in her hand and Sirius Black at her side and wonders just how easily James is able to spread happiness. 

She arcs her skinny arm back, trying her best to mimic Sirius’ aim. Though it lands several meters to the left, it’s still in the range of the willow because a branch stretches out, so much longer than it had been moments ago and violently slaps her shoe into its center. Smaller branches close in on it, beating it so thoroughly that her shoe is no more. 

“Not bad,” Sirius says, looking behind them, “Get this one quick because I’m ninety percent sure that’s McGonagall and James headed this way.”

Lily whirls around to see the telltale hat of Professor McGonagall and James’ swinging arms. She lifts her other ballet flat, laughing as Sirius raises his hand, not having thrown his second trainer yet. “On three?” She asks to which he nods. “One, two, three!”

Their shoes soar in a wonderful arc against the rising October sun, flying towards the tree in sync. Somehow Lily has managed to aim at the exact same spot at Sirius, or perhaps it’s vice versa considering her ineptitude. The two black spots collide with branches, the largest one thumping them so hard they fly to the outer edges of the willow. Two smaller branches slice cleanly through them, two big holes in the center of their soles.

“Miss Evans!” McGonagall gasps behind her. Lily and Sirius exchange a look, immediately bursting out into a set of giggles that she tries hard to stifle as McGonagall turns her half-bewildered, half-disappointed gaze onto her. 

“I know, Professor,” Lily says, doing her best not to look at James whose mouth is dropping open. “I know! Detention on Saturday night for us?” Lily is almost a hundred percent sure she is the first Head Girl who has ever given herself detention.

McGonagall’s mouth falls open just a tad until Sirius lets out a guffaw and she manages to recover. “Right. Yes.” Then her gaze returns to its usual hardness and she says, “And no cheek, Miss Evans. You’re Head Girl, honestly.” 

She turns loudly, her cloak swishing in the wind as she prowls back to the courtyard. James looks at the two of them, half-proud, half-somber, “Really, Lily?” He says, putting his hands on his hips as a very good imitation of herself.

Sirius starts to laugh and Lily knows what’s going through James’ mind before he even gets a chance to say it. “Oh piss off, I know!”

“You got into detention while being Head Girl?” James tuts anyways, shaking his head at her like a melodramatic mother on a soap opera. “After all that warning you gave me?”

Lily shrugs her shoulders, smile threatening to overtake her pretend-annoyance. Her feet are starting to get cold, the dew of the grass is chilling against her skin. She pushes Sirius forward, the two of them walking in sync, a sense of camaraderie between them now that they’ve gotten in trouble together. “You’ve got to supervise the detention, y’know?”

“Now that is a disaster in the making.” James says shaking his head as he lunges to catch up to them. He taps his chin, stroking at it like she’s imagined Dumbledore doing. “Maybe I’ll have you guys fix up our dreadful sofa.”

“You’re completely—”

“—Ridiculous.” James and Sirius say in sync, grinning at one another as they do.

“I know.” James says, bumping Lily’s shoulder affectionately, “Now, will you promise me that you’ll get detention with _me_ one of these days?”

“Cross my heart and hope to die.” Lily promises, reaching over to pinch at James’ cheek, that _damned_ dimple cropping up and making her stomach flutter.

/

After her Saturday detention, in which McGonagall had taken over for James mid-way through, seemingly tired of the laughter she could hear through the wall in her office, Lily still didn’t think her day had been all that horrible. That is until, she’d seen the _Daily Prophet_ she’d forgone that morning. 

Fist clenching and tears rising, Lily turns blindly on her route back to the common room. Every time she manages to convince herself that the world is still a beautiful place, it turns around and begs to prove her wrong. Before she knows it, she’s not in front of the Fat Lady, but a solid wooden door that she pushes open anyways. Lily collapses into the dreadful sofa of their Heads' office and screams loudly into the cushion she manages to get her hands on.

“What’d that pillow ever do to you?” James’ voice enters her ears that she only groans back at. She has her eyes tightly shut against the cushions, willing the world to freeze in this moment where all she can hear is James’ voice. “Lily?” 

“Did you see the news?” She garbles against the fabric.

“Sorry?”

Sighing to herself, Lily lifts herself off the sofa, a tiny imprint of her lipstick on the yellowing fabric. She turns towards James who’s stood up from his place at the long table. He must’ve been logging detentions, she thinks, eyeing the long rolls of parchment and two bottles of ink. The fire is roaring behind them, the room filled with a comfortable warmth that Lily loves. 

“Did you see the news?” She asks again, meeting those hazel eyes shimmering behind smudged lenses.

James lets out a smile, all sad and no teeth and sinks down on the sofa next to her. It’s so small that already their knees bump or perhaps that’s just them, wanting to be close to one another. “Yeah, I saw it.”

The headline had read “SIXTEEN MUGGLE-BORNS DEAD THIS WEEK”. There had been no sugar-coating it, the death rates had been climbing steadily and it was getting harder and harder to find someone who didn’t know what the Dark Mark looked like. Lily thinks of the two children her and James had carried through the chaos at Diagon Alley and knows in her bones, that though young, they could draw that heinous mark without a single flaw. 

“It’s horrible,” Lily chokes out, wondering when she’s going to get used to reading about all these deaths in the papers. One of these days her own name will join the list of the dead and Marlene will have to find out about it over her morning toast. 

“I know,” James says softly, stretching out an arm to wrap around her shoulder. Lily doesn’t let herself stiffen, just curls into his touch and slips her hand around his waist. His sweater is fuzzy and soft with a cartoon ghost embroidered across the chest. “It’s getting worse out there.”

His voice ends at an upturn, like he’s about to say something else. Lily has spent so much time with him now that she knows what it is, though she wishes she didn’t. James Potter is all burning sunlight and evening laughter. He is the kind of boy who teaches his friend anger-management techniques through ridiculous games and makes little kids smile. He has laughter sewn into his very being with his ever-present smile lines though he’s only seventeen, and that adorable dimple in his cheek. And despite it all, despite all that love and laughter, he also has something else inside him.

“I know you’re a blood traitor and you have fighting in your bones,” Lily says, voice coming out shakier than she thought it would. “But I wouldn’t blame you if you wanted to run away from this fight.” 

She can’t see James from his angle, her head tucked in under his chin, but she feels his hands tighten around her. “Have you ever known me to run away from a fight?”

She shakes her head, her fingers pinching the fabric of his sweater, nails a glittering red, courtesy of James. “No, but… you could lose your life in this one.”

“You’re not wrong there.” James says, shifting her in his arms so that she can look up at him. His face is so close to hers, his lips pulled into a sweet, sweet smile. “But there are things worth dying for aren’t there?”

Lily’s lip quivers. “James, people are really dying out there… I don’t want any of us to be next.” 

James shakes his head at her, so determined and so stubborn. “I don’t think you’ve given any of the other lads this speech.” 

“I don’t think they should lose their lives either,” She says immediately on the defensive. But the more she looks at James, the more she wants to sink back into his arms. “I couldn’t stand it if something happened to you… _any_ of you.” 

James squeezes her shoulder. “ _Nothing_ is happening to me.”

“You don’t know that.” She snaps half-heartedly, pulling herself a little out of his arms, wishing she had enough room to put her hands on her hips, but not having the strength to pull away completely. “You’re always following me off into some stupid duel or rally—”

“It’s not just for you, you know.” James says, smiling and this time there’s teeth and even his dimple and Lily’s heart thuds in her chest. Her cheeks flush.

“Huh?”

“Whose got a big head now?” He teases, lifting a finger to poke her softly at the tip of her nose. “I’m fighting for this cause because I believe in it. Because it boils my blood that people think they’re any better than Muggles and Muggle borns. I’ve always disagreed with it. I intend to fight for this cause no matter what, Evans.”

For a moment, Lily stares at him. James Potter and his beautiful, bounding spirit. When she speaks again, it feels like there are flowers growing from the veins in her wrist and sunshine flooding through the windows though it’s the evening. This stuffy sofa with James and his knees knocking into hers becomes a lifeboat that stops Lily from sinking. 

“You really have grown up, haven’t you?” She says softly, curling back against him, squeezing him tightly as she does.

“Mhmm, don’t tell Sirius, though.” He laughs, lips brushing her hairline, tickling the skin he finds there. There’s a pause and only a fraction of hesitation and then he says, “And hey, Evans, that doesn’t mean I won’t be there for you. I will always have your back. I know you don’t need me to, but—”

“—No! It’s sweet!” Lily says loudly, her whole face burning, her cheeks and nose and ears definitely as red as her hair and she’s grateful he can’t see her. “And if you ever needed me, I’d have yours, as well.” She says, managing not to stammer through her sentence, feeling oddly nervous, but somehow still utterly at peace. She supposes that must be the James Potter Effect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can you tell I'm really fond of Sirius and Lily's friendship because I really am. I LOVE writing them together and I'm really enjoying developing their relationship. 
> 
> Up Next: James and Lily inch towards their less friendly feelings.


	22. tonight, we are young, so let's set the world on fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius Black's birthday calls for celebration.

James loves his friends. It’s not a secret, in fact it might be the core of his entire personality. He loves his friends so much that he’s willing to sacrifice his very first sixty-three straight detention-free days in order to secure a birthday present for one Sirius Black. 

“This is the stupidest thing you’ve ever asked me to do,” Marlene says, standing guard outside the Heads’ office and calling out to him.

“Shut up,” James yells back, hefting the large crate that four owls had carried from his house onto the table. Though his father had placed a weightlessness charm on the thing inside the crate, the crate itself was still rather heavy. Once he secures the crate safely on the table, he reaches into his bag to pull out his bag of owl treats. He tosses four into the air, the owls all leaping forward to get them into their beaks. 

The crate is about as long as their table, the wooden edges hammered tightly shut. James taps the lid with his wand, running the tip over the edges until the crate clicks lighty open. With another wave of his wand, the sides of the crate fall over, revealing Sirius’ present that had taken significant effort for James and his dad to track down.

“Whiskers approaching! Whiskers approaching!” Marlene calls out urgently. James looks around the room wildly, but his invisibility cloak is nowhere to be found. Damn it, he thinks, Sirius had probably taken it earlier that morning. He’d taken measures to avoid teachers coming down this hallway, how did McGonagall hear about this? Ridiculously, he stands in front of the table and present, folding his arms together and smiling his best smile. 

McGonagall appears in the doorway not three seconds later, a giggling Marlene behind her. McGonagall’s gaze lands first on James and then on the table behind him. She blinks once, then twice and then seems to surrender to her fate because she just shakes her head. “Do I  _ want  _ to know what this is for?” she asks, bringing a hand up to pinch at her nose. 

“Fun?” He offers mainly because it’s a competition between him and the rest of the boys to see who can get McGonagall’s nostrils to flare the most. Believe it or not, Remus holds the record.

“You’re Head Boy,” McGonagall sighs, “I, myself, put a recommendation for you forward.” She tuts, but it’s hardly any use because that sentence makes him beam, touched by her gesture. “And you still want to get in trouble like this?” 

“Technically,” James says, grinning at McGonagall in a way he is truly going to miss once he graduates, “This isn’t dangerous so you can’t confiscate it. I wasn’t using it or doing magic on it. It’s not against the rules to get mail.”

“I see you’ve finally read the code of conduct,” McGonagall says and he’s pretty sure there’s a twinkle in those green eyes of hers. “Be that as it may, it has the  _ potential  _ to be dangerous. So while I won’t confiscate it, I will have to take ten points off Gryffindor.”

“Come on, Professor.” James whines, “It’s for Sirius’ birthday.”

“Well good for him.” McGonagall shakes her head as Marlene covers her mouth to muffle her laughter. She’s not doing a very good job. “It’s only ten points, Potter. You can very easily make that up in the upcoming match against Ravenclaw.” That manages to make Marlene stop laughing and James to start. McGonagall stares at the table and shakes her head, though he’s sure he sees the corner of her mouth twitch. “You best not wreak havoc with that thing.”

“I’m going to just nod to that statement,” James says, “so I can’t be held responsible for anything that may happen after this.” McGonagall gives an exasperated pinch of her nose. James takes that as a sign to voice the question he’s been thinking about just as she’s about to duck out the door. “How did you even know I got this?”

McGonagall stalls by the doorway, looking at him very carefully when she says her next words. “A student reported that you may have received a dangerous parcel and thought they should inform me.” James grits his teeth, he has a pretty fair idea of who that might be, though he’s smart enough not to voice his frustration to McGonagall.

“Snape?” Marlene asks once McGonagall takes her leave and is out of earshot. She runs her glittery fingertips over Sirius’ present. 

“Who else would it be?” James scowls, good mood evaporating quickly. 

“You  _ did  _ make his eggs to blow up in his face at breakfast the other day,” Marlene says, shrugging her shoulders, blue eyes piercing when they look at him.

“He  _ did  _ give me a bloody nose with his trip jinx that morning,” James answers, prepared for that line of questioning.

Marlene turns around, blonde curls shaking as she does. “Lily didn’t tell me that.”

James stretches out a hand to tug at one of her loose curls, smiling lightly. “That would be because she doesn’t know about it.” Marlene opens her mouth, eyebrows pulled into that telltale argumentative form, but James waves a hand in the air. “She doesn’t need to either. He’s given her enough grief, she doesn’t need to go hating him even more because he’s still jinxing me.”

Marlene stares at him and James shifts uncomfortably under her gaze, shifting slightly so he can stare at Sirius’ present instead. He pretends not to notice the calculating way her eyes scroll over him, though he feels little beads of perspiration drip down the back of his neck. Marlene can be very unsettling when she wants to be. “Is that the only reason?” She asks finally. 

“What else would it be?” James asks, still not looking at her, still feigning ignorance.

“You’re sure you’re not omitting this fact from Lily because you don’t want her to be upset about  _ you  _ jinxing him?” Marlene says, words launched so precisely that James is forced to meet those calculating blue eyes of hers.

“That’s not why.” James says feebly, but she keeps looking at him, just looking with her arms crossed and shoulders rested like she could watch him sweat all day. “I don’t want her to hate Snape more,” He says firmly, mind pulling up images of Lily and her big, green eyes and how teary they’d been at any mention of Snape. “But, I don’t want her to think less of me either.”

Marlene softens, stretching out a hand to squeeze at his bicep. “I really think you’re underestimating how Lily feels about you.” James gives her a disbelieving look, though his heart soars a bit at how Lily  _ might  _ feel about him. “Trust me, I know her.”

“Yeah,” He says quietly, “Then you know just how disappointed she’d be in me.” Marlene doesn’t reply. He’s not sure if that makes him feel better or worse.

/

“You know,” Peter says as the lot of them are walking down to the courtyard the very next day, “the more time goes on, the more I question why on Earth anyone made you Head Boy.”

“Oi!” James yells indignantly, shaking the crate he’s holding in his hands, “I make a fantastic Head Boy, I’ll have you know.”

“Sure,” Remus says shrugging his shoulders as best as he can while he grasps the other end. “But we got away with enough rubbish because I was a Prefect. With you as Head Boy, it honestly just seems too easy.”

“Are you really complaining that we can stay out past curfew without any effort?” James snaps back, walking carefully backwards as to not trip over his own feet.

“No one’s complaining,” Sirius says, appearing once they’ve reached the courtyard. James grins over at him before he shifts his gaze to the girls, all bundled up in coats and house scarves. The moon shines down on them, a waxing gibbous, so close to the full moon but not quite. Lily’s spread out those jars filled with flames that James had taught her how to make so there’s enough lighting around. “Though it is a mighty coincidence you’re patrolling tonight.”

“Don’t be silly, Sirius,” Lily says, smiling conspiratorially with James. “I set the schedule up so James and I would have tonight.” That had taken a fair bit of advance planning, but luckily Lily always thought ten steps ahead. Their turn on the patrolling rota and Peter keeping an eye on the map made this plan nearly foolproof.

“How sweet,” Sirius says, swinging an arm around Lily’s shoulder, shaking the bottles of fairy wine she has in her hands. James smiles fondly at the pair of them, glad beyond belief that the two of them seem to get on like a house on fire. “Now, Prongs. Are you finally going to tell us what’s in this box?”

“We all know,” Emmeline points out, nudging Sirius so hard that Lily jostles wildly. “You’re the only one that doesn’t.”

James and Remus set down the re-sealed crate on the grass gently. They’ve met up near the tree that James and Lily often study under, Lily’s checkered blanket set up next to another fluffy pink one. There are a bunch of glasses spread out and a basket of what James suspects contains butterbeer cakes, something Marlene had invented herself for this very occasion. 

“Alright, Pads,” James says, clapping Sirius on the shoulder and shoving him to the front of the crate. “This one is from dad and I.” Sirius grins at him, eagerly running his fingers over the edges of the crate, leaning over it. 

“I wouldn’t stand so close to it,” Marlene advises, teasing in her eyes as she tugs the back of Sirius’ jacket lightly. 

Sirius squints suspiciously at the crate in front of him, turning to face James, who is having a hard time not bursting into laughter. He gets giggly when he’s excited, sue him. “This isn’t going to explode in my face, is it?”

“Now would I ever do that?” James asks, holding a hand to his chest in offense. 

“You already did.” Remus says, shaking his head in amusement, “Remember my fourteenth birthday?”

James and Sirius exchange a short look before bursting into laughter. “Man, I remember that. Your eyebrows took forever to grow back.” Sirius says grinning at Remus.

“Cheers, Padfoot.” Remus rolls his eyes, shoving Sirius further towards the crate. Sirius scowls, but runs his fingers along the edges, tapping his wand at the edges until the lid creaks open. 

“I would still look good without eyebrows right?” Sirius asks no one in particular, tucking his thumbs under the lid carefully. 

“Beautiful,” James and Lily say in unison, grinning at one another. Sirius rolls his eyes, but pushes his thumbs upwards, propelling the lid open, letting it clatter loudly against the back of the crate, revealing a sparkling, new motorcycle. The seat is made of black leather, the whole thing large with high handles and a single, circular headlight. 

His grey eyes go comically wide, an expression of pure, unadulterated joy on his face. James finds himself mirroring it. “You’re fucking with me.” He says, still not able to tear his eyes away from the box. Numbly, he nudges Peter who is standing next to him, staring at the motorbike with vague displeasure. “Peter, am I fucking hallucinating?”

Peter, who couldn’t care less about the motorcycle after knowing that Sirius would never give him a turn on it nor give anyone the slightest bit of attention when it was around. “I honestly wish you were.”

Sirius manages to look away from the motorcycle, though his slim fingers start to stroke at the handlebars with a carefulness that one would use with a baby. “James—”

“Me and dad got it! We picked it out over the summer!” James exclaims, not being able to hold it in any longer. He strides closer to Sirius, waving his hands around excitedly. “You won’t believe how much work it took tracking this thing do—”

The rest of his sentence is cut off because Sirius stretches out a hand to pull James towards him, their chests colliding sharply. James claps him on the back, both of them laughing loudly. “I love you, Prongs.” Sirius says into his neck, voicing the words that he usually prefers demonstrating with aggressive embraces and sharp defenses. “I could  _ kiss  _ you right now.”

James lets out a bark of laughter, pulling away to face Sirius’ smiling face. It’s so rare to see Sirius’ face without any semblance of sharpness in it, but this is one of the rare times Sirius doesn’t hide the softness tucked away inside him. “I’m always open to that, but I think I’ll settle for first ride with you on this thing.”

“Oh  _ hell  _ yeah.” Sirius agrees, kicking the sides of the crate until they fall gracelessly onto the grass. Their friends are all looking at the motorcycle with varying degrees of exasperation and excitement. James very much appreciates that Lily looks just about as thrilled as Sirius himself.

The man in question has swung his leg over the seat, hands comfortably settling on the handlebars. With his leather jacket and long hair, he looks as though he was made to sit there. “Hop on.” He says, gesturing behind him.

James grins, making his way over and swinging his leg to straddle the seat. “We should really get a sidecar,” He tells Sirius, as he places his hands on Sirius’ shoulders. Sirius snorts at the suggestion, as James knew he would. A sidecar would ruin his cool guy facade.

“ _ Muffliato _ .” Remus whispers, moving his wand in a large arc around the courtyard. “Can’t be too careful.”

Emmeline lets out a scoff, bumping her shoulder with Remus’. “Motorbikes are generally very noisy, so good call.”

Sirius doesn’t wait for James to tell him he’s ready, already revving the engine, the motorcycle purring under his touch. James tightens his fingers on Sirius’ shoulders, digging his fingers into the leather jacket. Sirius digs his hands into the handles, thrusting the motorbike forward and before James has any chance to prepare himself for the motion, they propel off the bottom of the crate and onto the grass.

The motorcycle digs into the ground, splattering mud on Marlene and Peter, who were standing closest to them. It revs unbelievably loudly, James can feel the engine purring under his butt. Sirius lets out a whoop that James mirrors, then shifts a gear like he was born to do so and swings the motorcycle into the night to the sound of their laughter.

/

“I’m so happy right now,” James sighs, tipping his head against Lily’s as they lay on their checkered blanket under the canopy of willow trees. Remus and Peter are engaged in an odd contest where they balance their glasses on top of their heads as Emmeline tries to toss crumpled up wrappers of the butterbeer cakes into them. Peter has a much flatter head so James isn’t very surprised that Remus is losing abysmally. 

Sirius still hasn’t let go of his motorbike, still sitting on it even as he and Marlene engage in an excited conversation. Sirius is still grinning, the moonlight reflecting on his face and showing his mirth so clearly that James feels the urge to grin too. Sirius had taken everyone on a ride, lingering the edges of the Forbidden Forest and definitely waking Hagrid up with the roar of his engine. Lily had climbed off the motorcycle with such reluctance that James seriously considers buying her one for Christmas. 

“Me too,” Lily says, eyes focused up on the sky. Her voice is soft and fond, fingers just a few inches away from his. “Know any constellations?”

James peers through the branches of the willow tree, looking towards the sky. The moon hangs brightly, the sky colored a midnight blue. Stars twinkle brightly at them, a glittering landscape that looks like someone had sewn it together. “I’ll be honest, I only know where the star Sirius is.”

“Oh my God, you  _ would _ ,” She laughs, but doesn’t sound disappointed, no never disappointed. James grins at her, the laughter in her voice so mesmerizing he has a hard time focusing on just about anything else, though part of that must be the wine in his veins. “I was thinking…”

“What were you thinking?” James asks, tilting himself sideways so he’s leaning his weight on one elbow, his hand resting against his cheek as he looks at Lily. Eyeing his pose, she copies him, red sweater pulling just slightly above her waist to reveal a tiny patch of pale skin. James stares only a second too long to be friendly.

Lily pretends not to notice, just smiles at him, the corners of her eyes crinkling. She’s going to have so many smile lines when she’s old. “I was thinking maybe you boys would like to come over to mine for Christmas?”

James’ smile droops slightly. “Oh, that sounds lovely.”

“But?” She prods, shifting closer to him. He can smell her shampoo from here, that faintly lavender scent. Maybe it’s her perfume.

Distracted, he groans, scrunching his eyes shut in annoyance. “I just… I didn’t go home last year. Was too scared of Christmas without mum.” He admits sheepishly, looking at her shining green eyes. “But I want to go back this break, can’t leave my dad alone again.” 

She smiles, all beautiful like a summer daydream and even now, in the middle of the night in November, James feels like there is sunlight pouring over him. “That’s really sweet, James.”

He shrugs his shoulders as best he can with the way he’s leaning. He’d rather focus on how enchanting Lily is than his family fuck ups. “It’s messed up I even let him be alone last year.”

“You were grieving.” She says softly, bending her knees so they touch his just slightly.

“So was he.” He answers, meeting her gaze with just a little sadness. “You don’t have to make excuses for me, Evans. It was a shitty thing to do.”

“You were in pain,” She says simply, but very firmly. “We don’t always make the wisest decisions when we’re hurt.”

James lets the words wash over his guilt, allowing them to soothe the shame he’s been carrying around. He rakes his eyes over Lily, the way her auburn hair falls down in a pile on the blanket. The way she’s drumming here fingers absently against her thigh. Her green eyes are alight with happiness, even now, when they’re talking about less than pleasant things. She cries all the time, James wonders how she can hold so many tears and laughs in one tiny body.

“Your mum must’ve been lovely.” Lily says, fishing him out of his thoughts.

“Yeah she was.” He agrees immediately. The sting of his mother’s death is nowhere close to fading, but he finds he doesn’t mind talking about her with Lily. “How d’you reckon?”

“She had to have been to raise someone as lovely as you.” Lily says and this time when she smiles, James spots a tiny chip in one of her front teeth.

“Am I hallucinating or are you flirting with me?” James replies faintly, a steady warmth spreading over the rest of his body. If someone asks him later, he’s going to blame the alcohol for his reckless words.

She giggles lightly and James watches her in wonder. Two years ago they had fought so fiercely in this very courtyard, but now she looks at him with such fondness that it’s hard to believe there had been a time when they hadn’t been on the same side. “I dunno,  _ Potter _ , does your brain still work under that head of hair?”

Her words are combative, but it doesn’t break the romantic atmosphere. It just surprises a laugh out of his lungs. “It’s debatable.”

Lily smiles and reaches out to poke at the side of his face where he knows his dimple appears. She always touches the very same spot. “Well, I’m going to miss you over break.”

“Yeah?” He says, suddenly flushed with nervousness.

“Yeah.” She replies, eyes lowered and voice hushed. There is a faint buzzing in his veins and a thrumming in his stomach. Though these are common signs that James is piss drunk, he knows these are the effects of something much stronger than alcohol. “Give me those.” Lily says suddenly, reaching out her hands to grab the glasses right of his face.

“I can’t see!” He says, too bewildered to stop her. He squints at her, but even this close his eyesight is horrible. She’s reduced to a white blob with another red blob on top.

Vaguely, he can make out her hands pulling up her sweater. She lifts it enough that her skin reappears, a patch of white entering his vision. She’s lifting her sweater and he doesn’t even have his glasses on. He’s going to pout about that later. “I’m surprised you can see even with them on, they’re so bloody dirty.”

_ Oh _ . Her movements click into place. She’s cleaning his glasses with the fabric of her sweater. “You’re a neat freak.”

“I just like things to be clean,” She says defensively and he can’t see, but he hears the pout in her voice. Vaguely he makes out a few black lines on her face. She’s putting his glasses on. “Now, how do I look?”

“Beautiful.” He says automatically.

Lily laughs, pushing a hand out to shove his shoulder. “Thought you said you couldn’t see without your glasses.”

“I can’t.” James answers simply. He looks at her as best he can, all smudgy and blurry, but he doesn’t need his glasses to remind him how very much he loves this girl. “But something I’d know if I was blind, or senile or dead, is that you, Lily Evans, are beautiful.”

“James…” She whispers delicately and he feels, more than sees her coming closer to him. The blanket shifts under them and James is suddenly very aware of the grass under the blanket, their friends a few feet away, the lavender of her hair. Lily comes closer and closer and though he still can’t make out all the soft lines of her face, he can see her striking green eyes under his shining glasses.

The metal rims of his glasses touch his eyebrows, she must be wearing them quite low. Dimly, he acknowledges how bizarre it is to be thinking about the placement of his glasses when Lily Evans is hardly a breath away from kissing him. James closes his eyes, lets the November wind flutter past them as Lily places a tiny hand on his hip. He licks his lips, his beating heart threatening to burst from his chest in anticipation.

And suddenly, heartbreakingly there is a noise that shatters the romantic atmosphere. James has spent enough time in the Forbidden Forest to know a wounded animal’s cry when he hears it. He perks up wildly, moving his head around to find the source. Lily lets out a noise too, ripping the glasses from her face and tossing them into his lap as she strides towards their friends. He wrestles them onto his face, blinking to look around once more. 

His gaze lands on Emmeline, all their friends crowding around her as an owl hoots softly, resting on Sirius’ bike seat. He moves quickly, making his way over to her. There are tears streaming down her face, mascara running over her dark cheeks. There is a letter in her hand that she clutches with a vice-like grip. Lily and Marlene are holding onto her side, but Emmeline keeps pushing them, digging her nails in and shoving them away from her. Over and over, she makes that same wounded noise that James had thought an animal had made.

“It’s her brother,” Remus whispers in James’ ear, voice trembling as he places a hand on his shoulder. “He’s dead.”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Emmeline. I always hate writing sad scenes but the fact of the matter is, they did grow up during a war. I'd appreciate if you dropped a comment!
> 
> Up next: it's a very dreary Christmas


	23. sweet creature

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a pretty long chapter, so brace yourselves

Lily wishes she had James’ natural knack for knowing exactly how to cheer people up. Her friends have teased her about having a silver tongue for years, but she’s never felt quite as tongue-tied as she did at Alphonse’s funeral. What’re you supposed to say to your friend when she collapses into heart wrenching sobs when she’s supposed to be giving a eulogy?

Her and Marlene had tried their best. Hardly ever leaving her side, Marlene curling into Emmeline’s bed every night since they’d returned to Hogwarts. But Emmeline has gotten this horrible look in her brown eyes that reminds Lily of the Grey Lady. 

“I’m worried about her,” Marlene says quietly, crawling into Lily’s bed, their shoulders bumping horribly. It’s approaching Christmas time holidays now and Emmeline hardly speaks a word to anybody. “She’s been acting like a bloody Inferius for the last few weeks.”

“I know,” Lily whispers, pressing her nose into Marlene’s neck. The sound of the shower is quiet, but even quieter considering how loudly Emmeline usually sings. “I don’t know what to do.”

Her mind lingers to the funeral. Her and Marlene had been permitted to go back with Emmeline, but were instructed to return the same day. They’d only been there for a couple of hours, but it felt like an entire lifetime. Mrs Vance had taken one look at Emmeline and wrapped her up in a hug so tight, Lily was sure her ribs would break. But Emmeline hadn’t hugged back, just stood there like a limp doll, her eyes dull. When Marlene had offered to find something of Alphonse for her to keep with her, Emmeline had pretended like she hadn’t spoken. Even when Mr Vance had started to scream, casting spells haphazardly in his rage, Emmeline hadn’t looked up once. 

Lily had felt so far; so many miles and miles away from Hogwarts that it seemed even hope would take very long to reach them. 

“Oh hey, Marlene.” Emmeline says, making Marlene and Lily jump. Immediately, Marlene sits up, throws the covers off herself, ready to pounce into Emmeline’s bed. But she doesn’t even look at the pair of them, just absently tugging on her nightie. “I didn’t know you were stopping by.”

Marlene’s smile cracks, saying a little weakly, “I’ve been here every night, dear.”

“Oh, right, yeah.” Emmeline responds absently, slinking back over to her bed. Lily squeezes Marlene’s shaking wrist under the covers. “Goodnight then.”

“No, Em.” Lily says suddenly. Her eyes flicker to Mary’s sleeping form, glad her eyes are still closed though Lily had spoken rather loudly. “Let’s… let’s do something.”

“I’m good, Lily.” Emmeline answers, looking up at Lily for the first time that entire day. Her brown eyes are watery. “I don’t want to do anything.”

“Let’s just go for a little walk.” Lily’s never been one to sit still. She doesn’t know if that’s a byproduct of growing up with Petunia who had _adored_ staying inside and stationary, but she’s always been this way. Never content with staying put.

“I don’t want to go outside.”

Marlene lowers her voice, all her sharp edges softened. “A few minutes, Em. Please?”

For a moment, Emmeline just stares at Marlene as though she doesn’t recognize her. Lily can tell it stings Marlene, with the way her fingers shake, but she doesn’t look away. A part of Lily has always known that the two of them share a connection that she’s never been privy to. They’d forged it while Lily was still spending hours with Severus and the thought had made her feel a little lonely. But the feeling fades the second she spots the exact moment where something flickers in Emmeline’s eyes.

Nodding, Emmeline drags herself out of bed. Marlene and Lily jump out before she can change her mind, pulling on their night robes. They tread quietly out of the girls’ dorm, making their way into the common room. It’s past midnight so it should be empty, but Peter is passed out on the sofa, snoring quietly. Lily tosses a blanket over his sleeping form, mainly for something to do because the air is thick and awkward.

Though Emmeline agreed to come, she still doesn’t speak, doesn’t offer any insight into what she must be feeling. Marlene walks slower than usual, her confident stride suddenly unsteady like the change in Emmeline has changed something in her, too. Lily’s mind whirls with platitudes and advice, but none of it feels genuine. They creep out of the portrait hole, the Fat Lady sniping at them for waking her, but none of them pay her mind.

They’re down two flights of moving staircases before Lily gathers her nerve to speak. “How’s Yasmin?”

Emmeline shrugs. “Dunno.”

Marlene side-eyes Lily like _really?_ Yasmin had started to flutter nervously around them at the breakfast table, offering Emmeline slices of toast to deaf ears. Once she’d realized Emmeline wouldn’t speak to her, she’d taken to finding Marlene and Lily any time she could to inquire about Em’s state of mind. “She’s been asking about you.”

“I don’t want to talk to anyone.” Emmeline says, then lifts her eyes from her feet to see where they’ve turned up. “Where are we going?” She pulls her robe tighter around her. Lost in their thoughts, they’ve come up to one of the entrances to the courtyard, the December winds blowing harshly. Luckily the snow hasn’t started to fall just yet, so none of it can freeze their toes. “It’s cold outside.”

“You need some fresh air.” Lily says, striding forward as though she has some sort of plan.

“You don’t always know what’s best, Lily.” Emmeline snaps suddenly. Lily looks over her shoulder to see her eyebrows pulled together, an angry tug of her lips. Lily should feel guilty, but she’s more relieved that Emmeline still has the energy to get angry that she almost feels like laughing. 

“Easy, Em. She’s just trying to help.” Marlene placates, stretching a hesitant hand to rub at Emmeline’s shoulder. She pulls away roughly, scowling as they make their way down Hogwarts’ rolling hills.

“You’re right, I don’t know what’s best.” Lily says finally, her eyes focusing on the Black Lake shimmering nearby. The moon glitters on the water, allowing her to see the extent of the grounds and the trees that cover it. It’s freezing outside, but when the grounds look so serene it’s hard to do anything but marvel at the beauty of it. “But I _do_ know that sitting in bed the whole day isn’t going to make anything easier, love.”

“You don’t know what it’s like.” And this time, Emmeline doesn’t sound angry. “You just don’t.”

“You’re right.” Marlene says immediately, making Lily shoot her a look. They continue walking, approaching the trees that surround the lake, their slippers padding against tiny stones. “But that doesn’t mean we can’t be there for you.”

Emmeline doesn’t answer, eyes narrowing unpleasantly at the lake. Lily has very much missed this disapproving look. “What’re we doing here? It’s way too cold to go swimming.”

“We’re not—”

“We’re witches, Emmeline.” Lily says, suddenly struck by such a reckless idea she wonders if Sirius is possessing her. “We’ve got warming charms.”

“ _Lily._ ” Marlene hisses, half disbelieving, half impressed.

Lily shakes her head, stripping off her robes, shivering as the wind hits her skin. She tugs her t-shirt off, pulling her shorts down until she’s left just in her underwear. “Strip down, ladies.” She says, teeth chattering wildly as she digs around for her wand. Quickly, she casts a warming spell, soothed by the heat spreading through her veins.

“You’re completely mad.” Marlene whispers, watching her like she’s a circus.

Lily laughs, suddenly hopeful and starting to sprint toward the water, jagged stones digging into the soles of her feet painfully. “Come join me!”

Lily dives into the water unabashedly, reveling in the feeling. With the warming charm, it feels like the middle of the summer, only a cool sheen on her skin though the water must be frigid. She squints over at her friends who have moved towards the rocks in their disbelief. She can see Emmeline’s jaw dropping. “Is she being serious?”

Marlene laughs, “She is in the lake in her knickers. Safe to say this isn’t a joke.” And then, in almost a mirror image of the same way they’d skinny-dipped, she pulls off her nightie with gusto. Grinning over at Emmeline, she asks, “Coming?”

“What about the merpeople?” She whispers, but Lily sees that her fingers shift to tug her nightgown off. 

Marlene looks up from where she’s casting her drying spell. Lily doesn’t see her face, but knows that the look in her eyes must be the softest thing in the world because Emmeline suddenly flushes. “I won’t let anything happen to you.”

Nervously, Emmeline sheds her clothes, casting a half-hearted warming charm that definitely won’t last. Marlene grins at her, the two of them facing Lily who waves at them through her slow paddling of the water. She reaches out to grab Emmeline’s hand, pulling her closer and closer to the bank of the river until their feet are wet.

Slowly they inch forwards, sunk to their chests until they’re only a meter away from Lily. “Nice to see you’ve decided to join me.”

“It’s still kind of cold.” Marlene whines, scrunching up her nose.

Lily laughs, Marlene’s complaints so familiar that the whole world feels upright again. “That’s because you’re rubbish at charms.”

Marlene paddles a little closer, splashing Lily in the face. Lily coughs, water entering her mouth and leaving an unpleasant taste on her tongue. “You’re such a bitch about it. Why don’t you just do the charm for me instead of listening to me whine about it?”

“It’s much more fun this way.” Lily bickers back, splashing back at Marlene, finally wetting her curls that she had kept carefully above the surface. Dodging Marlene’s oncoming blow smoothly, Lily turns her gaze over to Emmeline. “You alright, love?”

Emmeline rubs her arms, goosebumps visible under the moonlight. “It’s really cold.”

Immediately, Marlene stops trying to splash Lily. “D’you want me to attempt a warming charm?”

“No.” Emmeline looks over at them, paddling closer so their feet kick every now and then. Her hair is tied up in a knot at the top of her head, leaving her face very open. “I… I feel like I hardly noticed things like hot and cold recently. It’s almost nice.”

Marlene and Lily exchange a look, but neither of them say anything. It’s hard to form any words when Emmeline looks seconds away from shattering. Lily’s feet collide with Emmeline’s shin, but she gives no indication she’s felt it, her brown eyes turned up towards the sky, staring at the glittering constellations with a quivering lip.

“D’you know that I didn’t look at Al’s body at the funeral?” Emmeline says suddenly. She smiles waveringly at them, eyes welling up with tears. “I told you girls that I went to look at it with mum and dad before they put the shroud over it, but I lied.”

“Em…” Marlene whispers as the tears escape Emmeline’s eyes.

“There just wasn’t any _point_ to him dying, y’know.” Emmeline whispers, the three of them pulled so close together that it’s a miracle they’re still afloat. Hardly an inch away, Lily can feel Emmeline’s body shaking from cold, from pain, she isn’t sure. “The Daily Prophet didn’t report on it even though he was killed by a Death Eater. It’s not like he ended Voldemort’s regime. All of it is still going on and his death didn’t make a shred of difference.”

“Of course it made a difference, Emmeline.” Lily says fiercely.

Emmeline turns her eyes onto Lily, eyebrows pulled sternly together. Her jaw is set very tight and it reminds Lily of the argument they had many months ago. “Just because you believe in the cause doesn’t mean that his death is justified, Lily!”

“I would _never_ say that. His death was cruel and unnecessary and it never should’ve happened.” Lily says, splashing the water as she gestures to make a point. Kicking her feet like she’s pedaling a bicycle, she moves even closer to Emmeline, pulling their hands together tightly. “But it wasn’t pointless. It meant something.”

“You hardly knew him.”

“But _you_ did. His life had meaning, Em.” Lily says, squeezing Emmeline’s shaking fingers. There aren’t many things that seem very certain anymore, but Lily has never doubted the value of human life. “He made a difference to your life, helped make you who you are. He had parents and friends and that strange society he was in. He touched people in his life and they’re all changed because of his death.”

For a moment, Emmeline and Marlene just stare at Lily. She only has one beat to second guess herself, wondering if she’s crossed an unspoken line. They haven’t talked about Alphonse so plainly, too scared of Emmeline’s fragility. 

But then, she sniffles loudly, sobs cascading out of her like a waterfall. “I miss him so much!”

Lily’s heart clenches, pulling Emmeline into a tight embrace. “I’m so sorry, love.” She whispers, squeezing her, apologizing for ever, _ever_ thinking that Emmeline’s tears and silence meant that she was fragile.

“I want to fight.” She whimpers desperately, fat tears dripping onto Lily’s shoulders. “I want to get out there and end this war.”

“We will.” Marlene says firmly, watching the two of them with a faint smile.

“I know I didn’t know him very well,” Lily says, pulling away just slightly to give Emmeline a watery smile. Her friend still choosing to fight, despite already having suffered a casualty threatens tears to emerge. “But, even if he’d have been a little worried about you, I think he would’ve been really proud of you for saying that.”

“Yeah? I think so too.” Emmeline says and then she smiles, truly and really smiles with her lips stretched into that too wide way. Desperately relieved, she and Marlene let out a laugh at the very same time. Emmeline squeezes her waist. “I think he would’ve liked you, Lily.”

“Yeah?”

Marlene giggles, their sudden laughter easing the weight off their backs. “Oh yeah. Al always had a thing for smooth talking girls.”

“I am not smooth talking!”

“You are a bit, Lily.” Emmeline says, shaking her head. “But I don’t reckon he would’ve liked to fight James over you.”

Lily sputters, shaking her head though she knows that can’t hide the flush in her cheeks. “There’s—there’s nothing to fight over! James isn’t—we’re not—!”

“Yeah alright.” Her friends say in unison and even embarrassed, a little piece of their normalcy fitting back in together. Lily hugs Emmeline once more, ducking her head into her neck.

“Marlene that better be you touching my foot.” Emmeline says suddenly, squeezing Lily’s arms, digging her fingernails in.

“I’m like a meter away from you!”

“Stop scaring her!” Lily exclaims, though both her and Marlene have a hard time taking Emmeline’s fear seriously. 

“Marlene!”

“It’s not me!” Marlene says, but it’s so strangled because she starts to cackle and that pulls out the giggles from Lily that they hardly hear it. Emmeline starts to whine, but before long, even she starts to laugh, clutching her friends’ arms tightly and though nothing is alright again, Lily knows it will be.

/

Emmeline had made wonderful strides after the day in the lake. Though the three of them suffered from horrible colds, it was worth it to see Emmeline start to smile again. She’d even spoken to Yasmin one day at breakfast, making the younger girl drop the pitcher of pumpkin juice in surprise. Though things definitely seemed to be looking up, when it was time for the winter holidays, Emmeline had followed Lily back to Cokeworth. And where Emmeline went, Marlene had to follow.

So Lily ended up at home with two extra guests. Her parents had seemed completely fine with it, always declaring ‘the more the merrier’ and happily baking extra mince pies. Even with all the Christmas cheer, Emmeline’s smile was drooping a little. And even with Lily and Marlene’s combined efforts, with a dash of her father’s bad jokes, they couldn’t get Emmeline’s smile to reach her eyes. After spending Christmas morning, contemplating over presents and cocoa, Lily’s thoughts had wandered to the things that made her smile.

Kittens. Watching Slughorn blush in her presence. Her mother and father’s silly Christmas carols. Making fun of Petunia. James. 

As her thoughts drifted to James, she marveled at the lack of present he’d sent. Though she wasn’t very materialistic, she was surprised he hadn’t taken the opportunity to mail her something ridiculous. And without his owl showing up, she had no way of sending him his present.

And then, the two added together to form a devious plan that was sure to give her mother a headache. Wanting Emmeline to smile and James to receive his present seemed to have only one solution. She’d spent most of the Christmas afternoon convincing her parents while instructing Marlene and Emmeline to write Sirius a letter.

When they finally get permission to go, Lily shakes with excitement, already missing James’ presence over the last few days. Following Sirius’ careful apparation instructions, the three of them had stumble onto his doorstep with their presents clutched tightly in their hands. 

Lily only has a moment to marvel at the sheer size of James’ house. Honestly it should be called a mansion. She exchanges a look with her friends and Marlene just shrugs, having come from a very wealthy family herself. Though they must’ve heard the loud crack, Lily still feels the urge to strike the very ornate knocker.

The door swings open before Lily’s hand has a chance to fall back to her side. She’s hardly able to take in the simply ridiculous sweater James is wearing before he lifts Lily up into the air, strong arms wrapping around her waist. “What’re you doing here?” He says into her hair.

Lily laughs, an unfamiliar nervousness spreading through her veins as pulls her arms around his neck. “I thought you’d be missing me.” It’s only been a short while, but it felt a little longer without James, like the days had twenty-five hours instead of twenty-four. 

“Was I missing you, or were you missing me?” He asks, setting her down gently, his trademark grin on his face. 

“Do they have to be exclusive?” She asks, raising her eyebrow. He opens his mouth to retort back, falling very easily back into their banter, but she barrels on. “Listen, it was a heat of the moment decision. We’re sorry for bar—”

“You don’t look very sorry.”

This draws a smile out of Lily. Well, almost anything James does manages to do that. Sometimes she feels self-conscious as to how much she must be smiling in his presence. “Well you look very happy to see me.”

And it’s true, from the way he’d picked her up to the way his eyes don’t leave hers, it’s very evident how pleased he is. “Always am.”

“Even if we show up unannounced?” Marlene says, poking her head out from behind Lily, for once being kind enough not to mention the way Lily happens to forget anyone else is around when James is.

“Best kind of surprise, McKinnon.” James says, looking over to her before pulling her into a tight hug as well. “My dad is going to love you.” He tells Lily, over Marlene’s shoulder. “Hey there, Em, bring it in!” 

Emmeline seems startled by James’ enthusiasm but lets him hug her until she too, is swept off her feet. 

“James! Who’s at the door?” Sirius’ voice rings out as James starts to usher them into his foyer. Lily stares at the at the long hallway, the majestic staircase behind it. There are doors and doors and more doors that lead to more rooms than Lily would know what to do with. She’s pretty sure she sees a house elf briefly. She gives James an incredulous look, knowing he’s rich is very different than seeing it.

He gives her a sheepish smile, hand stretching to ruffle at his hair. Lily smiles at the uncharacteristic bashfulness, before leaning back to shout, “Stop lying, Sirius!” 

“He _knew_?” James sputters as he guides them into the living room. Lily’s eyes land on the roaring fire, almost as big as the one at Hogwarts and the expensive furniture. Though everything has a distinct wealth about it, it’s all sort of cramped and haphazard. It makes it look homey instead of like a museum which Marlene’ house (decorated by her real mother) does.

“Well we weren’t going to show up totally unannounced.” Marlene says, tumbling into Sirius’ arms once he comes into view.

“Fancy seeing you lot so soon.” Remus smiles, pulling Lily into a short hug. She grins back at him, reaching over to hug Peter who responds enthusiastically.

“Couldn’t stay away from me, could you?” Sirius says, giving Emmeline a perfunctory hug. Though he isn’t very touchy with people other than his close set of friends, sympathy seems to bring out a softness in him. 

“How’d you know?” Lily rolls her eyes.

“I’m glad you’re here, I was just about to send a pretty awkward letter saying that I couldn’t mail your present.” James says, reaching up to ruffle his hair once more. All the boys get identical exasperated expressions, exchanging looks with one another. 

“Why?” James’ eyes dart nervously around and Lily claps a hand to her forehead. “James, tell me you didn’t get something ridiculous and expensive.”

Peter lets out a high-pitched snort. “Well…”

“You’re completely ridiculous!” She exclaims, though she’s smiling. James Potter and his stupid sweater with a dancing deer and his stupid grin is going to be the death of her. “That’s what you want to be doing with your father’s Sleekeazy money? Buying random women silly gifts?”

“I _hardly_ think you’re random—”

“This charming young woman must be Lily Evans.” A voice says behind them and Lily whirls around to see a smiling old man descending the staircase. Instantly she recognizes him as James’ father, though the fact is obvious enough. He has a calm head of hair, but he has James’ eyes and all the laughter lines she’s expecting him to develop.

“Oh—er—hello, Mr Potter. It’s very nice to meet you.” She says nervously, stretching out her hand.

He waves it away, pulling her into a hug. Surprised, but somehow not surprised, she returns it quickly. “You too dear.” He pulls away to scrunch his nose at her, freckles at the same place as James’. “And please, Mr Potter sounds far too stuffy. Call my Fleamont, though I’m not sure that’s much better.”

“Monty?” She offers, grinning at his smiling face. 

“My wife used to call me that.”

Lily fumbles immediately, looking at James to find him rolling his eyes. “Oh dear, I’m so sorry!”

“No, please, by all means.” His father smiles at her and Lily spots a bit of mischief in those twinkling eyes. “I’d be delighted to have another beautiful girl call me Monty again.”

James wrinkles his nose as Lily laughs delightedly. “Yuck, why aren’t you ever this nice to us?”

“Maybe if you had manners every now and then I would be.” Monty says, shaking his head at Lily.

“If you did maybe Lily would look as pleased as she does right now.” Remus mutters under his breath and Lily turns to Emmeline to hide her warming cheeks.

“Hey!”

/

Lily is carrying a batch of cookies from the kitchen (unbelievably large, she could probably fit three of her own kitchens inside it), trying not to trip over herself as Peter tells her what they’ve been up to so far. They make it half way into the main living area when Peter abruptly stops. Carefully balancing his tray of treacle tarts, he leans his head closer to one of the mahogany doors in the hallway. Inquisitively, Lily tilts that way too.

“Er—hang on a second, Emmeline!” They hear in that tell-tale James Potter voice. “I know we’re not the best of friends, but—erm—”

“Everything alright, James?”

Lily throws a disbelieving look at Peter as he starts to set down his tray onto one of the dressers in the hallway. “Are we really eavesdropping right now?”

He shushes her loudly, pressing a finger to his lips. “You honestly don’t want to hear?” He asks, blue eyes knowing. Lily makes a face, sticking her tongue out but presses her ear closer on the door, not wanting to miss a word.

“I just wanted to say,” James is continuing and Lily can hear the awkward pacing he’s doing around the room, footsteps haphazard. He’s definitely got his hand in his hair too. “I know what it’s like to not want to go home for Christmas. Not that you were feeling exactly like I was feeling or something!”

There’s a soft pause in which Lily is sure Emmeline smiles at James. It’s very hard not to when he’s being so awkwardly endearing. “I’m not angry, please, finish what you were going to say.”

“When my mum died, I didn’t come home that year.” James sighs. Peter and Lily’s eyes meet, matching somber expressions rising at the melancholy in James’ voice. “Christmas without her was… unfathomable. I had an alright time at Hogwarts, but I think it would’ve helped me to be at home. With my dad.”

There is another pause, a much more pregnant one. Lily’s heart thuds, wondering how Emmeline will take this completely unsubtle piece of advice. Her and Peter creep just slightly closer and hear a sniffle. “It’s just… hard. To know that the next time we celebrate Christmas, Al won’t be carrying me around the house or helping make the gingerbread house.”

“Yeah, and I guess it never really gets easier.” James responds without missing a beat. This is exactly what Lily had been thinking about; James had a gift of cheering people up. “But it does feel better, to be with family. With people who are going through the same thing you are.”

“I suppose you’re right.” Emmeline says slowly and they can hear another sniffle and a pattering of footsteps. Lily nudges Peter mouthing the words ‘bet he’s giving her a hug’ to which Peter fondly nods along with. “So stupid of me. I should’ve gone home. Mum and dad must be so hurt I didn’t come back.”

“Hey, it’s alright. It’s not too late still.” He soothes back, voice like hot chocolate on a dreary day. “You can use our fireplace and head there for New Years if you’d like. Or even after supper?”

“Oh, James, you’re a darling.” Emmeline’s voice is more muffled this time.

“You’re welcome, really.” There’s an awkward laugh there and Lily’s heart clenches, never realizing until just now how much it means to her that James cares so much about her friends. “And if you ever need someone to talk to… I know Marlene and Lily must be good with this stuff, but if you ever need someone else, I’m here.”

Emmeline’s watery laugh is unmistakable, a soft padding of footsteps creeping steadily towards them. “I might take you up on that.”

Peter grabs his tray with record speed, lunging backwards into the center hallway and shouting, “Hey, Prongs! We’re opening presents now!”

The door swings open just as Lily takes a few steps back as well, but doesn’t quite manage to get rid of her smile. Though they’re far enough away to be innocuous, James rolls his eyes. “How long have you two been standing here?”

Lily nudges Peter, both of them sauntering off down the hallway as she calls out, “I dunno _what_ you’re talking about.”

“Very convincing, Lily.” Emmeline says sarcastically, following Peter and Lily’s path with James at her side. 

Grinning happily, Lily practically skips into the living room. The Potter household is nothing short of magnificent during Christmas time. The tree they have perched next to the fire is decorated with large glittering ornaments, though every now and then she spots a childish one. She suspects those are the handmade ones that James had made when he was little. A large, twinkling star rests at the top and she wonders whether wizards have the tradition of having the youngest member of the household doing that job. 

Marlene and Remus are sitting on the floor, their backs leaning against the sofa, wrestling with a Christmas cracker. Lily enters just in time to see it pulled wildly, a cloud of glittering blue smoke descending on the two of them and Sirius who lays on the sofa. Once the fog clears, Remus holds a sparkling purple wizard’s hat, adorned with cartoon gold stars. It honestly looks like something Dumbledore would wear. Marlene cackles with delight, thrusting it on top of Remus’ head excitedly. 

“Took you look enough,” Sirius says, eyes finally landing on the rest of them, “Thought I was going to have to watch these two open crackers all day.”

“So ungrateful,” Lily sniffs, placing the tray of cookies on the ornate table in front of Sirius. “D’you want one, Mr—Monty, I mean?”

Fleamont looks up from the armchair he’s resting in, nose buried in a book of Muggle Christmas stories. “Yes please, I adore gingerbread.” Lily hands him one which he accepts gratefully, sighing as he eats. “Shouldn’t you kids be exchanging presents by now? Wait any longer and it won’t be Christmas anymore.”

This gets everyone in a flurry of movement. Lily digs for her bag that James had placed carefully next to the sofa and brings out three carefully wrapped presents. She exchanges first with Remus who is closest to her, unwrapping a worn, but still beautiful chess set. “Oh Remus!” She says excitedly, bumping their arms together as he unwraps a sweater she’d bought for him, “This is brilliant!”

He smiles sheepishly at her, popping one of the Chocolate Frogs she’d given into his mouth. She twists next to Peter, who she didn’t know quite as well as the rest of the boys, but was still steadily fond of. His present is wrapped in cheesy wrapping paper, patterned with dancing Santa Clauses. He opens it carefully, smiling at the knitted blanket inside. “You’re the only one who loves blankets as much as I do,” He says, thanking her with pink tinted cheeks, handing her a hastily wrapped ornate mirror. 

Lily swallows, suddenly a little nervous as she holds the last present in her hands. The envelope is a glimmering scarlet on which she’d drawn careful little Snitches to make it look prettier. “Here,” she says hoarsely, shifting on the carpet towards James and thrusting the envelope into his hands. 

The whole room has gone a little silent, even Marlene who’d been loudly squealing about the _Amortentians_ t-shirt Sirius had given her. It seems like all eyes are on her, but she only cares about the hazel ones crinkling at her. James’ fingers closer around the envelope, smiling at her crude attempts at drawing before flicking his thumb under the opening. “It’s not much,” Lily says hastily once James finally pulls the contents out. “But considering how much time you spent talking to my dad about football, I thought you might’ve finally liked to see a game?”

The end of her sentence is high-pitched and questioning though she’s not asking James a single thing. He stares at the four tickets in his hands with a reverence that makes her want to duck her head. Eyes flicking around the room, they land on the armchair. Though Fleamont is sitting in the ornate armchair, his nose still buried in his book, she has a sneaking feeling he’s listening quite intently.

“This is brilliant, Lily! I’m so excited!” James exclaims, proceeding to shove the tickets in Remus’ face. He waves them around excitedly, lunging back over to Lily to give her a hug that lands his head into her lap more than embracing her. She smiles down at him, very pleased if the fluttering in her stomach is anything to go by. Then, James’ eyebrows furrow and her stomach drops worryingly as he whispers, “What if I like it more than Quidditch?”

Lily laughs out loud, flicking him on the forehead making him yelp. “That’ll be the day.” Fleamont snorts before giving his son a very piercing stare. “Why don’t you go fetch Lily’s present?” James nods, jumping to his feet with bounding energy and running up the stairs. “He spent an awful lot of time looking for the perfect thing.”

“Oh um… that’s very _James_ of him.” Lily says, suddenly very aware of the fact that she’s come to surprise James for Christmas and given him a rather expensive present. If Fleamont has any comments to make about it, he chooses not to, but still fixes Lily with a look that has her ducking into Emmeline’s shoulder. 

Just as she sees Marlene’s mouth opening to form a joke or another, they hear James’ rapid footsteps descending down the steps. The sight of James Potter is usually enough to make Lily’s heart jack-rabbit, but in his Christmas sweater and dopey smile, it’s already in overdrive. Completely overwhelmed with emotion, Lily feels tears prick at her eyes when she spots the meowing, orange kitten held in his arms. 

“Oh my God.” Marlene enunciates, red lips falling at the sight. 

“ _Lily._ ” Emmeline whispers aghast as she pushes Lily to stand.

“James Potter, I hate you so much right now.” Lily says, making her way towards him as the tears escape her eyes. Grinning at her with absolutely no remorse, James delicately places the tiny kitten into her arms. It meows faintly at the movement, pressing its wet nose to her fingers. It has fading orange fur with beautiful golden eyes that stare unblinkingly at Lily. 

“Funny way of saying thank you.” Sirius calls from the sofa, making Lily’s tears come out a lot more noisily. She starts to sniffle loudly, rocking the kitten back and forth in her arms as it starts to move. She’d missed Mittens more than she’d thought, cradling this kitten in a soft embrace.

“I’m sorry! Don’t cry!” James exclaims, immediately panicked at the sight of her tears. His hand jumps to his hair, she notices through her blurry vision. “I just… you seemed like you missed your cat a lot, and this one sort of reminded me of you.”

All of their friends start to crowd around them, staring down at the little kitten with carrying degrees of awe. Remus tilts his head back and forth at it. “He’s kind of—”

“Ugly?” Peter finishes, making Lily shoot daggers at him.

Fleamont whistles from where he’s sitting, descending into low peals of laughter. “Smooth, son.”

James’ eyes widen in even further panic, lifting his hands defensively. “No! He’s just—!” 

“Charming.” Lily finishes at the same time as James. 

“Yeah.” He says quietly relieved, stretching out a hand to brush Lily’s tears with the most careful of touches. “Exactly.”

Lily stares at James, torn between looking at him and the kitten, but when James smiles she has the biggest urge to kiss him. They’ve been dancing around their feelings for a few months now, the darker parts of her mind telling her that he might’ve fancied her in fifth year, but many moons have passed. But now, watching him look at her as though she is the only thing in the room, hell the only thing in the world, how could she ever had doubted him? “This is the best present I’ve ever received, James. Thank you so much. I love him.”

James winks at her, whipping out a basket with a badly tied pink ribbon across the top. Gently, she places the kitten into it, grateful for the tiny pillows inside that it can use as padding. She takes the basket gingerly, giving the kitten an adoring look before turning to look at James the very same way. She steps forward and in sync he moves, pulling them close together. 

“This is the best present anyone here has received, if I’m being honest.” Peter says behind them as Lily pulls away. James doesn’t let her go completely, utterly uncaring of their friends watching them, his father pretending he isn’t. His arm is still wrapped around her waist, letting her remain tucked into his side.

“Don’t be too sure.” Marlene says, allowing Lily to avoid sputtering something in her embarrassed pleasure. “Isn’t there something you wanted to give Sirius, Lily?”

“Oh yeah!” Lily exclaims, clapping a hand to her forehead. She tugs the corner of James’ sweater, pulling him down until her lips brush his ear, whispering her question.

“Out back, why?” He asks, dark eyebrows pulled together in confusion.

“Let’s go. You’ll see what she’s got planned.” Emmeline explains. They all agree silently, gathering themselves up to make their way down the hall. 

“Er… Monty?” Lily calls, untangling herself from James to speak to his father. “Would you like to see as well?”

He closes his book happily, rising to his feet with more energy than she would’ve expected for someone his age. “Love to, dear.”

Peter leads them to a different door than the one they had entered. James lingers slightly in front of them, pretending like he isn’t listening to Lily. Like father like son. “And I was wondering if I could ask you a question?”

“Yes, Lily?”

Lily watches the broad stretch of James’ shoulders, wonders if it is possible to ever get enough of him. “Could I perhaps borrow the boys for New Years?”

Fleamont gives her a very knowing gaze, hazel eyes glinting with mischief. “I think he—I mean _they_ of course, would love that.”

Lily’s cheeks color, but she nods happily, her walk turning into half a skip in her delight. She steps through the door they’ve left open, descending out into a large open area. It’s still snowing lightly, the ground covered in a white fluff, large trees bordering the property. There’s a swingset in the corner that Lily would expect to be worn, but looks as though it was used very recently. “Thank you. I’ll have them back to you in one piece.”

Fleamont snorts, “I hope they leave your house in one piece.”

“We were very well behaved last time, I’ll have you know.” James calls over his shoulder. Fleamont and Lily exchange looks and she shakes her head at his father, making a face to which he laughs. “Stop conspiring against me. I hate this duo.”

“What’re we doing out here?” Peter whines, rubbing his arms together though he could very easily whip up a warming charm.

“Evans just wanted a tour to see how big this house really is.” Sirius says, rolling his eyes, hands tucked deep into the pockets of his leather jacket. Doesn’t he ever take that thing off?

“It’s called a _manor_ , Lily. Wasn’t that descriptive enough?” Remus teases, shooting her a look to which she laughs. 

“Thanks, now I know.” She walks towards Sirius, boots sinking into the snow softly. “But, honestly, Sirius, didn’t you notice I didn’t give you anything?”

“I did.” He isn’t being dramatic, she notes. If she’s right, she’s pretty sure he wasn’t expecting a gift at all.

“I’m a little offended you think so little of me.” She says, stretching out to punch his arm the way she’s seen the boys do so many times. “It’s alright, I’m about to give you the best present in the world.”

“I feel like James already did that.” Sirius says, slow grin creeping back up into his face as he points at the motorcycle that rests under one of the large trees.

“Don’t speak too soon!” She calls, skipping over to the bike and tugging her wand out of her boot. She closes her eyes, remembering all the proper incantations, enunciating them carefully as she raises her wand and other hand over the motorcycle. Aviation. Counteracting the Muggle technology. Being careful not to let it rebel. Installing a button for flight. Once she’s finished, she opens her eyes, turning back to look at Sirius. “Do I have to tell you what I just did, or can you guess?”

James is grinning behind him, giving her a big thumbs up that Peter and Remus mimic. Sirius has lunged over to her, suddenly standing very close to her and the motorcycle. “Evans, I’m going to fucking marry you if this works.”

“Oi!” James shouts making his father smack the back of his head.

“ _If?_ ” Lily snaps jokingly, putting her hands on her hips to narrow her eyes at Sirius. “I did a lot of research for this and I’m 100% sure I got the spells right.”

“I’m rather impressed.” Fleamont says, the lot of them making their way over to the motorbike. Peter looks at it with renewed resentment, but Fleamont’s eyes are sparkling. “Nice to hear that someone pays attention at school.”

Lily laughs, “One of us has got to.” 

James claps Sirius on the shoulder loudly, “Well come on, mate. Are you going to give it a go or am I going to do it for you?”

“You stay away from this thing.” Sirius declares, pushing James’ hand off him. Excitedly, he swings his leg over the leather seat, pushing snow off as he does. He stretches his pale fingers onto the handlebars, revving the engine slowly. He lifts his hand to press the new button, but it stalls in the air. “Hey, Evans.” He says, wolfish grin on his elegant features. “Fancy jetting off into the sunset?”

Lily beams at him, heart filled with yellow fondness. “I thought you’d never ask.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh yeah, I'm of the firm opinion that Lily is the one that charmed Sirius' bike to fly. And I love the theory that Crookshanks is actually the Potters' old cat that was mentioned in Lily's letter. So picture this little kitty as baby Crookshanks! I'd love it if you left a comment!
> 
> Up Next: New Years and an appearance of a certain sister


	24. beneath your beautiful

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had so much fun writing this chapter, I hope you have a lot of fun reading it!

“How’ve you been?” James asks, hands tucked deep in the pockets of his coat. “Not crying too much I hope? You and Lily both cry so much, women honestly.” He looks carefully in front of him, snow gently cascading down to land on the gravestone in front of him. 

_Here Lies Euphemia Singh Potter_

_A Shining Light_

“Bad joke, I know. But hey, at least you can’t smack the back of my head from the beyond.” He laughs, but stretches his hand to rub the spot anyways. 

James sighs, looks over his shoulder back at the house a little ways into the distance. It stands firmly when he didn’t think it would stand at all once his mother no longer lived in it. Even from this far away he can see Sirius and his father playing their morning game of chess on the porch. He wonders if Sirius will finally manage to win a match one of these days. He’d walked past their game earlier in the day, opting not to be the usual spectator. Seeing the anguish in Emmeline’s face at Christmas had awoken a guilt in him that he still hasn’t addressed. 

James wrestles his wand out of his back pocket, waving a clean circle at the base of the grave. Sunflowers bloom from the tip, encircling in a bright wreath that seems out of place at the end of December. “These are Lily’s favorite flowers. _I know_ , I wanted them to be lilies too, but I reckon she’d hate that cliche.” A smile creeps into his voice, the way it usually does when he thinks about Lily. “Sorry, I can’t help talking about her. I wish you two would’ve gotten a chance to meet. You would’ve loved her.”

It’s true. In another life, Lily would have visited at Christmas and both his parents would’ve been there to give her a very Potter hug. His mum would’ve liked the fact that Lily helped their house elf, Annie, clean up all the dishes they’d used. His smile grows a little wider, remembering the Muggle way she’d done it instead of whipping out her wand. James had liked the way she pulled up her sleeves and gotten soap suds on her pale cheeks. 

“I lose track of things when Lily’s brought up,” James admits with a laugh. “The real reason I came out here,” He gestures to the little meadow, moving his arms though no one is there to see him, “is because I didn’t say goodbye back then.”

The days leading up to his mother’s funeral are ones he hardly remembers. Maybe it was all the firewhiskey he drank. Maybe it was the lack of sleep, putting him in a state akin to delirium. Maybe it was all the jinxes he’d cast on unsuspecting teenagers around the area he wanted to forget. They’d gotten a lot of letters warning him about underage wizardry that summer.

“I don’t really know how this whole death thing works.” He says finally, bending his knees until he’s crouched in front of the gravestone. He pictures his mother’s brown eyes staring back at him instead of the carefully carved words. “But, I like to think you can still watch over me from somewhere. Lily, sorry to be mentioning her again, but she’s got this theory. Or, well…” James lets out a dry laugh, blinking a little to shake the sadness out of his eyes, “Well, she made it up as a child. She thought that whenever someone died, they turned into a star.”

When Lily had told him that story in their early days under the willow tree, James had given a hesitant laugh. But months and months later, he still hasn’t forgotten this silly theory of hers. He doesn’t know if she was trying to comfort him, tell him that his mother was still out there somewhere, but she’d managed to shake something loose in him.

“I like to think you’re the brightest star in the sky,” James snorts suddenly remembering, “I know that star is technically Sirius, but don’t tell him I said that.” His smile drops a little bit, thinking about his best friend. “He really misses you, by the way. There were these absolute wankers—er, sorry— _tossers_ ,” He corrects hastily, “at your funeral who kept saying how disrespectful it was for Sirius to be up there with me and dad, doing all the funeral stuff. You would’ve hated them.”

There are people who find it strange that James was so willing to share his parents with Sirius. People who thought it odd that Sirius woke up early in the morning to have chats with his father over chess and took evening walks with his mother. But James has never thought so. He has a lot of vices, but selfishness was never one of them. Everything that’s his, belongs to Sirius too. And he knows that there’s an absent part of Sirius that refuses to voice just how much he misses his mother, refuses to because of some misplaced sense of nobility, not wanting to tread on James’ toes. But James knows.

“I hope you saw them and put some horrible curse on them, if you’re allowed to do that up there,” James says, stretching forward to press a hand to the top of the gravestone. “I bet you’re mainly watching me, dad and Sirius though. You wouldn’t waste time watching people you didn’t love. You wouldn’t waste time with negativity like that.”

James gives a shaky sigh, breath misting in front of him. He squeezes his eyes shut tightly, wishing that the stone under his palm would turn to skin. But it stays solid and when he opens his eyes it’s still there. “I’m sorry,” he says again, “I know that now that you’re up there you have this all-knowing view of me that you never had before. I bet you saw some horrible things. Like that time I jinxed that fourth year to stay afloat for the entire morning. Or when I punched Snape in the face on the train.”

James rubs his eyes, fingers hitting the inside of his glasses carelessly. He sniffles loudly, but doesn’t let any tears escape him. Tears usually make people feel sorry for you and he isn’t here for any sympathy. “Mum. You’ve been watching me get angry and sad and act foolishly and I’m sure you’ve been crying about all of it. I know I can’t wipe your tears, but I _can_ try to be better. I haven’t been the best I could be, I could be so much better. And I want to live that life of light that you would want me to.” James sucks his breath in, letting it come out in one shuddering sigh until he looks down at the name, Euphemia Singh Potter one more time. “I love you and miss you. And I figure, this is the best way to go about dealing with it.” James gives a smile, his mother’s favorite ‘dragon stopping’ smile she’d called it, and leans forward to press his lips to the very top of the gravestone.

/

James has never apparated to a Muggle neighborhood before. The Portkey they’d taken last time had been strategically set up to land them in Lily’s backyard. But this time, James and Sirius are going to be meeting Peter and Remus straight in Cokeworth, so they can apparate without Peter’s noisy complaints. Still, there’s an element of nerves for him. He feels like he’s going to overestimate Lily’s doorstep and land himself in the middle of their kitchen. Or worse in their shower.

“Alright, mate?” Sirius asks, clapping him on the shoulder as they stand, ready to apparate. Evening has started to set in, the sky taking on a darker shade of blue signaling their departure time. He’d bet ten Galleons Remus and Peter, the nervous nellies they are, are already at the Evans household. “Are those for Evans?”

James looks down at the bouquet of roses in his hands, the pink petals still beaded with water. Sirius looks moments away from bursting into laughter so James turns his head away, hiding the flush of his cheeks. “Shut up about it.”

Ignoring Sirius’ widening grin, James turns reflexively on the spot picturing the Evans house clearly in his head. The two of them are so in sync that they land up on the doorstep at exactly the same time. James heaves out a relieved sigh at the sight of the red door. Sirius raps his knuckles on the door before James can stop him.

The door swings open and a red haired woman opens the door. James opens his mouth, but suddenly his hands are very sweaty against the wrappings of the bouquet. “You must be James and Sirius.”

“That’s us,” Sirius says, smiling his most polite smile. It kind of freaks James out when he does that. 

“Sorry I didn’t get a chance to meet you last time. I’m Lily’s mum.” Mrs Evans smiles, ushering them in, stretching out a motherly hand to brush the snow off their shoulders. “I was dreadfully tired.”

“Wedding shopping can be that way,” James croaks finally, making Sirius cover his laughter into a cough as they step into the tiny foyer.

“Tell me about it,” Mrs Evans replies, eyes falling to the bouquet in his hands. “Are those for Lily?”

“No,” He shakes his head. Sirius raises an eyebrow and Mrs Evans seems to just refrain from doing so. He stretches his arms out, handing the bouquet to her. Sirius wasn’t wrong, they _are_ for Evans, just not the one he was thinking of. “They’re for you; roses for a Rose.”

Mrs Evans delighted laughter masks Sirius’ guffaws. She takes the flowers gingerly into her hands as he elbows Sirius in the chest. “Oh thank you so much, darling, these are beautiful.” There’s a padding of footsteps behind her and James tilts his head to see Mr Evans come into view. “Fetch a vase, won’t you, David?”

Mr Evans gives a wave to Sirius before shaking his head at James, lips pursed together. “I suppose so.” He turns to James, a steely look in his grey eyes, “Not trying to steal my wife, are you, son?”

James catches the twitch of his lip. He can do this, there’s no need to be nervous. He’s good at banter. “I would never.”

“Good.” Mr Evans says, putting an arm around his blushing wife’s shoulder as he guides them down the hallway. He tilts his head slightly, lowering his voice to say, “I’ve got two, beautiful daughters you can try your hand at though.”

“Thanks, sir,” James manages, remembering what had _almost_ happened in this very house the last time he was here. “Though I’m pretty sure one of them is engaged.”

“Hmm, there is that. And it’s _David_.” Mr Evans—or well, David, corrects. “After all that time we spent talking about football, you haven’t forgotten my name, have you?” He tuts, shaking his head as they enter the living room. A small crowd of people are squished inside, older couples that must be friends of Mr and Mrs Evans sit at the dining table, laughing heartily. They’ve still got their Christmas decorations up, a tiny tree squished into the corner of their floral sofa.

This family and flowers, James thinks to himself, meeting Sirius’ eye. They both refrain from smiling, looking immediately away from one another. “No, of course not, I just want to give you some respect,” James says, nervousness fading as the couple smiles warmly at him.

“Oh, I like you.” David says, wagging his finger at James playfully. He turns his head, calling towards the other end of the room. James spots Lily, though she’s the smallest one in the room. “Lily, dear!” 

Dark hair flips across the room. It’s gotten so long recently, he notes, watching the way it curls down to the middle of her back. Lily is smiling brightly as she makes her way over to them. His heart jack-rabbits in his chest. She’s wearing a glittering, golden dress, long sleeved and falling above her knees. It’s distractingly low cut and extremely bad for his health. “Hey there.” He manages, Sirius swooping in for a hug before James can.

“Hi.” Lily laughs over Sirius’ shoulder, green eyes moving towards her parents. “I see you gave mum flowers.”

“I did.” James says, accepting Lily’s hug happily. He lifts her off the ground, the way he knows she likes but will never admit. He spies Remus and Peter drinking glasses of what looks like champagne with Marlene in the corner. Sirius does too because he immediately makes a beeline for them. He shifts his gaze as he drops Lily back down, spotting a darker haired girl scowling over at his friends, surrounded by two equally displeased looking girls. “Should I have gotten petunias for Petunia?”

Lily giggles, grabbing James’ hand and pulling him towards the living room. She stumbles slightly as she moves and James spots coloring in her cheeks that doesn’t usually appear unless she’s a little embarrassed. “She would’ve chucked them in the bin.” 

James grips her hand, letting her pull him over to one of the floral sofas. She pulls so hard that they both land on it rather inelegantly, but Lily continues to giggle in a way that makes James forget how they must look. His arm rests on the sofa behind Lily, twisting his head to catch sight of her sister once more. “She looks rather put out.” 

Lily shrugs, leaning in close enough that their thighs touch, allowing him to smell her flowery perfume. He won’t be very surprised if it turns up the next time he takes a whiff of Amortentia. “I think she’s just upset that Vernon didn’t think to get mum flowers. Not my fault he’s an idiot and you’re not.”

James grins at her as she looks up dazedly at him. “Lily,” He says, amused. She hums in response. “It’s nine and you’re already drunk, aren’t you?”

Lily’s smile doesn’t waver, letting out another giggle. “Marlene and I have been taking a drink every time Tuney mentions Vernon.”

“Bloody hell,” James wrinkles his nose, though he’s sure if they played this game in relation to him and Lily, they’d be drunker than a pair of Irishmen. Lily nods, head falling onto James’ shoulder as she moves. She must’ve drank a lot considering her tolerance is usually very high. 

Lily’s smile softens, eyes looking like sparkling emeralds. “You look nice today.” Her hand stretches out to flick the collar of his shirt, the black fabric stark against her pale skin. He follows the movement, but she doesn’t move her hand. His heart thuds in his chest, eyes moving to her lips. There’s something in the air tonight that makes James feel nervous. Without their Hogwarts robes on, this almost feels like they’re on a date, dressed up in their fineries.

“Thank you,” He replies, hyper aware of the way her fingers shift to the skin of his neck. “You look beautiful as always.” He lifts a strand of her hair, letting red threads fall through his fingers as he pulls them away. 

Lily laughs, pulling her hand away and stumbling to her feet once more. “You’re such a flatterer.” James swallows the lump in his throat, very aware of Lily’s unwavering gaze. “You think you can charm Petunia too?”

James grimaces, eyes flicking back over to Lily’s sister. She has a very long neck and though she has her father’s grey eyes, James doesn’t find the same warmth in them. “I’m willing to try.”

Pulling himself to his feet, he lets Lily grab his wrist tugging him towards her sister. On their way, they pass Marlene and Peter who give James big thumbs ups. He searches around the rest of the room quickly, but doesn’t find Emmeline. She must’ve taken his advice and stayed at home for the rest of break. Feeling a little better about himself, he stands in front of Petunia with his best smile.

“Hey, Tuney.” Lily says, squeezing James’ bicep briefly before letting go. James looks over at Petunia’s other friends; the blonde is looking hopefully over at Sirius with a gaze so longing that James is very surprised Sirius hasn’t noticed. The brunette smiles hesitantly at James, flicking her gaze towards Petunia nervously.

“What do you want?” Petunia says, gripping her glass of champagne too tight to be relaxed. Her eyebrows pull together looking at Lily as though she expects to be set ablaze.

“Just thought I’d introduce you to James.” Lily smiles back, Petunia’s words sliding off her like water.

“Hi, Petunia.” James greets. He may not have the best opinion of Lily’s sister, but if Lily’s being civil, he can be too. He sticks his hand out. “It’s very nice to meet you.”

Petunia looks warily at his hand, but stretches her own out slowly. “Nice to meet you as well.” Her eyes flick to her friends, clearly aware of the way they observe her behavior. She clears her throat, voice a little more pleasant. “You two met at… _school_?”

James misses the warning in her tone. “Er—yeah, we met at Hog—”

“I don’t need to hear anymore about that place.” Petunia snaps, momentary calm bursting away.

“Right.” James says nervously, looking over at Lily to find her folding her arms together, rolling her eyes. A more petulant expression on her face than he’s ever seen before. “What is that you do? You’ve graduated, right?”

Petunia takes a deep breath, lifting a smile on her face as fake as the pearls around her neck. “I don’t work. My fiancé—”

“The moustache bloke?” James can’t help but interrupt.

Instantly he knows it’s the wrong thing to say. Petunia’s eyes go icy. “ _Vernon_. He’s got a job for a drilling company.”

Petunia’s two friends, who she hadn’t bothered to introduce, look over at her with matching looks of envy. James looks over at Lily again for help, but she rolls her eyes, clearly having heard this a hundred times. “What’s drilling?”

“They manufacture drills.” Petunia says slowly. Giving up on explaining things to James, she sniffs haughtily, clearly for her friends’ benefit rather than James’, she continues. “He’s gotten enough money to buy a _car_.”

“I’ve always wanted to drive one of those things.” James throws in, making the blonde girl let out a shrill giggle. Emboldened by the laughter, he speaks to Petunia, hoping she has, at the very least, inherited her family’s sense of humor. “Flying is always preferable though, y’know?”

Petunia’s nostrils flare, immediately thrusting her champagne glass in her brunette friend’s hand. She wrinkles her face, more frown lines appear on her face than any laughter lines, looking at James as though he’s said something horrible. “ _Lily_ , can I talk to you in the kitchen?”

“Sure,” Lily says cheerfully. Bewildered, but relieved to be let out of this conversation, James steps backwards to let the sisters go past him. But Lily’s hand grips his bicep once more, pulling him along. “Let’s go, James.”

“I meant alone.” Petunia snaps, heels clacking as the three of them rush into the kitchen. James throws a helpless look at his friends, but they’re too busy laughing at him to offer even a thumbs up. “Mum!”

Mrs Evans looks up from where she is pulling a tray of roast potatoes out of the oven. Her expression is pinched, but she does a much better job of hiding her displeasure than either of her daughters. “What is it, Petunia?”

Petunia folds her arms together, her pink dress crumpling under her touch. The collar is so high it seems to choke the words out of her. “I told you I didn’t want to be here for New Years. Lily’s always spoiling everything.”

David walks in, having abandoned his conversation with the other men his age. He grips his glass of whiskey loosely in his hands, pinching Lily playfully as he enters the kitchen. “What’s she done now?”

Petunia throws a withering look at Lily and James, actually stomping her foot as she does. James bites down hard on his tongue to keep from laughing, but Lily’s smile does nothing to help him. “They were talking about that—that freaky place in front of my friends!”

“No one said anything about magic.” Lily defends petulantly, her hands on her hips. “They probably thought we were being silly. Honestly, Petunia, it wasn’t that bad.” She laughs then, actually laughs, clearly finding Petunia’s complaints amusing.

If anything, this only makes Petunia more red in the face. James watches this exchange awkwardly, wanting to shrink into the corner more than he has in his entire life. David looks at James with a wry smile, clearly knowing what’s going through his head. He gives him a look that clearly says _welcome to my life_. “I should’ve gone to Vernon’s!”

David sighs, stepping closer to Petunia to brush a tight curl away from her burning cheeks. “Honey, you already spent Christmas with him. Don’t you want to spend some time with the family?”

Petunia steps back, looking over at Lily as though she’s set fire to the house. “Not if she’s going to spoil everything like always.”

“I’m sure it was a bit of harmless fun. The whole evening isn’t ruined, dear.” Mrs Evans placates, exchanging a wide eyed look with her husband. There’s a twitching to their lips, a synchronicity with how they deal with their children that James finds romantic.

“It’s going to be with all her freaky friends here.” Petunia groans, sounding very much as though she’s said this sentence a million times before. Somehow, James thinks it’s very likely she has. Petunia turns to Lily once more, putting one hand on her hip, the other pointing a bony finger right at James. “And your boyfriend is completely idiotic!”

James’ cheeks warm, immediately recognizing Sirius’ laughter in the background. “Oh—actually I’m not—”

“What’s wrong with James?” Lily barrels over him, temper flaring along with her hair. She steps closer to Petunia, red locks blowing as she moves. Her hand twitches towards her hip and he can tell she’s itching for her wand. “He’s wonderful!”

James stares at Lily open-mouthed, her sentence crashing into his head with the force of the Hogwarts Express. Though Lily has been friendlier and friendlier with him these last couple of weeks, he hasn’t been quite so hopeful to really believe that she thinks he’s wonderful enough to not correct an assumption that he’s her boyfriend. He wonders if she’d think he was still so wonderful if she knew he and Snape had been hexing one another when he was late on his way to their last Heads’ meeting of the term. Somehow, he doubts it.

Mrs Evans blushes on behalf of James whose thoughts are still in disarray. “I’m sure Petunia doesn’t mean that. Sorry, dear.”

James startles, squashing his thoughts down to give Mrs Evans a smile. “It’s no worries. And in her defense, I was a bit idiotic.” He explains sheepishly, looking at Petunia apologetically as he can, making David stifle a snort in his glass of whiskey. James turns to Lily who looks about three seconds away from casting a _levicorpus_ on her sister. “Why don’t we go see where our friends have gone, hm, Lily?”

He doesn’t give her a chance to reply, gripping Lily’s hand and pulling her from the kitchen. Whether it’s the alcohol or the petulance, she doesn’t argue, lets him take her away, as he smiles cheerfully at her family. “Why’re you dragging me out of the kitchen right now?”

James laughs at the whiny tone of her voice, surprised to hear such a childish thing to come out of Lily’s mouth. And here he was thinking she was the mature one. He guides her towards their friends who look varying degrees of amused. Clearly, the kitchen isn’t far enough away from where they were standing, but one glance over at Petunia’s friends shows that they’re still preoccupied with giggling about Sirius to have heard. 

“Because you’re totally going to regret fighting with your sister on New Year’s about me tomorrow morning.” James chastises, but he has a hard time keeping the glee from his voice. He’s very tempted to start teasing her right then and there, but refrains.

“She was being nasty.” Lily says, crossing her arms together and pouting.

“So you wanted to play superhero?” Remus laughs, clearly having talked about this with the rest of their friends.

“Me?” Lily says, affronted, placing an offended hand on her chest. “Have you seen James without his glasses? He’s such a Clark Kent!”

Remus laughs, but it’s only him and Lily who do, clearly some Muggle reference flying over their heads. “Who the fuck is Clark Kent?” Marlene says, voicing James’ confusion. 

Lily doesn’t answer him, just grips James’ hand once more, “C’mon, Superman,” She says, voice still riddled with giggles. She looks up at James, green eyes a little dazed, but still so very beautiful. She could ask him to jump off the roof of her house right now and he would in a heartbeat. “Let me get a drink in that hand.”

/

James doesn’t think he’s ever been quite so drunk or quite so in love with Lily Evans before. It used to be a question; when he used to snort out his dinner’s pumpkin juice at something she’d said or when she cried at the Daily Prophet’s headlines. It used to be something he had to think about. But now, it’s just become a fact of life. James is six feet tall, the captain of the Gryffindor Quidditch team, Head Boy, a son, a friend and stupidly in love with Lily Evans. 

The two of them are sprawled out on her queen sized mattress, their friends drunkenly playing a game of something called poker on the floor. Every now and then Marlene will cackle victoriously or Peter will let out whines, but even then he can hardly hear them. It’s like he and Lily are in their own sound-proof bubble, passing a bottle of wine back and forth between them. 

Her shoulder is pressed up against his as she laughs, asking him the latest question in their silly game. “What would you want to be if this war wasn’t going on?”

“Quidditch player,” He replies instantaneously. Lily rolls her eyes, poking his shin with the tip of her bare foot. He shoves her back but he’s entangled in her purple comforter, only able to jostle the both of them slightly. “I suppose… I’ve always thought about being a Healer.”

“Yeah?” She asks, cradling the wine between her hands, taking a careful sip, eyes never leaving his. When she pulls the bottle away from her mouth, there is a thin layer of sheen on her lips and her chin. She lifts the back of her hand to wipe it away and in his drunken haze, he forgets to pretend you’re not supposed to look at friends as intently as he is.

“I’ve always been pretty good at healing spells,” He admits, tearing his gaze away. He pulls his mind to all the mornings after the full moon when they couldn’t all go to the hospital wing. He’d read so many textbooks, practiced so many spells before he could fix bruises and fractured bones. Remus had kept teasing him that it was his mother-hen nature coming to a head, that soon he’d be replacing Madame Pomfrey.

“And you’re a worry wart,” Lily giggles, passing him the bottle back, their fingertips brushing. 

“Have you see who I hang around, of course I would be!” He replies, shaking his head, the room spinning just a slight with that rapid movement. He squints his eyes shut, trying to remember what he’d been trying to say. “Oh… what would you be?”

“If the war wasn’t happening?” She asks, shifting so she’s leaning on her elbows. She tilts her head back and forth, thinking her answer through. James can hear faint noises of the party guests from below and Sirius declaring loudly that he has a full house. In his excitement, he shakes the bed, jostling James forward. “A writer.” Lily says finally.

Surprised, James smiles at her, “I didn’t know you liked to write.”

“I used to do it a lot as a kid; had a bit of a wild imagination,” She admits, laughing lightly, clearly nostalgic as her gaze falls around her room. “Severus—” She stops for a moment, even in her drunken haze remembering the thread of tension there always is attached to Snape. But James shrugs, not wanting Lily’s smile to drop. “He used to say I had a way with words. Kept telling me to submit stuff to the Daily Prophet.”

“Well you are very opinionated,” He tells her, remembering all the rants and inspirational speeches she’s given with a fond smile. It only irks him a little bit that Snape’s gotten to know Lily so intimately well, to share their dreams like that. 

Lily seems to sense the tension, always very in sync with his moods. She pulls his hand towards her, shifting his sleeve to read the time upside down. It’s 11:57, almost the new year. “If you were to give veritaserum to…” She taps her finger on her chin, her nailpolish chipping slightly, “McGonagall, what would you ask her?”

James takes a swig of the wine, the taste pleasant now that he’s already drunk, pondering the question. At Peter’s loud declaration that Remus has been cheating the whole time, he lets out a snort. “Probably which one of us idiots she likes the most.”

Lily laughs, eyes falling fondly over to their friends sprawled out onto the floor. Marlene is almost falling asleep on Sirius’ shoulder, earlier enthusiasm having steadily dripped out of her as the night progressed. “Sirius obviously,” She tells him, voice full of teasing, “But I think you’d make a close second, Potter.”

James smiles back, the use of ‘Potter’ should feel distant, but it feels like a nickname. It reminds him of where they’ve come from. Arguing the very first time they’d met and shouting at each other on the courtyard. She’s come a long way from thinking he’s an arrogant toerag. 

He swallows thickly, has _he_ moved at all since that day by the lake? He still curses Snape after all, and hides it from her too. He’s still bitter about the friendship the two of them had shared. She looks at him so fondly, but is it only because she thinks he’s changed? He might have shed his layers, but the core of him is still the same. Does she know that? Does she care?

He’s seen Lily today at her very worst. Petulant and petty. All pointlessly argumentative with her rolling eyes and hands on her hips. She’d laughed at Petunia’s complaints. A dim little part of him, one that’s sober and sane, tells him that if _this_ is her worst then her heart must be light as a feather. The list of horrible things James has done is longer than his arm. The very worst of him and the very worst of her are miles and miles apart. 

“What would you ask me if I’d taken veritaserum?” He asks suddenly, whole body thrumming with the urge to know what Lily thinks about him. 

Lily shifts on her mattress, breath coming out quickly. He’s close enough to smell the wine, the scent overtaking her flowery perfume. “I dunno,” She says finally, tilting her head to look at him. Her gaze is still piercing, though it should be glazed over. Her eyes flicker down to his lips and she smiles, the little chip in her tooth making an appearance. “Maybe… maybe I’d ask if you meant it. When you asked me out at the lake that day.”

James sucks in a breath, the wine bottle slipping from his fingers into his lap. It’s empty enough not to spill everywhere, but he’d hardly notice if it did. His entire body is flooded with adrenaline that he only gets when he’s flying. The feeling is so similar, he’s not entirely sure that he’s still on Lily’s bed. Dimly, he registers a countdown downstairs. 

10\. 9. 8. Lily shifts closer, her glittery lipgloss still intact after all her drinking. 7. 6. She’s going to kiss him. She’s going to _kiss_ him. She’s going to kiss _him_. 5. 4. Though they’ve grown closer, though she flirts with him, has she truly let go of their past? If it wasn’t for the shiny Head Boy badge usually pinned to his chest, the physical proof of his change, would she still be putting her hand on his waist like that? 3. Lily’s eyes flutter shut. 2. James swallows. 1. He turns his head away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry. I really am for doing another almost kiss. But I promise a real one is JUST around the corner. Don't be too upset with me not having them kiss and leave me a comment expressing your annoyance instead!


	25. in the middle before i knew that i had begun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was the most stressful chapter i've ever written

“Okay,” Sirius says flatly, “What the hell has got your knickers in a twist?”

James doesn’t answer straight away. Instead, he fists his hands into the wood of the Quidditch stands, lodging a splinter in his palm. Wincing, he replies, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Playing dumb isn’t cute, mate.” Sirius rolls his eyes. He stares into the distance, his Gryffindor scarf tucked under his chin. It’s an especially cold day if Sirius Black has succumbed to more layers. “Was it Evans?”

James scowls, staring absently into the pitch where a group of students are gathering. He thinks he spots Mulciber, Avery and their little band of goons. He stares back at his hand, carefully finding the splinter with gentle fingers. “Why d’you just _assume_ it’s Evans?”

Sirius spares him an unimpressed glance. “Is it?”

James cheeks burn. “Shut up.” Sirius snorts loudly, grabbing James’ wrist tightly to wrench the splinter out of his palm without any fanfare. James yelps at the speed, pulling his hand back protectively towards his chest.

“So what did she do now?” Sirius asks, their shoulders bumping as they face the pitch once more. James pulls his feet up to rest on the railing in front of him, scowling to himself. 

Sirius waits, he can be awfully patient when he wants to be, although it’s usually to annoy James. “She didn’t do anything. _I_ did.” He grits out finally, feeling a tremendous urge to smack himself in the face. “I fucked up. I fucked up so bad”

Sirius raises one eyebrow, kicking James’ foot with his own sneaker. Shrugging like he doesn’t care that James has taken a very unwanted detour in his love life, he just says, “Well she still laughs at your stupid joke about the goblin, the ghoul and the half-giant walking into the bar even though you’ve told it to her ‘bout a hundred times.”

“That’s not fair, that joke is hilarious.” James says, staring off to the bottom of the stands where he can spot Lily, Remus and Peter studying. Peter had really been struggling with Defense lately and Remus and Lily were probably the only ones who could teach him without laughing in his face first.

Sirius makes a face. “The first thing you ever said to me was that joke, James. It’s a miracle we’re still friends.”

James punches Sirius’ shoulder, “You laughed!”

Sirius snorts then, much like he had seven years ago in that train compartment. “I was desperate!”

James huffs, that joke is _hilarious_. His dad had told it to him. Sirius sighs dramatically, clearly still waiting for James to speak. “It was at New Years.”

Sirius chokes on his tongue, his grey eyes bulging widely. “At _New Years_? That was three fucking weeks ago!”

“So?”

“ _So_.” Sirius enunciates annoyingly, “You two have been perfectly normal since th—”

“She was going to kiss me and I turned around!” James bursts out, not being able to hold it in a moment longer. 

Sirius’ arm darts out, wrapping around James’ neck to pull him in a horribly uncomfortable noogie. “Do you have brain damage?” He exclaims, voicing the exact question that James has been repeating to himself for weeks.

“Oi! Let go of me!” James groans into Sirius’ armpit. Even with a leather jacket on, he doesn’t fancy having his head in there.

“Why the fuck did you turn around? Fifth year you would kick your arse so bad right now and I feel obligated to follow through on that.” Sirius says, shoving James back aggressively. 

James groans loudly. “Leave me alone, Padfoot! Fuck!” He wrings a hand in his hair, angrily pulling at the thick locks. “I just—she’s _Lily_.” He says desperately.

Sirius doesn’t blink. “And you’re James.”

“You know what I mean.” James says, shaking his head.

“Yes, you moron and you know what I mean, too. Stop building her up in your head.” He scolds, punching James in the arm once more. James has just half a second to wonder if Sirius really might be an accomplished Legilimens, or if James has just been wearing his feelings on his face. “And stop dragging yourself down too.”

“But—”

Sirius groans, his long hair shaking in his sheer disbelief. “If you care about what she thinks so much why don’t you give a shit about what she actually _does_ when it comes to you?”

James furrows his eyebrows together, reflexively looking over at where Lily is sitting. “What d’you mean?”

“First of all, would Evans hang ‘round you if she didn’t think you were swell?” Sirius says pointedly, “And second, if she thought you were still a wanker, I’d jinx her hair green. And hey look, her hair’s still red, so by the—”

“—transitive property, she thinks I’m swell.” James finishes for him, knowing where that thought is going before he has a chance to voice it. His gaze flickers back to Lily who he finds is already looking at him. Nervously he sticks a hand out to wave at her which she returns with a smile. “Stellar logic, Sirius.”

“Marlene told me that Roger Mackery asked her to Hogsmeade.”

James turns his gaze back to Sirius, bewildered. “Er—I’m sorry? Didn’t really think you cared much about who Marlene when to Hogsmeade with.”

“Holy Merlin, you’re thick.” Sirius says, slapping his forehead with a loud clap. “He asked _Evans_ to Hogsmeade.”

James’ back stiffens. “Oh, and?”

“And she said yes and now they’re getting married in two weeks.” Sirius says sarcastically, for the third time reaching out to punch his shoulder. “Why would I be telling you this story if she said yes?”

“She said no?” James asks hesitantly.

“Obviously. To be honest, I don’t even want to call it asking.” Sirius continues, making a face like he’s smelled something rotten. “He went about it in such a creepy way. Marlene said he asked Evans if she’d step out on you and go with him.”

James splutters, lowering his voice. “ _What_? I’m not even—”

“And Evans laughed at him.” Sirius talks over him, waving a dismissive hand at James’ words.

“Fucking hell, no wonder Mackery’s been throwing me dirty looks.” James says, leaning back against the stands, mildly dazed, but heart marginally lighter in his chest. “D’you think I should—”

“Stop being a wanker? Always.” Sirius finishes though that’s nowhere near where his sentence was going to go.

“I’m going to snap that thing in half!” They hear Lily shriek wildly. Immediately they both turn to where Lily is sitting—well, standing now.

Remus has his hands held out, his voice a little higher pitched than usual. “Lily! I don’t really think that’s wise!”

Sirius gives James a wry smile. “I dunno about you, but I’d pay a lot of money to see Evans snap someone’s cock in half.”

James has just enough time to laugh before he swings over the railing, he and Sirius taking two steps at a time to catch up to where Lily and Remus are standing. “Hey! What’s going on?”

Lily turns her gaze to him, green eyes still blazing with what he figures is rage. “ _That’s_ what’s going on.” Peter extends his pointer finger at the group of Slytherins James had been watching earlier. Heart sinking before he even turns around, James sighs. His eyes find the group fairly easily as they’re some of the only other people on the Quidditch pitch in the middle of January. 

Mulciber and Avery are laughing, a horrifying noise like starving hyenas. One of their friends, Fleming James thinks his name is, has his wand in the air. Just above their heads is a small shape like a fading rain cloud. He squints a little closer and suddenly a fist closes around his heart. The Dark Mark has burned itself so clearly into his brain that even from this distance he can spot the differences. The small one they have floating above them is a pale imitation, the snake not curling nearly enough times, the green color hardly there at all. 

“They’re acting like it’s a fucking joke.” Lily spits out, already walking in front of them, striding off the stands and onto the hard grass, her robes blowing behind her.

They race after her, exchanging looks as they speedwalk. “Maybe we should call a Professor?” Peter suggests mildly. 

Sirius ignores him, aristocratic features pulled into a scowl mirroring James’ feelings. “Those fuckers.”

“ _Maybe_ I should go jinx Avery’s tongue to the roof of his mouth.” Lily suggests sarcastically. Before any of them have a chance to respond, she’s already walking. Even with her tiny legs, she’s halfway towards the Slytherins before any of them catch up. She has her wand held tightly in her right hand, not bothering to even pretend to be civil. 

“Oh Merlin.” Remus manages to mumble once they’re face to face with the gang of Slytherins. 

“What the _fuck_ do you think you’re doing?” Lily spits at them, standing far too close to Fleming.

Avery laughs, clearly the little ringleader at this moment. He spares Lily a glance as though she’s just a bug on the Quidditch field. With a careless wave of his wand, he points at the Dark Mark, letting it glide smoothly until it rests inches above Lily’s head. “Giving you a little preview of your future. D’you like it?”

James feels a blood vessel burst in his wrist as he moves towards Avery. He’s hardly even aware of his movements, but suddenly he has Avery’s collar bunched up in his right hand. “You have three seconds to get rid of that before you get hit in the face.” James spits at him, Avery’s tan cheeks coloring with anger.

Mulciber sighs, twirling his wand carelessly in his hands. His long hair swings around his face inelegantly as he flips it away from his eyes. “Don’t you get tired of Muggle dueling, Potter?” He exchanges a look with Fleming who laughs as though he is a dog being commanded. “It’s so… brutish.”

Remus’ hand closes around the back of James’ jacket, subtly pulling him back before his knuckles collide with Avery’s face. Fleming’s eyes dance with childish delight. “The Dark Lord—”

“Already joined up, have you?” Remus says and the way he throws the words out makes it clear to James that he’s having trouble reining his anger back too. 

“I don’t think it’s any of your business, Lupin.” Avery says, entirely untroubled with the way James wrestles his wand out of his back pocket. 

Mulciber laughs, turning to look at Sirius with feigned empathy. “Though we’ll be sure to send you notice when ickle Regulus is indicted.”

Sirius’ thread of calm snaps at the mention of his brother, wand out in a flash. It extends over James’ shoulder as he shoves past him. “I’m going to fucking kill you.”

“I’ll take my chances.” Avery mocks.

“If the Dark Lord’s” James says the words in a mocking voice, struggling to hold Sirius back, “standards are low enough to want you aboard, I don’t think we have too much to worry about.”

Sirius doesn’t quite stop trying to attack Mulciber, but he does settle just slightly under James’ hold. “Yeah, I didn’t realize Voldemort was desperate enough to recruit kids who couldn’t even pass their Charms’ OWL.”

“Fifty points from Slytherin.” Lily says, glaring pointedly at Mulciber, hand clenched so tightly around her wand that her knuckles are white. James throws a look at her, spotting the glimmering traces of civility trying to hold desperately on.

“You think we care about points, Mudblood?” Fleming spits at her.

James lets go of Sirius, taking a step closer to Fleming, lording over the few inches he has over the other boy. “Watch your fucking mouth.”

Avery places a commanding hand on Fleming’s shoulder, beckoning him back. “God, this place has gone to the dogs. Mudblood Head Girl and a blood traitor Head Boy.”

James’ blood boils, his heart pumping out blood but hardly any of it is going to his brain. He’s having a hard time thinking anything other than _attack_ at this moment. “You think if the Head Girl dies, Dumbledore’d come to his senses and make it a Slytherin?” Mulciber asks, laughing with Avery.

Avery shrugs, clearly pondering. “Maybe if we made a show out of it. I’m sure the Whomping Willow would do a good job.”

Mulciber nods, throwing a scathing look at Lily. James suspects he’s never quite let go of the time Lily had knocked him out and left him in the corridors. “Merlin knows, I’m not touching her.”

Before James has a chance to do anything, even think about his next move, Lily moves past him. Her hair flutters as she passes him, hand raised, but it’s not her wand one. With one resounding slap, her pale hand makes contact with Mulciber’s cheek. The smile hasn’t quite faded from his face so he looks utterly flabbergasted that Lily had even managed to get this close to him.

James spots Avery’s wand lifting out in the air and fires a _stupefy_ as quickly as he can at the other boy. Sirius casts a curse at the exact same time, red sparks flying from his wand. Avery is quick enough to duck out of the way, letting the spells hit Fleming just slightly. 

Fleming roars angrily from the ground, wildly casting a haphazard curse that makes its way over to Peter. Luckily even he is prepared, bellowing a loud _protego_ before the spell makes contact with him.

James’ shield charm dims when Mulciber makes a sharp cut with his wand, purple sparks flying from the tip. Lily shoves James sharply out of the way, the sparks singing the edges of her hair. “STUPEFY!” She bellows so loudly that James’ ears ring, knocking Muciber flat on his back, grass flying as he does. Her teeth are bared, that familiar warrior expression on her face that makes him stare. As striking as it is, James had hoped he’d never see it again, much less allow it to grow familiar to him.

“INCENDIO!” Avery roars, pointing his wand squarely at James’ chest. Instantly, James’ sweater catches fire, Remus haphazardly casting an _aguamenti_ charm. Even as the cool water hits him just a moment behind the flames, the burn is unbearable. Even with the pain, an anger explodes inside James that he’s never experienced before. These are guys _his age_ threatening to kill Lily in front of him. This rage gives rise to a strange creativity in him, new spells bursting forth from his wand. He faces Avery, grip tight, his protectiveness of his friends pouring over him like a tsunami tide. Avery keels over as though he’s been punched aggressively in the stomach, knees hitting the ground with a painful noise. 

Lily fires spell after spell at Mulciber, the two of them caught in a singular duel. They circle around one another, their expressions pulled tight, wands extended out in front of them. The light of their spells illuminates their faces. Mulciber’s gaunt features are even more accentuated under the red sparks. James spots the stubbornness of Lily’s jaw, her teeth biting angrily down on her lower lip as she fires nonverbal spells. 

In James’ momentary distraction, half from the pain in his chest, half from the daze of watching Lily be an utter natural on the battlefield, a curse flies past him. It collides with Peter, large flapping bats scratching and swiping painfully at his face.

Sirius throws a countercurse under his arm, quickly resuming his two way duel with Avery, alongside Remus. They’re a well-oiled machine, the two of them, they’d always had an aptitude with Defense. His heart crawls into his throat, the sight of all his friends dueling around him too familiar to him. James whirls his gaze around until it lands on Fleming, expression unnervingly hungry as he stares at Lily. “EXPELLIARMUS!” He bellows angrily, singularly focused on knocking the wand out of his hand.

Mulciber’s attention shifts from Lily for just half a millisecond, but it’s enough. She digs her heels into the ground firing a truly spectacular _stupefy_ at him, red sparks flying in the air as they hit him square in the chest. James watches his body fly across the grounds, the back of his robes muddied up with grass and dirt.

“ENOUGH! THAT IS ENOUGH!” Madame Hooch bellows and James twists his head around painfully to catch sight of what had distracted Mulciber running over to them, wand braced in front of her. Her voice shatters any spell that anyone had been thinking of casting, though Sirius manages one last jelly-legs curse spitefully at Fleming before he too, lowers his wand.

/

The thing about getting into a fight is that it usually ends far too quickly and the aftermath stretches on for hours on end. He isn’t sure how long he’s been watching McGonagall pace around the Headmaster’s study because yeah, they’ve gotten in enough trouble to warrant a visit to Dumbledore, evidently. She hasn’t said a single word, so uncharacteristically speechless that even James is a little worried.

Sirius and he are splayed out on the chairs opposite from Dumbledore’s elaborate desk. Both of them are sitting there with their legs wide open, elbows resting on one armrest and a mild scowl on their features. Lily is leaning on the opposite arm rest, her fingers tapping without any rhythm on his shoulder. Remus leans against where Fawkes, the phoenix, is perched, eyes focused on the bird as it preens at him. Peter’s hands are wringing together, eyes following McGonagall’s footsteps.

James feels hyper aware of everyone in the room, sure he could tell anyone who wanted to know exactly how many breaths everyone had taken since they’d stepped into the room. Adrenaline still pours uselessly into his body, his foot shaking rapidly with nothing else to do with the energy. 

Eventually, McGonagall stops pacing abruptly. Her hat twitches in her movement, hands gesturing wildly as she scolds them. “This is entirely inappropriate behavior that I’m seeing from my Head students _and_ a Prefect.” Her hard gaze crawls over Remus, Lily and him. He’s never really felt particularly guilty when he’s been called to any Professor’s office. This time is no exception, in fact he’s pretty sure he’s more remorseless than he ever remembers being. “You are supposed to be role models in this school, not engaging in courtyard brawls!”

“You should’ve heard what they were saying, Professor!” James bursts out, annoyance sparking in his chest though part of that might just be the remnants of Mulciber’s curse.

“Professor Slughorn will be speaking with his students. _I_ am concerned with your behavior.” McGonagall snaps, leaning against Dumbledore’s desk, her lips pressed into a thin line.

Before James can argue any further, Sirius straightens in his chair, fingers clenching around his armrests. “So next time we should let them call Evans a Mudblood and threaten to hang her off the Whomping Willow?”

“Mr Black—”

“I’ll just dock points for threatening murder next time.” James calls out, rage burning in his chest like a forest fire. He turns to Remus sardonically, “What d’you think, mate, fancy chaperoning a detention?”

McGonagall’s face goes white. “ _Mr Potter_ , while I would never condone their words or beliefs, I do not condone the actions you took either.”

It’s a mark of true friendship that both Sirius and James immediately shout, “That’s complete—”

Though they don’t make much noise, everyone hears the soft padding of feet behind them. “Professor Dumbledore!” McGonagall calls, shoulders subtly untensing at the sight of him.

James twists his head around, but doesn’t bother getting up from his chair. Dumbledore walks in merrily, his usual smile on his face as he flicks his eyes over them. “I heard a little rumor that a fight had broken out.” He says cheerfully, making his way around them to take a seat behind his long desk. He folds his hands together, pressing forward intently. “Would someone care to fill me in on the details? How about Mr Lupin?”

Remus’ eyes meet James’ for a split second. He gives his friend an imperceptible nod and then Remus launches into his story. He tells Dumbledore about the Dark Mark the Slytherins had been attempting to make. The death threats they’d made at Lily. Sheepishly, he even admits that Lily had struck Mulciber across the face. That James and Sirius had been the first to fire curses. Slowly, he crawls through the whole story, sweat dripping down James’ back as he does.

“A fascinating tale.” Dumbledore says once Remus is finally done speaking. “Not to worry, I am sure Professor Slughorn will deal with his students accordingly. I suggest that you focus on your own duties as Head students and Prefects respectively. You are the oldest students in the school and must set a good example.” There’s something about the twinkle in his eyes that sets James on edge. He knows enough about instigating people to know that there is another layer behind Dumbledore’s words. “I would not recommend you engage in any more duels for the rest of your time at Hogwarts.”

For a moment nobody speaks, James isn’t even sure someone breathes. 

“Alright,” Lily says, shattering the silence with one word. She stands up from where she was leaning against the side of James’ chair. Instantly, the entire atmosphere of the room shifts from heated to an icy chill. It seems the winds have shifted in accordance to Lily’s mood and James finds himself preparing for the oncoming hurricane. “You don’t want us to go starting courtyard brawls, then what is it that we can do? I’m tired of sitting here and twiddling my thumbs. Being still has never been good for me, for _any_ of us. What would you have us do then, if not start duels with those who would prefer me to drop dead?”

James feels Lily’s gaze flicker to him. It isn’t encouragement that she’s looking for, not even reassurance, but support. He knows he’s supposed to nod, give her a thumbs up maybe, but he just smiles. Everyone else is looking at her as though they can’t believe she has the sheer gall to be talking to the headmaster this way, but James is only surprised it took so long for Lily to lose her patience.

Lily moves forward, dark hair glinting in the sunlight to look like flickering flames. Just as abruptly as the atmosphere moved before, with Lily’s wavering anger, it shifts once more. It’s the middle of January, but it feels burning in here, with her fiery hair and blazing gaze, it feels like summer all over again. “What’s the _point_ ,” Lily spits, walking ever so slowly up to Professor Dumbledore’s desk. He sits calmly in his chair, five foot long desk keeping him away from girl unraveling in front of him. “Of being Head Girl if no one cares about what I say? What’s the point of going to career discussions with Professor McGonagall when everyone knows no one is going to hire me once I graduate?” 

Each word is a carefully struck blow, like careful arrows notched from a bow when Sirius and James were all haphazard canon blasts. Lily’s hands are shaking, but her words never falter. “What’s the point of comforting little first years that it’s okay to be different, to not know anything about the wizarding world when every day people are calling them slurs they don’t even know? What do you want me to do, because _nothing_ has stopped being an option a long time ago.”

Her last sentence isn’t a question, from anyone else it would have been blustering and bold like Godric Gryffindor’s house is so often known to be. But Lily’s bravery has never stemmed from how loudly she yells, though she can be rather loud, or how many duels she’s gotten into. It comes from something far deeper, from the softness he’d noticed so long ago thrumming in her veins. And soft should be weak, that’s what the whole world has said, but here, now, looking at Lily with her soft hands and soft cheeks, James cannot fathom anything that would bring her to her knees.

When he finally remembers that Lily is not the only person in the room, he twists around to look at everybody else. It seems his sudden movement sparks McGonagall out of her stupor. “Miss Evans—” She starts, but stops just as abruptly. The look on her face is appropriate for someone who has just been slapped if her wide-eyed gaze is anything to go by. Sirius looks as though he wants to burst into applause and James finds himself grinning in sync with his friend.

Professor Dumbledore, who just might be the strangest man in the world, doesn’t look angry, disappointed, or hell, even surprised. If anything he looks proud. For a moment, Lily and Dumbledore just stare at one another in a bizarre game of chicken in which neither of them look remotely interested in winning or losing. 

“Ms Evans,” Dumbledore says finally, parting the silence like the sun on a cloudy day. “Have you ever heard of the Order of the Phoenix?”

“No.” Lily’s shoulders un-tense. Her battle stance fades until she backs up, perching herself gently on the arm of James’ chair once more. Reflexively he places a hand at the small of her back.

Dumbledore watches this exchange with a twinkle in his blue eyes. Carefully, his gaze scrolls towards all of them. Sirius, who sits in his chair as though it’s his personal lounge, the poster boy of rebellion. Remus, who wrings his fingers together under the scrutiny, but keeps his eyes firm. Peter, whose hands shake in his lap, watery gaze nervous as he looks at James concernedly. Lily, who has subtly shifted to allow James’ hand to creep around her waist, green eyes piercing. And finally at James.

Dumbledore has always seemed like a bit of a nutter, with his eccentric robes and his silly opening speeches. He has never given James the presence of someone who once defeated the greatest dark wizard the world had seen in a very long time. But now, as James stares defiantly back at his headmaster, he spots the chessplayer behind that kind gaze. He spots the man who is going to plot the downfall of the next great evil.

“The Order of the Phoenix is an organization that I have founded to oppose Lord Voldemort and his Death Eaters,” Dumbledore says simply. “It is composed of several individuals, some I am sure you have heard of, or even personally know. Perhaps you remember Frank Longbottom who was Head Boy not too long ago?”

“Alphonse,” Lily whispers quietly and a weight falls over James’ head like a pile of bricks.

“Yes,” Dumbledore confirms sadly, “Alphonse Vance was also a member of the Order. Unfortunately, we have not had the success that I had hoped for us.”

“Albus,” McGonagall seems to have finally found her words. The steel is back in her eyes as she strides over to Dumbledore’s desk, her shadow falling over James’ chair. “You cannot possibly be saying what I think you are.”

“I am,” Dumbledore tells her. “You know these children—and perhaps children is a term that can no longer be applied to them. You know they will not be able to rest.”

“That doesn’t mean we should send children off to the _frontlines_.” McGonagall protests and though James cannot see her face, he knows her well enough to know her nostrils are flaring. There is a certain motherly warmth in her hard edges and he finds his heart strings being tugged by the fierceness of her voice. “You need Aurors and experienced duelers and—”

“—and people who _care_ about making a difference, Minerva.” Dumbledore interrupts. He sounds as though he has simply been waiting for this day to arrive, for them to grow into the people they are today, to make this very offer. He turns his gaze back towards Lily, “Am I wrong, Ms Evans?”

“No,” Lily says firmly, speaking for them all. There isn’t quite a smile in her voice, he’d be surprised if there was, but there’s a peace there that wasn’t before. “Where do I sign up?”

/

“I need a fucking smoke,” Sirius huffs the second they descend from the gargoyle steps of the Headmaster’s office. Remus claps a hand to Sirius’ back, expression stoic. Peter nervousness still hasn’t faded completely from his face, but he settles under Sirius’ gaze. James nods his head, moving towards the boys who have already started to wrestle their wands out of their pockets. 

Lily’s hand shifts, just slightly grasping the pinky of his right hand. “Er—actually," James says, giving Lily a sidelong glance. "You guys go on. We've got some Heads stuff to attend to.”

The three of them stop abruptly, staring at Lily and James with an expression of intense _knowing_. Remus’ eyes flicker to James’ hand, where Lily is still holding onto his pinky. The touch is light, delicate, but something about it roots James to his spot. There's something buzzing in the air, maybe it's feeling that they're finally going to make a difference, but suddenly James feels like everything has changed.

“Have one for us, will you?” Lily speaks finally. Sirius’ gaze shifts towards James, their earlier conversation replaying loudly in his head. _Stop dragging yourself down_. James gives an imperceptible nod, shifting his hand so that he can intertwine his and Lily’s fingers together, soft skin meeting the roughness of his. 

Finally, Sirius nods, wrapping one arm each around Remus and Peter, steering them down the hallway, calling carelessly over his shoulder, “You two have fun!”

James looks nervously over at Lily, their hands still gripped together. Her eyes flicker down and she slips into a smile. “Your lip,” James notices, “Was it bleeding before?”

Lily’s other hand shifts there, touching the chapped skin of her lower lip. It’s reddish, just a few shades darker than the rest of her mouth, but the skin there is slightly raised. James’ mind conjures an image of Lily on the Quidditch pitch, eyes wild and teeth bared. “I must’ve cut myself.” She shrugs, tugging his hand to walk along the corridor. 

It’s only five, so there are still countless people in the halls, running around with their shirts untucked and their skirts too short. James spots a group of first year boys with telltale guilty expressions as they emerge from the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom. He doesn’t reprimand them, just lifts his spare hand to his forehead, and salutes. Red faced, but clearly pleased, they fall over themselves in an effort to get out from his and Lily’s way, laughing loudly as they do. 

“Is it strange,” Lily says softly, their arms brushing together, “that I get really happy just from looking at things like that?”

“What?” He asks, still smiling as he watches the boys run down the corridor, “Normal things?”

“People laughing, having fun.” She nods her head, curtain of dark hair slipping off her shoulder. “Just reminds you that there’s still light in the world.”

“I know what you mean,” James says and he does. Though he and the boys had started pulling pranks long ago, recently it hasn’t been for their own amusement. Charming the Great Hall to snow at breakfast hadn’t exactly been funny. It had been delightful though, to see McGonagall shake snowflakes out of her witch’s hat. To see a pair of first year Hufflepuffs start to ball together some of the snow into snowmen. When no one had reprimanded them for starting a snowball fight.

They approach the library now, and it’s dreadfully crowded this time of year. Neither of them pulls their hands away, even as they catch sight of several familiar faces. As they get even closer, a few peers stare at them pointedly, even whispering as soon as they get behind them. James doesn’t let go, just squeezes Lily’s hand as they turn the corridor for their office. Months ago, maybe even hours ago, the two of them would've been embarrassed or awkward about so many people watching them, but in a blink of an eye, things like that just don't matter anymore.

Lily wrestles the old doorknob open, the door clattering against the wall as she pulls him inside. “We’ve had a rough day,” She announces, pulling her wand out of her robe pocket to light the fire in the corner. The wood ignites immediately, flames flickering to light up the dark room. 

“I’ll say,” James agrees, pulling the two of them towards the sofa, collapsing on the uncomfortable stuffing. “For a moment, did you think Dumbledore was going to expel you?”

Lily snorts, resting her head on his shoulder. “No,” She tilts her head, “Though I did think McGonagall was.”

Lily pulls their entwined hands into her lap, slowly lifting up each one of his fingers. Gently, she undoes all of them until just their fingertips meet. She taps them together sporadically, letting his gaze wash over her without ever saying a word. He wonders how often she’s let him get away with looking at her. “Let’s do something fun,” She says, dropping their hands abruptly to smile at him.

“Yeah,” He says, taking his hand back to meet her gaze. “What d’you have in mind?”

Her eyes sparkle, clearly already having an idea. “Let’s build a blanket fort.” Lily stands up, immediately pulling the fuzzy, navy blanket that she’d draped over the sofa months ago. As she does, his invisibility cloak falls off the back into a shimmering pile on the floor.

“Alright,” James agrees readily, scooping up another one of Lily’s blankets off the counter of their desk. This one is their blue checkered one that James would call his favorite, if he had to. “But you’ve got to teach me how to, I’ve never actually built one.”

“What?” She says incredulously, opening one of her cupboards to pull out two more blankets, one patterned with little broomsticks and the other with a large lion. Lily might just be a hoarder, he thinks, watching as she summons another blanket, this one flowery pink with embroidered daisies on it. “How have _you_ of all people never built a blanket fort?”

James snorts, thrusting the one blanket he’s found into Lily’s overflowing arms. She frowns at him, the best she can over the massive pile. “Never had any siblings.”

“What about once you got to Hogwarts?” She huffs, dropping all the blankets unceremoniously onto the sofa. The haphazard colors mash together in an endearing pile; he thinks he even spots the initials L.E. written carefully on the labels of two of them.

“Too old.” He replies easily, watching the way Lily puts her hands on her hips, tilting her head back and forth as she ponders the pile she’s made.

“What about that all that rubbish you spew about never being old or something about age being just a number?” She says without missing a beat, making him let out a snort.

“First of all, Ms Evans,” he tuts, tapping her on the nose gently as she flicks her wand carelessly, making their two chairs fly into the air. They move fluidly, coming to fall on top of their coffee table with a resounding thump. “It’s the very first rule of being a Marauder, treat it with respect.” 

James folds his arms together as Lily lets out a huff. With another swish of her wand, three blankets raise themselves in the air, half draping across the back of the chairs all the way to the back of the sofa. “Whatever you say. Can’t be that important if you don’t follow it.” She scoffs back at him, busily securing one last blanket over the tent she’s made.

“Not building a blanket fort is not a violation of our most sacred rule.” He says indignantly, pulling out his own wand to help secure the blankets in place. With his long limbs and tendency to get nervous in Lily’s presence, these blankets won’t stay in place for long. He casts a mild sticking charm to the edges of the fabric, securing them in place across the chairs and the sofa. 

“Alright, what is it exactly?” Lily asks, jutting her chin out and fluttering her eyelids at him. Her hands float to her waist, fingers gripping the hem of her grey sweater, pulling it off slowly until her head is lost in the fabric. In the two seconds it takes for her face to reappear, James guiltily watches the white, uniform shirt ride up to reveal a little sliver of skin. “So I can quote it at you when you’re being uncharacteristically boring again?” Lily finishes, voice unmuffled once her face reappears.

James quickly moves his eyes back up to hers, looking at Lily’s handiwork. The chairs on the table look a little funny, but the blankets make a fairly high canopy, their mismatched fabrics leaving enough room not to feel claustrophobic under there. He smiles at her, tucking his hand towards his waist and gesturing with the other to the ‘entrance’ to their blanket fort. “Rule number one of being a Marauder: never, ever grow up.”

Lily laughs, grabbing a hold of the last blanket, his favorite. The blue checkered fabric draped safely over her arms, she ducks under his outstretched arm to delve under the covers of their fort. James bends over, carefully lifting the edge of the broomstick patterned blanket to make his way back towards the sofa. His knees knock against the coffee table considering how closely it’s pressed to the edge of the sofa. 

Lily’s feet are rested up on her side of the coffee table, her head tilting awkwardly to the right. She stares pointedly at him until he takes the hint to crouch into his seat, slotting his shoulder where she very clearly wants it. She tucks her head into the crook of his neck, letting him take in her work. Their feet bump against one another’s, but the closeness doesn’t deter them, if anything it’s comforting.

It’s a tad bit warm under the blankets in a way that should feel sweaty, but feels more like soaking in a patch of sunlight. Lily pulls the checkered blanket over them, careful to hog more of it the way she likes to, but he doesn’t comment on it. They’re pressed close enough together that he still gets enough blanket. The fabric above them is taut and pulled carefully to not droop on their heads, the navy one dominating their vision so much that it looks almost like the night sky. 

James lifts his hips in the air, pulling his wand out of his back pocket. With a careful flick of his wrist and a whisper of a spell, little glittering flecks burst from the tip of his wand. Slowly, they stick to the underside of the navy blanket like mismatched constellations. 

Lily sighs, breath hot against his ear, “That’s a beautiful bit of magic.”

He hums back, pleased with the way her hand curls around his waist. There’s a tender spot just below his thrumming heart where one of the curses from the duel had hit him. He didn’t realize how much it was stinging him, until her fingers brush against it the thinly singed fabric. “Think you can find any constellations?”

Lily’s eyes flicker above them, dancing with delight as a smile creeps its way up to her face. “That one,” She lifts her hand in the air, chipped red nail drawing a line across five glittering flecks and two that jut out from that line, “is a broomstick.”

A fond laugh bubbles out of James’ chest, “Have I ever told you how much I love the fact that you’re mad about Quidditch?”

“I think you’ve mentioned it once or twice.” Lily giggles. Her chest rises and falls with her laughter, white shirt tight against her skin.

James turns away wildly, to keep his mind from straying. “This one right here,” He points at the blanket, his fingers skimming the soft fabric. He traces a line of white flecks with two almost triangles on the side like an angry stick figure, with its’ hands on its’ hips. “That’s you when you’re angry.”

“Shut up!” Lily protests, smacking him on the stomach, somehow knowing without him ever telling her that his chest still aches. 

“It’s true!” He protests, laughter tinged with something like nostalgia. Something about the warmth of the blankets and the curling of Lily’s fingers around the buttons of his shirt reminds him of his parents. Of how his father used to smile at his mother, tuck a curl behind her ear every morning. It feels like something he’s only glimpsed in his dreams.

Acting on impulse, he lifts his hand towards her, tucking a stray curl behind her ear, thumb just barely stroking the soft skin of her cheek. Lily leans into the touch, eyelashes lowering as she whispers. “James?”

“Hm?”

“I’ve always felt really… safe with you.” She says quietly, fingers rubbing against the fabric of his shirt softly. He nods at her, encouraging her to continue though her lip quivers as she meets his eyes. “But I don’t know what’s gotten into me lately. I can’t stop picturing a Dark Mark. I have nightmares about it all the time.” She admits, voice heart-breakingly soft. “Even now, when we’re inside Hogwarts, it feels like the world is just seconds away from collapsing on us.”

Safe, she’d said. James stretches out his hand, extending until his fingers escape the warmth of their fort into the shimmering pile of his invisibility cloak on the floor. “Here,” He whispers back at her, doing his best to untangle the fabric enough to throw over the pair of them. It falls over them gently and though the fabric is thin, it feels like a shield. Lily is pressed even closer to him now, eyes shining despite the darkness. “Now the world can’t see us.”

Lily looks at him for a moment, something so burning in her gaze that James feels as though his entire body is alight with flames. There’s a magic in those green eyes, and James knows that yes, Hogwarts is a school of magic, but he can’t recall a spell ever making him feel quite as alive as this gaze does just now. Her chest heaves and when she says his name, it's more of a sigh than anything else. “James…”

“Yeah?” He says, voice tremoring lightly. His eyes flick to her lips, too weak to look anywhere else. They’re too close together for Lily to even pretend like she hasn’t noticed. Her tongue darts out. He isn’t sure who moves first, but Lily’s hand rises up to rest on the skin of his neck. It’s still sweaty, but she slides her fingers up into his hair. From this close, he can feel her breaths coming out in short puffs. He squeezes his hand—when had it gotten to Lily’s waist? 

Then with a slow-building crescendo, thrumming in his lungs so wildly that it feels as though they’re going to burst, their lips meet. For all his cockiness and preening tendencies, he’s always felt a little bit like a badly folded paper crane around Lily. But this feels like the most natural thing in the world. It seems as though he’s been kissing the wrong people because the moment she moves her lips in a soft, slow press, James feels all the tension drain from his body. He moves his lips a little harder, squeezing the little sliver of skin that’s appeared beneath his hand. Lily’s hand tugs just slightly on his hair, making goosebumps rise across the back of his neck. She pulls back just barely, teeth nipping gently at his lower lip. They move so slowly, like they’ve got endless time on their hands. And maybe they do, because for once, it feels like the world isn’t paying any attention to them at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please drop a comment if you liked it, i was so nervous about this


	26. like something out of a book

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the late update, I've been super swamped with school and work. hope this fluffy chapter makes up for it !

“Miss Evans, you seem extraordinarily distracted today!” Slughorn’s voice booms from the front of the classroom. “ _Miss Evans!_ ”

Lily startles from her seat, simultaneously knocking over the bag of lacewing flies and her stirring spoon. It makes a loud clatter as it collides with the stone, but still fails to mask James’ obnoxious laughter next to her. She turns a little pink, giving Slughorn an apologetic look as she bends down to pick up her things. As she does, she pinches James’ shin as hard as she can, making him yelp in surprise. 

“Sorry, Professor,” Lily says, seating herself once more, pretending as though she doesn’t notice that everyone in the classroom has turned to look at her. “Mind’s somewhere else today.”

“I understand, my dear,” He says, waddling over to her with a broad smile, “Nothing too distracting I hope.”

“Nothing could keep me away from you for too long, sir.” Lily replies quickly, making him laugh. It’s not a good lie, if the way Marlene snorts from halfway across the room is any indication, but Slughorn seems to buy it. Clearly pleased, he returns to the front of the room, resuming his instruction, cheeks a soft pink. Lily ducks her head down, flipping open the page of the textbook they’re supposed to be on. If he knew where her mind was wandering in the middle of class, she’s sure he’d turn a much darker shade of red.

James creeps his chair closer to her, careful not to let it drag noisily across the floor. His nose almost brushes her hair when he whispers, “Anyone in particular you’re thinking about?” 

Lily turns her head, the two of them far too close together to be appropriate. “Your dad,” she replies mockingly. Instantly, James’ smug smile contorts into a wider grin until he can’t hold his laughter back, a loud snort escaping his mouth. Slughorn’s gaze flickers back towards the two of them and they quickly look away to keep from giggling.

It’s only been a few days since she’d kissed James (or had James kissed her?) and she’d really thought that she’d stop being so distracted all the time. She used to spend her time looking at him, pretending she didn’t notice him looking at her, wondering what it would be like to kiss him. She figured once she finally _did_ kiss him, all that would go away. But if anything, it’s only gotten worse. Lily never thought she’d get the chance to be a lovesick schoolgirl. The world had made it pretty clear that the only thing it saw her as was a Muggle-born, period. But as always, James Potter had a funny way of defying expectations.

“Psst,” James whispers, nudging her with his elbow subtly, “Have you really not heard a word I’ve said to you?”

“What?” She startles again, managing to make it less disruptive this time. She turns to look at him, where he’s folded up the sleeves of his shirt—when had he even taken his robes off? His chin rests in his hand as he gives her a fond rolling of his eyes. “Sorry, what did you say?”

“D’you like the me in your head more than the real me?” He asks seriously, hazel eyes looking almost brown in the dark lighting of the classroom.

“Probably a little bit.” Lily laughs, careful not to make it too loud because Marlene and Sirius keep shushing her as though they’re usually very attentive. She gives him a mischievous look, “He’s wearing less clothes.”

James inhales sharply, elbow sliding off the table. “You’re gonna be the death of me, woman.”

“Counting on it.” She grins back at him. “What were you saying?”

“I figure we should you know, go on an actual date soon?” James says, scrunching up his nose, tilting his voice a little higher. He even sounds a little nervous, she notices fondly. “I don’t really think hanging out in our office, reading our essays can really be considered romantic.”

While that’s true, Lily has really enjoyed the kisses they exchange in between their dramatic readings. “Isn’t everything romantic now that we’re together?” She replies cheekily, mostly because she enjoys the heat in James’ eyes whenever they banter like this.

Predictably, his eyes spark at her words, grin rising to his lips. “Touche, Evans.”

“Are you going to stop calling me Evans now?” Lily rolls her eyes, pretending to sound annoyed. 

“I’ll never stop calling you Evans, Evans.” James says, sounding thoroughly affronted. Subtly, his hand shifts, crawling across the table to grasp her fingers.

“Where did you want to go?” She asks, lowering her gaze to their hands.

“I figure Hogsmeade a bit cliche.” James replies, stroking his thumb over the skin of her knuckles. “Fancy just hanging out by the Quidditch pitch?”

A laugh bubbles out of Lily’s chest, but she does her best to stifle it with her other hand. She shakes her head in amusement, “You’re so lucky I like Quidditch as much as you do, otherwise some other girl would be very offended you suggested that.”

James nods seriously, leaning even closer to her. “Why d’you think I like you?”

“This information is on page 258, Mr Potter,” Slughorn’s voice says, much closer than it was a moment ago. They look up, their hands jumping away from one another when Slughorn’s shadow falls over their cauldron. His eyebrows are pulled in vague displeasure. “I don’t think you’ll find the what you’re looking for in Ms Evans’ eyes.”

James opens his mouth, surely to say something that would land him in detention, but Lily intervenes before he has a chance. A cheeky smile rises to her lips as she says, “Don’t worry, he already has, Professor.” 

/

It should be silly how something as simple as being asked on a proper date by James Potter makes such a drastic change in her mood. She doesn’t even care that Reneé Carrow had tripped her in the corridor or that Severus had been shooting her dirty looks all afternoon. Something about the look in James’ eyes whenever he looked at her made her feel strangely impervious to the world.

“A Quidditch pitch date,” Emmeline says, smiling widely on Lily’s behalf. They’re sprawled out on one of the comfier sofas in the Gryffindor common room, the fire roaring next to them. “That is so—”

“Stupid?” Marlene offers lazily from her spot in Emmeline’s lap.

“Shut up, Marlene,” Lily and Emmeline say simultaneously, though it’s only Em’s gentle flick to her forehead that prevents Marlene from saying anything further.

“It’s so _you_ ,” Emmeline says finally, clapping her hands together. Lily beams back at her, so desperately relieved to see the familiar spark of excitement back in her friend’s eyes. 

“I’m excited,” Lily admits, having a hard time keeping the smile from crawling back up to her face. 

“What time are you guys going?” Em inquires, absently playing with the strands of Marlene’s hair that fall over her thighs. 

“I’m not really sure,” Lily says, furrowing her brow, “We didn’t really get a chance to decide before Slughorn interrupted.”

“I’m sure he could hardly stand you making a date with another man right under his nose.” Marlene says, making the two of them burst into giggles. “Honestly, the way he was looking at James makes me really concerned for his N.E.W.T. grade.”

“Don’t be silly, Marly,” Emmeline says, shaking her head. “He’d never do anything like that.”

“Em’s right,” Lily agrees immediately, pushing Marlene’s legs off her lap, “Slughorn likes me far too much to fail James.” 

Marlene snorts, then perks up slightly against Emmeline’s stomach. “Where are you going?”

Lily hums in response, brushing off the crinkles of her skirt. “Better go tell my date when we should meet up.” She turns, making her way into the entrance of the boys’ dormitory, hoping that everyone is completely dressed when she goes inside. She takes two steps at a time up the tower, hearing exasperated voices as she approaches the seventh years’ door.

“We outlawed this, James!” She hears Sirius’ indignant voice.

Lily makes it all the way up to their door, pushing it open just slightly to see James slap a hand to his forehead. He’s standing in black trousers and his glasses adorably askew. He doesn’t have a shirt on and Lily only oggles a little bit. “I spill pumpkin juice on your jacket one time—”

“And that time you got blood over his t-shirt.” Peter pipes up from his bed, looking up from what looks like a Muggle comic book.

James throws him a betrayed look. “Thanks, Peter, really.” He turns back to Sirius, putting his hands on his hips, a pose very reminiscent of Lily herself. “Just because Moony looks better in your jacket than you do—”

“Please don’t drag me into this.” Remus says, though he’s clutching what looks like Sirius’ leather jacket. 

Lily pushes the door open just slightly, managing to catch the exasperated look on Sirius’ face. He’s leaning against his bed frame, his arms folded tightly together. “It’s just a date with Evans, you’re not meeting the bloody Minister.”

“ _Just Evans_?” James says, his voice three times louder than it usually is. Lily just barely manages to stifle her laugh at the ridiculous of the scene in front of her.

“You really asked for this, Sirius.” Remus says, shaking his head though even from here Lily can spot the telltale twitching of his lips.

Peter lets out the laugh that Lily has been holding back. “To be fair, Lily has seen you in your ugly Christmas sweaters and she still likes you—”

“—God knows why.” Sirius interrupts, rolling his eyes.

Lily takes this as her opportunity to fully swing the door open. “Don’t be jealous, Sirius, it’s not becoming of you.”

“Lily! Hey!” James exclaims, leaping sideways to lean against Remus’ bedpost. He folds his arms together, and though he looks rather handsome like this, half-undressed and grinning, he also looks hilarious.

“You’re really trying and failing to look casual.” Lily says shortly, making Sirius burst into laughter. She tucks her head into the room, not stepping in fully, sure she wouldn’t be able to resist looking at James more inappropriately than she should. “Wear whatever you want, I’ll be waiting for you at the front steps at six, alright handsome?”

James beams at her, a tiny, barely there flush rising to his cheeks at her words. It’s a little cheesy and if Marlene was here, she’d be miming vomiting noises, but Lily can’t help it. “How has it been thirty seconds of you two being together and it’s already nauseating?” Remus says, making a face before hiding it underneath Sirius’ jacket.

/

James ends up wearing his own t-shirt, the stupid Puddlemere United one that’s all threadbare and thinning. Lily loves it. What she doesn’t love is the broomstick in his hands.

“James, please don’t make me start this date by murdering you.” Lily says, folding her arms together, stepping backwards as he approaches her. The blanket in her arms falls a little, skimming the edges of her ankles as she moves.

He lets out a laugh, not explaining anything, just handing her the tiny basket that he holds in his left hand. Lily accepts it reluctantly, taking his hand with much more enthusiasm. “Relax, Evans,” He says, tugging her forward with his hand.

“I’m not getting on that thing.” She protests, though she still can’t quite wipe the smile off her face.

“Oh come on, Evans,” James says, waving cheerfully at a group of third years as they exit the castle, starting their walk on the cobbled path to the Quidditch stadium. “It’ll be fun, just one ride.”

She looks down at her white sweater that had a tendency to slip down her shoulders, the curls she’d actually put a bit of effort into. “Okay,” Lily says, making James brighten immediately, “Do _you_ want to murder me on our first date?”

“Lily, Lily, Lily,” James tuts. Lily squints nervously at the Quidditch field, her grip tight on her blanket. “There will be no murdering or dying on our first date—or any of our dates, if you don’t mind.”

Lily eyes his Comet Two-Twenty with distaste. “I’m not getting on that thing.”

James laughs, his stride quickening as they approach the Quidditch field. Lily looks over at him, the twinkle in his eyes, the subtle way his body vibrates just in reaction to being so close to the grounds. “Just give it a _chance_ , Evans.”

“I did.” She tells him dryly, all the horrible accidents that accompanied her broomstick rides cropping up in her memories. “Remember our first ever flying lesson?”

James lets out a bark of laughter as they enter the grounds. Instead of taking the usual staircases, he leads her past the locker rooms. “The part where the broom hit you in the face or when you crashed into Mary’s teeth?”

Lily lets herself be tugged, luckily being short enough to not have to duck at any of the wooden beams. She swipes out to smack the middle of James’ stomach. “Stop laughing! It hurt!”

James manages to subdue his laughter in time. He lets her walk in front of him, hand resting at the small of her back to guide her out of the stands and onto the open grounds. Though it’s been snowing the last few days, the grounds are still a brilliant green. James runs in front of her, clearly too excited to keep strolling. “Let’s just have a nice time, watch the sunset, and at the end of it you can decide if you’ve changed your mind, yeah!” He shouts as he reaches the very center of the field, exactly where Madam Hooch usually throws up the Quaffle. 

“I’m not going to!” She yells back, still keeping her slow pace as she approaches him. She tosses the blanket she’s been draping over herself at him and he catches it with practiced ease. 

“Alright.” He shrugs, smiling away as he throws out the blanket in front of him, trying to make it fall flat on the ground. She watches him attempt it a few times before grasping the other corners, placing the blanket in a neat square on the grounds. 

“I’m being serious.” Lily tells him as she sits down on the blanket. She holds up a finger, casting a light cushioning charm on the fabric before adjusting her seating and letting James join her. She wiggles around, pleased with the softness of the ground.

James throws himself on the blanket, eagle spread like he’s about to start making snow angels. “I’d rather you be Lily, but if you insist.”

“Oh, ha ha.” She deadpans, grabbing the tiny basket out from his hands. “What did you bring? Some treacle tart I hope?”

Lily wrestles the straw basket open, wonders if he knows all the house elves by name now. “You know it.” He answers easily, as she starts unloading the basket.

First, she pulls out two tiny bowls of treacle tart, a flask of what she hopes is firewhiskey, but knows to be butterbeer, some utensils and then a large plate. “You have a strange love for roast chicken.” She says, eyeing the pre-cut slices with amusement.

“It’s got a lot of flavor.” James says defensively, “You lot are so reluctant with your spices.”

Lily looks down at him, bewildered, “Muggles?”

“No! British people…” He lowers his voice, flickering his eyes around the stadium though they’re the only ones here. “ _White_ people.” Lily lets out a snort, tossing a spoon at him, managing to make it collide with his chest. “It’s true!” 

“Whatever you say.” 

James seems pleased enough with her answer, reaching towards the plate of chicken, carefully peeling off the protective layer the elves had placed on it. “D’you reckon McGonagall can see into the Heads’ office?”

Lily furrows her eyebrows, golden tinted memories of running her hands through James’ hair as he kissed her crossing her mind. “Merlin, I hope not. Why?”

James shrugs, poking his piece of chicken with a particularly hard press of his fork. “I passed her on the way to meet you. She told me to behave myself if I wanted to make a good impression.”

Lily laughs, taking the fork and knife to cut her own piece of chicken. “I think the time for good impressions has passed. I’ve already seen you at your worst.”

Something strange happens just then to James’ expression. It’s like a cloud has passed straight over the sun. “Right.”

“I’m joking.” She says, stretching out her hand to place it over his.

“I know.” He replies stiffly. Lily opens her mouth to say something, anything though she isn’t sure what, but then James clears his throat. He blinks once, then twice and then his hazel eyes are as bright as ever. “Man, fifth year me would be jumping for joy if he could see me now.”

Lily laughs, trying to picture a just slightly shorter version of James Potter dancing around in an American cheerleading uniform. “You know I thought you were taking the mickey back then.”

“What?” James’ chicken falls off its’ fork. Lily’s reflexes aren’t fast enough to catch it before it makes contact with a white patch of the checkered blanket.

Lily wrinkles her nose, picking up the piece of chicken and putting it in her mouth. Five second rule, after all. “I didn’t think you were being serious when you asked me on a date.” She swallows, “I mean, Marlene, Em and… Severus used to tell me you fancied me, but I thought it was just a long-winded joke.”

“That’s completely ridiculous.” James says, sounding thoroughly offended. “Why would I waste so much time getting the attention of a girl I didn’t even like?”

Lily squints at him, “You used to do a lot of ridiculous things, James. I didn’t exactly think that was above you.”

“That is so disheartening.” He says, shaking his head. Finally recovering, he pokes another piece of his chicken, chewing with such deliberation she wonders if he’s trying to have more manners than usual. “If you’d known I wasn’t joking, would you have said yes?”

“Right then and there?” James nods and Lily lets out a laugh. “Not a chance in hell, Potter. You were a wanker.”

“Oi!” He says, throwing another piece of chicken at her. It lands on her pants, which is lucky because her hands would definitely be on her hips if it had landed on her sweater. She sticks her tongue out at him. “Well, it’s true, I just don’t like hearing it.”

Lily smiles softly, “I would’ve said yes if you'd asked me some time last year.”

“Noted.” He says, so pleased that Lily can’t resist leaning closer to him and pressing a quick kiss to his lips. 

Well, at least it was meant to be quick. James’ hand drops the fork it was holding and instead pulls her closer, a firm grip on her waist. Despite it having been a few days since they’d first kissed, there’s still a tiny bit of nerves that accompanies it. Lily’s only been kissed by a handful of boys before, but somehow she can’t remember it ever being nearly this pleasing. If she’s being honest, she can hardly remember them at all. 

Everything about James manages to be exciting and nervous all at once. It’s funny, they’d slipped so slowly into this, their friendship naturally blooming into something else. Lily keeps her hands on the blanket, content with the way James’ travel up to her neck, to cup her cheeks. His hands are warm and so large that they almost feel like a shield. 

Lily presses back against him, mouth moving just slightly, utterly entranced with the careful way James is kissing her. She makes a quiet noise when he presses his teeth down gently at her lower lip. James doesn’t waste a moment, taking his chance to kiss her open-mouthed. Something changes instantly, Lily can feel it in the fluttering in her stomach and the goosebumps rising on the back of her neck with a sort of electrical thrumming that goes straight to her head. She moves her hand, wandering up to James’ bicep, pulling herself even closer to him on the blanket.

Their thighs collide, Lily’s hand traveling upwards to James’ hair, fingers digging into the back of his hair. James makes a noise, curling his hand around Lily’s hip, squeezing as he continues to press his lips against hers. Lily leaves her mouth open, just slightly, invitingly and James doesn’t hesitate. He slips his tongue along her open mouth, letting it glide wetly against her own before again, nipping at her lip.

Lily makes a noise that she refuses to call a moan, but it’s loud enough that the two of them break apart. They gaze at one another, wide-eyed and breathing heavily, their foreheads touching. Lily’s lipstick has almost certainly vanished, but she can’t seem to mind, her lips pulling out in a wide, Cheshire-cat grin. James smiles back and kisses her once more, and though it’s mostly just teeth against teeth, it still sends shivers down her spine.

For a few moments, they just sit there, arms still entangled with one another. Lily smiles to herself, reaching for the bowl of treacle tart and a spoon. She digs into it, James’ hand rubbing up and down at her waist lightly. She turns to him, hazel eyes still a bit smudged behind his glasses and offers her spoon to him. He opens his mouth immediately, taking the full scoop of the treat. 

Lily laughs, suddenly reminded of something. “D’you remember that book you recommended to me?” It was almost exactly a year ago when they’d gone to Hogsmeade together for the first time, when his friends had teased him about his horrible taste in novels. “About the two people who didn’t know the other was a wizard?”

“Ah, a _Needless Secret_ , I remember it.” He says, nodding his head, reaching as much as he can around her to pick up the flask. He takes a quick swig, little droplets spilling from the corner of his mouth. Lily follows one until it crawls over the dip of his chin, disappearing under his neck until he brings a hand to swipe it away. “How come?”

“This just reminds me of the part where Roy takes Elizabeth out on a picnic by his magical village.” Lily explains, remembering reading that particular chapter one night under her covers. It had seemed so silly and far fetched, to go out onto a field, have a romantic picnic, watch the sunset. Seemed so silly, but is still such a James Potter move. 

Remembering what they’d come out to see, she tilts her head to the side to see the sun steadily creeping down the stands of the Quidditch field. She turns back to James, her hair hitting his shoulder to watch the golden light shine on his face. “Oh please, I’m not nearly as stuttering as Roy. And you’re nowhere as shy as Elizabeth.”

Lily laughs, “While that’s true, I was complimenting your romance.” She remembers another certain segment of the chapter and nudges James’ stomach with her elbow, cheekily suggesting, “Only thing this is missing is the flowers he had.”

“Are you fishing, Evans?” James asks, looking down at her fondly.

She shrugs innocently, “Unless you don’t think you _can_ conjure flowers—”

He holds an affronted hand to his chest, shifting her so that he can pull his wand from his back pocket. “You insult me.” He says, pointing his wand straight into Lily’s lap. She watches him close his eyes, the way he does whenever he does a simple charm, watches the golden light start to fade into a burnt orange, James’ glasses glinting in the light. 

“Sunflowers,” She says delightedly, touching the petals with delicate fingers. The flowers are large, the stems almost unreasonably long, but they’re a bright, Hufflepuff shade of yellow. “You remembered.”

He picks the bouquet off her lap, wiggling the stems so that the flowers brush her nose. “I’m gonna be a better boyfriend than Roy, mark my words.”

Lily swats the flowers away from her face, scrunching her nose. There's a soft pink mirth melting in her chest like candy floss on a summer's day. “It’s looking that way.” 

He nods sincerely, sticking his lower lip out in the most adorable pout she’s ever seen. “Now that I’ve done something for you—”

“James…” She sighs though she can feel her heart melting. “Anything but that.”

“Anything?” He says, shifting so that he’s much closer to her than before, his voice pitched low, his eyebrows raised. 

Lily lifts the flowers off the blanket, smacking the side of his face with them. “Get your mind out of the gutter, Potter.”

James sighs dramatically, leaning his head to rest on her shoulder. “Alright _fine_ , we don’t _have_ to go. We can just sit here. In the grass. Like a pair of old people. Old, boring people who have nothing better to do than—”

“Oh my God, you’re so dramatic.” She laughs, looking down at the little dimple in his cheeks. He can’t even _pretend_ to be serious for a few moments. “Five minutes.”

“Oh I’ll take it.” James says, immediately jumping to his feet, sad puppy routine abandoned. Lily nods her head, letting him pull her to her feet, purposely tugging too hard so she collides with him. 

She pouts at him as he turns around to pick up his Comet. He swings his leg over the broomstick, gesturing behind him. She groans loudly, but obeys approaching slowly. She places a hand on his shoulder, carefully swinging one leg around before dropping both hands around his waist. 

James kicks off the ground the instant her hands lock together without any warning. Her hair whirls around her, careful curls tangling as they zip into the air. Her stomach flips like she’s on a rollercoaster and she’s suddenly relieved she didn’t end up eating too much. They’re hardly even three meters in the air, but Lily instinctively wants the broomstick to move downwards. “See this isn’t so bad, is it? Nothing to be scared about.”

“I’m never _scared_ of flying,” Lily protests, stomach churning as James raises them higher and higher in the air. She stares hard at the ground, at their forgotten picnic and tries to will them lower. “I just know it’ll end in disaster.”

“Not while I’m here.“ James replies, turning his head a little so she can watch him wink. “Easy, Evans, don’t try and fly from the back.”

“Sorry! I don’t like being out of control.” She admits, squeezing her hands around him a little tighter. If they were anywhere else, she’d take the chance to revel in how close together they are, but she’s more occupied with how high James is going. They’re almost at the height of the goalposts. 

“No wonder you’re bad at flying.” He mutters under his breath. “Here, just focus on how muscular I am.”

“Oh trust me, at least fifty percent of my attention is there.” Lily admits, moving one of her hands so that she can squeeze his bicep. He lets out a bark of laughter, making the broomstick lurch forward. She makes a squeaking of a noise, but is quickly distracted when he turns them around smoothly. “Oh wow, you can see the whole castle from up here!”

The sun is setting slowly, its’ rays hitting the castle with brilliant, red beams. Some of the towers are still a burning orange, the whole thing looking like painter’s palette. 

“Pretty, isn’t it?” James says, so softly, so carefully, so much like a boy out of a book that she already knows what he’s thinking. 

“You better not be looking at me when you say that.” Lily says, not turning to look at him, though she feels his gaze on her. 

“Stop ruining all my lines.” He laughs in her ear, all booming and brilliant. “Lily! Stop trying to steer please.”

“It’s a reflex, I can’t help it!” She exclaims, finally tearing her gaze away from the sinking sun. 

James rolls his eyes and she can’t see him, but she’s sure he is. “You better hold on, I’m about to take us over the lake and if you try and steer, that’s a one way trip to the Giant Squid.”

“I _have_ missed him so.” Lily answers, squeezing her hands around his waist as tightly as he can. She can smell the vague musk of his cologne and and feel the laughter bubbling out of him, vibrating against her hands. The feeling of him being so obviously and completely happy almost makes her forget the swooping in her stomach.


	27. a guilty conscience

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so so so sorry for such a late update ! My laptop broke and I've been writing this on my phone, so it's been taking a lot longer. That combined with the semester has really delayed my update. I'll try to do it sooner for the next chapter !

The closest James has ever gotten to walking on air is the few seconds right after he falls off his broom, before the panic sets in. It’s pure exhilaration, electricity thrumming up his spine, elation like he’s never felt before. Being Lily Evans’ boyfriend is something like that. 

It’s only been a month, but slowly his favorite part of the day has become curling up with Lily on their Heads’ sofa with her cat (since named Darcy, after some bloke in a Muggle novel, though James thought he was supposed to be handsome and this cat is very much  _ not _ ). Though dating her doesn’t come with an onslaught of new manners and expectations, there’s something just slightly different about them being together. Lily doesn’t hesitate much anymore, dives right in with her affection for him like she’s brimming with it. He’s the first person she tells when she gets an A on her Transfiguration essay and he’s the one who helps her on the next one too. 

For someone who’s never really had a shortage of love in his life, always having a wide selection of friends and family to go to whenever he wants, he finds there was always a missing piece. Though he’s known Lily for ages, he can’t help wishing he’d known her his whole life. When he’d told her for the first time, she’d turned a brilliant shade of pink and said though she couldn’t turn back time, they still had an entire lifetime left. 

It’s moments like this that make him feel as though he’s walking on air.

“You know you don’t have to ask before you can kiss me right?” Lily tells him over breakfast one day, taking a sneaky bite of the toast he’s holding in the air. 

Startled out of his thoughts he turns to her. She’s looking at him with one elbow on the table, already having her bag slung over her shoulder. Her Runes homework is still on the table, fresh ink drying as her quill threatens to fall off the table. “What?” He says dumbly. 

“Whenever we’re around other people,” She explains, once she’s swallowed, “not our friends, you just hesitate.”

James furrows his eyebrows. “Well, yeah,” He says, reaching out to grab the slice of toast back. He takes a bite, enjoying the taste of strawberry jam. “I figure you wouldn’t want me to just snog you in the middle of the Great Hall.”

Lily makes a face, pushing her hair off her shoulder. “I’m not saying  _ snog  _ me in the middle of breakfast, but one kiss wouldn’t kill you.”

James turns to her, making a smug grin rise to his features as he leans closer to her. “If you want me to kiss you, Evans, you just have to ask.”

“And here I thought I just did.” She says, leaning closer to him. James laughs a little, definitely splattering a little bit of spit on her face, but she doesn’t do anything but wrinkle her nose. She tilts her chin out invitingly and what’s a man to do other than drop his toast and oblige his beautiful girlfriend? He leans closer, pressing a quick kiss and he swears he always tries to make it quick, but it never really works out.

Lily shifts a hand over his on the breakfast table, a light touch, but a clear demand to stay in place. He presses a little harder against her, and smiles halfway into the kiss, refusing to open his mouth, and pulls away. “You’re going to scare the children.” He tells her, positive there’s a bit of gloss on his lips. 

Lily just shrugs, “They should close their eyes.” 

James grins at her, turning his face back to the front, pointedly ignoring Sirius’ gagging. He looks straight past his friend, having a very clear and unwanted view of the Slytherin table. It seems luck is not in his favor because he makes direct eye contact with one Severus Snape. James is sure that two tables away the other boy is feeling the same bubblings of anger that he is, but he’s pretty sure there’s something a little more sinister in Snape. His black eyes are cold and flat, but even from this far James can tell his hand is clenched into a fist. Isn’t it funny that he spends his whole Hogwarts career turning his ugly nose up at all things Muggle, but his very first response to anything at all is making a fist?

Mary shifts next to him, bumping his elbow and knocking James’ gaze away from Snape. He tunes back into the conversation around him, Lily already standing up. “D’you want me to hand in that Charms essay for you tomorrow?” She’s saying to Remus, easy smile on her face.

“What?” Remus answers, still poking away at his eggs, having hardly taken a bite. 

Swinging her leg over the bench, she replies, “To be honest, I don’t think Flitwick would mind if you turned it in late, but I thought I’d offer.” James watches as Remus stiffens, his whole body going taut. It’s subtle enough that he doubts Lily even notices, if her smile is anything to go by. “I’ve got to run, Xyphilia will have my head if I’m late to Runes again,” She turns to James, squeezing his shoulder, “And that’s why you’re not allowed to walk me again.”

James nods, doing his best to smile though he’s still hyper-aware of the way Remus’ face has gone ghostly white. “I’ll see you around, Lil.” She nods, shifting her bag a little on her shoulder, her and Mary descending down the Great Hall. James doesn’t watch her go. “Remus—”

“She  _ knows _ .” He hisses the second she’s out of earshot. Sirius and Peter both lean closer from where they’re sitting across the table. “She knew I wasn’t going to be in class tomorrow.” Remus swallows once then twice like he’s trying to choke on his panic. “I can’t—”

“Are you deaf, Moony?” Sirius interrupts callously, dropping his fork down with a clatter and a rolling of his eyes. James turns his gaze to him, already knowing the words that are going to come out of his mouth. “She said she’ll hand in your essay for you, clearly she’s not screaming in terror.”

“You don’t understand,” Remus says back, gripping his fork so tightly that his knuckles are about ten shades lighter than the rest of his skin. “She could—she could—”

“She’s a Muggle-born,” James interrupts before Remus has a chance to continue. He turns his gaze onto James, gold eyes wide with worry. “And normally, I’d never pull that card, but in this case it really makes sense. She hasn’t grown up hearing all that rubbish about werewolves, she’s not going to automatically hate you.”

“She’s been in the wizarding world for seven years now,” Remus responds slowly, dumbly as though he’s talking to a child. “It’s long enough to learn those fears.”

“That’s as long of a time as she’s known you, Remus.” Peter tells him, leaning so far across the table he spills his cup of pumpkin juice. It soaks into his and Sirius’ sleeves, but neither of them seem to care, or even notice. 

“We can just  _ ask  _ her,” Sirius responds, meeting James’ eyes.

“Just go up to her,” Remus replies, eyes comically wide now, saying the words with a morbid sort of cheer, “and ask if she’s afraid of werewolves?”

“I’m not,” A voice says cheerfully behind them. 

James sees the exact moment realization sets in Remus’ eyes because it’s the same face he makes before he vomits out a night of alcoholism and bad choices. He’s pretty sure if Remus had eaten any of his breakfast it would be dripping out of his mouth by now. 

“I forgot my quill,” Lily says, casually leaning over and plucking the forgotten thing from the table. Its tips are coated in spilled pumpkin juice, but she hardly looks like she cares. There’s worry etched in the green of her eyes, her spare hand absently curling a strand of hair around her index finger. “Remus,” she starts, then swallows abruptly, meets James’ eyes for a split second. He nods imperceptibly, knowing in his bones that Lily Evans is a lot of things, but a bigot is not one of them. 

“Lily,” Remus manages to finally choke out. He’s turned halfway around in his seat. James’ arm is resting on his shoulder, though he doesn’t even remember putting it there. “You’re going to be late to Runes,” He says weakly.

“I’m sorry,” Lily says sincerely. James watches from the corner of his eye as the words hit Sirius and Peter, the both of them stiffening immediately. Though fear and disgust is the worst possible response one could have to finding out Remus’ secret, pity is a close second. James flickers his eyes away for just a second, willing Sirius to meet his gaze, trying to get across  _ just wait _ . Lily touches Remus’ shoulder gently, sliding into the seat next to him. If she’s self-conscious under everyone’s gaze, she doesn’t show it. “I tried not to figure it out.”

“ _ Tried not to _ —” Remus strangles out, his whole body taut like a bowstring. 

“Er—” Lily’s eyes shift towards James. He nods slightly, as subtly encouraging as he can be. “Severus—well, he had the theory, so it was already in the back of my mind. He kept talking about it, but I never wanted to check because well, I didn’t want to invade your privacy.”

Peter stops trying to emanate an intimidating aura, his blue eyes clear with shock. The suspicion doesn’t fade though, his gaze flittering protectively to Remus for a moment. “You’re… not scared?” He asks, voicing the question that Remus is still too terrified to.

“No,” Lily says quietly, but she’s not looking at Peter. Her gaze is fixed unflinchingly at Remus. James watches her hand twitch, knows that she wants to reach out and touch him, comfort him, but doesn’t know if she can. “But, Remus,” Lily says, squaring her shoulders, “You deserve more than that. It shouldn’t be enough that I’m just  _ not scared _ .”

“The world isn’t all sunshine and rainbows, Evans,” Sirius interrupts aggressively. He stares at her with a burning intensity that James is sure, would reduce a lesser man to a puddle. 

“I know,” Lily replies calmly, not bothering to turn away from Remus. “I still don’t think it’s naive of me to think that you deserve better. The world can be a horrible place, full of horrible people, but that’s not all there is out there. There are good people too; you’re lucky enough to have three of the best as your closest friends. I just don’t think you should accept that they’re the only ones that are ever going to love you.”

James feels his cheeks going taut with the force of his smile. Remus’ mouth has fallen clean open, like a fish out of water. “Wha—what?” He says breathlessly. “Lily…” Remus isn’t much of a crier, James has only seen tears in his friend’s golden eyes one time; in second year when they figured out his secret. He hasn’t forgotten the signs; the shaking of his hands, the deep breaths he takes, the quivering of his lips. Even sitting almost to his back, James can see the corner of Remus’ eyes, damp with tears. 

Lily sees it too, eyes sharp and observant. She doesn’t stretch out for a hug, just moves her hand from her lap to place on top of his. It’s the slightest touch, but Remus lets out a great, quivering breath. Simultaneously, Sirius, Peter and even, James who hadn’t even realized, let out a sigh of relief. 

/

James and Remus head off to Care of Magical Creatures after breakfast is over, a noticeable spring in their step. “Aren’t you going to start gushing about how brilliant Lily is?” 

James looks at him as they push through the throngs of lost first year students. He doesn’t remember still being so lost in  _ February _ . “Oi!” He shouts, “Where are you lot headed?”

Instantaneously the noise dies down. That’s one of the big perks of being Head Boy, people tended to quiet down when James had something to say. A tiny, quivering girl from Hufflepuff steps forward. She has pigtails reaching the top of her skirt and her fingers anxiously curls around them as she speaks, “Tr—transfiguration.”

James smiles at her, stepping backwards as far as he can in the crowd and stretches his arm out towards the left. “It’s down this corridor. Make a left and then once you reach the boys’ lavatory, make another left. McGonagall usually leaves the door open.” The girl gives one stiff nod, still not making eye-contact and starts to move that way. All at once, movement resumes, the crowd of first years following their leader down the corridor. Remus snorts next to him, tugging his sleeve to keep him from smiling smugly in the doorway. “What were you saying?”

“You’re not going to  _ fawn  _ over Lily?” Remus asks, eyes fond, with none of the usual tiredness that usually accompanies.

“No,” James says, bumping their shoulders together, “I’m happy that she, you know, accepted you, but I’m not really surprised. I knew she would.”

They resume their walking, descending down the corridor towards one of the exits closest to the pathway to the Forest. “I wish I could have your optimism sometimes.”

“She’s right, you know.” James says sincerely, “You deserve more than the bare minimum. You know that the bigots who are afraid of you and hate you are disgusting and just plain  _ wrong _ .”

“So, what?” Remus says amused, “I should stop validating them by agreeing?”

“Yeah, smartass.” James says, bumping their shoulders together once more, though it’s much more aggressive this time. “Stop accepting the shit people give you and start chucking it back at them.”

“This is such ridiculous advice,” Remus says, though he’s smiling. James can catalogue this in the exasperated, but fond category. “I’m happy you found someone who believes in things the way you do.”

James feels his Lily-smile rise to his lips. It’s a rarity in this world, he knows, to believe there is still good and beauty in the world. His friends had always sort of brushed off his burning optimism, never quite disagreed, but never quite agreed either. It had been fine to have them accept it, but it is another thing altogether, to find someone who believes the way he does. 

“Me too.” James admits, “I  _ really  _ like her, Remus.”

“I couldn’t tell.” Remus snorts, “We bordering on love now, Prongs?”

James’ cheeks flame immediately, throat dry with the thought of voicing his feelings. Before he has a chance to sputter anything out though—

“How sweet,” A nasally voice greets to their left. Instantly, James’ hand jumps to his back pocket, fingers closing around his wand. He twists around to land his eyes on Severus Snape, smiling coldly in front of them. 

“What d’you want, Snivellus?” James asks, hoping to Merlin  _ and  _ Morgana that this simple interaction won’t turn into a corridor duel. He  _ knew  _ there was something suspicious about the way Snape was looking at him this morning after he’d kissed Lily. 

“ _ James _ ,” Remus presses, hand closing around his shoulder, “We should get to class.”

“Lily—”

“Don’t talk about her,” James spits, unwilling to hear any slander about her come from someone she used to love. 

Snape grips his wand in his hand, grip almost as tight as the clenching of his jaw. “Feeling protective? Two months and you think she needs you to defend her?”

“I—I never said that.” James responds, blood rushing to his head instantaneously. “Lily can more than handle herself. I don’t need to tell  _ you  _ that.”

“You think you’re so much better than me, Potter.” Snape hisses, a flush rising to his palid cheeks. “You’ve got her convinced that you’re this  _ changed  _ person, but I know the truth.”

James’ vision tints a few shades darker as Snape’s words trigger the thoughts he prefers to keep to himself. His grip on his wand gets tighter as Remus’ hand squeezes his shoulder. He focuses on that motion, thinks about Lily with her disappointed, green eyes and wills himself not to lift his wand. “You don’t know anything about me and Lily.” James spits, watching as Snape leans carefully against the stone wall. 

“I know that you have to  _ try  _ and keep her around.” He responds, voice brimming with excitement, rising off the wall, a barely there smile in his voice. “She would never choose to be around someone like you. You’re faking it.”

James’ hand shakes, “Fuck you, Snape.” He growls and doesn’t give himself another moment to think, lifting his wand arm high in the air. “Expelliarmus!”

Snape ducks out of the way, clearly prepared for the spell, manic grin on his pale face. He’s on the ground, but his movements are lightning quick as though he practices his dueling. “STUPEFY!”

“PROTEGO!” Remus bellows, white, shimmering shield appearing in front of James. Through the sheen, James stares at Snape; hazel eyes meeting black ones. There is so much hatred coursing through James, but Snape’s words make him question who exactly it’s directed at. “Have you lost your mind, Prongs? You’re  _ Head Boy _ !”

“I know, Remus!” James snaps back, shoving the shield away with a tackle to Remus’ wand arm. He focuses his eyes on Snape, pointing squarely at his skinny chest. “STUPEFY!”

The spell hits him, red sparks lighting up the hallway. Snape collides with the stone wall with a loud crack. For a moment, the air is still like the few moments before a hurricane hits. James and Remus creep forwards, wands held protectively in front of them. Snape is nothing more than a puddle of black robes.

Then in an instant, a pale hand flies into view. “Sectum—”

“Impedimenta!” Remus casts, simultaneously shoving James down the corridor. “Now, run, you idiot!”

The two of them start to sprint down the corridor, mindlessly shoving past groups of people, going in the complete opposite direction of the courtyard exist they need to take. How had Snape been able to read his mind, read his fears so well? Had they stopped being in his head and burst into reality so vividly that anyone could spot them? Eventually they reach the Charms classroom, a group of fifth year Ravenclaws scurrying past them to get inside. They can hear Flitwick tutting at them for being late. 

James coughs, unreasonably tired for such a short duel. It used to exhilarate him, so why are his bones tired all of a sudden? “I—”

“What is the matter with you?” Remus interrupts, panting once they collapse against the wall. “Why would you  _ do  _ that?”

“I don’t know!” James exclaims, sliding down the wall until he’s sitting on the floor.n “He has a talent for getting under my skin.”

“You’ve got to stop letting him!” Remus chastises, sitting down next to him, breaths coming out faster than they should. The approaching full moon tires him out faster and instantly James feels even shittier than he had moments ago. “He’s spouting bullshit and you know it. You’re not faking anything.”

“You don’t know that!” James protests, feeling as though his entire body is going to burst. He flexes his grip on his wand, fingers feeling like they’ve been glued there. 

“What? Of course I know that!” Remus says, bewildered.

James scowls, shaking his wand back and forth between his fingers. “Let’s… let’s just go to class. I don’t want to fucking think about Snivellus anymore.”

Remus takes a deep breath, heaving himself to his feet. He turns to give James a mostly unreadable look. “James, you shouldn’t—”

“—have started that fight, I know.” He snaps back, waving his hand in the air. “Ten points from Gryffindor.”

“That’s not what I was going to say.” Remus says quietly, offering him a hand to help him stand. James doesn’t hesitate to grasp it, pulling himself to his feet, though he doesn’t say another word until they arrive fifteen minutes late to Professor Grubbly-Plank’s lesson. 

/

James knows what he should do; getting some advice from Sirius, maybe even discuss things with his dad, communicate with his girlfriend, all of that would be a great place to start. But he’s never quite been good at doing what he’s supposed to. 

“Madam Puddifoot’s?” Lily repeats incredulously. “That’s where you think we should go for Valentine’s Day?”

Marlene wrinkles her nose from Emmeline’s lap. “Are you the same guy who gave Lily a kitten for Christmas?” Before James has a chance to even open his mouth, she continues, “Because Puddifoot’s is shit.”

As if on cue, Darcy meows softly in Lily’s lap, turning his face up to rub near her stomach. “It’s not  _ that _ bad,” Emmeline interjects as Marlene makes a face at her. James sinks back further into the crease of the Gryffindor sofa, Lily’s head on his shoulder and Marlene’s legs on his laps. “Yasmin and I went there once, it was rather lovely.”

James is hardly registering the conversation, mind a million miles away, remembering how his wand had felt stuck to his fingers as he cursed Snape. When he was younger it had felt victorious, felt unreasonably good to curse Snape, embarrass him. But now, it turns his stomach, threatens to choke him.

Marlene makes another face, “No offense, Em, but you’re easy to please.”

“And I’m hard to please?” Lily interrupts, flicking Marlene’s legs with the tips of her fingers. 

“Harder to please than Emmeline, for sure,” Marlene snorts, “When’re you guys headed out?” James stares absently at the roaring fire of the Gryffindor common room, wondering if his Head Boy badge would melt if he threw it in there. “Helloooo? James?”

“What?” He startles, turning to face the girls, Marlene looking at him unimpressed as Lily stares at him with an unreadable gaze. “In a few minutes, if you’re ready?” James asks, turning slightly to Lily some more. She arches her brow. She’s wearing a loose pink dress, pattered with lots of flowers and her hair is pulled back with a white scrunchie. “Right, of course you are. Shall we, then?”

“Lucky we have a Hogsmeade visit on Valentine’s day.” Emmeline says absently, running her fingers through Marlene’s hair. 

“Luck’s got nothing to do with it,” James declares, pushing Marlene’s feet off his lap and rising. He offers Lily a hand which she gently accepts after releasing Darcy to the crowded maze of the Gryffindor common room. “I made sure of it on the off chance Evans would go out with me.”

“How romantic,” She says dryly, pulling his hand, making him move a few steps forward. She wiggles her other hand at her friends as they walk towards the portrait hole. 

“That’s me,” James says, pulling away his hand to wrap his arm around her shoulders. “There’s no way Puddifoot’s can be  _ that  _ bad.”

/

“See,” James says, taking a sip of his burning hot chocolate, “It’s not  _ that _ bad.”

Lily laughs at her, shaking confetti out of her hair, their legs bumping together in the crowded restaurant. “You could say that.”

Madam Pudifoot was definitely designed by someone who was under the effects of a love potion. There’s no way a person who has ever actually been in love would think that crowded tables and flying cupids would be romantic. Then again, with Lily laughing so prettily, pink confetti stuck in her dark curls is pretty damn romantic.

“You know who I can see coming in here?” James asks, sliding over his hot chocolate with a loud screeching that brings the attention of the table next to them, occupied by some Ravenclaws who are definitely on a first date. 

“Peter?” Lily offers, taking up the delicate tea cup in her fingers. 

James lets out a snort, “No, although that’s definitely true.” He kicks her under the table, making her kick back until they’re both just obnoxiously shoving one another, definitely bruising their shins. “Your sister.”

Lily lets out a laugh as James yelps in response to a particularly rough kick. “Oh Merlin, you are so right.” She tilts her head down, taking another sip of the hot chocolate, a subtle stiffness to her movements. “I’m pretty sure this is going to be the theme of their wedding.”

“What do you think about me wearing a pink suit?” James offers, getting shoved into the wall of the booth they’re in by a bustling waitress. 

“Only if you wear matching pink shoes,” Lily responds easily, getting a little bit of whipped cream on the tip of her nose. 

“Have I ever told you how brilliant you are?” James laughs fondly, stretching forward to swipe the whipped cream off his nose. He licks the tip of his thumb as she wrinkles her nose at the movement. 

“Once or twice,” Lily responds. She smiles down at the table, extending her index finger to the rip of their cup, circling it over and over. She kicks him once more under the table, “So…”

There’s something about the tone of her voice that sends his stomach into flutters. Guiltily his mind reminds him of all the fights he’s been having with Snape and very deliberately keeping them from Lily. He stiffens slightly, trying to bring up an easy smile. “Yes?”

Lily continues to circle her finger around the teacup all dramatically. She lifts her gaze, dark eyelashes fluttering in sync with his stomach. “Remember when I said you should stop asking when you want to kiss me?”

James lets out a sigh of relief and it must show because Lily kicks him under the table once more. “I do remember. I’ve stopped doing it, haven’t I?”

“You have.” She says, nodding her head, curling a finger around a strand of her hair. He squints at her, liking the devious look in her eyes, somehow making her look more alluring than usual. “But, you’ve been such a gentleman.”

“Don’t sound too happy about it.” He snorts, stealing back his teacup to drain the rest of the hot chocolate. 

“Why haven’t you copped a feel?” She bursts out finally, loud enough that the Ravenclaws next to them start laughing.

“Copped a—have you gone mad?” James chokes, his cheeks heating up. He gives a warning and pointed glance at the Ravenclaws who immediately look away from them. He lowers his voice, pressing even closer to Lily enough that their thighs knock together. “You—you  _ want  _ me to? Lily?”

“Of course I do!” Lily exclaims, waving her hands in the air. She squints suspiciously at him, stretching her hand across the table to tap aggressively on his nose. “Do you have crazy self-restraint or am I just too bundled up in the winter?” She pauses, lowering her voice, “You do like me, right?”

James drops his jaw, abruptly standing up and extending a hand. “I’ll show you how much I like you!” He half-yells, pulling Lily out of their crowded booth. Her laugh echoes behind them as he tugs her out of the restaurant into the alley next to the restaurant, pressing her against it firmly. 

The snow outside is descending softly, flecks of it sticking to Lily’s eyebrows and eyelashes. James runs as fast as he can without looking ridiculous, their boots kicking snow into the air as he presses her against the brick wall, solidly out of view of any stragglers. He shifts his hands to her waist, dress thin enough for him to feel the curves of her body. It’s a marvel she doesn’t get cold.

“Wait,” Lily says softly, pressing a quick hand to his chest, extending her chin up so she can look into his eyes. Snow flecks down onto his glasses, leaving water droplets in their wake. “You’re… okay right?”

“Yeah,” James lies through his teeth, “Never better.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please leave a comment, it'll motivate me to write even faster


	28. my poor heart aflame

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know the gaps between updates are longer than before, please forgive me !!

“Lily,” James presses, shaking her slightly to the sound of her groans. She’s curled up in the cocoon of blankets of James’ four poster bed, her red hair flared out around her. “You’ve got to wake up.”

“Five more minutes,” She grumbles, stretching out her hands blindly in front of her until they collide with his face. Adding more smudges to his glasses, she shoves him pointedly backwards.

“I’ll give you one.” James offers, laughing and pulling his face away from her. He shifts slightly from how he’s sitting cross-legged on his bed. 

“That’s so mean,” She mutters under her breath, pulling the blankets tighter around her. “After all that I did for you.”

James smiles to himself, remembering how Lily had snuck up to the boys’ dorm at the stroke of midnight to wish him a happy birthday with a hastily made Cauldron Cake. They’d intended to only spend an hour together, but one turned into two and then three and before they knew it the entire night was passing. It’s hard to tell your girlfriend to leave when you very much want her to stay. 

He looks over at his bed stand, at the glittering wrappings of his birthday present. She’d given him a series of truly horrendous looking Muggle novels and a, well-worn journal of Lily’s favorite poems that she’d painstakingly copied down. They’d taken turns reading out passages from one of the books titled  _ Insatiable Love _ , ridiculous accents echoing in the bubble of their  _ Muffliato  _ charm. Lily’s impressions of the female protagonists sounded rather a lot like how he remembers Petunia’s voice to be. And when they finally stopped laughing, they had somehow turned to kissing. He’s eighteen and wildly enamored with his girlfriend, it’s hardly surprising that he made the best out of what he’d been given.

There’s a rustling behind them, followed by loud groans, the tell-tale signs of Peter hobbling out of bed. “Lily,” he says again, extending a hand to push knotted strands of hair out of her eyes, “Please get up, we’ve got Charms in an hour.”

Lily’s eyes flutter open, squinting blearily at him with a pout. “I hate you, James Potter.”

“Don’t we all, Evans?” A loud voice calls from their right as the curtain next to Lily is torn open. Wildly, Lily pulls James’ covers to the tips of her chin, though her nightie still covers the vast majority of her skin. She tugs so hard that James shifts from his seat, yelping wildly. Sirius looks at the two of them with a grin that can only be described as shit-eating. “Had fun last night?”

“Shut up, Sirius.” Lily groans, swatting her hand in the air again. 

“Wow, awfully tired this morning,” Sirius remarks playfully, picking up his towel off his bed and slinging it around his shoulders. “Do anything fun?”

“Lay off, Sirius,” Peter squeaks from behind James.

“Big talk for someone whose initials are P.P.” Sirius snorts, leaning over to flick Lily’s forehead. He winks at James as he makes his way to the bathroom, making his cheeks flare a Gryffindor red. 

“This is why I thought it would be wise to get out of bed sooner,” James turns back to Lily who rolls her eyes. “Woah, your neck!”

The blanket that she’d been hiding herself with has slipped down her shoulder. The strap of her nightie falls with it, leaving exposed pale skin in the burning light streaming in from their dorm window. Just over the junction of her two collar bones, rests a large reddish bruise. Lily touches it with careful fingers, wrinkling her nose as she does. “Nice one,” She says dryly, before looking pointedly behind him at Peter who is staring.

James glares at Peter who jumps on his bed, scurrying towards the bathroom without another word. “It was dark!” He says defensively, though he’s rather pleased with how big the bruise is. 

“I’ll have Mary put some makeup on it,” She says offhandedly, pulling her hair to one side, covering the bruise. She raises her gaze back up to him, “Speaking of marks… what’re those big lines on your hip?”

James’ eyes fall down to the spot in question, though of course he is fully dressed now. Still, he stares at the belt at his waist, digging into his trousers and skin alike. The wounds have long since healed, only faded scars now. “Cut by a branch when I was like… twelve?” He says, upturning his voice as though he’s trying to remember. 

Lily nods, though her green eyes flicker down to his waist as though trying to burn a hole in his pants and his lie. “Alright, if you say so.” She says, pulling the strap of her nightie securely back on her shoulder. 

James tries to smile at her convincingly though he knows he must be doing a bad job. Though Lily is now privy to Remus’ secret, a real gift considering her Charms’ notes are much better than the rest of them combined, she still doesn’t know James’ secret. Lily’s usually pretty lax about all the school rules they’ve broken over the years, but he isn’t too sure what she’d say if she knew they’d broken a  _ law  _ by becoming unregistered Animagi.

“D’you want the cloak?” James offers finally, shifting off the bed as Lily does the same.

“Why?” She asks, putting her hands on her hips. James’ eyes flicker down to her thin nightie, the bruise on her neck, the tangles in her hair. It’s a painfully attractive image, only accentuated by the sparkle in her eyes, the playful way she grins at him. “Don’t want anyone to know you’ve had me up here?”

“Please,” James snorts, “I’d shout it off the Astronomy tower if I thought you wouldn’t kill me for it.”

Lily laughs gently, “Alright, cocky. I’ll take that cloak.” She makes her way around the bed, not bothering to be quiet now that the room is empty. She presses a quick kiss to his cheek, “Wouldn’t want anyone to think I’m besmirching your honor or anything.”

James chuckles heartily, plucking the Invisibility Cloak from the pile it’s become under his bed. “Can’t have that.” He agrees, thrusting it into her arms. She smiles, putting it around her shoulders, tucking the hood over her hair until she is squarely out of sight. Though he can’t see her, James extends his hand blindly, landing halfway on her back and bum till he can guide her out of the dorm. He pulls the ornate door handle open, “I’ll see you at breakfast, Evans.”

Lily’s head makes an appearance once more, red curls frizzy as she nods. “Happy Birthday, Potter,” She wishes, pulling him down to kiss him searingly on the mouth.

/

“Can I tell you guys something serious?” James asks quietly, staring up at the bottom of the Quidditch stands, where not too long ago he had carved their motto. 

The four of them are sprawled out under the stands, their usual spot, though Lily’s navy blanket, still embroidered with James’ silly stars, lays underneath him and Sirius. It’s strange, for boys who are usually so jittery and ready to run, this is their favorite place at Hogwarts. Part of it is definitely that they’re still recovering from their night of wild drinking and partying for James’ birthday the previous night. But there’s still something beautiful about being out here. The gentle breeze of the field grass, the creaks of the wood in the wind, the shade under the stands.

Of course, these are things they’d come to appreciate over the years. The first time they’d ever ventured out here was when they’d pulled their very first prank together (putting a permanent sticking charm on the boys’ lavotry’s toilets, very immature, he knows) and had to run away from Flitwick’s wrath. They’d felt the beginnings of camaraderie that day and it’s only burned brighter since. 

“You’re not dying are you?” Peter mumbles out, leaning against one of the sturdy posts of the stands. His blue shirt is hastily tucked into the waistband of his trousers, his blonde hair ruffling in the wind. It’s longer than it’s ever been, covering his ears almost completely. 

“Merlin, Pete,” James rolls his eyes, tossing the wad of pulled out grass at him. “No.”

“So what is it?” Remus asks, sitting cross-legged next to Peter with an expression of mild amusement. He’s wearing the coat that James had gotten him last Christmas, considerably warmer than the one he used to wear. Which is good because Remus tends to get dreadfully cold once the warmer months fade away. 

James shifts on the blanket, sitting up so he can stare at the Quidditch field with his legs crossed together. He takes a deep, stuttering breath. “I love Lily.”

Sirius doesn’t miss a beat. “Never knew that, thanks for sharing, mate.”

James shoves Sirius on the blanket, jostling half off the fabric. His grin doesn’t dim, but he does sit up and bat his eyes at James. “No, you tossers.” James protests, knowing that Remus and Peter must have the matching exasperation on their faces as Sirius. “I mean, really love her, like a forever kind of love.”

Sirius and Remus exchange a look, the former breaking out into laughter as the latter just allows his lips to twitch. “I feel like this explanation didn’t help anything, we knew that too.” Remus says, with effort not to let his amusement show. James appreciates the effort.

“It’s written all over your face, Prongs.” Peter says gently, nodding along. 

“Have you told her yet?” Remus asks in an attempt to take James seriously.

“No,” James sighs, ripping out more grass from the field and letting it fly from his fingers. Funny, he usually hates it when he notices other people doing that. “Though I ought to get around to it one of these days.”

“Afraid she isn’t going to say it back?” Sirius jokes, pinning James with a simple glance. There’s a thin layer of  _ something  _ in his words, that inkling of  _ knowing  _ but James doesn’t let himself acknowledge it. 

“Wha—no!” He yelps, “She will.” He glances nervously at his friends and lowers his voice. “She will, right?”

Peter shrugs his shoulders. “Probably.”

“I don’t see why not.” Remus offers, though none of this stop the bounding of James’ rapid heart.

There’s a short pause in which Sirius sits up, digging his boots into the hard ground of the Quidditch field. James watches the March breeze card through his hair, long enough to be skimming his shoulders now. He glances over at James, “Evans is really putting a stopper to all our bachelor pad plans after school ends.”

“Oi! I was never planning on living with you!” James protests, once again shoving Sirius to the sound of his laughter. Midway through, he cracks and starts snorting too. “Can’t just leave dad on his own.”

Remus rolls his eyes, “Don’t act as though you weren’t going to spend the majority of your time at Sirius’.”

“I still can!”

Peter, Remus and Sirius all exchange an incredulous look “I’ll give you a hundred Galleons,” Sirius says, grabbing his shoulder, “If you don’t move in with Evans within a year of graduating.”

James wrestles his hand out of his coat pocket and promptly spits on it. Sirius does the same, stretching his hand out until they clasp it together to the sound of a wet smack. “Oh you are so on, Padfoot.” James says assuredly. Bringing his hand back, not bothering to wipe the remnants of their spit. He turns to Remus, upturning his voice to sound vaguely casual. “Speaking of staying at Sirius’ flat… thought about it, Moony?”

Remus sighs as though he’s been expecting the question. Though he and Sirius have tried to bring it up on several different occasions, Remus hasn’t budged his opinion of living by himself and financing himself. Whether it’s stubborn pride or something sadder, James isn’t entirely sure.

“I figure if we’re all joining up with the Order, that’s going to be my job.” Remus explains, wringing his long fingers together. He meets James’ eyes, looking older and sadder than he has a right to at eighteen. “Considering, I can’t exactly be hired given the way people feel about werewolves, I’ve been thinking about maybe working in the Muggle world for some extra Sickles to pay for my own flat.”

“No!” James protests, launching himself off the blanket and straight in front of Remus. His trousers get muddy with the force of his movement into the grass. “Have you gone mad? At the peak of a war you want to venture out into the Muggle world?”

“What other choice has he got?” Peter interrupts timidly.

James doesn’t grace that with an answer though it grates on his nerves. “I’ll give you money!”

“ _ James _ …”

Sirius and James exchange a look. “Here we go again.” Sirius mutters under his breath, rocking back onto his elbows.

James throws his hands up into the air, wondering what Lily would say in this situation. “Don’t get your knickers in a twist, Remus.” He says, mostly to give himself a moment to think. He tilts his head back and forth, trying to communicate with Sirius through just their eyes. Sirius shrugs his shoulders and James turns back to Remus. “Think of it as a loan. And one day when the war is over and you get a wonderful job, you can start paying me back, alright?”

“But—”

Peter smiles slightly, stretching out his hand to pat Remus on the shoulder. “Quit while you’re ahead, mate.” Which redeems him from his earlier words.

Remus groans, knocking the back of his head onto the pole of the Quidditch stand. His eyes close as he shakes his head. “What did I ever do to deserve you lot as friends?”

“That better be a positive connotation I hear, Remus Lupin.” Sirius tuts.

Remus’ eyes flutter open, looking fondly down at the three of them. “It was.”

James looks back at him sagely. “Life dealt you a good hand when you met me and Sirius.” He thinks back to their first real interaction, at Remus’ terrified gaze that  _ almost  _ hid the iron underneath.

Remus makes a face, “Met is an understatement, you set my cloak on fire and then asked me to tell McGonagall that I did it myself.” He says it with such venom in his voice that Sirius and James immediately burst into laughter, gasping for breath.

“Didn’t you blame it on Lucius Malfoy?” Peter asks over the ruckus. 

“He was being a prick!” Remus says defensively, kicking whatever part of Sirius he can reach. His shoe collides with his elbow, making Sirius laugh even harder. 

James recovers enough to cough loudly, “That was the day we realized that you were pretty cool.”

“Thought we’d take ickle Remus Lupin under our wing.” Sirius says, finishing his sentence to a pride equivalent to a parent. 

“Thanks, really.” Remus says sardonically, turning to look at Peter with an apologetic smile. “I’m sorry for dragging you along, Pete.”

Peter’s chubby cheeks turn a little pink, mumbling quietly. “I’m not like you, Remus. I don’t pretend to not enjoy it.”

James coos at him, twisting over to clap Peter aggressively on his thigh. “What would you have done without us, Wormtail?”

“Probably failed all his classes.” Sirius says casually, making the rest of them roar with laughter. James feel the joy swell in his chest like a Muggle balloon. Even Remus joins in, though his laughter is a little less loud, a little less mean. 

“Shut up!” Peters yells shrilly, as they all struggle to get their laughter under control. “You know I’m worried about my NEWTs!”

Remus manages to recover first, saying with a strained voice, “We’ll help you study, don’t fret.”

Sirius rolls his eyes, kicking some mud and stray grass at Peter. It sticks to his trousers, little specks of dirt sticking to the fabric. “We’ve got your back, you idiot.”

James smiles at Peter, fondness bubbling in his chest like a simmering potion. “We’ll have it after NEWTs too. When we’re all in the Order.” And though he’s speaking to Peter, he means it for all of them. “We won’t let anything happen to you.”

/

“Lil,” James says to Lily, running his hands through the strands of hair that cascade over his lap. “Some of these are so depressing.”

He wiggles the journal Lily had gifted him, the leather cover worn under his fingers. The sun is setting over the castle on the hill, shimmering across the Great Lake like a glittering gold. The light shines over Lily’s face, the shadow of her nose stretching across her cheek like someone had carefully sketched it there. If he weren’t already so in love with Lily, an afternoon of reading poetry as the sun sets would have sealed his fate for good. 

“They’re romantic,” She tells him with a fondness disproportionate to how he must look to her, upside down down and nostrils on full display. “Just because they’re not your rubbish novels, doesn’t mean they’re depressing.”

James snorts, tapping her gently on the nose with the spine of the book. “You’ve got to be joking. The bloke who wrote Annabel Lee was definitely fucked in the head.”  _ That  _ was a depressing read, though it had started off rather enchanting.

Lily scowls at him, sitting up to glare at him. Her hair tumbles down her back, so much longer than it had been over the summer. “Edgar Allen Poe is a genius, even if some of his matter is a little dark.”

“ _ A little _ ?” James says disbelievingly, raising his back off the back of their tree. “He writes about sleeping in a tomb with his dead lover!”

“Which is romantic!” She protests, reaching out to smack him in the stomach.

“Or creepy!” He throws back, catching her wrist in a tight grip.

She crawls closer to him, knees covered with stockings. If she can’t use her strength, this is her favorite thing to do, James remembers, loosening his grip as she crawls into his lap. “It’s about loving someone even after they’ve died. Loving  _ beyond  _ death.” She tells him pointedly, placing her hands on his shoulders. 

James grins, dropping the book to his side to shift his hands to her waist, glad her peacoat is unbuttoned so he can press his hands onto the thin fabric of her shirt. “I’m all for that, but sleeping in a  _ tomb _ . Come on, Evans.”

Lily sighs dramatically, throwing her head back like she’s fed up with him. “I give up. All your rubbish novels can’t save you from the fact that you sir, are just Quidditch cups and stupid abs.”

James gapes, “That’s just mean! I’m more than just a good looking Chaser.” Lily opens her mouth to protest, but he wiggles his fingers, sticking them into the dip of her waist, making her let out a series of loud cackles.

She writhes in his lap, laughter being pulled out of her, flying hands hitting him in the shoulder and chin more than once. Her mouth opens so wide when she laughs, eyes crinkling with tears in her mirth. She doesn’t scream at him to stop which is his favorite part about tickling her, just aggressively shoves at his hands until finally he stops. “Who said you were good looking?” She pants, clearly wanting to have the last word.

James shakes his head at her, “That’s foul. I have on good authority that you think I’m very good looking.” Lily starts to laugh, that adorable chip in her tooth making an appearance far too many times that evening. James can’t hold himself back, pulling her a little closer to him, pressing his mouth firmly against hers.

She’s still smiling into the kiss, but moves her hands gently to his hair, tugging at the strands the way she knows he likes. James digs one hand into her waist, and one in her fluttering hair. Her lips move softly against his, but still a pleasant pull tugs at his lower abdomen. He bites at her lower lip, eliciting a tiny noise from the back of her throat. She shifts in his lap, pressing even closer, taking back her lips to skim at his jaw. She presses light kisses to the bone there, lower and lower until she tugs down the collar of his shirt. James lets out a little noise as she sucks none too gently at the skin she finds there, grip tightening on her waist, one hand moving to her thigh. 

Lily pulls away finally, lips wet, swollen and a little red. Her cheeks are flushed, hair a little mussed and James feels his heart clench at the sight. Day after day he waits for the rapid beating of his heart to cease at the sight of her, but it never happens.

“Give me that,” She says breathlessly, still pressed chest to chest with him. James looks at her bewildered but she just rolls her eyes, moving her hands to the blanket to pick up the forgotten journal. “I put so much hard work into it and here you are…  _ complaining _ .”

“No, I love it!” James exclaims immediately, “I was just joking!”

“Mhmm.” She says, corners of her mouth twitching. She flips the yellowing pages carefully, green eyes flickering quickly over the pages of her handwriting. “Here, this one is by Ella Wheeler Wilcox.”

“Because I definitely know who that is.”

Lily rolls her eyes, “Shut up and listen, Potter.” She clears her throat and begins to read in a voice like melting chocolate. 

“ _ I love your lips when they’re wet with wine  _

_ And red with a wild desire;  _

_ I love your eyes when the lovelight lies  _

_ Lit with a passionate fire.  _

_ I love your arms when the warm white flesh  _

_ Touches mine in a fond embrace;  _

_ I love your hair when the strands enmesh  _

_ Your kisses against my face.  _

_ Not for me the cold, calm kiss  _

_ Of a virgin’s bloodless love;  _

_ Not for me the saint’s white bliss,  _

_ Nor the heart of a spotless dove.  _

_ But give me the love that so freely gives  _

_ And laughs at the whole world’s blame,  _

_ With your body so young and warm in my arms,  _

_ It sets my poor heart aflame.  _

_ So kiss me sweet with your warm wet mouth,  _

_ Still fragrant with ruby wine,  _

_ And say with a fervor born of the South  _

_ That your body and soul are mine.  _

_ Clasp me close in your warm young arms,  _

_ While the pale stars shine above,  _

_ And we’ll live our whole young lives away  _

_ In the joys of a living love. _ ”

James loses his cool when it comes to Lily Evans nine times out of ten, but how can he be expected to hold it together when the word love comes out of her mouth so many times? There’s a pretty flush at the tips of her cheekbones, a certain warmth about the way she is looking at him, teeth biting her lower lip. The poem is so… romantic and he wishes he were a writer, a lover of words like Lily so he could try and craft a sentence that could explain how she and this poem is making him feel. 

He’s never been one for flowery words, always preferring to deliver his thoughts as efficiently as he can.  _ And we’ll live our whole young lives away in the joys of a living love _ echoes in his ears as he looks at her, his eyes looking down at her lips with renewed fascination.

“Virgin’s bloodless love?” He says finally, meeting her dancing eyes.

Lily laughs though, swatting his head with the back of the journal. “I hate you, James Potter.” 

“You don’t.” He says softly, lifting a hand to brush a stray red curl away from her cheek. He leans closer, presses a gentle kiss to her cheek.

“No, I don’t.” She agrees, lifting her hands to card gently through his hair, looking at him like he is a boy from a poem. And with a gaze so careful and hands so soft, it’s hard to believe he isn’t.

"You set my poor heart aflame, Lily Evans," He says quietly, pressing their lips together once more.


	29. together

Lily has always liked coming to McGonagall’s office, though she’s only been here a handful of times. There’s a big roaring fire next to the long desk that warms Lily to the tips of her toes. There’s a few picture frames that face away from her, but Lily imagines McGonagall as a girl with her friends, laughing with mirth or maybe a family photo, even. To the left there’s a big window, sparkling clean, with a wonderful view of the Quidditch pitch that she bets James stares at during his multiple visits here. 

McGonagall clears her throat, clasping her hands together on her desk. Her glasses are perched low on her nose as she stares at Lily. “It’s customary to have a meeting in your seventh year to talk about your future career aspirations.”

Lily sighs, though only inwardly. Slowly, she pulls out a small tin of biscuits from her bag, making soft noises as they shake. “Thank you, Professor.” She says, prying the box open, “But we both know that no one is going to hire me when I get out of school.”

McGonagall’s lips thin as Lily places a biscuit between her own. She settles further into the chair, glad that McGonagall seems to have put a cushioning charm on the leather seat. “You have top grades in all of your courses and glowing recommendations from Professor Slughorn _and_ myself—”

The indignation in her voice makes Lily smile. “Professor…” She starts, but trails off, unsure of where she wants the rest of her sentence to go. It should hurt, burn even that all her dreams have become impossible. That’s what Marlene tells her at least, but Lily doesn’t see it that way. To her it’s more of a delay than a the end. 

McGonagall tilts her head at her, green eyes, much like Lily’s own, filled with sadness. “I…I apologize, Ms Evans.” She seems to get a hold of herself, straightening her shoulders and clearing her throat. “Still planning on joining the Order of the Phoenix?”

Lily nods, the thought of bringing a smile to her lips. She takes a bite of the biscuit, letting the sweetness spread over her tongue. “Yes, I couldn’t bear to be doing nothing.” Lily says when she’s halfway done with swallowing, crumbs falling off her lap.

McGonagall slouches, or as much as McGonagall is capable of slouching; pretty much just leaning slightly back in her chair, hands resting on the arm rests. “How will you finance yourself during this time?”

Lily shrugs, thinking about the listings she’d in the Daily Prophet. “Probably split a flat with the girls. I’ve got some money saved up. Think I might take up a job in Muggle London.”

“Muggle London?” McGonagall parrots.

“As a waitress maybe, or a librarian?” Lily says, glancing out towards the window when she catches a flash of movement. She sees James on his broomstick, floating just inches away from the glass. His hair is windswept and his eyes hidden behind his sports glasses. He looks sunkissed and golden, and it is so hard to feel disheartened about anything at all. He blows a kiss at her and Lily can feel a smile rising to her lips so she speaks before it has a chance to. “I’ll figure something out.”

She gives as imperceptible a nod as she can to James, trying to will him back to practice, but he just laughs. The windows must be rather thick because James has a laugh like a thunderstorm and she doesn’t hear a thing.

“Lily…”

She looks back up to meet McGonagall’s gaze, eyes so sad that she feels her heart clench. There’s something in her gaze that reminds her of the way her mum looks at her. “It’s alright, Professor. It’s only temporary.” Lily says firmly, squaring her shoulders back and placing her tin of biscuits on the table. “I truly believe that this nonsense isn’t going to last forever. I’ll do what it takes to bring it down and then… then I’ll do something with myself.”

McGonagall’s lip quivers, she stares at Lily a beat too long to be nothing, but then she stretches her hand out. Her fingers close around a biscuit, bringing it up to her lips, chewing gracefully before speaking once more. “You are… an uncommonly strong woman, Ms Evans.” She clears her throat, “I wish nothing but the absolute best for you.”

“Thanks, Professor.” Lily smiles, standing up once more, wrestling her bag firmly onto her shoulder. “Keep them,” She says, nodding at the tin of biscuits sitting at the center of McGonagall’s desk.

/

Lily wraps her arm a little bit more securely around James’ waist, sliding her hand up his shirt to stroke at the skin she finds there. Her leg is bent and covering his, their combined weight sinking his mattress lower. “Tuney’s wedding is coming up.” She murmurs softly, staring up at the junction of his four poster bed.

James laughs and she feels the vibrations on the tips of her fingers. “I cannot wait to see her dress.”

Lily laughs too, pulling his blanket further around them. “I can’t believe you’re so excited about it.”

James pushes the blanket back down; the two of them have such different temperature tolerances. “One, her taste is horrible, I’ve seen the photos hung up in your house, so that’ll be a laugh,” He snorts, sticking one finger up in the air. Then he puts out a second. “And two, it gives us a chance to come up with a backstory for how we met and who we are.”

She tilts her head slightly, nose colliding with the cut of his jaw. “Lily and James who met at a boarding school?”

He turns to face her too, close enough for her to have a zoomed in view of his disbelieving expression. “Oh come on, that’s so boring. Can’t we say that I’m at school to become a—”

“Magician?” She suggests dryly.

Instantly, he brightens, hazel eyes lighting up with familiar mirth. “Those blokes who pull rabbits out of hats?”

“Yeah.” 

James sighs dreamily, looking back up at the ceiling, “Honestly it’s a neat bit of magic.”

Lily moves her hand further on his chest, soaking up the warmth he seems to naturally emanate. “It’s not _real_ magic.”

“Okay, it’s a neat _trick_. Which I could do spectacularly with real magic.” James puts in, pulling her closer to him, arm tight around her. 

Lily laughs, pushing his arm off her so she can pivot and situate herself on top of him. Her hair falls over her shoulders, as she crosses her hands over his chest. “You’re going to embarrass Petunia so much if you do a magic trick at her wedding.”

“ _Fine_ , I’ll behave myself.” James says, sighing dramatically, shaking her body on top of him.

Lily tilts her head back and forth, looking at the adorable pout of James’ lips. She smiles slightly, leaning forward to press her own against his. “You can only do it if she’s really rude to you.”

“Or to you.” James offers, ever the gentleman. 

Lily laughs, “Oh she’s going to be.” At his questioning gaze, she elaborates. “She always is when I’m dancing.”

His eyebrows furrow together, “When you’re dancing? Are you _that_ rubbish?”

Lily thinks about it a moment. All the times her dorm mates have gotten drunk together, Marlene inevitably joining them, wanting to dance. It never lasts long because the second Lily starts to dance, laughter tends to descend upon the room. “I really am.”

“Oh come on, I’ll teach you.” James declares immediately, pushing her off of him none too gently and clambering out of his bed. Lily stares at him, unimpressed, pulling the blankets around her a little further. He stretches out a hand, clearly very serious about this. “Come on, Evans!”

Lily groans loudly, allowing him to take her hand and pull her to her feet. She collides with his chest, pulling down the shorts that have ridden up. James smiles at her, adorably lopsided and takes her other hand and places it on his shoulder. He wraps his spare hand around her waist, and suddenly they’re pressed so close together that their toes touch.

There isn’t any music, no rhythm to follow along to, but when James starts to move it feels right. Lily allows him to take the lead, stepping forward whenever he steps back, only stepping on his toes a handful of times. “This feels silly.” She says, laughing when trods on his feet again.

“It looks silly too!” Remus calls from his bed. She looks over James’ shoulder to glare at him, missing a step and stomping on James’ toe accidentally. It’s funny, but when they’re in James’ bed, it feels like there’s no one else in the world. That, and they’re both pretty shameless when it comes to PDA around their friends.

“Fuck off, Remus.” James says without any heat, not even sparing his friend a glance. He looks at Lily, hazel eyes crinkling with encouragement. “Just take a deep breath, Evans. Let me lead.”

Sirius’ eyes look up from his book, lips twitching dangerously. “Count in your head. It helps.”

Lily tries, _one, two, three, one, two, three_. The added concentration just makes her trip a little further, “I’m trying!” She squeezes James’ hand tightly enough for him to make a noise, her cheeks flushing. “Stop looking at me!”

“Shall I close my eyes too?” James laughs, leaning in to tease her.

“No, _you_ have to focus.” She pouts, trying once again to follow along, their feet colliding in a haphazard movement of limbs. James can’t help but laugh and Lily can’t ever hold back her smile when he does, so she doesn’t bother trying. James’ hand slips from her hand, to just the tips of her fingers, bringing their barely-touching hands above her head. Slowly, with one hand on her waist, he guides her to do a little twirl, laughing as she trips towards the end. She ducks into his chest, heart bubbling with fondness for him.

She sways with James, feeling lightweight and carefree. Her heartbeat thuds loudly in her ears, laughter still echoing, and maybe they don’t need music after all. She looks at him as he lifts her up, placing her on his toes like she’s a little girl. His arms are strong around her waist, but the look in his eyes is the softest thing in the world. She smiles, pressing a gentle kiss to the warm skin of his neck. 

No one in the world cares about them right now and though that sounds like a painful thought, it is beautiful. No Slytherins, no Death Eaters, no Voldemort; no one can touch them now. And for a moment when Lily looks back up at James she is struck by just how much she loves him. 

She swallows, suddenly very aware of the fact that they are not alone in this room. “D’you want to go down to our office?”

James lifts a brow, spinning then around the room as he replies, lowly. “Looking for a good snog, Evans?”

Lily’s heart quickens a little bit, this stupid boy making her more nervous than she has been in a very long time. She ducks her head into his chest, her cheeks warming against the fabric of his t-shirt. “Maybe a little bit… more.” She says timidly, but the urge to look at James’ expression is far too great. She tilts backwards a little bit and only then does she realize that the two of them have stopped moving entirely. Though they aren’t swaying anymore, it still feels like she’s spinning. “If you want to?”

James smiles at her, wide-eyed and honest. “Of course I would.” Then he lowers his voice a little further, lifting one, large hand to her cheek. Something about it always make Lily feel safe. “Are you sure?”

“Yes.” Lily says, not missing a beat, mind racing with plans. “I’ve just got to tell the girls I’m not coming to review Charms. Maybe you can sneak us a bottle of wine for my nerves?” She pulls herself out of his arms, off his feet, ready to run out of the room, but his hand closes around her wrist. 

“Your nerves?” He repeats softly.

Lily’s cheeks light up, “I just… want you to like it.”

The corners of his mouth lift up, just enough that the barest traces of his dimple shows. “Lily, there is nothing you could do that could make me less than the happiest man on earth.” He says quietly, hazel eyes unflinching. Then he tilts his head to the side, seriousness fading as rapidly as it had appeared. “Unless maybe you say someone else’s name in bed.” 

Lily feels a laugh erupt out of her, dizzy and relieved, she just laughs a little more. “Oh _Remus!_ ” She exclaims, ducking her head further into James’ chest, smile too wide to contain.

A few seconds lapse in which Lily and James giggle delightedly. 

“Er—you called?” Remus says finally, voice very, very reluctant.

/

When Lily does finally make it down to the Heads’ office, over twenty minutes have passed. Apparently, her expression isn’t very subtle and Marlene isn’t kind enough to pretend she doesn’t know what’s going on. After spending an embarrassing fifteen minutes being teased and fussed over, Lily had finally had enough of Emmeline fixing her hair and stormed out of their dorm to the sound of her friends’ laughter. 

“Almost thought you weren’t going to show up.” James says the moment she steps inside. She’s about to open her mouth to answer, but she notices that the entire room is a little neater than it’s ever really been. The clutter from their table is tucked away, the ash by the fireplace swept away, the pillows on the sofa fluffed up. Even the ratty sofa itself looks a little more comfortable. 

Lily’s nervousness washes out of her like a drain. “I would never stand you up,” She says, striding in until she stands right in front of James. She extends onto her tiptoes, pressing a light kiss to his lips. When she pulls away she notes that there are two chilled bottles in his hands. “You brought butterbeer?”

“Wine gets me drunk,” James admits with a laugh, lifting a hand to ruffle the back of his head.

Lily smiles, bringing her wand out from the waistband of her shorts, unscrewing the bottles with a single tap. The caps fall to the floor with a loud clatter, but neither of them move to pick them up. The fire seems to be burning at a warmer temperature because Lily’s cheeks start to flame, hands start to sweat without any cause at all. She lifts one of the bottles, clanking it against the one in James’, “Cheers, Potter.”

They bring the butterbeer to their lips, each taking a much larger sip than usual. A trail of it drips down the corner of Lily’s lips and before she has a chance to swipe it away, James ducks down and presses his lips there. And then suddenly the bottles are gone; Lily hasn’t done accidental magic since before Hogwarts, but despite herself, the butterbeers float in the air, away from the two of them, dropping onto the table with loud thuds. She thinks she hears a little spilling, but her mind is otherwise occupied. 

Her hands have lifted in the air, wand forgotten on the floor, spreading across James’ chest. She has a sneaking sense he’s put on a bit of cologne of the stronger scent is anything to go by. His lips trail away from her jaw, skating to her ear with searing intensity, teeth just barely slipping out. Lily makes a noise, fisting one hand into the fabric of his t-shirt, pulling his lips away from her skin.

His eyes are blown wide, hazel eyes so dark they almost look brown. She presses her lips against his, the sweep of his tongue making goosebumps rise on the back of her neck. His hands cup her cheeks in the way he knows she likes, backing the two of them up until his legs collide with the sofa. She hardly even taps him, but he readily falls back, head colliding with the cushions, his legs spread apart. She stands over him for a moment, trying to calm the rapid beating of her heart, but she doesn’t quite manage. Slowly, she moves forward, carefully settling herself on his lap, fingers gentle on his neck, his hair. 

“James…” She says quietly, stroking his cheek. He hums back in response, but she can’t get up the nerve to say it just yet. She shakes her head, pressing her lips against his. Though kissing him is the easiest, most natural thing in the world, it never fails to make her dizzy, fire licking up her spine. James kisses her, hands gentle as they slip the straps off her tank top off her shoulders. He kisses like he does most things; completely unabashedly, pouring every ounce of himself into it. Lily has never felt quite so at someone else’s mercy before.

/

Later in the evening, Lily is wrapped up in James, a blanket and not much else. His hand trails down her bare back, fingers ghosting her spine. She’s sure it’s a little sweaty, but he doesn’t comment. She does the same, letting her fingers travel across his chest, down his abdomen, to the dip of his belly button, hairs that trail lower. 

James sighs, whole body relaxed and warm. She can feel the contentedness rolling off him like waves. It’s the same for her; all her limbs feel loose and light, almost like jelly. “What’re you thinking about?” She asks, as his hand wanders lower. It trails over the dip in her waist, over the curve of her backside. 

“You.” He says, squinting down at her. He looks so young without his glasses, she notes, crawling upwards until their bare chests collide. She presses a kiss to his nose, the indents of his glasses still there. She reaches across him, onto the coffee table where his glasses lie. He takes them from her, putting them securely back on. “Can’t believe you made me take these off.”

“They start to dig into my skin after a while,” She responds with a roll of her eyes. 

“Robbed me, you did.” He tuts, shaking his head at her. 

She just laughs a little, sinking back against him, his arm around her once more. “Can’t believe we had sex on this sofa. There must be so many germs on it from all the other Heads that’ve shagged here.”

James snorts, “I did my best with a _scourgify_ before you got here.”

“I’m oddly touched.” Lily says, thinking how ridiculous the two of them are for shagging in an office where they’re supposed to be working. “Still think McGonagall can see us in here?”

Instantly James lets out a noise, pulling their blanket further up to cover Lily’s back and his chest. “Ew, Evans. I don’t want to entertain that thought.”

“Like we just entertained McGonagall?” She says, nudging him with her elbow.

“STOP!” He yells, covering his ears, wrinkling his nose. She just laughs until he tentatively lifts his hands away from his face. He shudders, “That’s fucking disgusting, Lily.” She just continues to laugh, “How am I supposed to look at her in the eye at our career conference now?”

“I’m sure you’ll manage,” She says sarcastically, “Mr I Have No Shame.”

James gasps, “That’s so rude.” He squeezes her tighter, hands warm against the cold skin of her back. “What’d you and Minnie even discuss?”

“She’ll chop of your testicles if she hears you call her Minnie,” Lily warns, slightly sitting up so she can lean against James’ chest. “Wasn’t too long really. She was just worried about me, I think. Wasn’t too keen on the idea of me working in Muggle London.”

“Neither am I.” James says immediately.

“James,” She sighs, rubbing his chest, “I need to live _somewhere_ and that requires more money than I have right now.”

James’ eyes crinkle, his glasses sloping a little lower on his nose. “Just live with me.” He says as though it’s the most simple thing in the world.

Lily’s elbow slides off his skin, her chin colliding with his chest. “What?” She manages, lifting herself back to look at him, her mind scattering. “James, you’re just offering that because of your post-coitus high.”

“Who says coitus?” James snaps back, lifting himself onto his elbow so that she shifts too. The blanket slips down, their bare chests on display. “And no, I’m not.” 

“I can’t just live with you!” Lily splutters back, lifting herself completely off of him. She plucks up the blanket, lifting and wrapping it around herself like a cocoon, standing up.

James ducks down, searching for his underwear. He finds it under the sofa, pulling it up his legs as quickly as he can. He stands to his feet, putting his hands on his hips like he’s emulating her. “Yes you can!” 

“No I can’t!”

“Give me three reasons why not!” James fires back, stepping closer to her. 

Lily clutches the blanket around her a little tighter, fingers white against the fabric. “You live with your dad, I have no money,” She says immediately. She shakes her head, whirling around the room, searching for another reason, another _excuse_ , “and...and...and you push the blankets off every night!”

James throws a hand up in the air. “One, I don’t want to brag but my house is huge and dad keeps trying to convince me to live my young life elsewhere.” He says pointedly, which okay, Lily supposes, is something she _has_ heard him say before. “Two, we’re both going to be in the Order as our full-time jobs and I have more than enough money for the two of us!” He exclaims, stepping closer to her, eyes earnest and wide. “And three, I’ll stop!”

He declares it all so _simply_. Like he doesn’t know, or doesn’t understand what he’d be doing to his reputation to be so publicly declaring what he’s living with a Muggle-born. “Why do you want me there?” She says helplessly.

James rolls his eyes, “Is the pleasure of your company not enough?”

“Three reasons, James!” She fires back, using his own strategy against him.

James sighs, very suddenly and abruptly letting the fight drain out of him. Lily’s lower lip quivers, her grip tightening even further on the blanket, she feels so cold all of a sudden. So vulnerable. 

“One,” James says, very quietly, so soft she can hardly hear it over the roaring flames. His hands lift to place over her clenched fists. “when we’re officially in the Order we’ll both have peace of mind knowing we’re coming home to one another every day.” He leans down to press a hard kiss to her temple. Lily closes her eyes. “Two, you’ll keep the house neat.” The amusement in his voice is still there, even when he leans down to press a kiss to her nose. “Three—”

“But—you’re a pureblood.” Lily croaks, confused to when she’d started crying. But the tears are most definitely there, dripping down her cheeks and onto James’ hands. “You’re going to get a lot of—”

She expects James’ expression to harden, the way it usually does when anyone tries to make a point with him using this. But if anything, his voice softens even further. “Really, the pureblood card?” He stretches one hand to her cheek, the back of his knuckles swiping away the tears that fall there. He takes a deep, shaking breath, she can see the bravado puffing up inside him. He lifts the same hand still wet with her tears to the back of his head, ruffling the hair there. A smile crawls to his lips, lopsided and a little bit nervous and suddenly she knows what he’s going to say before he does. “I love you, Lily. I don’t give a damn what anyone else has to say about it.”

She wants to stop crying, wants to wipe away the tears that fall down her cheeks, but she can’t lift her arms. She just stares up at James with his big hazel eyes and his smudged glasses. She thinks about how he makes her feel, with his big thunderous laugh and the way he always seems to be on the very same page as her.

“I can’t wait to start the rest of our lives together.” James whispers, crouching down to look at her. The look in his eyes is gentle, nervous even, but something about it feels searing. It feels like he is branding her, every inch of her naked body, down to the very last atom and she knows in her heart that there is no other answer than _yes, yes, yes_. 

“Knowing you, not a second of it will be boring.” Lily whispers back.

“Is that a yes?” He asks, voice trembling and suddenly she notices the shaking of his hands over hers.

“Yes, James.” She tells him, not sure when the two of them got so tangled up in one another. One day they were screaming themselves hoarse, fighting and misunderstanding so badly that it had felt like her chest was going to burst. She’s not sure when, or even how James Potter managed to change everything with just a stupid smile. Lily isn’t too sure about anything at all, but somehow she’s never been so certain that she is meant to spend the rest of her life with the man standing in front of her. “And, hey,” she says quietly, “I love you, too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave a comment if you liked this chapter !


	30. i love you more

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO Sorry for the late update !!! This semester is so hectic !!

The thing about dating James Potter is that, well, he’s  _ James Potter _ . Not in a shallow kind of way because Lily is above all of that rubbish. But being Head Boy, Quidditch captain and cute to boot, makes an awful lot of people interested in your life. And so, Lily has grown accustomed to hearing people talk about her boyfriend at any time, any place in the castle. 

There have been occasions when she overhears about a particularly brilliant execution of a prank from sneering Slytherins. Or a group of fifth year girls giggling about how James had screamed himself hoarse at Quidditch practice. It’s convenient even, to hear about all of these things because Lily can prepare to tease James about his sore throat or laugh about his pranks in advance. 

So when she hears the latest bout of gossip, Lily doesn’t think twice before tuning in. She’s sat next to Marlene for a particularly late breakfast, halfway through a slice of strawberry jam covered toast. She’s dozing off a little bit, 8am far too early to be functioning in her opinion. But NEWTs are just around the corner and even on a beautiful May morning, Lily forces herself to wake up early. 

Henry Zhang is whispering furiously as he sits down for breakfast. “Can you  _ believe  _ he just attacked Potter in the middle of the hallway?” 

He and Yasmin Khan start picking up sausages in front of them, shoveling them into their mouths with matching speed and looks of incredulity on their faces. Lily and Marlene exchange a glance;  _ attack _ ? She straightens in her seat, subtly leaning a little more to the left so she can hear the two Gryffindor Chasers a little better. 

“It’s a relief that James is so good in a duel otherwise that could’ve ended so badly.” Yasmin says back, scowling as she stabs a sausage with particular ferocity. It’s easy to see the loyalty the two of them have for their captain; it’s written all over their hunched postures and righteous indignation.

“ _ Could  _ have? I dunno, I think Potter looked really upset,” Henry responds, pale face tinted red. Lily tilts even further in their direction, breakfast completely forgotten.

Yasmin scoffs and Lily chances another look at her; thick eyebrows pulled into an expression of disgust. “Wouldn’t you be? If someone like  _ Severus Snape  _ told you that the two of you weren’t so different?”

“I’d be livid.” Henry says instantly, his hot blooded nature speaking for him. “But he’s got to know it’s not true, right?”

Yasmin sighs, her eyes flickering over momentarily towards Lily. She moves her gaze away just in time, avoiding Yasmin’s eyes. She must have a feeling she’s being listened to because she lowers her voice so much that Lily strains to listen over the morning chatter. “I suppose, but they kept mentioning Lily and you know how James loses his head when she’s brought up.”

At the sound of her name, Lily stiffens in her seat. It’s never a good sign when she’s brought up with Severus and James. Yasmin isn’t wrong, James  _ does  _ tend to lose his head when she’s brought up, but the same can be said for Severus.

“Yeah, that’s true, I thought Potter was going to kill him.” Henry says, frown evident in his voice though Lily doesn’t look up from her toast to see it form. 

“Lily—” Marlene says, hand stretching out from her lap to place on top of Lily’s.

She shakes it off, getting to her feet. “I should go look for him.” She says, scanning the Great Hall for any sign of James. There’s a funny pull at her navel that she can’t ignore, like a string is tied to her bellybutton and tugging her away. She’d bet a hundred Galleons the other side is connected to James.

“Just… don’t defend Snape, alright?” Marlene says softly.

“I think I know that, Marlene.” Lily snaps, not bothering to meet her friend’s gaze, pinpricks of annoyance bubbling under her skin at her words.

/

Lily thinks about scouring the whole castle, but she knows that would be unreasonable. It’s times like this she wishes she had the boys’ map. It’s dreadfully convenient. So instead of sitting next to Marlene at the breakfast table, soaking in her annoyance, she goes to the Heads’ office. 

Lily opens the door quietly, just in case James is already there. She peeks her head in, but he’s nowhere to be found. The sofa that has very slowly grown on her is empty, its’ cushions sagging pitifully. Swallowing to herself, she makes her way into the room, dropping her bag unceremoniously onto the floor. She thinks she hears a tiny crack, probably her ink bottle shattering, but she can’t find it in herself to care. 

She turns to the tiny window they have, the morning sun high enough that it nearly blinds Lily. Still, she tries to squint out towards the little of the goal posts that she can see of the Quidditch fields. There’s a blur in the sky, making Lily’s stomach lurch. She strides closer, nose almost pressing to the glass to catch a better view. There’s someone flying by one of the goalposts, robes billowing in the wind. She watches as a Quaffle soars towards the flyer, but whoever they are, fails to catch it, the easy toss fumbled and falling downwards. 

She sighs, turning away from the window to sit back down on the sofa. She’s supposed to be going to the library with Peter and Remus to review some Transfiguration, but she can’t find it in herself to make her feet move. Lily props her feet up on the coffee table like how she usually scolds James for doing. She claps her knees together, back and forth, letting her gaze wander around the office until she can calm the rapid beating of her heart. 

Her eyes linger on the haphazard piles of parchment that James has left on the desk, his quill hanging off the table. Just last night the two of them had been reviewing Defense notes, kissing whenever they got too bored. She wonders what Severus had said to him that could’ve so bad that his teammates were so concerned. She knows that Severus has a real talent for striking a nerve when he wants to. She clenches her fists, long nails digging into her palms.

James has a tendency to throw the door open. It’s something Lily complains about all the time because it tends to disturb her from whatever she’s reading and she has a hard time finding where she left off. It also makes little marks on the door edges, but James always just laughs when she brings it up. He never stops throwing it open though. 

Which is why, the fact that the door slips open, eerily silent, revealing James’ dragging feet is such a shock. Lily slams her feet off the coffee table, twisting around to face James. His usually smiling face is pale, eyes downcast as he makes his way over to Lily. 

“Hey,” She breathes as he collapses on the sofa next to her, loosening his tie. 

She watches the bob of his Adam’s apple as he swallows. He lifts his eyes towards her, lashes fluttering against the lenses of his glasses. He takes a deep, shuddering breath, putting his hands on his knees like he’s bracing himself. “I still curse Snape.”

It’s funny, how Lily’s heart couldn’t stop slamming against her ribcage before James came into the room, but now that he’s here, looking so sad that her pulse is back to normal. There’s just something reassuring about having him in front of her. “Okay.”

James stiffens; she watches his spine straighten like he’s a puppet being pulled taut. “You don’t sound surprised. Did you know?”

Lily frowns, moving slightly so their knees bump together. “Well not exactly.” She hasn’t seen Severus and James interact with one another in ages. But like she’d said before, people had a tendency to talk about James so often that it’s a wonder the man has any secrets at all. And well, James and Severus weren’t going to stop fighting all of a sudden. Battles between men never ended so swiftly. “I just—I’m not really surprised.” 

A muscle in James’ jaw jumps. “So you expected me to do it?”

Lily furrows her eyebrows, reaching a hand forward to put on top of James’. “Well, no—that’s not what I meant, James.” 

“Fucking hell, Lily!” He exclaims, pulling his hands away and whipping them in the air. There’s a tremor in his voice, something so thin, so subtle that she wouldn’t have noticed it if he had just kept touching her. She would’ve assumed it was anger, but there’s an uncertain air about him, something about the way he won’t look at her, the way his sentences are so short. 

“He’s different,” She says slowly, gently as possible, though she’s not used to fighting with James anymore. The fifth years that used to misunderstand one another seems like a lifetime away. “I don’t expect you to go around jinxing random people, still. You’re a different guy now. 

James’ lower lip quivers. “Yeah, this guy I am around you, I  _ love _ that guy.” He says, eyes shaking when they look at her. Lily can see the barest traces of her reflection in the lenses of her glasses; sees the confusion written across her face. “But I’m that other guy too; who took off Snape’s pants in front of everyone and laughed about it. Who jinxed first years because they were Slytherins. Are you really okay with that?”

Lily moves closer to him, letting their knees brush again, feeling off kilter and imbalanced. “You’re not him anymore.” 

James shakes his head, angrily, sadly, she doesn’t know. How does she not know? How did she not notice this was brewing inside him? “I’m always going to be that guy. Sure, I’ve changed, but that’s who I was at some point. And I regret it, but it’s made me who I am.” 

What on earth had Severus  _ said  _ to him?

“And I  _ love _ who you are, James.” Lily says fiercely, moving even closer to take James’ face in her hands. He tries to shift out of her grip, but she squeezes his cheeks. A world where James Potter doesn’t want her close doesn’t make sense to her. “The good, the bad and the ugly. You were a bit of a privileged, pompous prat back in the day, but you’ve evolved.”

James rips his face away from her like her fingers have given him third degree burns.    
“I haven’t, Lily! You can keep pretending you see this reformed guy, but I’m still that  _ arrogant toe rag  _ I was back then.” He spits her own words back at her, whole body shaking and trembling like a vibrating, guitar string. “You’re too good for me.”

Lily’s whole world tumbles off its’ axis. “What are you  _ talking  _ about?”

James swallows, moving further away from her, into the couch like it can swallow him. “I can’t keep accepting you saying that you love me.”

Her vision blurs. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“You love this changed person, Lily.” James says, sounding utterly defeated. It’s an oxymoron; James and defeat don’t go hand in hand, they never have. “But what if I can’t be that person all the time? I’ve always known that I love you more than you love me.” Lily’s heart physically clenches, she feels it sting like a stunning spell. She watches James run a crazed hand down his face, little sweat droplets falling from his forehead. “But I don’t think I’ll be able to take it if one day you wake up and realize that you don’t love me anymore because I’m not who you thought I was.” 

“How—how can you  _ say  _ that?” Lily manages to choke out. “Is that really how you feel?”

“Yes.”

Why are his sentences so short? Lily want to stretch out her hands and shake his shoulders. But she isn't sure he’d let her. She doesn’t know if James wants her to touch him right now. Doesn’t know if he even wants her  _ around  _ right now. He thinks he loves her more than she loves him. That single thought overwhelms her, sinking over the rest of her mind like a tsunami, the sentence echoing around her like ringing bells.

“James—that’s not—”

He holds up a single finger and Lily falls silent. “Stop. I can’t—I don’t want to hear you reassuring me right now. I—I just can’t right now.” He finally looks back up to her, hazel eyes shimmering with tears. “Can I please be alone?”

Lily’s lower lip trembles, so do her legs as she moves to stand. She doesn’t have any idea how she’s even moving, but before she knows it her legs have taken her out of the Heads’ Office, door slamming behind her as she runs. 

/

She doesn’t know quite how long she runs, but her lungs burn. She’s panting and desperately out of breath, but she prefers this physical sting over the cracking of her heart. 

“Lily?” A voice says quietly, almost like it’s a kilometer away. “Is everything alright?”

She turns to the right, towards the sound of the voice, blinking away the tears to meet Remus Lupin’s concerned gaze. Behind him stands Peter, his plump fingers wringing together in front of him. Her back is against the stone wall outside of the library though she doesn’t remember heading this direction.

“Sorry,” She says, pulling her knees towards her chin, looking away from the pair of them. Tears trickle down her cheeks, falling onto her stockings, wetting her skin. It’s enough to shock her out of her thoughts. “I’m—I’m late for our review session, I know.”

Remus sits down next to her, shoulder just a hair away from touching hers. “Frankly, I don’t really give a damn about that.”

“What?” Lily says, turning to face him with wide eyes. Dimly she notices that Peter has dropped down to an awkward squat, nervously looking over at Lily. 

Remus gives her a sad smile and doesn’t ask if she’s fought with James. “Do you want me to fetch someone? You look dreadful, no offense.”

She sniffles, bringing up a hand to swipe at her nose. A little bit of her lipstick smudges off on the back of her hand leaving an angry pink mark on her skin. She stares at it momentarily before finally saying, “No… no, I’m alright.” Slowly, she brings her gaze back over to the two of them to find them exchanging a look. “What?” She says, voice sharper than she means it to be.

Peter jumps a little, “Er—! I just—you just don’t look alright.” He wrings his fingers together, the nervous habit Lily has noticed him doing whenever there’s a pretty girl or a Slytherin in the vicinity. 

“D’you want to… talk about it?” Remus offers, voice soft and though she can still hear the chatter from inside the library she focuses on the tilt of his vowels instead.

Lily swallows, thinks about the sheer amount of  _ guilt  _ dripping off James’ expression when she’d finally seen him. “Did you lot know that James and… Severus still fought?”

Remus and Peter exchange another look. “Well, yeah we did.” Peter says awkwardly, finally settling down on the floor, crossing his legs together.

Lily buries her chin further into the junction of her knees. “Why didn’t anyone tell me?”  _ Why didn’t I notice? _

“I’m sorry, Lily. We’re very fond of you, you know that.” Remus says gently, “But, James is, well he’s James. It was his business.”

Lily laughs dryly, meeting Remus’ eyes again. “No… I’m not upset with that. I—I kind of figured they’d still be fighting. That kind of rivalry doesn’t disappear overnight.” She says, waving her hand in the air. She flicks her gaze from Remus’ eyes to Peter’s; though the colors are vastly different, she only finds kindness in them. “I just thought I’d notice if it was bothering James so much.” She admits quietly.

“Bothering him?” Peter repeats.

Lily runs a hand through her hair, remembering how tired James had looked. Has he been looking like that all year? “I dunno, I guess something Severus said really got to him.”

Peter sighs, a little huff of breath that is both exasperated and fond. “As much as James likes to rag on Sniv— _ Snape _ , I don’t think he ever really tells us what he feels about all that.” He tilts his head back and forth as though he’s pondering his words. Lily’s seen James do the very same gesture and knows that’s where Peter probably picked it up. “You know James; sometimes he talks and talks, but he never really says anything.”

Lily did know. How long had he gone on thinking that Lily didn’t love him as much as he loved her? How long had he been brewing that potion and letting himself soak in it?

Remus frowns though, thin eyebrows coming together. “I—I think he mentioned something. Once.” He faces Lily once more, voice steady. “It was after we ran into Snape in the hallways once, he was taunting James about well,  _ you _ .” He sighs tiredly, pinching his nose. “Something about how James was only faking having changed. I… I didn’t realize it bothered him so much.”

“I guess none of us did.” Lily says, a little bitterly.

“Don’t beat yourself up over it, Lily.” Peter says gently, voice soothing and quiet, reminding Lily a little bit of the bedtime stories her mother used to read to her.

“James… well, we all know he loses his head when it comes to you. But I don’t think he thinks with his head all that much anyways.” Remus says, corner of his mouth twitching up with fondness.

Lily’s mind whirls, thinking back to her seventeenth birthday. She’d only just started getting to know James, but she thinks she’d known this even back then.  _ Your heart’s too big for you _ , she’d said,  _ your brain doesn’t ever get a say, does it? _ And if that wasn’t the most Gryffindor thing she’d ever heard. It was so very  _ James  _ of him to have let Severus get to him, to have believed all the rubbish Severus must have been spouting.

“Tell me about it.” Lily says, heart a little lighter and head a little clearer. “He’s such an idiot.”

Peter lets out a snort, almost like a squawk. “We know that better than most people.”

Remus finally smiles, his teeth finally making an appearance as his shoulder meets Lily’s. There’s something reassuring about having it pressed against her, makes her feel as though she’s not the only one in the world maddeningly fond of James Potter. “Yes well, he is  _ our  _ idiot, isn’t he?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked this chapter, if you did please leave a comment, it would be really appreciated !


	31. the light inside us

Ever since Sirius and James served their very first detention together, they’ve been bonded for life. Over the years, they’ve developed a kind of sixth sense for one another. Which is why James is half-relieved, half-disappointed that Sirius is serving a detention for Professor Sprout when it seems like James needs him the most. 

He’s still sat on the sofa, exactly the way he was when Lily had left the room. Left, more like _fled_ , his mind helpfully supplies. Much as he tries, he can’t get the image of her teary eyes out of his head, as much as he scrubs at his face. Lily’s no stranger to tears, but James is very much a stranger to being the _cause_ of them. It’s not a habit he wants to fall into.

He feels as though he’s stuffed his heart down a Muggle garbage disposal. He leans further back on the sofa, sinking into the crease that Lily has ridiculously nicknamed “James’ crack”. He runs a ragged hand over his face, wishing that he hadn’t asked her to leave. 

He looks around the room, _their_ room. Lily’s scattered blankets taking up most of the furniture in the room, draping over them like sloths. There’s a few books stacked on the floor by the fireplace; James always tells Lily to move them, scared they’re going to catch fire, but she just laughs. He can see the journal of handwritten poems she’d written him at the top of the pile. His broomstick rests against their desk, his Quidditch gloves resting on a banner that Lily’s in the middle of making for the final match of the season. 

Everywhere he looks he sees traces of her, traces of him, of them. Their life together. The one that she had agreed to living just a month prior. And here he was throwing it all away because of Severus fucking Snape. Horrified, he feels his eyes sting underneath his glasses. It would be utterly impossible to ever turn time back to when Lily Evans hadn’t made her irreplaceable mark on his life. 

“James! Oi, Prongs!” Echoes across the Heads’ office and James startles, spazzing in his seat. Bewildered, he looks at the doorway, but no one’s come in. “Potter!” Sirius’ voice calls again and James’ brain catches up with the rest of him. He dives towards his rucksack on the floor, pulling open the straps and wrestling out the mirror that he keeps folded in an old t-shirt. 

“Sirius!” He chants into the mirror. It shimmers, revealing in just a few short moments the grinning face of one Sirius Black. His grey eyes look shiftily around whatever detention classroom he’s in before focusing again on James. “Sprout usually buggers off for a while before she lets you go. We’ve got some time.”

Despite himself, James can feel himself relaxing, truly sinking into the sofa cushions this time. “I reckon so,” Sirius says easily, moving the mirror so that his face is entirely in view. “I was calling you for about five minutes. Thought you and Evans must be in the middle of shagging to not hear me shouting so loudly.”

James takes a beat too long to respond. “Yeah, well. You know us.”

Sirius narrows his eyes. “Where is she anyways?”

“We’re not attached at the hip all the time.” He snaps, running a hand through his hair, annoyed that the strands flop helplessly onto his forehead.

Sirius lets out a bark of laughter, definitely louder than James himself would permit in his own detentions. “No offense, but you kind of are. I remember the good ol’ days when that was me.” He sighs dramatically, “Now I’ve been replaced by a _redhead_ of all things.”

“Oh, piss off, Padfoot.” James says, feigning more annoyance than he feels. 

Sirius grins for a moment, but then he stares at James, eyes steady and piercing. He’s always been much smarter than people give him credit for. “But really, why d’you look as though Puddlemere has fallen to the bottom of the league?”

James takes a shaky breath, knuckles turning white with the force with which he’s holding the mirror. He had just been taking a regular walk back from tutoring a couple of third years, when as luck would have it, he’d run into Snape. For the first, approximately six years of his Hogwarts career, the sight of the other boy had sent a tremor of hatred through him, combined with a carnal urge to fight. But nowadays, it’s tinged with something like shame. 

He’d tried to ignore him, tried to tighten his grip on his rucksack instead of drawing his wand out of his pocket, but Snape hadn’t cared. Why would he? James had never given him a reason to go easy on him. He’d made his stupid comments about how Lily wasn’t around, how it was a miracle James could go two seconds without shoving his tongue down her throat. James had grit his teeth and continued to walk. Snape had grown desperate, or maybe deranged, James isn’t sure. 

_You and I aren’t so different, you know?_ Snape had spat the words at his back. James remembers being shamefully glad that the heartbreak on his face wouldn’t be seen. _We both have a darkness in us and Lily can’t help but trying to drown it out. It won’t work._

James hadn’t grabbed his wand, but he had turned around, a storm brewing in his eyes as tumultuous as the emotions running through his mind. _You don’t know a single thing about me_. 

_Just because you’re getting some, doesn’t make you any better than me, Potter._ James had stiffened, the shock, the guilt must’ve shown on his face because Snape had laughed, loud and cruel and a little crazed. If James were more like Lily his heart would’ve gone out for the other boy, who was so clearly in pain. _Looks like you’ve realized it. Only a matter of time until she does._

Within a matter of a few words, it had felt like James’ entire world had fallen off its’ axis. As though a mask had been ripped off his face when he hadn’t even realized he’d been wearing one. No, not a mask. More like the first layer of his skin; and it burned, stung to walk around without that armor around. To walk around with the truth about yourself written all over you.

He’d started firing spells before he’d known it. An unfamiliar feeling bubbling inside him and it should’ve been rage but it felt a lot more like self-hatred. But in that moment, it was better to hate Severus Snape than it was to hate himself. He doesn’t even think the duel lasted very long, his Quidditch teammates interrupting before it could get too serious. The expression on his face must’ve been something to behold because they had startled, almost run away at the mere sight of him.

“Fucking Snape.” James swears, gritting his teeth. His eyes shine, but he dips the mirror down until he can blink them away. If Sirius suspects anything, he doesn’t say a word.

“What did he do now?” Sirius asks, his voice the closest it gets to careful. 

James wrinkles his nose, flickering his gaze to the other side of the sofa. The side that Lily and the little kitten, Darcy, would ordinarily occupy. “Nothing, I just—well, I just got into a row with him. It’s got me in a bad mood.”

“What did Evans say?”

James squints at Sirius, before looking awkwardly down into his lap. He hadn’t really given her a chance to say anything. “She just… well, I don’t know how she feels, to be honest.”

“What d’you mean?” Sirius asks, voice resigned, surely predicting James’ next move.

Slightly ashamed, feeling more than a little stupid, James admits, “I sort of… asked her to leave.”

“Your stupidity never fails to astound me.” Sirius says, laughing a little. 

James stares at Lily’s things around the room, how one day he hopes they will be scattered around a whole house. He hadn’t told his friends yet, wanted to keep that particular fact between Lily and himself for some romantic reason or another. “I asked her to move in with me.”

“Bloody hell, congrats, Prongs.” Sirius says, mouth widening into a jack-o-lantern grin. “Er—she did say _yes_ , right?”

“Yeah…she did.” James replies. She _had_ at least, who knew if she’d changed her mind. 

Sirius sighs, shrugging his shoulders carelessly. James knows that he must have his feet up on the greenhouse tables, sure that his boots are knocking into some rare plant or another. “Guess I’m not the only special one given a room at Potter Manor anymore.”

“She’s not going to be given a room, you prat. She’ll be in _my_ room!”

“Oh in your room? With all the stupid Puddlemere posters and wank stains on your bedsheets?” Sirius challenges, raising an eyebrow.

“I have new sheets now!” James replies, his cheeks flushing darkly.

“Whatever you say.” Sirius says innocently. Then he scoffs, tilting his head back and forth in thought, “Don’t think anything you do could even scare Evans away at this point.”

“Not even the wank stains?” James asks fearfully, though his mind is a long ways away from year old stains on his bedsheets.

“After all these years? I think she knows what she’s gotten herself into.” Sirius says, well, seriously. His grey eyes are sharp and James is sure that he’s picked up on whatever latent question James isn’t even sure he was asking. “Smart girl, that Evans.”

The barest traces of a smile crawls up James’ face. “Yeah...I suppose she is.”

“Bugger, I think Sprout’s about to come in.” Sirius says, turning his head slightly as though a mosquito has flown into his airspace. “I’m gonna try and see if she’ll let me go early.”

“Not a chance in _hell_ , Pads. Good luck trying though.” James snorts, putting down his mirror on the coffee table as Sirius gives him a two finger salute.

“Cheers, mate.” He replies, voice ringing loudly across the Heads’ office. And wherever Sirius’ voice is, laughter tends to follow. Though James is in no mood to laugh, he does let a small smile slip through.

/

James lays down on the sofa, trying to get his thoughts in order before he goes running after Lily. His eyes trace the sweeps of the Hogwarts ceiling, going over the bricks that have been there hundreds of years before he was born. His heart rate has vaguely returned to its normal speed though any time he tries to imagine what he’s going to say to Lily it goes back into overdrive.

The door is thrown open. James startles from his spot on the sofa, toppling off the cushions, landing hard on his ass. Rubbing his backside gingerly, James wrestles to his feet, using the coffee table as support, turning his gaze towards the door. Lily is standing there looking very much as though she is about to charge into battle.

“Lily, I—” James starts nervously as she strides into the room, the door closed and _locked_.

Her red hair is around her shoulders, flickering around her face like a burning aura. She raises a singular finger in the air, and James is only momentarily relieved that at least her hands aren’t on her hips. “Hang on. I’ve got a couple thing to say to you, Potter.”

He swallows nervously, gesturing to the sofa awkwardly. “Erm, well, alright.” Lily looks at his arm as though he’s offered her a dead snake. Still she sits down on the sofa with a dignified sort of grace, looking at him as though she hasn’t decided whether she wants to eat him alive. Tentatively he sits down next to her, grateful beyond belief that her eyes aren’t red rimmed.

She takes a deep breath, green eyes piercing into him as though she can see through any mask he might put on. And then she starts speaking, the most bizarre combination of words leaving her lips. “When I was ten I punched our neighbor because he pulled my hair. I got detention third year for charming our Defense teacher’s hair pink. Sometimes I avoid Em and Marlene because they’re closer to one another than they are to me. Sometimes I purposely annoy Petunia into tears.”

“ _What are you talking about_?” James says, mouth slightly agape, completely bewildered at the direction this conversation is going. 

Lily smiles at him, the first one he’s seen all evening and he feels his heart swell with affection at the sight of the chip in her tooth. “I’m saying that I’ve done stupid things too. I’ve done things that aren’t amazing. I’m a real person who’s made mistakes and I know you see that.” She stretches out a hand, placing it on top of his, effectively stilling the rapid shaking of his leg. “Don’t let your guilt cloud your vision of who I really am. You’ve got to stop putting me on a pedestal.”

James swallows, the weaker parts of his heart immediately flocking to the words Lily is saying. He grits his teeth together. He can’t keep running away from this, not anymore. It’s not very Gryffindor of him. It’s not what his father would do. “Your things aren’t as bad as mine though. How can you be okay with me doing all this?”

Lily shakes her head firmly, “I’m _not_ okay with it. I think it was horrible, all of it. But you don’t do it anymore. How long are you going to let your past blackmail us?” At this, she squeezes his hand, lifting it up to press the gentlest of kisses to his knuckles. Knuckles that over a year ago he had rammed into Severus Snape’s bony cheek. 

“But I told you... I still curse Snape.” He admits, feeling as though he’s letting go of the weight of the world like he is Atlas. But, his mind reminds him helpfully, Atlas never got to take a break for very long. He was stuck with his burden for life. Just like James will be. 

Lily squeezes his hand once more, eyes fierce with protectiveness. For years he’s felt as though Sirius could read his mind, had full view of the thoughts that ran through James’ head. But now, looking at Lily, the way she stares at him, it feels as though she can see clear through the armor around his heart. 

“And I told _you_. He’s always going to be an exception. He’s never going to let his hatred of you go. And as much as he denies it, I know my friendship meant a lot to him. So he’s taking this, us being together badly and he’s going to lash out at you. And I’m not stupid enough to think you’d take it lying down.” 

James’ mouth falls open. “But—Lily—” 

“You idiot.” Lily says softly, smiling, but somehow allowing her eyes to swim with tears. “Being good doesn’t come naturally to anyone. We all have to choose to do the right thing, to be good, to—what did your mum say?— _choose_ the light inside us. And you’ve been choosing it for a very long time now.” She says, the words echoing inside him like a ringing bell, rattling around his bones. James closes his eyes, painfully pictures his mother’s smile for just a moment. When he opens them again, a tear has fallen down Lily’s cheek, crawling all the way to the edge of her smiling lips.

“Don’t let a few moments of darkness define your whole life. You’re not that sixteen year old boy anymore.” She scoots closer to him on the sofa, their knees bumping together. It feels as though she is taking that weight off his back, sharing it with him on her scrawny, unathletic, little shoulders. He’s reminded of how his father always told him that in a good relationship, you always do things _together_ . “You’re a good man, James Potter, even if you were a cruel boy once. Shouldn’t we allow and accept and hell, shouldn’t we _encourage_ change? It would be horrible if we were all doomed to be our sixteen year old selves forever.” 

“I—”

She holds up a finger once more. “I’m not finished.” She leans closer to him, pressing her lips against his in a burning, searing kiss that stings him all the way to his bones. Dizzily, he opens his eyes to see her just a hair’s breadth away. “Don’t you _ever_ tell me that I don’t love you as much as you love me. I didn’t fall head over heels for you when we were fifteen, I fell in love with you so slowly that I hardly noticed it happening.” Lily swallows, the first sign of shyness he’s seen in her in a very long time. Her eyes still stay on his. “You are the most wonderful person I’ve ever met and I will do my best to prove it to you every day just how much I care about you. But don’t you ever doubt my love for you again. I can’t stand that you really think that.” 

“What did I ever do to deserve you?” Falls from his lips before he even registers what he’s saying. His eyes sting like he’s been cutting onions, blinking rapidly to keep them from falling.

Lily’s fingers swipe out, eyes still wet with more tears, pinching his waist sharply. “I won’t tolerate that kind of talk, James. I _love_ you, everything about you.”

“I love you too, Evans,” James says, teardrops falling down his cheeks without his permission. Lily gives a watery laugh, raising a hand to swipe away the tear, leaning in to press her lips against his once more like a promise.

/

Lily hardly goes a few hours without telling James she loves him. His mum was the same way, pinching his cheek and smearing lipstick on his forehead all throughout his childhood. But this time, he doesn’t blush as much, readily returns the affection as loudly as possible, no matter who is in the room. He isn’t sure if this recent development is the result of that first “fight”, but he isn’t complaining about hearing the three words so often. He’s reluctant to even call it a fight, but he’s hard pressed to find any other word that suits it. 

Lily even charms the Gryffindor banner she’d made for the final match to say ‘I LOVE YOU’ after James had made the winning goal. The smile on her face had been worth all the jeering and teasing from his teammates and the disgust from the Slytherin section of the stands. If anything, the banner had encouraged him to do the thing he’d always daydreamed himself doing; sweeping down to the section of the stands where Lily was sitting, and pulling her onto the back of his broomstick. 

He’d endured quite the screams from Lily as he’d done ridiculous tricks in the sky, her nails digging into his waist, but he had never felt so incandescently happy before. Even when McGonagall had shouted herself hoarse, he could see the twitch of her lips and the amusement in her eyes. Nothing could’ve ruined his mood on that glorious May afternoon.

Well. James has always had a tendency to speak too soon.

He’s sprinting back up to the common room, skidding in his muddy sneakers, arms full with all the food he’s lugging back from the kitchens. Peter, the idiot, had been distracted by a shy Ravenclaw girl who had actually seemed rather interested in him. Which left James with the Herculean task of levitating this pile of butterbeers, cauldron cakes, firewhiskey and treacle tart all by himself. 

He’s halfway up the very first staircase when he’s met by none other than Severus Snape. Honestly, James has got to stop jinxing himself. Still, he doesn’t lower his wand, doesn’t even allow his grip to tighten however much he wants it to. He tries to ignore the black cloaked figure, even though Snape seems to be burning a hole into his head with how menacingly he’s staring at him. 

“Oi. Potter.” Snape calls, voice almost neutral?

James stiffens automatically, carefully stopping all the snacks he’s levitating in mid-air, before he faces Snape. The other boy stands a few steps above him, his pale face looking yellowish in the lighting of the hallway. His hands are fisted in front of him, a crumpled up letter resting in his fingers. 

“What?” James asks cautiously. 

“Could you…give this to Lily for me?” Snape says, thrusting out the parchment in his hands. James stares down at it dumbly, trying to wrap his head around the fact that Snape is asking _him_ of all people for a favor. “She… doesn’t want to speak to me, so I thought maybe you could…give it to her.” The words are almost strangled out of him, his voice sounding choked off and pre-pubescent. If this was two years ago, James would’ve laughed in his face. 

“Okay.” He says instead, reaching out to take the parchment in steady hands. Snape grips it tightly, almost unwilling to let it go despite his words. 

His black eyes are dark and James thinks he almost sees a flash of desperation in them. “Make sure she gets it.” James gives a harsh, stiff nod and snatches the letter from the other boy’s hand. It has ‘Lily’ written across it in neat letters like a professor’s handwriting. 

Before James has a chance to say anything, though he isn’t sure what, Snape turns around, sprinting down the stairs with a speed that he’s never seen before. James stares down at the letter in his hand, a voice in his head sounding suspiciously like a younger version of himself, begging him to open it. 

He shakes his head, re-focusing on levitating his snacks, trudging back up the stairs. He trips several times because he’s so intent in his staring at the letter. Maybe if he looks hard enough, it’ll turn into a Howler and James will hear whatever vitriol that Snape was planning on telling Lily. But then, despite himself, James remembers the desperation in his eyes, the almost manic energy about the boy only weeks prior. It had been like seeing the fraying edges of someone he had always viewed as paper thin. 

James frowns to himself, the Fat Lady opening the portrait hole to get inside the common room without him ever uttering the password. He guides his food through first before climbing over it, letting the loud cheers of the party meet his unprepared ears. Forcing a smile on his face, James drops the snacks on one of the spare tables, searching for a certain redhead in the sea of Gryffindor red.

“Looking for someone?” Lily’s voice says as her arms wrap around his waist. 

“Yeah,” James says, smiling, his hand crumpling the letter. She’s dressed in one of his own practice t-shirts, his name emblazoned across the back, Gryffindor face paint on her cheeks. She wears the colors just as well as the smile that stretches across her cheeks. “You.”

She laughs, pulling him down to kiss him, though someone knocks into them aggressively. She topples into him, hands squeezing his biceps for support. “It’s so crowded in here,” Lily smiles deviously, “Want to go upstairs?”

For a moment, James can actually picture himself saying yes, throwing the letter in his hand into the fire and having celebratory sex with his girlfriend in his bed. But the vision fades as soon as it had arrived, tinting black with a resentment that he refuses to harbor any longer. “Yeah, I’ve got to tell you something.” He says quietly, leaning down to whisper in her ear. Lily looks up questioningly at him and he squeezes the letter tightly in his hands before bringing it out from behind her back. Her eyes flicker over her name, confused before going clear with understanding. “Snape gave me this for you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, been a while since I posted, but don't worry, I'm determined to finish this story. The next chapter will be the last of this fic, so pretty please drop a comment if you enjoyed this one! I really love reading them!


	32. potter and evans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The final chapter !!!!!!!!!

Lily, Marlene, Emmeline and Mary are sitting on the banks of the Great Lake. The sun sets slowly over the horizon, its’ crimson color painting everyone’s hair red. But none of them are facing the scenic sight, they’re all gazing upon at the castle with barely concealed tears and watery smiles. They’re graduating in only a few short weeks and Lily isn’t the only one wanting to burn the image of Hogwarts into the inside of her eyelids. 

She thinks there’s a certain magic about the castle and not just in the literal sense. Sure, the portraits talk and the staircases move, there are magical rooms that pop up and ceilings that look like the night sky. But there’s something else about this collection of stone and marble, all piled together to hold all the children that ever come inside it. She would bet that not a single child that stepped through the Hogwarts’ doors hadn’t fallen in love with the castle. Lily would know, she’s a bit of an expert in falling in love. 

And not just with a boy whose laughter is as loud as a clap of thunder, whose arms can throw a Quaffle across an entire Quidditch pitch. Lily’s always been a little bit in love with everything and anyone. Petunia used to tease her, back when they were on good enough terms to tease one another, that Lily was going to run out of pieces of her heart if she was going to keep giving them away. She’s still waiting for that day, but somehow she finds that she’s got a lot more heart than Petunia ever gave her credit for. 

A big chunk of it is buried here at Hogwarts, pieces scattered across the grounds, under this tree, in the creaky bones of her dormitory, the sweeping staircases of the Astronomy tower, the dusty shelves of the library. There’s pieces of her everywhere. Even in the outskirts of the Slytherin common room, back when she’d convinced Severus to take her all the way down to the dungeons. No, he’d always tell her, it’s against the rules! He’d always caved though, could never seem to resist the way she smiled at him. 

His letter sits in her trunk, carefully folded into the pages of her Potions textbook. Though she’d only read it once, Lily could recite the words by heart. 

_ Dear Lily,  _

_ I wish I could say these words to your face, but I know you wouldn’t want that. I’m sorry, truly I am for everything that happened between us. But I won’t say it again, I know you don’t want to hear it. I’m writing this letter because graduation is rapidly approaching. Remember we used to daydream about opening up one of those silly potions’ shops in Diagon Alley? It seemed so far away, being of age, being out of this castle, all of it. But it’s already here. _

_ I want to ask about your plans after graduation. I know you’ve told me off on trying to pry into your business, but I can’t, with good conscience, let you do something I know is dangerous. Everybody knows that Dumbledore has been doing all he can to stop the Dark Lord. I’ve heard a rumor flying around that he invited a group of students that are still in school to join him. I hope you’re not one of them, Lily.  _

_ I don’t know how everything got so mucked up between us. At some point I knew you like the back of my hand, but now you’ve turned into someone I don’t understand. There’s so many things I still want to ask you, still tell you about. I don’t know if you would care to listen to any of them. Even if that’s true, I still implore you to listen to me. The Dark Lord is too powerful, Lily. Please don’t join the fight. I care about you, I don’t want to see you get hurt, or worse killed. That’s still true, even if everything else has changed. _

_ I don’t want you to get dragged into this just because Potter and his friends are a bunch of thrillseekers. You deserve to be safe. If you care about me at all, you won’t join this fight. Let me talk to you in person. You believe in second chances, don’t you? Potter’s got his, isn’t it time for mine? We’re supposed to be practicing our graduation ceremony on June 18th. Will you meet me afterwards? I’ll be waiting in the library, in our section. I hope to see you soon. _

_ Sincerely,  _

_ Sev _

Petunia used to sneer, laugh and tell Lily that a boy like Severus was dirty and unworthy of Lily’s affection. It used to grate on her nerves, had become one of the many reasons her relationship with her sister had shattered beyond belief. How could anyone look at a child like Severus Snape and see anything other than someone physically aching to be loved? 

Lily had seen it in the way he turned towards her like a flower in sunlight. The way he eyed Lily’s parents with something more helpless than envy. He had just been a boy. A boy who had found the only witch in his neighborhood through sheer force of will. He’d become Lily’s first wizarding friend as they’d tried to make flower petals turn into butterflies just by squeezing their eyes shut and wishing. He had been a broken, little boy who had run away to Lily’s house when he was eleven because though it was small and crowded, it was full of love. Something he couldn’t say about his own home.

Lily had left pieces of her heart in the fraying pockets of that boy’s summer sweaters. And she’s never regretted it, either. 

But Severus Snape just isn’t a boy anymore. 

/

“I cannot believe you,” Lily says, half in shock, half in awe as she stares at the Great Hall. Her and Marlene are standing at the very edge of the room, just behind the boundary line, where the large doors creak open. 

“Oh come  _ on _ , Evans,” James calls out, “It’s brilliant, isn’t it?”

It is. It might be the most brilliant bit of magic Lily has ever seen. The entire floor has been transformed into the glossy shimmer of the Great Lake. The tiles are replaced with the surface of the lake, little waves rippling across the hall making the sound only waves can make. The ceiling is still charmed to replicate the sky, a beautiful summer day’s sun beaming down on the water, making it look a deep green, rather than black. There’s bits of seaweed floating around, algae crawling up the bricks at the edges, every now and then Lily swears she even sees a fin shimmering in the water. All of the tables are gone, transfigured she suspects, into the little row boats that the boys are currently racing around in.

“Is it a replica?” Lily whispers, eyes still trying to soak in every detail of magic, “Or did you somehow, actually manage to take a chunk of the lake and put it here?” It’s wondrous to behold, something she would expect from McGonagall, not the silly boys whose first ever prank together had been charming everyone in the Great Hall’s letters into Howlers. 

“A Marauder never tells, Lily!” And it’s a true sign of how nostalgic of their early pranks the boys must be, because it’s Remus who yells the words to her. 

“I wish we didn’t lose the map doing this though.” Peter says, half-heartedly paddling his way over to the entrance. 

“What would you even have done with it?” Marlene asks, “We’re graduating in a few days, anyways.”

“True,” Remus sighs, shrugging his shoulders, “But it was still wicked.”

“Keeping Filch out of our hair was more important,” James points out, waving his paddle in the air as he speaks. 

“So while the rest of us were studying for NEWTs, you idiots were thinking this up?” Lily asks, putting her hands on her hips, though her lips twitch upwards. 

“Honestly, I considered skipping the Potions’ exam.” James says seriously, “Who needs to memorize the recipe for the Polyjuice Potion, when I have Lily?”

“You’re an idiot, James Potter,” Lily says, laughing as she toes off her shoes. She wrestles her feet out of her socks, tossing aside her shoes as she sits down at the boundary line. Marlene mimics her, the two of them dipping their feet into the water. Though even in June the lake is usually cold, the boys seem to have charmed it much warmer. She splashes her feet happily in the water, her freshly painted nails shining a dark crimson.

“Feel free to recreate some memories and skinny-dip, girls!” Sirius laughs, rowing his paddle so wildly he’s splashing water into the inside of his boats. 

James makes a face, pushing Sirius so hard that their boat topples over. The two of them fall into the water, gasping and shoving one another, laughter erupting out of them like hyenas. Sirius manages to emerge first, shoving his fist blindly into the water, pushing James’ head down so he can’t come up. 

“Shall we?” Marlene asks, bumping their shoulders together. 

“We shall,” Lily grins back. Simultaneously, they slide off their butts, splashing into the lake, uncaring that their uniforms are getting drenched. They wade through the water, Marlene heading for Peter’s boat and Lily for James. The water is welcoming, little fish grazing against her bare legs, seaweed brushing her ankles. Lily’s heart is light as she swims, her hair wet and sticking to her back. 

“Fancy seeing you here, Evans,” James says, splashing around inelegantly. Droplets hit her in the face and she wrinkles her nose. 

She wades closer to him, swimming until her feet kick his shins and his arms hit hers every time he moves. His face is wet, droplets dripping down his cheeks, bubbles running down his glasses. He wears a wide grin on his face, dimple in his cheek filled with water like a puddle. James leans a little closer, mouth tilting open, surely to say something ridiculous before kissing her. Unceremoniously, Lily splashes him wildly, water getting into his open mouth. 

“Oh you are  _ so  _ dead!” He screeches, wrestling his arm around Lily’s shoulders. Gasping wildly, she clutches his waist, fingernails digging into the wet fabric. She laughs, giggles bubbling out of her desperately as she tries to wiggle out of his arms. He’s persistent, strong arms keeping Lily in place as she splashes wildly. 

“Stop, please, please,” Lily gasps into James’ face, “I concede, I concede!” 

Grinning victoriously, he stops tickling her, “That’s what I thought.” He says smugly, before leaning in to give her the kiss that he had been intending to. Still smiling, she presses into the kiss, reveling in the feeling of soft lips against hers. It’s short, chaste and more than a little sweet.

“How many points do you reckon McGonagall is going to take off?” Lily asks, finally pulling away, their lips still brushing. 

“I think I’ll take them off before she has a chance,” He responds easily, squeezing her waist. There’s water dripping from the bridge of his nose, from his eyebrows, trailing down his cheeks looking remarkably like tears. The sight of it reminds Lily of their fight, how not too long ago James had though he loved her more than she loved him. 

“Severus asked me to meet him,” Lily bursts out suddenly. 

“I… know?” James responds, head tilting to the side. 

Lily opens her mouth and then closes it again, throat dry. She’d confided in James the general gist of what Severus had written to her, trying to keep her voice as neutral as possible. There was something about the letter that gave away just how much Severus still cared about her, the way he’d pressed his quill so hard into the parchment that indents were left on the other side. But the words themselves sounded so  _ patronizing _ , so casually cruel. 

_ I know you’ve told me off on trying to pry into your business, but I can’t, with good conscience, let you do something I know is dangerous. _

Lily had read the letter to Emmeline and Marlene under the comfortable light of the Gryffindor fireplace, just days after she’d received it. Emmeline’s arm around her had gone heavy and tight as though it had been transfigured into stone. 

“How would he know that you’re joining? How would he know  _ anything  _ about all of this, if he wasn’t…” On the other side, Emmeline was kind enough not to say. But the words still hung heavy as though someone had thrown them at Lily. 

_ I care about you, I don’t want to see you get hurt, or worse killed. That’s still true, even if everything else has changed. _

“Care about you?” Marlene had echoed, voice dripping with disgust. Lily had almost jumped to Serverus’ defense, so used to the habit that her heart had forgotten for a few, short moments that he didn’t deserve it anymore.

_ I don’t want you to get dragged into this just because Potter and his friends are a bunch of thrillseekers.  _

“You have to be fucking with me.” Marlene had deadpanned, and Lily was glad that she was the one holding the letters because she was certain that Marlene’s long fingers would’ve crumpled it beyond belief. “He’s calling fighting for Muggle-borns  _ thrill seeking _ ?”

_ You believe in second chances, don’t you? Potter’s got his, isn’t it time for mine?  _

“You know it’s not the same, right, Lily?” Emmeline had asked desperately, squeezing Lily’s wrist tight enough to bruise. 

Lily had stared back at her two friends, both of them looking at her with a fierce sort of loyalty that she knew was rare to find. She’d always thought of them as sturdy friendship bracelets, and here they were, still hanging on so many years later. She would never had asked them to follow her into her plight, into the battle for mudbloods like herself. But that was the miracle of it all, she’d never had to ask. They were already transfixed to her side, as though the thought of being anywhere else was unfathomable. 

James had told her something once, before they’d been friends, long before she’d fallen in love with that lopsided grin. Those words still echo in her mind on the rare nights that Lily spends reading old Daily Prophets under her covers with a  _ lumos  _ charm, the terrible headlines of dead Muggle-borns and Muggles alike. 

_ The world might not be split into good and bad,  _ James had said,  _ but sometimes you still have to pick a side. You’ve chosen yours and clearly Snape has chosen his. You can hold onto that memory of who he was before Hogwarts, but clearly he isn’t that anymore.  _

Severus Snape isn’t a boy anymore, isn’t on her side anymore, wasn’t  _ ever  _ on her side deep down. People had always told her how rare it was to find a heart quite as warm as hers, how uncommonly kind she was, how it was all a strength. But now, looking at James’ sunkissed face, why does it feel like a weakness?

“He wants to meet me on the 18th.” Lily admits quietly, wading forward in the water to wrap her arms around James’ waist, tucking her head under his dripping chin.

“I told you, Lily.” James says, kicking his feet enough to keep both of them afloat. His fingers run down her spine, tangling in the edges of her hair affectionately. “It’s fine if you go, you don’t have to ask me for permission.”

“But—but it’s your mum’s birthday.” She says, closing her eyes against his neck, trying to drown out the sound of Sirius and Peter wrestling on their precariously balanced boat. 

James sighs, long and haggard. “And we’ll spend the morning together, before graduation practice.” The words would’ve sounded bitter some time ago, but now all that’s left is love. Love for Lily. “You’ll have plenty of time to be there for me before going to talk to Snape.”

“But—”

“Lily, it’s alright, really.” James says softly, drawing his hand back to lift her face off his chest. He cups her cheeks with his palms, holding her like she is the most precious thing in the world. Lily gazes back at him, hazel eyes still shining behind glimmering water droplets. “Maybe it’s finally a chance to get some closure.”

“Maybe,” She mumbles, trying to pull her face away, but being unable to. Half because of James’ strength, half because she’s never wanted James to be far away from her. 

/

Lily sits down by lake, alone, after her last NEWT exam has finished. The Astronomy exam had been longer than Lily anticipated, the full moon already high in the sky now as she leans her back against the tree. Mary and Emmeline had finished before Lily, retiring to the dormitory before she’d even gotten to the last ten questions. Any other day, she thinks she’d have liked the company, but today there’s a charm to being alone. 

The bark of the tree she’s leaning against is digging into her spine, the grass itchy against her skin. Even in June, the Scottish Highlands have a strong breeze, the wind ripping through Lily’s hair as she curls her knees closer to her chin. She could whip up a warming charm in a flash, but she likes the cutting wind. 

In the distance, across the tangled branches of the Forbidden Forest, she hears a howl, long and gasping. Lily smiles lightly, blowing a little wish to the world to be kind to Remus. Any other night, her and Darcy would be curled up in the Heads’ Office with James, but he’d told her that he had other plans. James had gone shifty eyed, the way he tends to do when he’s lying, but Lily hadn’t called him out on it. 

She has a sneaking suspicion that there’s a reason that Remus doesn’t seem quite as tired nowadays. When they were younger, he had looked drained to the bone, as though the blood was being sucked out of him. But now, he just seems a little weary. His three friends on the other hand, seem to appear the morning after the full moon with tired eyes and staggered movements. There’s something there, Lily doesn’t know what exactly, but she’ll wait for James to tell her. 

Another howl sounds off, the noise a little more playful this time like Remus has found a friend to play with. She wonders if there are any other werewolves in the forest, any animals brave enough to run amok with him. Lily settles further against the tree. James and his friends always hung out around here, even back when they were little, first years; Sirius and James would have competitions to see who could climb to the highest branches. Slowly, that had faded into just lying here lazily, James stealing Snitches to catch. 

If Lily closes her eyes, tries to forget the sound of James’ booming laugh, she can still remember how it felt years ago, to hear Severus call her a mudblood right under this very tree. 

When they were nine, Lily remembers forcing Severus to pinky promise to be her best friend. With his scabby knees and tattered bandaids, he’d smiled, one of those rare smiles only Lily seemed to be able to bring out, and locked his finger with hers. And just like that, it was like an imaginary string ran from their fingers, through the few streets that separated them, tying them together forever and ever.

Their friendship was always a little different. To this day, she’s never been to Severus’ house, never gotten more than a glimpse of his father. He’d never told her much about the man, but the flinches and marks on his arms had been more than enough for her to fill in the gaps. Lily hadn’t needed to know all of Severus Snape to love him.

That string, holding them together, was kilometers long, tangling around different houses, summers together, hours studying. But it didn’t go on forever, didn’t stretch. Petunia had always called Lily naive, called her a hopeless romantic, but she’d never really understood what that meant. Not until Severus had called her a mudblood. And just like that, he’d taken a great pair of shears and cut the tie in between them with a snip that still echoes in her ears.

Lily pulls her knees even closer to her chin, letting the tears bubbling in her eyes to come slipping out. She blinks up at the full moon, the brightness of it stinging her eyes, but she doesn’t look away. James is out there, somewhere, somehow, against all odds standing by his friend even though the whole world thought it was impossible, thought it was wrong. 

It’s Euphemia Potter’s birthday tomorrow. Even though James pretends that he’s okay, that he’s eighteen and too much of a man to cry over his mother, Lily knows better. The sting of her death still hasn’t worn off, no matter how much he says otherwise. Lily wonders if Severus knows too. He’d always had sharp eyes, watching James with a burning intensity. She wonders if he’d asked her to meet tomorrow purposely, to make her choose once and for all: me or him?

Lily’s heart thuds, and a sound echoes through her ears, the choice simple. Sometimes you’ve still got to pick a side, after all.

/ 

“Lily?” His voice is shocked, even a little confused, “I didn’t think—what’re you doing here?”

She smiles, crossing the threshold of the boys’ dormitory until she’s standing at the foot of James’ bed. He’s still in his robes though they’re thrown open, his tie loose and shirt unbuttoned. “Honestly, Potter,” She says, sitting on the edge of his bed, “It’s like you weren’t expecting company. You look like a mess.”

James looks at her, wide-eyed, like a deer in the headlights, still frozen in place. Ignoring his shock, Lily crawls into his lap, glad that the dormitory is empty. Though they’d gone their separate ways after the practice for their graduation ceremony, Lily had only bid her friends goodbye before making her way back up here. She’s sure that Severus is waiting for her, by the big windows of the Potions section, sunlight streaming in. Lily almost wishes she were tempted to go, but she knows where she belongs.

“What’re you doing here?” James repeats, hands ghosting around her hips. 

“I’m here for you,” She says softly, leaning down to catch him in a quick kiss, her fingers brushing the stubble of his jaw. “You deserve someone who’s going to show up for you.”

“But—Snape is—”

“My past.” She finishes for him firmly. The light streams in from their window, the lighting on this side of the tower is much better than the girls’ dorm. It gives Lily a clear view of the wavering of his eyes. “And you, James Potter, are my future.” Lily swallows, pressing a little closer on his lap, placing her hands on his, pressing them down onto the skin of her thighs. “You and I are on the same side. And I never, ever want you to face something by yourself that I could help you with.”

“Lily—”

“I  _ love  _ you.” She says, her voice coming out like a croak. 

“Are you going to let me finish a single sentence?” He says, voice a mirror image of hers. He leans up, hands threading into her hair, warm skin brushing her ears, cupping her cool cheeks. 

“No.” She says, giving a watery laugh, “Better get used to it.”

James laughs, that same, loud, thunderous laugh that rings in Lily’s ears whenever the world goes silent. “I love you so much,” He breathes, pulling her in for a searing kiss. He presses his lips against hers hard, like he’s trying to pour out his heart into her with sheer force of will. He pulls away, only for a moment, pressing smaller pecks to her lips over and over and over until Lily is laughing against his lips. 

“James,” She says against his lips, running her hands down his shoulders so she can press them against his heart. It beats rapidly under her fingers, a reassuring pace. “A choice between you and the world? No one else stands a damn chance.”

“Even the Giant Squid?” He asks, snorting against her lips though she sees the wetness in his eyes. 

“Even the Giant Squid,” She laughs, leaning down to press a kiss against his lips that feels like forever.

/

They’re all lined up at the doors of the Great Hall, Marlene’s shoulder brushing against her on one side, James’ arm around her waist. Lily had thrown her cap in the air, like she’s seen in so many Muggle movies, wizard traditions be damned. If she was going to graduate, she was going to do it right. And like a ripple effect, the entirety of the seventh year had thrown their caps in the air ushering in the end of an era. 

“Oh my God,” James says, voice dripping with panic. 

“What?” Lily says, turning to him. 

“I took my last piss at Hogwarts and I didn’t even notice!” He exclaims. Over the years, he’s gotten rather good at not laughing at his own stupidity, delivering the silliest of sentences with a straight face. 

Lily laughs, reaching around Marlene to the Hufflepuff table that still holds goblets. She spies one full of what she hopes is pumpkin juice and thrusts it into James’ waiting hands. “Drink up, handsome. You can go again and savor it this time.”

James grins, taking the goblet up to his lips. “Have I mentioned you’re perfect lately?”

Lily smiles, as James drains the cup. “Yes, but I still like hearing it.”

“And you’d better tell it to her everyday, my boy,” A voice booms from behind them. Lily and James whirl around to face Professor Slughorn as he waddles his way towards them. 

“Oh, I plan to, sir.” James says seriously and Lily doesn’t doubt his words for a second. 

“I’m going to miss you, sir.” Lily says sincerely, looking at the tacky robes and slowly balding head of the Potions’ professor. 

“And I you, my dear.” He replies, smiling sadly at her, “You’ll remember your old professor when you’re off becoming famous, won’t you?”

“I’ll credit all my success to you, sir,” Lily laughs. Most people think Slughorn is frivolous and silly with his numerous parties and cherry picked favorites, but somehow he’s wormed his way into a fond part of Lily’s heart. 

“Oh please, now that you’ve graduated, I think you can call me Horace,” He laughs loudly, pulling Lily into a hard hug. Over his shoulder, Lily spots James and Sirius laughing into one another, but she still squeezes the man back. Once he releases her, he turns his gaze towards James, just a fraction sterner. “You take care of her,” He instructs, thrusting his hand out for a handshake. 

James clasps it readily, abandoning his goblet in favor of Slughorn’s hand, meeting Lily’s amused gaze before opening his mouth to respond. “I think they’ll take care of  _ each other _ ,” Professor McGonagall’s voice corrects, the crowd parting like the Red Sea for their Transfiguration professor.

“Took the words right out of my mouth,” James says cheerily, pulling his hand away from Slughorn to face his favorite professor. “Going to give me a hug?”

McGonagall arches an eyebrow. James’ tone easily draws in his three friends around them like eager puppies. “Mr Potter—”

“ _ James _ ,” He corrects pointedly. 

“We’re going to call you Minerva,” Sirius grins, wrapping an arm around James’ shoulder. 

“The  _ least _ you could do is call us our first names.” Remus finishes his sentence, smiling that ridiculous, mischievous grin that Peter mimics behind him.

McGonagall’s lip twitches as she looks down at the four boys. She sighs, pinching her nose to hide a full blown smile, “I expect great things out of you  _ Marauders _ .”

“Did she just—!”

“Merlin’s saggy—!”

The boys descend into a cacophony of laughter as McGonagall quickly turns to her. Her green eyes are shining with unshed tears, but her voice is as sturdy as always when she speaks. “You too, Miss Evans.”

“ _ Lily _ ,” She corrects cheekily. 

“Lily.” McGonagall amends, giving her a rare smile. Before Lily can say another word, James and Sirius pounce on McGonagall like little children, their hands flailing wildly as they pretend to start crying. 

“Those two,” Marlene says into Lily’s ear, “They’re never going to grow up, are they?”

“It’d be bizarre if they did,” Emmeline says from her other side. 

Lily laughs, watching McGonagall half-heartedly scold them with fond eyes. How many times has she heard her use this exact tone with them? Lily’s lost count over the years. “I’m really going to miss this place.”

Her friends nod along with her, the three of them pressed close together in the crowd. Even Emmeline who’s claustrophobic at the best of times seems to appreciate the closeness. Lily stretches her hands down, finding her friends’ and squeezes them tightly. 

“Come visit us,” Marlene says cheekily, bumping their shoulders together, “If you’re not too busy shagging James in your  _ private  _ flat.”

“I’ll try and take time out of my busy schedule,” Lily responds sarcastically making Emmeline giggle. 

“Don’t go too far, okay?” Emmeline says, eyes watering, “I don’t care if we can Apparate, it still won’t feel right if you’re far away.”

Lily blinks wildly, “Stop it, Em, you’re going to make me cry.”

“That’d be a  _ shocking _ turn of events,” Peter’s voice says quietly, as Lily hears the Great Hall doors creak open for the last time. 

“Fuck off, Pettigrew,” Marlene laughs, hitting him gently on his shoulder. 

They start to move in tandem, all sixty-something of them rushing out of the Great Hall with a palpable excitement. Someone’s arm wraps around Lily’s shoulders and she turns just slightly to look into Sirius’ grinning face. They both look up at the fluffy clouds of the ceiling, a picturesque scene and smile to themselves. They don’t say a word to one another, but Lily appreciates the weight around her as they make their way out of the castle.

There are carriages already neatly lined up for them, the doors held open. Sirius shouts to Remus for a race and the two of them bolt off, Lily’s hair flying as Sirius rips his arm away from her. She watches them go with a laugh, turning to walk backwards so she can look at the castle behind her. 

“You’re gonna fall over if you do that, Evans.” James says quietly, grip soft against her elbow. Their shoes scuff as they make their way onto the cobbled path, the two of them pressed close together.

“You’d catch me,” She says, smiling, looking as the sun shines over the castle on the hill. “It’s going to be strange, isn’t it?” Lily says, one of James’ hand on the small of her back, letting her take small steps as she breathes in the sight in front of her. The sun’s rays make the tops of the towers look a shimmering golden, like King Midas himself has touched it. Funny, even the cracks around the Astronomy tower look picturesque now. “Waking up to a different sight every day?”

“Hmm,” James agrees, voice low as he too, turns to look over at Hogwarts. They’re almost at the carriages now, Sirius and Remus waiting with the doors open, their pants echoing in Lily’s ears. “I think I’ll manage as long as I get to wake up to you.”

The words lodge into Lily’s throat, making her tear her eyes away from the castle. When she turns to James, he’s already smiling down at her. “You’re such a sap,” She says, hand falling down to find his. 

He squeezes her fingers tightly in his. “But you love me.” His voice is serious, steady and missing any sense of uncertainty. 

“But I love you,” She agrees readily, stopping outside the carriage to look. But this time, she keeps her gaze on James, the sight of his smiling, sun kissed face the most beautiful thing she can think of. “We’ve got to start house hunting soon.”

James breaks into an excited grin, the way he has every time she’s brought up the topic. “I’ve already got a few listings in mind.” He tells her and his voice is so firm, so confident that Lily doesn’t think she’ll ever be able to think of him as a boy again. She smiles at him as he starts to chatter on about flats he’s found, gripping his hand as he helps her into the carriage. The door closes behind him as he continues to tell her about the most beautiful, little cottage he’s found, not too far from London. He sounds so serious about their future that if Lily closes her eyes right now, she could imagine walking down a pearly white aisle to James and his dimpled smile. 

“I love you,” She interrupts, curling into his side, as the carriage pulls smoothly away from the castle. 

He stops speaking, smile exploding into his face like a firework. “I’m never going to get tired of hearing that, am I?”

“No,” Lily agrees, leaning over to press the quickest of kisses to the corner of his lips. “I’m going to say it till I’m old and gray, Potter.”

James smiles, whispering softly to her, “By that time, you’ll be ‘Potter’ too, y’know?” And when he presses his lips against hers, Lily doesn’t think she can imagine a thing in the world better than a lifetime of being  _ Mr and Mrs Potter _ . James has a bad habit of giving Lily the kind of memories she needs to cast a Patronus charm. Most things he says seem to be vying for that top spot, if she’s being honest. 

“Though, I don’t think you’ll ever stop calling me ‘Evans’.” She says, mouth still pressed against James’. He laughs, loud and thunderous and perfect and Lily knows that right here, by his side is exactly where she ought to be. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so so so much for those of you who have commented and read and left kudos, it honestly means the world to me. This fic was such a journey to write, and I can't believe it's finally over. If you could leave your final thoughts on it, I would love to hear them!! 
> 
> I've been contemplating writing a sequel, so if you would at all be interested in that, drop me a comment or message me on Tumblr and we can talk all about it. Thank you so much for reading :)))

**Author's Note:**

> Come talk to me about this fic on [tumblr !!!](https://pollymemes.tumblr.com)


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